Weekly Menu and Stuff

We have a very busy week.....Thursday the boys and I have the Warm Place and Friday night, sweet boy and I are going to see Wicked.  So, I'm keeping it pretty simple this time.

Monday:
Honey Mustard Baked Chicken
Parmesan Garlic Orzo
Steamed Veggies

Tuesday:
Crockpot Pulled Pork Sliders
Ranch Style Beans
Sun Chips

Wednesday:
Tacos.  Nothing fancy.  Lean ground turkey meat, lettuce, cheese, tortillas, etc......

Thursday:
Leftovers for sweet boy.  The boys and I will probably pick something up after karate and on our way to WP.

Friday:
Whatever Grammy wants to make....breakfast burritos, etc.... Or maybe she will order pizza?

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The chores are still going great!  I feel that the house is more manageable and I also feel that they are limiting themselves on Xbox and their itouches.  I love hearing them talk about "saving" for special things they want.  I ordered this a few days ago and am excited to get it in.  I definitely feel the boys need some help when it comes to etiquette........especially table manners.

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Meet our newest addition:

We picked Betty up on Friday night.  I love her!  What I think I love more is having my garage door opener back.  Ha!!

I'm Mad

As I sat on the couch in my counselor's office this week....I found myself tongue tied and unable to answer a simple question:  Are you mad at Jason for dying?

Wow, you would think that would be a simple "no."  But I couldn't just say it.  I found myself dancing around the answer and finally I just stopped and stared at her.  Then she asked a similar question: Are you mad at God because Jason died?  The tears started pouring.

After digging a little deeper I realized that I am mad.  And I'm not giving myself permission to do so.  She pointed out that often Christians are uneasy about feeling mad.  Like we might disappoint God if we are.  But  I was reminded that God is bigger than that and he understands.  I've tried so hard this last year and a half to be strong and resist the anger.  I don't want to find myself with a bitter heart but I also know that anger is a natural part of the process and I HAVE to let myself go there.  One part of me thinks it's crazy to blame or be mad at Jason for dying.  He didn't ask or want to die.  I know he didn't want to leave us.  But the other part of me is still pissed that he did.  In a crazy way, I feel abandoned.  I'm mad and jealous that he's in heaven.....and I'm left behind.  There, I said it.  I'm mad.

There is a little bit of freedom that comes with saying those words.....but I still found myself trying to justify those feelings to her.  I don't know why I criticize myself for feeling that way.  She pointed out that I am very hard on myself.  And I am.  But I'm not sure how to change it.

I told her that I feel that others think I should be over the grief.  I mean, it's been 18 months and I am remarried.  Shouldn't I be okay now?  Not a single person has said that to me or even eluded to that but there is this constant whisper in my ear that others think this.  It's crazy, I know.  Why do I feel this and where does it come from?  I do think being remarried plays a big role in this.  I think that being emotionally "ready" to remarry might send a message to people that my grief chapter is over.  But it's not.  If I was still the lonely widow would I feel this pressure?

I want to be very clear- I do not regret getting remarried.  She even asked me that.  I don't.  I love Shawn and am very happy.  But that doesn't erase or replace or remove my thoughts or feelings or dreams that I had with Jason. And that would be true in 1 year or 20 years from now.

So what's the answer?  I have no idea.  I just know that I have to allow myself to feel mad.....and hurt.......and process these emotions without worrying if I'm upsetting God or others around me.  I can't be strong every minute of the day and that is so much easier to say than do.

Updates

So just a little update on the chores........

These boys are cracking me up!  They are so excited to do them.  They wake up and immediately go to their boards.  They come home from school and immediately start going through the chore cards.  It's wonderful.

The realist in me knows that this won't last forever so I'm enjoying it while it lasts!

 Completing their reading time.

 Cooper set the table with napkins and forks. We need to work on placement of these....but it's a start :)

 Getting homework done.

 Hudson sweeping the kitchen floor

Knocking them out one by one.

I already feel so much better about all this.  In just a couple of days, I feel a big weight lifted off me.  I'm no longer running around like a crazy lady doing everything.  This is exactly how it should be.

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We are on the tail end of the car issue.  Shawn spent almost all of last Saturday negotiating prices and ordering my car.  It should be ready for us to pick up Friday night.  Perfect timing because I pick the check up from the State Farm agent tomorrow and the warranty refund check is on it's way.  I'll be so glad when all these loose ends get tied up.  I'm really tired of talking about it :/

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There really isn't much new to report.  I feel like the last 2 weeks have been consumed with therapy at the chiropractor, my counseling session, and messing with the car stuff.  My neck is starting to feel a little better but I can tell it will be a long/steady road.  I'm so ready to get my old boring life back.  Ha!

