Will You Marry Me?

12 years ago today, Jason asked the most important question of his life............

After our 2 week road trip (falling in love then and pretending to be married) we came back and continued our dating life. Things continued to go well that summer and into the fall. We were starting to make plans for New Years. It was 1999 and the Millennium New Year was a big deal at that time. We had some friends that were going down to San Antonio so we decided to go down there as well. We stayed in a really cool hotel (the name has slipped my mind but it was historical and very neat) not too far from the river walk. We woke up New Year's Eve morning and started getting ready for the day.

Let me back up - a month or two before, Jason and I had some serious discussions about marriage. Our relationship was very easy. I had always heard that when you find "the one" you will just know. And we did. We both came from divorced families so we didn't take this decision lightly but we were confident in our relationship and we were excited to start that next chapter together. Jason had taken me to look at rings. In fact, we went to a jeweler that was from our church and had a great reputation of providing beautiful rings at very honest prices. We looked around and finally decided to have my ring made. I found some rings that were pretty but none of them were "the one." We talked to the owner, he made some sketches and when we left I felt good that he understood what we wanted. I told Jason that I wanted a round diamond but that I wanted him to choose it. I wasn't sure how much exactly he wanted to spend and I knew that I'd be happy with whatever he wanted me to have. I had no idea when the ring would be made or when he would ask but at least we had taken the time to figure it all out.

Going down to San Antonio, I had a slight idea that he might propose that weekend. We were in a fun place, it was an exciting weekend and it kind of seemed like a good time. On the other hand though, I didn't want to get myself excited about it in case he didn't do it that weekend. He had kind of a playful side too and I realized that he could use this weekend to throw me off. I daydreamed about when and how it would happen. Where would we be? He knew that I was a pretty private person and would never want a big production made in front of a ton of people. I knew it would be simple and sweet and just us.

We started getting ready that morning- he showered and got ready first and then let me have my turn. We had some fun things planned for the day and I was excited to just be together. In the back of my mind, I told myself that this could be the night. I finished getting ready and I walked out of the bathroom. He was on the balcony, which overlooked this large outside area that was full of people. He asked me to come outside. I walked to the balcony....waiting for him to show me something and the instant I saw his face, I knew. He was so nervous and so excited all at the same time. He told me lots of wonderful things (that I won't share here) and got on his knee. He asked me the most important question of his life: Will you marry me? And I said yes.

Our Trip

The boys and I got back from our trip on Monday. We are settling back in at home- catching up on laundry and enjoying some new toys they got for Christmas. Our little vacation served it's purpose. It gave us a chance to create some new memories and gave us a mental break from everything that's been going on here. Overall, I'm really glad we went.

I'd be lying if I said it still wasn't hard. This particular week, TONS of families were on this cruise. While I'm still surrounded by families here at home, for some reason it was harder for me this week. I guess it's because I had more time to look around and focus on the people around us. Many times throughout this trip I felt that people were trying to figure our family out. Wondering what brought us there. A young mom with her two kids and her mom. We kind of stood out a little bit. At least that's how I felt.

We all enjoyed the warmer weather and opportunities to play at the beach. We did some fun excursions in some pretty places. I think we all agree that playing with the dolphins was our favorite. It honestly didn't feel like Christmas while there. For that I'm extremely grateful. Even though the void was still there, we managed to survive somehow.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were brutal for me personally. I tried my best to keep the smile on my face but inside I was struggling. Despite the beautiful scenery and ongoing activities, I still felt such an overwhelming sadness. Christmas Eve evening I couldn't help but think back at what our family would normally be doing if Jason hadn't died. We would have attended our huge family Christmas party, brought the kids home and tucked them in bed, and then started getting gifts ready for the boys. Earlier that day, the boys and I would have made cookies for Santa and Jason and I would nibble on them that night as we assembled toys and set them out. We would take turns watching and listening to make sure someone didn't sneak out of bed and bust us. It was a fun time for us. Instead, I laid in bed with zero desire to do anything. My sweet mom set her alarm clock so that she could put the boys Santa gifts out and take a bite of the cookies once the boys were asleep. I didn't have it in me. Christmas Day started with two little boys squealing over what Santa brought and yet I still had no desire to take videos or even pictures. Almost like I wanted to pretend this Christmas never existed. I was hanging by a thread emotionally but still managed to get up and around. I made it until lunchtime ...... when while at the table eating Cooper said "mom, if dad wasn't dead would he be here with us on this cruise?" I lost it. My sweet mom looked at me and told me to go back to the room. I couldn't control the tears and the entire weeks worth of emotions were coming out. I'm learning that I can't be strong all the time- even when I try. I went back to the room and crawled into bed. I just laid there and cried. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. All I could pray was "God, take this from me."

The boys did good but still had a few moments of their own. They both enjoyed the kids club on the ship- a play place where the kids can go and do activities and meet friends. One night I went to pick them up and one of the teachers told me that Hudson had gotten upset. He started crying and the teacher spent about 15 minutes with him as he cried and told her that his daddy had just died. Even though I know this is normal, it's still so hard to hear. As a mom, it's so hard to know your kids are hurting and there is nothing you can do about it. All the love in the world from me will never fill the huge daddy sized void they have in their hearts.

I continue to be so thankful for amazing friends that continue to check in on us and especially checked in on me last week. I got so many sweet texts and emails from friends telling me how our family was being prayed for continually those days. While it doesn't fully take the pain away it sure does make it more bearable.

Well, I have now survived 12 weeks and multiple birthdays and holidays without him. I can't explain how relieved I am to have those behind me and to have a break from them for a while. I am not naive in thinking that 2012 with magically make life easier for me but I do know that there is something refreshing about a new year. Praying for peace and joy in 2012!

This Week

Making cookies with dad- Dec 2009
This has been a busy week for us. The boys are officially finished with school until January. I think everyone is excited about no homework, no alarms and no schedules. Ask me next week if I'm still excited and we shall see! :)

The other day while I was working on the closet I was somewhat forced to look at the bag that contains Jason's ashes. I think I mentioned that I purchased 2 small keepsake urns for the boys. I plan to give them to them when they are older and can understand more. I bought one for myself- a simple pewter heart that has a small amount of ashes inside. Up until now, everything (including the large box with a majority of the ashes) has been inside that reusable bag- which has been inside the large gun safe in our closet. I stared at the heart for quite a while.....unsure what the next step should be for me. Will I ever really feel comfortable with it on my nightstand? I decided to get it out and set it on the small table next to my bed. It's been there a couple of days and I'm still undecided. I can't tell if it brings me peace, closure or what. I try my best to not think about what is inside but that has proven hard to do. The other night, I laid on my side and just stared at it. I kept thinking how crazy this all is and that I should be staring at him and not this. Even 10 weeks out I still have my moments when I have to remind myself that this is real.

The boys and I plan to get away for a bit over the Christmas break. Right after Jason died, I began to panic about Christmas. This has always been one of our favorite times and Jason was such a big part of the traditions and memories. I started to feel uneasy...... concluding that there was NO way I could wake up in this house alone on Christmas morning. So, I won't.

