Feeling Anxious

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

How many times have your read or heard this verse? Too many for me to count. It's amazing how these verses just roll off my tongue so freely yet I often skim over them without really focusing on the meaning of the words. "Be anxious for nothing"........ that basically means do not worry. Ever. Period. It's a command. Yet, I find myself anxious at times.

Today I was telling my co teacher at preschool that next Tuesday I will need to leave right at 2:00 because I have a doctors appointment. And then it dawned on me. Just as the words rolled off my tongue......."my appointment is at the hospital" my stomach immediately flipped and flopped. Did I really just say that my appointment was at the hospital? I didn't even think about this when scheduling it several weeks ago. I was more concerned with getting an appointment before May 1.......when my really amazing insurance that is currently being fully paid by Jason's employer goes away and then I'm left with some crappy insurance that will probably cost me a fortune. My OB has 2 locations- one right by my house and the other at the hospital. The earliest appt they had for me was next Tues and it was at the Grapevine location. I didn't bat an eye.......I penciled it into my calendar and was just thankful to have an appointment before May. (sigh)

I've felt sick about this all afternoon and evening. I know I shouldn't be but I'm anxious. The thought of going there makes me sick. There is such a range of emotions when I think about that place. Such joy......bringing 2 amazing boys into this world at that hospital. Such pain......saying goodbye to one of the most important people in my life at that hospital. I have debated back and forth about whether I should reschedule and just take my chances with my next insurance plan. It might even be worth paying for the full thing if it means avoiding that place altogether. But then I wonder if it's time? Is it time to go there.....and force my mind and my heart to "go there" and take another step in the direction of healing? I'm spending time in prayer over this. I'm handing it over......asking Him to show me a clear answer and to give me peace about the answer. Only He knows if I'm ready.

I guess I'm nervous about how I will act and feel if I do end up going. I will pull into and park in the same parking lot I did on Oct. 4. I will walk in the same set of doors and probably even walk down the same hall. Once again, I will be alone. Yet this time I will not be worried or scared. However, I will relive the feelings of that day and I know it will be hard. I'm nervous that I'll cry the entire time. What if I can't bear to get out of the car? I really have no idea how that will feel for me.

The best part of this verse: And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:7)

So very thankful for this protection.

My Path

I got my hair done today and had the privilege of visiting with my hairdresser......who also happens to be going through a really hard, life changing trial right now. She didn't lose a spouse but she is definitely going through some big obstacles right now....things she didn't plan for or expect to happen. Even though our situations are completely different, we somehow just got each other today. We talked a lot about what I've been writing about....trying to count it all joy and how we both accept the paths we are on. If you think about it, can you please say some big prayers for Kelly on this coming Monday (around lunch time) as she goes through some really yucky stuff.

During my quiet time this morning, I was reading my book and came across this passage:
"During trials, what is being tried? What is being proved? It is your faith. Faith is constant when circumstances are good. But when times are adverse your faith in God is exercised and surges. As the saying goes, "Adversity is God's university." It is His teaching tool. And tested faith results in tested character. Testing increases your ability to endure physical suffering. It teaches you how to use your mind to think and view life and its difficulties through God's eyes, through His perspective, which will almost always be vastly different from yours."

In Isaiah 55:8...it says "My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways."

Obviously, since I am pretty sure I'll take my last breath still questioning why Jason died that day. It makes zero sense to me but I realize that it doesn't have to. It's my job to trust Him, cling to Him, and walk with Him through my trials. He knows and understands "why" this is my path.

Stages

I've seen several different lists on "stages of grief." Some only list 3-4 stages while others list up to 9 or 10. There seems to be a difference of opinion when it comes to how and when you should grieve a loss. The other day I found myself Googling "is it normal to skip stages of grief" because I feel that there are a few that I haven't gotten to yet.