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Today, Hudson finished the last STAAR test of the year.  Oh, I know that everyone that lives in Texas and is either a teacher or has a child taking it is glad it's over.  I hate so much how the state puts all this pressure on everyone.  Such a huge mistake if you ask me!

So, so ready for summer!!

Accountable Kids and Allowance

A few years ago, I was feeling a little overwhelmed with my boys in the discipline department.  I felt outnumbered and that I didn't have much control at times.  I searched high and low and stumbled on this system to help with positive parenting.  I ordered the Basic Startup Package and then just ordered an add-on set for Cooper.  This system takes some time and organization on mom's part....but I will say this worked WONDERS for them!  We used this system for quite a while and then a little before summer 2011, I sort of slacked off.  We got out of the habit of doing it.

When Jason died, I had zero energy (or even desire) to use this system. I was doing everything I could to just keep my head above water and over time the boys have gotten extremely relaxed in their desire to do things around the house (without being asked fifty times) and have come to somewhat expect things.  I've known for quite some time that things are a bit out of control and that I really need to start using this again.

I just spent some time tonight redoing their boards......adding some extra jobs to their list....and making sure they are doing enough to justify their weekly allowance.  I won't go into a ton of detail about the program but I will say that it's amazing........and it really teaches children that in order to have privileges (watching TV, playing video games, etc...) that they have certain jobs they must do because they are a part of the family.  Unfortunately, I have fallen into the "I will do it all...do everything for everyone" routine and this girl is tired.

For now, the boys will each earn $9 per week for completing all their chores.  Then, we will use a money system like this  or like the one Hudson has.  It's great because it teaches them to save and also help others.  They will put $3 into each section....they can use $3 immediately to spend, use $3 to save up for something (or can combine both of these for something bigger), and then $3 to share/help.  What I did in the past was have them take $1 each week to church from this section and keep the remaining $2 inside.  Then, as things come up or during Christmas time you can have your child take all this money and adopt an angel from the angel tree.  There are lots of ways to involve your child in helping others.  It makes a bigger impact if they are using THEIR money to help others.

I know this will take patience, time and some energy on my part but I'm excited to start again and gain back some control.  I'll let you know next Sunday how our first week went!

RIP Vanna

Rest in peace, sweet Vanna.

(this isn't actually my car because I realized that I never took one pre-accident)

I got a call today that she is totaled.  Huge bummer.

Actually, I have mixed feelings about this news.  On one hand I am thankful that I won't have to drive a car that will always be considered "wrecked."  I know that really hurts the resale value and you run the risk of having constant issues down the road. (not always but it can happen)  On the other hand, this really makes me sad.  You see......Vanna represents a season in my life.  She was my first big girl purchase.  I bought her on my own.....after Jason and before Shawn.  I got her all by myself......mommy and daddy didn't have to cosign for me. Buying her made me feel like a grown up.  I had her just shy of one year and I loved her every day that I had her.  She really is my dream car!

I've always been in the habit of naming my cars.  It's dorky, I know.  But it goes back all the way to my high school days.  Anyone else out there name theirs?  Vanna (for Vanna White, of course) seemed like the perfect name for her.

Now we have the pleasure of dealing with insurance and claims and finding another Vanna (yes, I want another just like her), negotiating prices and all that fun stuff.  I'm so so thankful that the girl had insurance with a reputable company and I pray that this transition goes smoothly.  I have no idea yet how this all works......what they will give me for her......what will the difference be between what they give me and what a new one costs......will my extended warranty that I bought easily transfer to a new one?  All those questions that I don't have answers to right now.

I feel like a broken record but I still remain so thankful for God's protection that night!

Half Menu

Half-Weekly Menu

So I'm including my dinner plans for Monday-Wednesday because Thursday night the boys and I have our grief session and Friday night I am hanging with the girls.  My brain couldn't stretch as far as the weekend so I only managed to plan and purchase for 3 days worth of meals.  

Monday:

A friend of mine suggested this recipe to me on Facebook.  We just finished it up and it was good.  It's sort of similar to another meal I make (which I need to post the recipes for because it's crazy good)  This recipe is much easier and more simple than mine (mine tends to lean towards a Chipotle style) so this recipe was great for those days when you need to toss something into the crockpot and come home to dinner ready.

Tuesday:

Is there anything that the Pioneer Woman makes that doesn't taste good? I don't think so.  That's why I'm making this one.

Wednesday:

Loved this one so much from a few weeks ago that I decided to make it again.