I braved the attic for the first time ever today. Let me tell you that I've never stepped foot in the attic. I'm scared of attics for some reason and honestly I've never had reason to go there. Jason always got things down and put things back away for me. Today, I realized that I needed a large suitcase from the attic. I pulled it down (all the while thinking about Christmas Vacation and praying it would not hit me in the face!) and made my way up. I got the light turned on and immediately spotted the suitcases. Lucky for me, we took that vacation back in August so they were right there. I didn't have to fully get in there. I stretched as far as could in order to reach it and I manged to get it down. Big accomplishment for me!!

I didn't see my large suitcase anywhere. Jason's big rolling suitcase was within reach so I decided to go with that one. I took it into my room and searched it high and low. I unzipped every pocket and looked inside every corner that might possibly store something. Nothing. He was so good about unpacking right when we got home. And he diligently unzipped every pocket to make sure nothing was left behind. Bummer for me. I was hoping to find something.....anything. Even a simple receipt would have been nice.

I began packing for a trip that I'm not super excited about and a trip that I wouldn't be taking if he was still here. That kind of takes the fun out of it. However, I do know that this trip is exactly what this little family needs. A change of scenery. A new set of walls. Distractions. New memories.

I hope and pray everyone has a Merry Christmas!!

The Closet

I continue to see more and more how people grieve so differently. I have a new friend- a guy that suddenly lost his wife 12 days before I lost Jason. We check in with each other from time to time and share about our pain and what our days without our loved one looks like. He told me the other day about how when she first died, he searched high and low in every closet and drawer to see what he could find. He was hoping to find something he had not already seen. That gave him great comfort. For me.......I avoided all those things. It was too fresh and the pain was too raw for me to look. I felt that no matter what I found, it would not bring Jason back to me. Interesting how we all handle things in our own way.

Yesterday, I decided to work on the closet. For the past 2 months, my closet has served as the storage area for anything and everything I haven't wanted to deal with. I started just putting things in there and closing the door. Eventually, I couldn't see the floor and had to jump over piles in order to get to my clothes. It was quite ridiculous but I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it. I decided that yesterdays task would be to clear everything off the floor and mostly focus on my stuff. I had clothes in there from 1994 (okay, maybe not that far back but waaaay back) in a variety of sizes. I'm sure most girls can relate to me on that. When I got married, I was tiny. Then you add two pregnancies into the mix and I had clothes in different sizes to get me through the different stages- the sizes got bigger before I wore maternity and then I had the bigger sizes to carry me after the birth until I lost the weight. Most of the clothes were dated and even if they fit, I wouldn't want to wear them today. Jason always called me a pack rat. Said I had a hard time getting rid of things. He was right. What if I needed that someday? :)

I started on my side and went through each piece- one by one. I filled 8 garbage bags full of shoes and clothes that I don't wear anymore. It was such a nice feeling once I was finished. The bad part is that I have very little left and I kept telling myself that I needed to go shopping to partially fill it back up. Ha!

I was able to get some of Jason's things off the floor and onto a shelf. This is when the emotions really started to take over for me. I would stare at something and think "this is the last spot he put that." For the first time in almost 10 weeks I had such a strong desire to feel and smell him again. I walked over to his dress shirts that were hanging up and just grabbed a big handful of the sleeves and buried my face in them. I lost it. It's probably the hardest cry I've had since Oct 5. One might classify it as howling. My body desperately needed to release those emotions. I continued to say out loud: "why?"... "how?"... "I don't understand" ...."this isn't fair." To my disappointment the smells had faded.

Before starting the closet, I found a scripture that stood out to me:
"Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." James 1:2-4

While in the closet, I had a pep talk and kept repeating to myself: "find the joy." I did. I looked at shirts and thought about places we went and the images in my head of him wearing those clothes. I am so thankful for wonderful memories with him.

I kept repeating to myself: "you are being tested." And I am. I feel like much of this nightmare is a test of my faith and that Satan is waiting in the wings to see if I'll fall. Sometimes it's hard to be strong and realize that God still loves me and wants the best for me. One could easily view Jason's death as a betrayal on God's part. Not me. I know better than that.

I kept repeating to myself: "you are getting stronger every day." Even when I can't see it at that moment, I do know that I've acquired an unimaginable amount of strength to carry me through this time.

The hardest part for me was looking inside the white hospital bag. Inside, were the clothes and shoes that Jason wore into the ER that day. I hugged his shirt and dug into his pockets to see what I could find. He had no clue that morning that it would be his last day to get dressed.

I'm starting to pull some things aside for the boys. I plan to have a large bucket filled with some of Jason's things and this will be something they can have when they get older. After Christmas, I plan to let his family and even close friends come and take dress shirts or anything else they might want of his. The rest will be donated.

I have such mixed feelings when thinking about an empty closet. Part of me thinks it will be easier to go in there and not see his things. The other part of me is crushed to know it won't be there and that life is moving on without him. I have to remind myself though that these are just things and that life on Earth is just a brief resting place.

"We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

Easing In

So like it or not, I'm slowly easing into this new life of mine. I'm accepting things like: I'm a 35 year old widow. I sleep alone in my bed. I ask for a table for 3 at a restaurant. I must rely on family and friends to help me. I can't take away the pain my boys feel because they miss their daddy. While each of these things bring about their own type of pain, the fact is I can't change it. I'm becoming comfortable without my ring. I'm sleeping in the middle of the bed. I invite friends to lunch/dinner so that the number 3 isn't quite so obvious. I ask for help (sort of) when I need it. I pray fervently that my boys hearts are protected. I'm easing my way in.

Today I found my scrapbook from our Montana trip. I thought I'd share a few pictures since my last post was about our trip and that sweet ring he purchased.

Just packed up the car and ready to leave Flower Mound.
In Colorado

Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Taking a break at a park in the middle of Jackson Hole

Grand Tetons in the back. Such an amazing day.

Jenny Lake

Full day of hiking.

Old Faithful

Paradise Gateway- Montana

Red Lodge, Montana. At an old movie theater. If you look close, you can see his ring.

Driving through the Beartooth Scenic Byway. Breathtaking.

When I was in the study today, I found the binder up in the closet. It had the full itinerary, maps, printouts of all the Bed and Breakfast places. I'm so thankful he kept this.

Another sweet treasure for me today.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present." Eleanor Roosevelt

Drawers and Sweet Treasures

I'm sure if you asked 100 people that have lost a spouse - when they decided to clear out the drawers and closets, you would probably get 100 different answers. I knew in the very beginning that it was too fresh for me to tackle. I just had a feeling that I'd know when the time was right. This week, I decided I was ready to start some of it. Come to find out, I'm still not quite ready to do the closet so I thought I'd start off with going through his drawers and clearing things out. I hated it in so many ways.....once again feeling like I'm erasing him from my life. However, what does one do with all the socks and underwear and tshirts that are left behind? I did have some sweet friends come get several of Jason's favorite tshirts and they are having a quilt made for the boys. I'm so excited to see that.