From the book "Finding God's Path Through Your Trials" the author lists these 5 steps:

* The first is denial- refusing to believe what has happened

* Second is anger- the feeling of rage based on a frustration that cannot be satisfied

* Third is bargaining- trying to make deals with God

* Fourth is depression- a symptom of both prolonged anger turned inward and of guilt

* And finally, fifth is acceptance- this positive stage is experienced when one realizes that what is is, it's not going to change, and it is truly real and will remain the same

I was relieved to read these words: Do you realize that when you handle your trials God's way, you can shortcut the first four reactions on this list (denial, anger, bargaining, depression) and fast-forward straight to acceptance? This is accomplished by "counting it all joy" when you fall into various trials. When you do , you rush to the place of joyful acceptance.

Wow, talk about relief! I've kind of had this hanging over my head.......I feel that I have skipped over the middle stages but the idea that I'd revert back at some point has been looming over me. I am beginning to see that it's possible to never go there. (I'm not naive in thinking it couldn't happen but I'm hopeful that with God's help, I won't experience those feelings) Every day, I continue to choose joy...even if it's hard to do so.

I'm learning that trials are not punishments from God and they are not consequences of sin. Trials ARE inevitable, often unplanned, are undeserved, and are turning points in our lives. Because of my trial, the life I'd always known is never to be again.

I wish so bad that my boys could understand all of this like I do. I am fairly certain though that they look to me in order to gauge how they are feeling and acting. This is another huge reason that I never want to go back to any of those middle stages. I continue to pray every single day that they can also find acceptance and joy in spite of losing their daddy.

Jesus is Enough

I'm still feeling pretty confident about my last post and being able to "count it all joy." The reason I even mention that is because in the past, I've written a post about my feelings (whether I felt up or down) and the next day I felt the complete opposite. Kind of like the Texas weather- ever changing. But today, I still feel that I'm called to take on this mentality from here on out.

In fact, yesterday I was driving in the car and I was super emotional. I was crying for various reasons and spent some time thinking about my situation. My ipod was playing some great songs from Kari Jobe and Jeremy Camp and I was hanging on to each and every word. Don't you love when you hear a song that really speaks to you?

I was singing along to "What Love is This?" and imagining Jesus on the cross....with his arms reached out.....reaching for me. I've never thought of it this way. Of course, I know that Jesus died for my sins (and yours too) but never once have I imagined that he is reaching out specifically to me. Wow, what an impression that made on me that day.

To say that I was humbled and moved and honored is an understatement.

And then it sort of hit me. I was lost in my "why me" thoughts and my mind immediately shifted to......."why not me?" Why should I assume that I be immune to this trial or that it should have happened to someone else? For some reason, this is my journey......this is my path. I can't help but believe that I will come out of this stronger, closer to the Lord, and more grateful for life than I've ever been. I'm determined to find "good" in a not-so-good situation. I'm realizing more and more that Jesus is enough. Yes, He is all I need.

Finding Joy

I've been so blessed by the fact that even from the very beginning I wanted to find joy in spite of all the pain. I fully believe that this didn't come from me......from Jennifer......but from the Lord. Seriously, when I think about it I can't even fathom how a day or two after Jason died, I was open and yearning for joy and hope in my heart. But it was there. It would have been so easy or even expected that I'd be bitter or mad at God. This Wednesday marks 24 weeks since Jason's heaven day and I can still say that I'm not mad. And I can still say that I'm counting this trial as joy.

A few days ago I was about to take a bath and I was looking in my cabinets for something when I stumbled on a book that someone gave me. I'm not really sure how or why it ended up in my lower bathroom cabinet or how I haven't seen it up until this point (I do believe that God wanted me to find it on this day and that I needed to start reading it at this season of my life) but there it was. It's called "Finding God's Path Through Your Trials." I grabbed it and some bubble bath and started reading.

I'm only through a few chapters but I will say that these words are speaking to me. This isn't a book about dealing with death. It's a book that talks about trials in general and I'd encourage anyone to read it. Trials are a part of our everyday lives. Some of us get the really, really hard ones but we all struggle at some point. We all suffer. And we all get to choose how we handle these situations.