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So a little update on the car and me:

My car was towed late Thursday evening to the body shop that is going to do the repairs. They are currently taking it apart to assess the damage and should be calling me tomorrow to tell me the estimated cost and time frame for when it should be completed.  I have talked to the insurance company and everything is taken care of there so hopefully we are moving in the right direction!  So, so ready to get my car back.

I went to the chiro last Wed and had xrays and a full workup done.  I went back last Friday to hear the results. I won't bore you with all the details but the skinny on that is that he wants me to come in 3 times per week for the next TEN WEEKS for rehab, decompression, adjustments, etc.....I was there an hour and  a half yesterday so this "therapy" is really like a part time job.  Good grief.  But I will not complain because I can already tell a huge difference. I still hurt but not nearly as bad as last week (hence the reason for all my bad mood posts last week. Sorry!)  I decided to head back to preschool today.....and was pretty useless because I was very sore and stiff necked......so tonight I plan to ice my neck/back and try to take it easy.  Even just the simple bending, crouching, and sitting proved to take its toll.  I hope and pray that once these 10 weeks are over that I can't tell I was ever injured.

I had someone ask me about my counseling sessions.  I was scheduled to go last Wednesday but had to cancel that morning because the chiro was able to get me in that afternoon....almost the same time as my session.  I was in so much pain that this was top priority for me.  The counselor didn't have anything that worked with my schedule until this Wednesday so I'm heading there tomorrow and hopefully will be able to go once a week like I originally planned.  I am so ready to get that going!!

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I have so many thoughts on the Boston Marathon attack but I feel that my words don't do it justice.  Evil, evil, evil.  Satan is working hard.  I was thinking about this last night before bed and thanked God for his promises.  I can't tell you how ready I am for His return!

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Today, I pinned this Chicken Lo Mein recipe as a recipe I want to try soon. I love Chinese Food but I don't always love the way I feel after I eat it (msg and all the other "stuff" inside)

I also pinned this outfit:

because I recently purchased a chevron skirt (mine is a tad above the knee in length) and I had no idea what I would wear with it.

Have you pinned anything good lately?

Friday

The police report for the accident was finally posted yesterday.  The police officer decided to not complete it before his 4 days off began.  How thoughtful of him. (insert sarcasm) Again, I wouldn't have had any beef with it if he had not told us that the report would be finished that night (last Friday) and that there was no need for us to get her information.  Wonder if he realizes he wasted a lot of time and money (car rental for 5 extra days, daily tow yard expenses) for this poor girls insurance company?  Oh well, just thankful that the ball is finally rolling.

I spoke with my insurance company yesterday......giving them all my info, info from the report and answering lots of questions.  My car was towed to the repair shop last night.  I got a call from them today saying that I needed to swing by and sign a few papers and that I would have the chance to get anything I needed from it. It was really weird to open the car and look inside.  Airbags hanging out.  My seat belt stretched so hard that it was literally just hanging there.  My iced tea cup still in the cup holder.  Cooper's "good student" card from his karate class laying on the floorboard under his seat.  It took me back to that night and I felt my heart start to race.  Thank you Jesus that no one was hurt worse than they were.

I had my second appointment with my chiro today.  Love him already.  His plan is for me to do a series of rehab treatments, adjustments, decompressions, etc....for the next 10 weeks.  Basically I will go 3 times per week and see if I can get this body somewhat back to the way it was.  I'm pretty jacked right now.  When I stand still......facing straight ahead......my left shoulder is about 1-2 inches higher than my right.  It's super gross.  My xrays showed that my spine curvature is waaaaay off.  It's protruding forward in a not-so healthy way.  I have lots of muscle weakening in the neck area as well.  I stayed about an hour and a half today and I can say that I already have more range of motion in my neck then I did a few days ago.  Am I still in pain?  Yes.  But I don't feel like I want to pull my hair out from hurting so bad.  I don't feel great but at least I can somewhat concentrate now.  This morning, I smarted off and made a jab at sweet boy before he left for work......(don't worry....we have a very playful relationship)   He smiled and told me that he can tell I'm starting to feel better.  This entire week I have been down, quiet, hurting, very serious, etc.....  He knows that when I'm back to my ornery self that things are starting to look up!

So this has pretty much been my view all week:

Pretty glamorous life, huh?

I'm ready to get out of this bed and enjoy this pretty weather we are having.  This weekend is going to be gorgeous!

Hope you have a wonderful weekend!

Crockpot Lasagna

I have a love-hate relationship with my crockpot.  I love the concept.......but I sometimes hate the way meals turn out.  Maybe I'm just really picky but I've tried my fair share of recipes that created so-so meals.  Anyone else feel that sometimes it tastes really crockpoty?  Is that even a word?