While sifting through his things, I ran across several things that made me smile. And laugh. And cry. I was reminded that I'll never fold his shirts or match his socks again. Something so trivial yet something so big at the same time. That season is over.

One of the first things that made me smile was looking in his sock drawer. Several years ago, Jason was looking through a magazine and found a sock organizer. I can't remember the cost of it but I remember it was pretty pricey. I heard him say "I can make that" and if you knew Jason and how practical/frugal he was then you knew he would find a way to make it for practically nothing. And he did.

As you can see, this little organizer was efficient and was used daily. He was so proud of himself that he made it. It served it's purpose and he was happy about that. I've seen this organizer a hundred times over the years but today it put such a huge smile on my face.

I also found these pictures of us. Wow, we were babies back then!

This was taken when we were dating- sometime in 1999. At Medieval Times.At my mom's house- Jason's 30th surprise birthday party.

I found this birthday card hidden in a drawer. It was not signed yet. I could only wonder if he recently bought this card (my birthday is next week).......and if so, huge kudos to him for planning that far ahead. Or, did he buy it long time ago and forgot it was there? Either way, it touched my heart that he bought it for me with the intent of giving it to me.

This last one is my favorite. Let me tell you a story. I met Jason is the spring of 1999. I had just come off a couple of relationships that had not worked out so well for me. I had pretty much given up on love and was really ready to toss in the towel with guys altogether. I met Jason that spring (there is kind of a sweet love story there that I'll share another time) but I was not interested in starting a relationship. I let him know this on our first date, even though we spent hours together and things seemed to be clicking. We continued to see each other and spend time together and this sweet man honored my wishes and never tried to kiss me or take things any further. One night while talking on the phone I mentioned to him that I was really wanting to take a trip during the summer. I was a school teacher at that time and had my summers off. I mentioned to him that I'd love to go to Montana and explore the beautiful scenery there. He mentioned that he too wanted to go there. So in a joking way, I said "then let's go." And he said okay.

The next week or so, he came over with a binder full of information and a complete itinerary for our almost 2 week adventure. I was super impressed with him at this point. He had spared no detail and was like a kid in a candy store showing it to me. Ironically, we were still "friends" at this point. I knew that this trip would make or break us. I'd either fall in love or be so sick of him. I was curious to find out.

We left in late June that year and took the most amazing road trip ever. We stopped off in Colorado, then Jackson Hole, Wyoming..... we hiked the Grand Tetons, explored Yellowstone, and stayed at some wonderful places in Montana. We hiked, we went fly fishing.....had an amazing time. It was on this trip that we had "the talk" and realized we wanted to be together. It was the scene for our first kiss and it was on that trip that I knew I'd become his wife.

As part of Jason's planning, he booked us some really neat places to stay. We spent nights in quaint little Bed and Breakfasts and skipped the big hotel chains. With that comes getting to talk and visit with the "keepers" of the B&B. On the first night or so, I remember telling Jason that I felt kind of weird talking to these owners because they would ask us questions like " so, are you guys married?" and I felt weird when I'd say no. I was so concerned that someone would think we were sleeping together and that bothered me. We had already talked about that and knew we'd save that for our honeymoon. Still, I was uncomfortable with this image we were giving people.

On one of our stops, we went into this little country store to eat lunch. It was a really cute place- kind of a smaller version of Cracker Barrel. We ate lunch and started looking around. Jason found a cheap/fake ring that looked similar to a men's wedding band. After talking about it, he purchased it and placed it on his hand. I had a small band with diamonds already that I was able to wear and with that..........we decided to pretend we were married. We had fun discussing the details.....okay, so we got married on this date, we went here for our honeymoon, etc...... We had a full story prepared and every night going forward we were able to share that "story" with the keepers of the B&B. I felt a little guilty for lying but at the same time, I felt so good that people were not judging us or looking at us like we were shacking up together. I remember sitting across the table from him and listening to him answer questions and smiling. Several of those details came true- we did end up going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, we did end up having 2 kids like we said we wanted.... in many ways, that pretend story contained the dreams we had for our future.

So, yesterday while going through his drawers I found the ring. The cheap little ring that pinched his finger because it was one of those adjustable ones. The cheap little ring that sparked a fire in my heart for him. The cheap little ring that stayed on his hand for those almost 2 weeks and gave me a small glimpse of what married life might be like with him. I'm so thankful for this sweet treasure and for the wonderful memories that go with it. I miss him today.

The Story: Part 2

The car ride home was a blur....much like the time spent in the hospital after I was told Jason had passed. You can't even properly explain the transformation a body goes through when this amount of shock consumes the body. I mentioned feeling robotic. It's like my body went into autopilot mode. My actions were void of emotion but continuing to go through the necessary steps in order to function. Once I left the private room where Jason was held I can't remember much after that. I do remember getting on facebook and updating my status to let friends know that Jason was gone. I can't recall exactly what I said but I do remember feeling peace about the words on the screen. I believe the Holy Spirit gave me the ability to share his death with others. I was already seeing lives begin to change in that hospital and I didn't even realize it at the time.

I walked out of the hospital exactly like I walked in: without Jason. Except this time I knew it was for good. Looking back, I wonder what everyone else was feeling. How strange to drive home and process the days events. Did everyone else feel the instant void like I did?

We pulled into my driveway and the boys were outside playing. I remember watching them and thinking that they had only moments left of pure innocence. A few minutes to savor the secure life we had built for them. I was about to shatter that security. I was about to tell them the worst news imaginable. We went inside and I sat them down on the chair. I was rubbing their backs and trying to love on them before I started. Once again, the Holy Spirit took over and allowed me to begin the story. I started to lay some ground work of the previous day.....about how daddy's heart was sick. Hudson looked at me with his huge brown eyes and blurted out "please don't tell me he's dead." I was crying and managed to nod my head. Yes sweet boy, daddy is gone. Cooper instantly covered his face and started crying. Hudson stared at me in disbelief while faint whimpers came from his mouth. I held them as we all cried and tried to assure them that we would be okay. Questions like "who will take us camping?" and "will we ever have a daddy?" began to pour out. The questions and answers seemed so foreign and so wrong to my ears. Were we really having this conversation? I've said it before but the entire scene was surreal.

The days that followed are hard for me to remember. I do believe that shock is an amazing gift from God- a natural way to protect the heart from the raw emotions. I continued to robotically go about the day and do things for the boys. I'm forever grateful for my mom and sister for being here and helping me out during that time. What would we do without family?

