5 years ago

October 25, 2002 was my original due date. Jason and I had been trying to get pregnant for a while and it wasn't happening. My OB/Gyn recommended that we see an infertility specialist. We did and thus began the roller coaster of emotions. We were both tested and nothing came back giving a reason why we couldn't conceive. We fell into that 15% of unknown infertility. Part of me wished we had a reason so that I could associate my frustrations with the cause. We continued trying, each month feeling like a year gone by. It's funny but when you decide to have a family, you are ready. At first it was casual trying and then the longer we tried it became a priority, until it then almost became an obsession. For me at least. Jason wanted children just like I did but it was so much harder for me. I felt consumed by the emptiness and scared of the unknown. Finally, after much testing and monitoring we became pregnant. We were thrilled! I visited the specialist once a week and a sonogram was performed each time. It was amazing to see this little being grow inside of me. Around 12 weeks the doctor felt it was time to hand me back over to my ob/gyn because everything looked good. I had been really sick for several weeks- throwing up daily. I scheduled a sonogram with my ob for the following week. Luckily, Jason went with me that day. I'm not really sure why since we had already had several sonos (we were beginning to get quite spoiled!) but God's hand was definitely in that decision. I can remember like it was yesterday, laying on the table as my doctor began the procedure. We were all 3 talking and so excited about my pregnancy. I noticed that my doctor got very quiet and it quickly became obvious that something wasn't right. I asked what was wrong. He said that he couldn't see a heartbeat. He tried several other things on me but still no heartbeat. He sent me to a radiologist for a second opinion but I knew the answer. I knew deep down in my heart that my baby was gone. Why had everything been so strong and healthy the week before and now he was having a hard time detecting a heartbeat? That didn't make sense. Unfortunately, they confirmed our worst fears. Our child was still there but for some reason it had died. I was still feeling the pregnancy sickness so I was completely shocked by all of this. I had no signs, no way for my body to warn me. The next couple of days were a blur for me. I felt so empty and sad, frustrated and mad. Why? Why me? I had my procedure two days later and once again I was left with the question, "can I ever have a child?" The next two months, my body began to heal and I was anxious to try again. With the help of artificial insemination, we became pregnant with Hudson. Looking back, there are still so many emotions involved. Had that pregnancy worked, I would not have Hudson. But I still can't help but wonder what gender (I didn't want to know), who would it have looked like, all those normal thoughts and questions that enter your mind. So, as I look at the calendar today I am reminded that today I would have possibly celebrated a 5th birthday with a child I will never know. Like I said, it's bittersweet because I can't imagine not having my punk. Although that was such a hard time in my life, I do know that God was with us the entire time. That in itself gives me peace. I am writing this post because I know that one day my boys will look back on this blog and I hope that this can give them an idea of how we felt during this time and how truly blessed we feel to be their parents.