From the beginning, I've stated that I have had 2 choices in dealing with this loss. I can choose joy or sorrow. At times, joy has been a not so easy choice but it's one that I've made nonetheless. The beginning section of this book talks about becoming a joyful woman. I want this desperately and I think I've done a pretty decent job at making that happen. The author says that "counting trials as joy is a matter of faith, not feelings." I agree wholeheartedly. My faith has certainly been tested the past 6 months but even under unjoyful circumstances, I've managed to "count it all joy."

Don't get me wrong....this hasn't and isn't always easy for me. I've had my fair share of "God this isn't fair" conversations. But in my desire to be obedient, I look past what I think is right or fair and cling to His words: "Count it all joy....when you fall into various trials." (James 1:2) By doing this, I am certainly well on my way down God's path. And there isn't any other place I'd rather be.

Regrets

What a difference a year can make! This time last year, we were hanging out in San Diego. We took the boys there over Spring Break as a combined birthday for them. The reason I remember this so well is because tomorrow is Cooper's birthday and last year, we flew back to Texas on that day. This year we are hanging out at home while Coop recovers from his surgery. How I wish I could click my heels and turn back the hands of time......

Now that the dust has settled and reality has kicked in full force, I've had some time to reflect back on the day or two surrounding Jason's death. Much of those details are still a blur but there are a couple of things that stand out to me from those days. I actually have 2 regrets. My first regret is that Jason's organs were not donated. I'm not really sure why because he and I talked about this several times and we both put "organ donor" on our drivers licenses. Of course I wasn't in the right mind to even think about this when the surgeon told me that he didn't make it. I saw my life flash before my eyes.....my heart was crushed......the rug pulled out from under me. It wasn't until a few days later that it hit me- no one ever asked about his organs. Why? This isn't something I can or choose to dwell on but it does bother me. I would have loved nothing more than to share his organs and save lives. I have to wonder if the hospital staff didn't ask me because of the sensitivity of the situation. But then again, isn't it always sensitive when someone dies? Or maybe his body had gone through too much and his organs were not healthy enough to donate? I wish so much that someone would have asked. My next regret is using a funeral home so close to my house. I wasn't EVEN thinking when I picked the funeral home literally a minute from my house. At the time it was convenient and it made sense. I drive by this funeral home pretty much every single day (sometimes multiple times a day) and my heart sinks each and every time. I can't bear to look at it...or the words "cremation" on the sign out front. If I had it to do over again, I would have picked a funeral home away from my house, in an area that I rarely visit.

One thing I don't regret is having the boys skip the funeral. It may sound kind of weird but I prayed about that decision and still feel the same amount of peace as I did that day. I was on the fence about it at first..... I knew that once that day came and went, I couldn't change the outcome. But then I started weighing it out and I couldn't really come up with any advantages to having them attend- would they feel any peace from going? They are so young and I felt that it would only create confusion. I knew the funeral would be rather large and I knew that I would stand and talk to every single person that waited in line to hug me. And I did. I knew that they would see me and others cry and this would create sadness, anxiety and insecurities for them. I knew that I wouldn't be able to take care of them that day like they would have needed and it would have hurt them to see me so sad. I decided to have someone video tape the entire thing and one day, when the boys are ready, they will watch it. They will listen to Jason's friends share stories and describe what an amazing man he was. They will see a church packed FULL of people that loved him and our family and they will be proud. They will watch a celebration of life that was uplifting and made others walk away wanting to be a better person. They will watch when their little hearts can handle it. I have no regrets.

Crazy Few Days

Lots of things going on around here the last week or so. On Thursday, March 8....Hudson turned 9! I can't believe how big he is. It feels like he's growing an inch a day. Not really but he's seriously catching up to me in height. I keep telling him that I need to put a stack of books on his head to make him slow down but something tells me that won't work:) A couple of days before his birthday, I started to feel anxious about it. I've mentioned before that the anticipation is often worse than the actual day. The night before his birthday, Hudson prayed to God and asked him to tell dad hello and to let him know that he was excited about turning 9. It was a bittersweet moment for me- sadness that Jason isn't here to see these changes yet so very thankful that the rest of us are here to experience them together. On Thursday, Hudson woke up excited about school and taking cupcakes to share with his friends. I had a small meltdown that morning, felt sorry for myself for a few minutes, and then pulled it together. I just kept telling myself how lucky we were that Jason spent 8 wonderful years with this precious boy instead of focusing on the years he won't. That change in mentality is getting easier for me as time goes on : Focusing on the positive instead of harping on the negative.