The other night I reread some of my earlier posts and it's amazing to me that in just 9 short weeks I'm able to see that I'm already stronger. I give God full credit for this. It certainly wasn't anything I did. It's the constant prayers that have been lifted on my behalf that have allowed me to make it here today. I know this season is just beginning and that hard days are still in my future. It's my prayer that I'll come out on the other end a stronger person because of this. Maybe one day I can minister to someone else that experiences a similar loss. God is certainly working in me and through me right now. Pretty excited to see what He has in store for me.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying 'You are my God!' My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15

The Story

I've put this post off for almost 9 weeks now. I struggle with going back to that day in my mind but I also wonder if down the road, I'll want to reflect back on what happened. There are still times when a new memory will pop up from those 2 days.....something I had forgotten. I'm sure I'll still continue to remember something new so I may even have to update this post from time to time. So, here it goes:

Tuesday, Oct 4 started like any other normal day around here. I got myself up and ready, got the boys up and ready for school. Dropped the boys off and then headed to preschool. I teach preschool 2 days a week in Southlake. I had a good day in the 3's class- just busy with those sweet kids. I gathered my things and headed to school to pick the boys up.

I got to school 5-10 minutes early and made my way into the pickup line. I turned my car off and rolled the windows down, trying to enjoy a few minutes of quiet before the boys piled in the car. I got a text from Jason about 2:57 saying something like "don't panic, I'm at the Baylor ER. Pains in my chest but they have run some tests and ruled out the heart and everything serious. Think it's an ulcer near my esophagus." Of course I panic and pick up my phone to call him. We briefly talk about what's been going on. He informed me that at around lunch time, he got a really deep pain in his chest. The middle of his chest, not over his heart. He said he got hot all over and the room started to fade to a white color. With it being lunch time and the intensity of the pain, he decided he needed to leave to have himself checked out. This is one of the reasons panic set in for me. If you knew Jason then you knew that he never made a fuss over himself. For him to drive himself there was a huge indicator that he felt something was wrong. He couldn't find his boss but he asked a few coworkers to let him know that he was heading to Baylor. He had to pull over once on his way. That white coloring was causing a distraction for him while driving. He made his way to Baylor- thankfully only had a short drive- and checked himself into the ER. He had been there about an hour and a half before he contacted me. I think he wanted to get checked out first so that when he did finally tell me, he could assure me that things were going to be okay. Sweet boy, always trying to protect me.

I immediately called my mom- who answered the phone and sounded like she had been hit by a truck. She was really sick and obviously was in no condition to come watch the boys for me so that I could make my way to the ER. Next, I called Jason's sister- who lives and works near us. This particular day, she was working off site and not really in a position to come keep the boys either. Thankfully Jason's step dad was home and was able to head my direction. I got the boys home and settled in- the entire time trying to stay calm and not let them know that something was going on. I actually told them that I had a "meeting" to go to really fast and that Papa Jim was coming to play with them. They were excited and thought nothing of it. I quickly made my way around the house- setting out pajamas, looking for something to throw together for the boys to eat, trying to make sure things were easily accessible in case Jim needed something. In my mind, I realized that we might not be home until after dinner so I tossed a granola bar into my purse and waited. Jim came and I made my way to the hospital.

Once I got there, I found Jason in an ER room and he seemed to be feeling pretty good. They had first given him a pain med that didn't phase him but they moved on to morphine, which seemed to be working. We talked for a bit but within no time his pain was coming back. He pushed the nurse paging button next to his bed. We waited for a few minutes. Nothing. I walked out to the nurses station and asked if someone could please come look at him. I went back to the room and waited. Nothing. Jason's pain was continuing to increase so he pushed the button again. Finally, someone came in and administered additional morphine. At this point, I was nervous.....I honestly can't stand hospitals.....but he had assured me that they had ruled out the really serious stuff. I wish I had asked him in more detail exactly which tests they ran before he called me. A male nurse came in and asked if they had taken Jason for his CT scan. We told him no and he left to go find out when that would take place. About 10 minutes later, a tech came in and started unplugging wires from the bed and explained to me that they would wheel him down for the CT scan and bring him right back. I was told that they were looking at the pulmonary area to check for ulcers or even blood clots in the lungs. I watched as they pushed him out of the room and was praying so hard that what they found was an easy fix. I used this time to text and update family. I really didn't have much info at this time but I wanted to let everyone know what was going on. His mom and sister were heading up there.

About 10-15 later, the tech brought Jason back to the room. I might be exaggerating here but I swear there were about 10 other medical staff with them. My heart sank. I knew. We had been begging for attention and additional pain meds a few minutes ago. Now, half the floor was in our room. I immediately started crying. The male nurse explained to us that "a suspicious area was detected around the aorta." Everything started running together at this point. There were nurses coming in and out, people reconnecting Jason to the wires, another nurse drawing a diagram on the dry erase board.....the answers to my questions were pretty vague. I heard snippets of information- "heart surgery", "aneurysm in the aorta", "heart surgeon headed here now" I really can't explain the panic that took over. I looked at Jason, who stared back at me with eyes that told me it would be okay. He never once cried. He grabbed my hand and whispered that we would be okay. He was so brave. He was being brave for me. I wonder if he was scared at all? Had God given him a peace?

I started texting his mom and sister telling them to get there immediately and that they were talking about heart surgery. The surgeon finally got there and came into the room to discuss the procedure. They explained that Jason had an aneurysm in his aorta and that without surgery, he would die. I felt that the doctor was only giving us part of the information. It wasn't until I pressed the issue that he told me there was a 30-40% chance he wouldn't survive the surgery. I went out into the hallway for a minute to make a phone call and was immediately greeted by the chaplain. He started talking to me and asked to pray with me. I remember saying, "do you know something that I don't know? Did they tell you that he would die?" I was begging for any information at this point. We stood in the hallway and prayed together and then I went back into the room. Things were moving fast and they were starting to prep him for surgery.

I'm not sure if the staff intentionally left the room for a few minutes or if it just happened to work out that way. Either way, so thankful for those few minutes alone. Jason motioned me over to his bed and asked if we could pray together. I was crying so hard and telling him that I loved him and couldn't do this alone. We held hands and prayed together and even though I don't remember everything he prayed that day, I do know that he asked that God's will be done, that God would protect the boys and me, and that God would forgive him for all of his sins. He looked at me and told me how much he loved me and how thankful he was for me. He told me what a great wife and mom I was and that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have had me. He looked me right in the eyes and told me that if he did die, that he wanted me to be happy. He said that he didn't want me to be alone and that if I ever found another Christian man that I loved, it was his blessing for me to remarry. I shook my head and told him no. No, I didn't even want to think about that!! Was I really having this conversation? It was so typical for him to think about me instead of himself. He wanted to give me the gift of freedom in the event he did die. What an amazing man.

We decided that Jason needed to call the boys. We certainly didn't want to alarm them but we did want Jason to have a chance to talk with them one last time before surgery. Jason called and asked about their day.....told them he was at the doctor and they were working to make him better. He told them how much he loved them and that he was proud of them. I sat in the chair and cried, thinking about these precious boys at home playing with Legos and completely clueless that this might be the last time they talked to their daddy. And it was.

Jason's mom, sister, and my sister made it to the hospital. Jason decided to update his facebook status- actually he asked me if that was corny or not but I told him no, that the more people that could be praying for him the better. A nurse was pushing forms in front of Jason and showing him where to sign. He was giving permission to be treated and permission to receive blood. In order to make light of the situation, Jason looked at the doctor and said "if you don't mind, I'd really prefer only UT blood because I love the longhorns." I was amazed that he could crack a joke at a time like this. Again, just his way of trying to keep me calm. The medical staff was finishing up and the anesthesiologist came in to begin his part. We kissed a few times and I whispered in his ear that I'd be waiting for him. And so the waiting started.

We were initially told that the surgery would be 6-8 hours long. I was told that the surgery is often successful but I was warned that what tends to happen is that the bleeding won't stop and that this is where the real issue is at. It was a waiting game for sure. We were moved to a large waiting area and family and friends started piling in. I can't even begin to express how thankful I was and am to have been surrounded by amazing people that love our family. We had moments of prayer, times of talking and moments of silence where we were lost in our own thoughts about what was going on. I had great moments of peace during this time. I was thankful for the distractions in that waiting room. It definitely made the time move along. The staff took my cell phone number and promised to call with updates. I received my first update about an hour and a half into the surgery. I was told that he was on full breathing and heart bypass but that he was doing well. A few more hours went by without any updating. The next update was that the surgery was over and that they were in the waiting period- trying to make sure the bleeding was under control. The hours marched on and the waiting room was never empty. I had friends and family that were there the entire time, never leaving my side. These are precious friends that have families of their own. They had jobs to work at the next day. They loved Jason enough to stay. I will never be able to express my appreciation for the time that was spent there and the personal sacrifices that were made.

I got another update that the bleeding would not stop. I don't even know what time it was at this point.....early in the hours on Wednesday morning. I had not slept and was still in my preschool shirt from the day before. I was functioning on full adrenaline. I had promised Jason that I would wait for him and I did. Waiting and praying. I can't really explain the transformation that took place in me during those hours but something was making me feel as if he wouldn't make it. I questioned myself and wondered if it was a lack of faith. I knew that God could heal him but for some reason, I felt that he wouldn't. Was God preparing me? We continued to get word that he was not clotting and that things were not looking good. The doctor came to talk to us and told me that he would not stop until there was nothing more to do. He did tell me that if this had been a 70 year old man that he would have already stopped. You could see in the doctors eyes that he was heartbroken to be working on a healthy young man like Jason. I trusted him and felt so great about this surgeon. He was honest and sincere and several people told me that his reputation was amazing. I knew Jason was in the best Earthly hands possible.

More family and friends piled in as the day started (wed, oct 5) and it was more of the same- waiting, talking, and praying. The surgery ended up lasting 20 hours. A nurse came down and called the family into a room. She said that they were closing him up and that the doctor would be in shortly to talk to us. I was confused- so the surgery was a success? Would they take the time to "close him up" if he had died? I asked questions and got very general answers and was told that the doctor would give us all the information we needed. We waited for what seemed like forever in a tiny waiting area. I sat there, waiting to hear the outcome and figure out the fate of our family. The doctor came in and started talking. I heard nothing. I wanted to know- dead or alive? He was talking in medical terms. I think I cut him off and asked "so, did he make it?" He shook his head and said no.

I remember thinking that I wanted to run out of that hospital as fast as I could. I wanted to yell. I wanted to beg him to keep trying, even though I know he tried way longer than he ever should have. I walked out of the small waiting room before he was even finished talking. I ran into the arms of my friend and lost it. I remember stomping my feet and feeling so alone and in disbelief. Why did this happen? How did we get here? Please Lord tell me I will wake up from this nightmare.

Someone came and told me that they were moving Jason into a private room so that we could go and spend a little time with him. I immediately said I didn't want to go. I've always been weird about seeing people in caskets at funerals. Every time I've looked I have always regretted it. I always remember saying that I wish I hadn't and that I wanted to remember that person alive. I stewed on that for a few minutes.....going back and forth. I knew it was either now or never and that I'd never get a chance to do it. I leaned against the wall and fervently prayed about it, begging God to give me a clear answer. The answer was yes, you need to do this. I went back and told the worker that I did want to go but that I wanted to go alone. They allowed me to go first. We rode the elevator up and I was led into the room where they had taken him. I have no idea how these feet managed to walk across that room and over to the bed. He was so swollen. The 20 hour surgery had taken it's toll on his body. The blanket was pulled up to his neck. I moved the blanket back and touched his arm. He was still warm. I stroked his hand and put my head on the pillow next to his. I whispered into his ear...I love you, I miss you already, I'm so sorry, how can I live without you? I was in shock. My body was so unsure how to act. I told him goodbye and robotically left the room.

My best friends offered to drive my car home and two sweet guy friends from church offered to drive Jason's car home. I rode back with my sister. I have no idea what we said during that drive, if anything. I just remember thinking and praying because I was faced with the most difficult conversation of my life. Telling my boys that their daddy was in heaven.

Choosing to Celebrate

I mentioned this early on but something that continues to stick out with me is the fact that I'm mourning not only the loss of Jason but also the "dream" of our family. Sure, I miss the day to day things that involved him but I also miss the dreams I had for our future. I mourn the fact that we will never celebrate 50 years of marriage. That was very important to us. We will not rejoice together when our boys get married. We won't become grandparents together. We won't retire and spend the golden years traveling and going to see all the places we dreamed of visiting. In the big picture, I know these are trivial but some days it just stinks. On the other hand though, I know another dream we shared was the promise of heaven one day and he has already received that reward. So, today I'm choosing to celebrate the time we DID have and be thankful for it.

As for the day to day things....I certainly miss having someone to share things with. The past few weeks there have been things that have happened and I immediately wanted to tell him. We were outside playing one day and got to talking with our neighbors (who have had their house for sale for quite some time) and they told me the house sold. I immediately thought "oh, can't wait to tell Jason" and then realized I couldn't. Cooper's teacher told me 2 days before Jason died that she wanted to test him for gifted and talented. I never mentioned it to Jason. Why, oh why didn't I make the time to tell him that? He would have been thrilled to know our feisty little guy was such a smart little boy! This morning I discovered a leak under the boys bathroom sink. Jason was extremely handy around the house and was able to fix almost anything. I can no longer call him to ask him to fix it...and give him an opportunity to prove to me that he is important and that we needed him. Today, I'm choosing to be thankful for the years we had to share things and for the chances he had to provide for our family.

Choosing to celebrate is not a natural reaction for me right now. Nope, I often find myself in the "why, why not, what if" stage of grief. My counselor is continuing to help me change my thought process. If I want to heal (which I do!) then I can't live in the past or the "what should have been." I look forward to the day when my first reaction is to celebrate and not be sad. I know I'll get there. I'm already so much further down the road then I thought possible!

8 weeks

Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since Jason died. In some ways it seems much longer than that. On the other hand it seems like it was just yesterday. In the beginning, I would measure time in tiny increments.