Thursday night, I took the boys to the Magic Time Machine for a combined birthday dinner. Cooper's 6th birthday is this Friday. They enjoyed the atmosphere and the bubbly drinks.

On Sunday, we had a birthday party at Urban Air Trampoline Park. The boys had a blast.

Cooper lost a tooth the other day. I definitely missed Jason during that because loose teeth and throw up are 2 things I'm not good at. And he was great at both! After only a small amount of gagging on my part, we managed to get the tooth out.

Hudson still continues to amaze me. After getting new carpet last week, he asked if he could put my computer back together. I told him no at first...because there was SO much to it and I was convinced that he'd never figure it all out. After asking a few more times, I decided to let him try. In less than 10 minutes he had my computer, router, wireless printer, speakers, etc... all up and running.

My sweet boy had his tonsils and adenoids removed today. I'm hoping that this keeps him from getting strep and hopefully his snoring will stop. I was super anxious this morning.....just nervous about a surgery of any kind. He was a trooper though and did great. He's currently laying next to me- napping in my bed..after eating a few Popsicles.

Despite the craziness of the last several days, I'm feeling really good right now. I'm consumed by peace and hope at this moment. I have mentioned that grief is often like a yo-yo. I cherish the moments like today when I am on the upswing and feeling content and okay with where life has taken me. There is much to be thankful for and God continues to bring "light" during a dark season in my life. I am blessed.

Our New Place

You may recall that we had our orientation here back in December. At that time I was told that all groups were full and we were then placed on a waiting list. Last week I got a call that the once a month group had room for us ...... and that we will attend that until they have room in the group that is geared for children that have lost a parent. I've had mixed feelings about going. You see, I kind of have to be in the mood to talk about my loss. Of course it's easy for me to hide behind my keyboard and pound on the keys whenever it's convenient for me. But to expect me to truly open up....to a room full of strangers....... well, that's another thing. Even though this place is for children, the parents all sit in chairs in a huge circle and they also have a session while the kids are having theirs.

I wasn't exactly excited about going last night. I was still tired- emotionally and physically- from last week and it was definitely one of those moments where I had to convince myself to go. "It's not about me" is the phrase that continued to race through my mind as I fought traffic down I35 for almost an hour and a half. In the middle of rush hour. During dinner time. On a school night. Good times!

I know the boys were looking forward to going and I was thankful for that. They were asking questions about what it would be like and what they would do there. It's weird how those words just rolled off my tongue....like I've been saying these things forever. In many ways it does feel like forever. In another way, I almost felt like I was floating above myself and looking down on the entire conversation taking place. Still shocked that this is my life. Still sad that I even have to explain this to my boys.

We got there a few minutes before the sessions started. I took the boys to their rooms and then made my way to the living room to find a seat among the adults. A room full of people I didn't know yet noticed right away that we all shared the same eyes. Eyes full of tears, sadness, shock, disbelief, anger........ I was uncomfortable. I found a seat and nervously looked through my purse (for who knows what?) because I couldn't bear to look anyone in the face. I didn't want to be there and I certainly didn't want to open up. But I did and it ended up being okay.

The format of the session was basically a round robin thing- going around the circle and answering different questions or doing different activites. We started off saying our name, who we brought with us, and who died. Next, we were given a white rectangular sheet of paper and markers. We had to design a "license plate" and we could draw pictures or write words/phrases to let others know about where we are at in our grief. There was a big variety in responses. Mine said "heartbroken but hopeful." I have to say that my favorite was written by one of the husbands. It simply said, "WTF?" I'll admit I've thought those exact words. We then took turns sharing what emotions we are seeing in our kids. Many of the parents mentioned anger as being a big emotion they see. I have yet to see this in my boys and I can't tell you how thankful I am for that. I'm not sure if they just haven't gotten there yet but I can honestly say I've never seen or felt anger from either of them. Then we passed around a "blessing" rock and had to say things we are thankful for. I said that I was thankful for the promise of heaven one day. And thankful that I've got an amazing support system. And blessed that I had the chance to experience a great marriage with a great guy.