• I survived 5 hours this first day without him.




• Look, it's been 3 days.




• Wow, a month has gone by.
  

At some point I'll start referring to months and then years that have gone by. Still so surreal some days.

I continue to be blessed by so many people that love our family. I could never have imagined how people would come together and do things for us like they have. Especially 2 months out, I expected all the attention to have stopped. It hasn't. On facebook today, I posted that I'm thankful that God knows what I need exactly when I need it. He does and He continues to provide. He has placed just the right people in my path. He has put things on the hearts of friends and they in turn have blessed our family by taking care of specific needs we have had. He has given me a crazy amount of peace these last 56 days. He provides and carries me every single day.

I am blessed.

Still Here

So thankful for a new week....one without any special holidays or events. Last week was an emotional one for me. Birthday and Thanksgiving in the same week was a bit much for this little family. The boys, especially Hudson, had a hard time. Not only is the reality continuing to set in but just the realization that the holidays will forever be different made all of us a little sad. For Thanksgiving we ate lunch at the Gaylord and then walked through the ICE exhibit. I was thankful for the distractions but it was never far from my mind that our family was minus one.

I touched a pan for the first time since Oct 5. I've been so blessed by friends bringing us dinner or I have had gift cards to use on nights nothing is brought. This afternoon I picked up a rotisserie chicken and then made steamed edemame and couscous for dinner. It was nothing special but it just hit me as I reached in the cabinet to grab my pan that I haven't done so since his death. Such a shame because I LOVE to cook for my family. I know that I'll get back to it again but honestly I've had zero desire and just the thought of planning out a weekly menu is overwhelming for me. I looked at my pan and had a flashback to almost 2 years ago when Jason came home with a new pot and pan set for my birthday. The other stuff we had was the set we got when we got married. It was still okay but I was really wanting a stainless steel set so that I could get away from the Teflon stuff. He was so proud of himself because he had researched them and finally decided on the set he thought would be perfect for me. It was really sweet the day he gave them to me a few days early for my birthday. He was excited to see my expression. Sweet memories.

As we finished dinner tonight, I looked around at all the leftovers. Jason was SOOOO great about eating them. In fact, he was always more than happy to take leftovers to work for lunch. He didn't like going out to lunch that often and chose to save his money and just eat what I sent for him. It was so nice because the food didn't go to waste, he saved money, and it got ME off the hook from having to eat them. I'm not the best at leftovers. I got sad thinking about all the future meals we will have and no one to be excited that tomorrow's lunch is already taken care of. The other day, I found some frozen pot roasts in the freezer. I made a pot roast and veggies a couple of weeks before he died and froze single portions up for him. He was thrilled to have a stocked freezer of lunches waiting for him. Something so little but it was something he appreciated so much. And I was happy to do it. I cried at the sight of those lunches, knowing I'd never eat them (I'm not a red meat person) Just another reminder that he's gone and life is forever different.

Yesterday, I took the boys to Target to get a small tree and decorations. Even though I've been offered by countless people to get up in the attic to get the holiday things down, I honestly didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it. Do I really want to see the stocking with his name on it? Do I want to hang the ornaments that were special to him or those that had our names written on them? The answer is no. I've mentioned before that I'd love nothing more than to wake up on January 1, 2012. Thankfully I was able to convince the boys that a small 4 ft tree would look adorable in the living room. We are going out of town for 8 days over Christmas break so I kept reminding them that we will be gone over Christmas anyways. They decorated the tree and seemed to be happy with that. It makes me so sad that I'm not more excited or that I'm not trying to continue all the fun traditions that we once had. I just can't do it this year. It's not in me. I feel bad that they are kind of getting the short end of the stick but I'm learning to let some things go. It's my prayer that next year can be more like previous years.

The boys continue to feel the void of a male in the house. Cooper especially has been asking about a new daddy. The first time he mentioned this, it really threw me for a loop. I know that it's nothing against Jason or that he wants to replace him. I can't take it personally. I know that he just misses a daddy figure and is curious if he will ever have that again. Quite honestly I'm curious about that too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it or even pray about it. Do I want to be alone forever? No. Do I want to fully raise these boys alone and without a Christian male influence? No. My life is 100% in God's hands and I feel confident he will provide for us when the time is right. He's already cared for us every step of the way these last 8 weeks and I know the future is no different. I am hopeful and thankful for every blessing that has come from this nightmare.

Two Roads

The boys and I got away this weekend. Took a little road trip with my mom out to DeLeon, where my cousin has 26 acres. It's out in the middle of nowhere and is a very peaceful place. The boys love it there- they have horses, a tank, a workshop with lots of tools and gadgets, a go cart, a golf cart and lots of neat things that excite little boys. They were able to ride a horse, play outside all day, and do lots of things that we don't get to normally do here at home. It was definitely good for them. And good for me too. I was fortunate enough that my mom and aunt spent a lot of time with them so that I could have some down time. I was able to read from a book I'm reading right now. I had some quiet time with God. I was able to lay in bed and just rest. I took a long walk one day. The scenery was extremely peaceful and so good for my soul. I was walking up this road and this scene just stood out with me. I was listening to my music and stopped in order to take a picture. It made me think about my journey.....my walk so far in this grieving process and this picture reminded me of the choices I can make while on this walk. I see it sort of like this: I'm walking down this road, coming out of the fog/shock stage that happens in the beginning. I am nearing a dead end. I can only go right or left. To the left, I see a road of sadness and bitterness. To the right, I see the road of hope and joy. Which way do I go? I immediately envision myself making a sharp turn to the right........hoping to avoid bitterness altogether. In my real life, I've already turned towards the right and am well on my way. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes stop and turn my head and look back at the left. Those are the days when I struggle or when Satan really works his way inside my head. But I continue to pray and ask God to hold my hand as we walk down the road together. I'm so thankful that I've got a choice in this process and that I'm choosing hope. God has placed that on my heart and for that I'm grateful.

Today was Jason's birthday. I woke up this morning and could not control the tears. It was probably good because I'd had several good days and a couple of days with very little sadness. I think the tears had been building up and today was the day when everything seemed to release. I had such a mixture of emotions....like I often do. I was fortunate enough to have a therapy session this morning. I've really come to look forward to them. I feel so much better after going. I was telling her that I was sad about never getting to spend another birthday with Jason. She told me to instead be thankful for the birthdays we DID get to share together instead of focusing on the ones we won't share. The light bulb really came on for me when she said that. Once again I'm left with the choice of turning left or right on this road of grief. So today, I chose to be thankful for the ones we did have.

During our session, she asked me to tell her something funny about Jason. I did and managed to bust out laughing while the tears were pouring down my cheeks. It felt good. She encouraged me to text everyone that was planning to attend his birthday dinner and ask them to also think about a funny story. We were all able to share those stories tonight and I must say, the laughter felt good. I didn't feel guilty for laughing or for feeling content at that moment. I feel that's a benefit of being on the road of hope.

Before dinner, we all met and wrote messages on balloons so that the kids could send a message to daddy in heaven. I think it was a good visual for my boys. They had questions like "are you sure it will make it up to heaven?" and "do you really think daddy will get it?" It was good for all of us. I think it's something that we will do each year.

So, as I type this post tonight I realize that once again I've made it another day and survived another holiday without him. This is creating a peace inside of me towards Thanksgiving. I know it will be hard but because of Him, I'll make it.

Today is a New Day

When Hudson was younger I remember there was a time period when he went through that "stinker" stage. You know, the good old 3's? He had a run where he'd get into trouble at preschool and he always knew that it meant a serious talk with mom later that day. At bedtime, I would tuck him and tell him that I loved him and was proud of him and that tomorrow was a brand new day. I wanted him to know that he got to start over....got a clean slate each day. How little did I know that those very words I spoke to my son were the words I would later be telling myself. Thank you Lord that tomorrow is a brand new day!

Even though today is only half way through, I can tell you that it's already better than yesterday. Of course I've had my sad moments and the tears have definitely been shed but my overall outlook on life is brighter. I know that there will continue to be days like yesterday sprinkled in here and there but I really want to focus and highlight the days like today- when I feel hopeful and thankful and loved. Because today I do feel that way.

I had a session with my therapist this morning. I mentioned my "feeling judged" concerns and she immediately said "why do you care what other people think?" She's right. But it's because I'm a pleaser and I want people to be proud of me. She reinforced what I wrote about how I can only make decisions based on what's best for ME and that no one has walked in my shoes so they shouldn't be judging anyways. Today I'm thankful to have someone to talk to that's been down a similar road.

Hard Day

This has probably been the most emotional day in quite some time. It started off pretty good.....got some new running shoes yesterday and went for a brisk walk around the neighborhood. I was feeling good. I got ready and then went to the boys' school because Cooper had his Thanksgiving Feast. I guess I was more focused on going there for him and didn't really prepare myself for the parents I would see. Right after Jason died, the class took a collection and sent some money in a card for us. I was blown away by the generosity. I got to his classroom and instantly a mom introduced herself. Once I said my name, she immediately gave me a sad look and told me that she was sorry for my loss. This is the first time this has happened. I've either been surrounded by those that already knew or complete strangers that had no clue. While I appreciated her sincerity, my eyes immediately filled with tears and I fought the urge to bawl right there. I was in a fog the rest of the time and felt like everyone was watching my every move. Probably not, but just how I felt. I resisted the urge to watch all the dads film their child and smile as they watched them in class. It took everything in me to stay.

We had no dinner plans tonight and Cooper was asking for pizza so I called in Mr. Jims. Only the 2nd time since Jason died. I picked it up and brought it home. I'm not sure if the pizza sparked something in all of us but at one point all 3 of us were crying at the table. I've mentioned how great it is that kids are easily distracted. At one point, Cooper changed the subject and he and Hudson were discussing something other than their dad. I was already in the funk and I just sat there and cried. Pretty sad when your 8 year old has to tell you that everything will be okay. Cooper ended dinner with the comment "I sure wish all our family and friends could die so we could all go to heaven." I second that, sweet boy.

Today I wanted to stomp up and down like a spoiled brat and yell "This. Is. Not. Fair" at the top of my lungs. Because it isn't. I'm so mad today that I've been forced down this road. I just want my simple life back. Why me? I don't want this life. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this alone. I just don't wanna.

Another young guy that lost his wife a couple weeks before Jason died has also been writing on his blog to document his feelings. We've corresponded a little via facebook and will occasionally send a word of encouragement to each other. He's currently in Hawaii, by himself.......mourning without distractions. I wonder if that's something I need to do? Not sure that I need to go as far as Hawaii to do that but I'm feeling the need to just "be" and being at home makes that hard- even when the boys are at school. I'm praying that I'll know when and where I need to go in order to have some time for myself.

That's it for now. The other ugly side of grief....the days when it's nearly impossible to talk to God because I have nothing to say. All I can do is pray that tomorrow is a better day for me. It has to be.........

Feeling Judged

I mentioned early on that I felt like I was under a microscope. I know it's because people honestly care and worry about me but either way- I'm being watched. This is new and uncomfortable but also brings with it the reminder that I'm so blessed to have family and friends that care enough to watch. Kind of a double edged sword.

Unfortunately, there are no rule books with grief. There are no guidelines or systems to follow because each journey is unique. This morning I was thinking about how grief is like a fingerprint....no two are the same. I find myself questioning and second guessing lots of decisions that I'm making. In the end, I realize that there really is no definite answer. I must pray and ultimately make decisions that are best for me.

I've recently decided to stop wearing my wedding ring. Six weeks sounds like an awfully short amount of time. I'm pretty sure I would have thought the same thing in the past if I saw someone remove their ring after that short time. You know what? Wearing it brings me pain. Let me say first that I adore my ring. Jason allowed me to be a part of the process of designing it with him. Once we had the band figured out, I told him that I wanted a round stone and that it was up to him to choose that. I was never the kind of girl that insisted on a certain carat size. I would have been happy with whatever he gave me. He chose a beautiful round stone and the minute he proposed to me I was in awe of my ring. Still am to this day. I told him several times throughout our marriage that I never wanted him to "upgrade" my ring or center stone in any way. I was just as happy with it as the first day he placed it on my finger. So one side of me is incredibly sad to not wear it. I love it and the marriage it represents. On the other side though it hurts me to know that that chapter of my life is over. Every time I looked at my hand, twirled it around or received a compliment about it........it took my breath away. It caused anxiety. I decided to not wear it one day and a huge weight was lifted from me. Do I miss it? Of course I do. I miss my pre Oct 5 life. But the reality is, I'll never have that back. So, I'm learning that I have to do what is best for me and my healing. For now, it's not on my hand and I have to be okay with that.

Tonight I changed my Facebook status to "widowed." I sat and stared at that for quite some time. It felt really weird and wrong. It's one thing to say it and live it but to see it written is another. I had a friend warn me that the first time she had to check "widowed" on a form that it really hurt her. In some ways I think maybe I was trying to deal with that before I found myself in a public situation where I'm forced to check that box.

All of these situations make me feel that others will judge me. Even though I haven't done anything wrong, I continue to question if these moves were made too soon? Again, there isn't a handbook to refer to. I feel like I'm walking in a pitch black room with my hands stretched out in front of me. I'm feeling my way around and have no idea what is up ahead. I do know that God is the light I'm seeking and I pray that decisions made will glorify Him in some way. I need to remind myself of that when I'm hard on myself or start to feel that others judge me. In the end, His opinion is the only one that matters.

Grief

Hard to believe it's already mid November. On one side I'm thankful that the fall and holiday season are passing by so fast but then I realize that this basically is like wishing my life away. Not exactly.....just kind of wish I could click my heals and be in January. The anticipation to next week is beginning to build for me. His birthday is next Tuesday and then Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Jason always loved Thanksgiving and all the food. Our family has decided to do something different this year. I think we plan to do the brunch at Gaylord and then walk through the ICE exhibit. Not a single person can imagine sitting at his mom's house and feeling the void. So, we are choosing to do something new.