On the way home I really wanted to ask the boys about their sessions but I also realized they had just spent an hour sharing with new friends. I didn't want to force that so I decided to hold off. They played their games on the way home and my mind wandered around as I thought about the previous conversations in the adult room. This morning, I overheard Cooper telling Hudson that "a friend in his class had a sister that took a nap on the couch and when the mom went to wake her up, her face was purple and she died." I'm pretty sure I gasped out loud while I felt an immediate sickness in my stomach. Did my precious 5 year old really just say those words? Bless his heart that he's being exposed to such harsh realities. I am envious of the days when Jason and I sheltered our boys from death...neither of them having ever even attended a funeral. They were secure and felt safe and death was something that "old" people experienced. Now it's something that freely flows from their lips and they often mention death even during innocent play time. I hate that so much for them.

Overall, the night was a success. The boys said they did want to go back and I even can say that it was somewhat helpful for me. My main goal is to make sure we all deal with our emotions in the right way and heal the best way we can. I'm praying that this new place will be just what we need!

Laying it Down

This has been a mess of a week for me. The boys and I have been super emotional. I can't really put my finger on one thing specifically that is causing the problem. I guess this is just the ugly side of grief.

I have mentioned before that change is hard for me. I've also mentioned that Jason and I had our "roles" in marriage. I was quite comfortable with the roles that each of us took on and I felt that we took care of each other. The last 5 months, I've been forced to do both set of roles.....to do it all.......and I think I'm in a period of transition. I'm doing things and making decisions that I normally wouldn't do or make. I consider this "change" and it's been difficult for me.

A few weeks ago I decided I wanted/needed new carpet. It was something we had talked about but decided to wait on because we were undecided about trying to sell the house. We thought that giving a carpet allowance might be more appealing to a potential buyer. Since I'm staying put for a while, I decided to go ahead and have it done. Calling around and getting quotes is definitely something Jason would have done. He would have researched the best type of carpet and would have found the best carpet for the best price. He was just good like that. I did my best at this and found a carpet and price I was comfortable with. Also a few weeks ago, I decided to purchase new bedroom furniture for myself. I felt this would help me in my healing process to have a fresh look in my room. I gave our bedroom set to my sister. I coordinated the timing so that the carpet was installed a few days before the furniture came. The furniture was delivered on Wednesday of this week. I love it and am really happy with it. But again.......it's change. My room looks completely different. This is good. But also sad. While I can't say that this chapter is completely closed, I can say that I continue to turn the pages towards getting there.

I had a really hard preschool day yesterday. Up until then, I feel like I've done great at school. I've enjoyed being back and it's been a positive thing for me. The kids are sweet and the teachers are amazing. For some reason, I could not control the tears. I had to walk out of my room a few times throughout the day. The frustrating part for me was that I couldn't put my finger on exactly what was upsetting me. On the way to get the boys from school, I realized that I may be anxious about their birthdays. Both boys have March birthdays and obviously this is our first one without him. I guess this week is just a mixture of firsts and changes for us.

Before bed last night, I laid in my new bed and just talked to God. I told him that I feel so broken and tired and hurt. I asked for patience and wisdom and peace. I honestly felt him telling me to "lay it down." While I've relied so much on God the last 21 weeks, I haven't fully given it over 100% to him. I've been hanging on to some of it. Trying to be strong. Trying to prove I can survive. Why? What am I trying to prove and to whom? I'm not really sure. And I think that is part of my frustration. I felt God continuing to whisper to me that I don't have to be strong and I have nothing to prove. So I'm trying my best to lay it down and remind myself that I can't and shouldn't try to carry this alone.

Praise be to the Lord, to God our Savior, who daily bears our burdens. Psalm 68:19