I went to my first counseling session last Thursday. I really like her. She lost her husband about 15 years ago so understands much of what I feel. Her boys were older though (20 and 22, I think ) so she did mention that I don't have the luxury to grieve full time like she did that first year. I think kids are a huge blessing in times like this even though she's right- some days I'd love nothing more than to just stay in bed for the next 2 months. She asked me a lot of questions about Jason's death and focused a lot on the 24 hours surrounding it. Those are hard memories to share. The exact reason I haven't documented that on here yet. I am going again this Thursday. I can't really say that I'm excited about it but I do think I'll feel better after I've been going for a while. I tend to keep things inside and this will force me to talk and dig deep.

I got a sweet letter from a family member today. She was married to my great uncle and once he passed away, we sort of lost touch. We reconnected a while back on Facebook so she learned of Jason's death right away. She sent me a touching letter- basically describing so much of what I'm feeling. Even though his death was not unexpected and happened a little later in life (she was 53) she still managed to put into words much of how I feel. She pointed out that once everyone returns to normal life that it's then that the real grieving starts. It's the full realization that you will never hear their voice, see their face or feel their presence. While I feel that reality is already setting in with me, she does mention that God gives us the gift of "shock" so that we are able to function the first weeks after the death. Has the shock worn off yet? I think so but how do I know? Will I suddenly get slapped in the face with the harsh reality sometime later down the road? I pray not.

It's weird how it's often the little unexpected things that cause a flood of emotion in me. The other day, I made a quick trip to the grocery store. I was in the coffee section and decided to buy the smaller can of coffee since it's just me now. Can't explain why that hurt me but I immediately started crying. I have that happen often and it comes without warning.

The boys continue to do fairly well......with the exception of just being more emotional. They sometimes go a day or so without mentioning him and I'm still so unsure of how to handle that. Tonight, they were especially missing his presence since both of them mentioned him at bed time. It was hard to fight back the tears myself since I'm also feeling the void this evening.

Today was a beautiful day so I decided to go for a walk. I listened to my ipod and made several laps around the neighborhood. The fresh air was good for me. While walking, I realized that I kept focus mostly on the ground. I've kind of inherited this habit the last 6 weeks. Mostly to avoid eye contact but also to avoid witnessing life around me. Selfishly, I will admit that seeing others continue to move forward hurts me, even though I know it's normal. Seeing families and dad's with their kids crushes my heart. While walking today, I thought about a saying I read the other day: You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down. It hit me that I just might miss out on the good if I continue to look down. I finished my walk looking up and finding things to be thankful for all around me. Some days those blessings are easier to find and other days I have to search for them. Grief is a crazy thing but I'm trying to get better at looking up.

A day of hope

This morning is the first morning that I've started reading. I was given a book- The One Year Book of Hope- by a sweet friend shortly after Jason died. I mentioned that I've been given some great resources on grief but the whole idea of sitting down and trying to make sense of my pain just seemed to overwhelm me. I've struggled to see past myself and my grief these last 5 weeks and the idea that some book could help me come to terms with my pain seemed ridiculous to me. Today it felt right. I scanned the book choices and decided on this one for now. Will I read them all? Yes. But for today, I start here.

Let my cry come right into your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word. Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise. Let praise cascade off my lips; after all, you've taught me the truth about life! And let your promises ring from my tongue; every order you've given is right. Put your hand out and steady me since I've chosen to live by your counsel. I'm homesick, God, for your salvation; I love it when you show yourself! Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well, use your decrees to put iron in my soul. And should I wander off like a lost sheep - seek me! I'll recognize the sound of your voice. - Psalm 119: 169-176 (the message)

Honestly, I think the title of the book is what drew me in. A book about hope. I will tell you friends that hope is one thing I didn't have those first few weeks. I was so devastated by the sudden loss that I'm not sure I even wanted it. I would often lay in bed at night and just pray that somehow, God would come and take the boys and me.....in a flash, just like he took Jason. I didn't want to be here alone, on this Earth raising these boys by myself. Unfortunately, I don't think that's God's will for my life. For some reason that I still don't understand, I was meant to continue this journey on Earth without him. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Is it frustrating? Of course. But thankfully over the last several days God has started planting seeds of hope in my heart. Even though this was not in my plan, it has always been in His.

"I weep with grief; encourage me by your words. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws."

Nov 4

I have people tell me a lot that I'm strong. Not really sure how to respond to that. I even sort of laugh to myself and think "boy, they don't see some of my hard moments." I definitely have times that Satan tries to get inside my head and put doubt and fear in there. It's a battle. Ongoing. He's always there but it seems that he strikes harder when he knows you are down. He wants to create bitterness, anger, never ending sadness...... I won't allow it. I can't allow it.

A friend from church sent me a small cross that was given to her when her husband died. It sits on my nightstand and every night it goes into the palm of my hand as I pray. Sometimes I feel like I pray for the same things. I often feel that I don't even have the words or know what to ask. Sometimes I just pray that God can listen to my heart and know what I need. I recently read a quote from Mother Teresa that said: I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. I think about this quote quite a bit and I know that God knew that somehow I could handle this. I question that every single day- can I handle this? But God knows that I can or he wouldn't have included that in my plan.

The other morning, Hudson was in his room getting dressed for school. I overheard him singing "I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul......." It was really sweet and happened to be just what I needed at that moment. Quite often, little things like that happen to me- I'll get a text from a friend at just the right time, someone will say just the words when my heart needs to hear it, or I'll get a sweet hug or I love you from one of the boys. I cherish those little gifts.

Yesterday, I got rid of Jason's car. On one hand, I've kind of gotten used to it just sitting here. But I mentioned the other day that there have been a few times that I've rounded the corner and for a split second thought he was home. I thought it would be harder for me than it was to let it go. Maybe there was a part of me that was relieved to have it gone. One less reminder that he's not here.

On Wednesday, I got my hair cut. I have been growing it out for some time now in order to donate it to Locks of Love. It was a bittersweet day..... Jason would often ask me how much longer I needed to let it grow and he'd get the measuring tape out and measure it for me. I am sad that he wasn't here to see me but I felt that he was with me and was proud of me that day. It's crazy short- actually shorter than I was hoping it would be but I've been losing a lot of hair this past month so I really needed to go ahead and do it. In the end, it's just hair and it will grow back.

Today I miss little things like hearing the garage door open, seeing 2 towels hanging on the shower, and getting a phone call from him at lunch to just quickly tell me he loves me. Simple things that I took for granted. But today I am thankful for all the love I've been given this last month. I said very early on that Jason had no idea how much he was loved. Fortunately, now I do know how much I'm loved. I have been loved on more this last month that I'd ever dream possible. It has blown me away at just how blessed I am with amazing friends and family.