I do have a few tried and true recipes that I will make in the crockpot...and the crockpot lasagna is always a family favorite.  It's super easy to make and it freezes well if you have leftovers.  That's a win-win in my book!

You will need:

1 pound ground mild Italian sausage (or use hot if you want it to have a kick)

1 yellow onion, chopped

45 oz tomato sauce

2 teaspoons dried basil

1 teaspoon dried oregano

1 teaspoon Italian seasoning

salt and pepper to taste

1-3/4 cups ricotta cheese

1/2 cup Parmesan cheese, grated

2 cups shredded Mozzarella cheese

16 lasagna noodles, uncooked (can use wheat or regular)

 Pour all 3 cheeses together in a mixing bowl.  I let it sit for a few minutes (before stirring) while I start the other steps.  I find it mixes better when it's not straight out of the refrigerator.

 In a large skillet, cook sausage and onion over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until onion is tender and sausage is no longer pink, 6-8 minutes.  Drain.

Stir in tomato sauce, basil, oregano, Italian seasoning and salt/pepper.

 Spoon one-forth of the meat mixture into the bottom of the slow cooker.

 Top with part of the noodles.

 Now you can mix all the cheeses together.  Then, I use my spatula to divide the cheese mixture into 2 equal parts.  Spread half of the cheese and then another one-fourth meat mixture.  Top with more noodles, remaining cheese mixture, and one-fourth of meat mixture.  Top with remaining noodles and remaining sausage mixture.

 A little trick I discovered is if I dip my spatula into the hot meat mixture and then spread the cheese.....the cheese spreads much easier.

 When transferring the meat mixture, I use a measuring cup to easily pour into the crockpot and then use the bottom as the "spreader."

 Cover and cook on low until noodles are tender, 4-6 hours.  * Cooking time will vary depending on your crockpot

Here are the basic steps again:

* brown meat and onion

*  add tomato sauce and dry spices

* mix 3 cheeses together and divide into 2 equal parts

* Spoon 1/4 of meat mixture into bottom of crockpot

*  Top with noodles

*  Spread half of cheese mixture

*  1/4 meat mixture

*  More noodles

*  Remaining cheese mixture

*  1/4 meat mixture

* More noodles

*  Remaining meat mixture

Serve with homemade garlic knots or easy french bread.

Do you have a favorite crockpot meal that I should try?

Car Updates and Eating Plans

Want to hear something really frustrating?  I still don't have any info on the insurance from the girl that turned in front of me on Friday night.  Right as we were about to leave the scene, I asked my friend to get the insurance of the other girl.  My friend asked the police officer if we should get that from her and he said no.....all that info will be in the police report that I file tonight.  So we left that night thinking we would have quick access to all her info.  I figured I wouldn't be able to do much over the weekend.......considering it was the weekend and everything was closed. No biggie.  I didn't feel like messing with much anyways (even though sweet boy would have definitely taken care of that if we had the info and places were open)  I kept checking the website for our report.  I had no idea but basically the officer writes the report and then that report gets posted to the city website.  You go on, pay $6 to print off a copy and you then have all the info you need.  The only problem.....and the main thing that the officer failed to tell us......is that it could take 3-5 business days for it to post.  So, my wreck was Friday and it's now Wednesday and the report is STILL not posted and I am not a single step closer to getting my car looked at or fixed.  It's just sitting in the tow yard.....which really irks me.  A huge, huge lesson learned for me: NEVER walk away from an accident without personally getting their insurance info.  I have no doubt that it will work out and get fixed.  It's just hard to be patient when I'm ready to know the status of the car and work towards getting it back.  My rental car is fine but it's not mine.  You know that feeling.  The biggest inconvenience is that my garage door was programmed into my Sequoia and I don't have the actual "remote" anymore.  So every time I leave the house I have to pull the car out of the garage, get out, use the keypad to close the garage and get back in.  I do the same when I come home each time.  Not the end of the world.....but it does stink on days like today when it's raining and especially since I don't feel well.

More frustrating than the car though is that I think I'm hurt.  I was hurting pretty bad over the weekend but I honestly felt it was the normal feelings you have from being in a wreck.  My entire torso was stiff and achy but as the days have gone on most of that is starting to disappear.  On Monday, I noticed that the right side of my neck was really sore.  Ever since then it has gotten worse. Yesterday, I took some strong pain meds and a muscle relaxer last night and those just barely took the edge off of the pain.  It makes me want to cry because it's effecting everything.  My house is a mess, laundry needs to be done, groceries need to be bought......and none of those things are easy on the body.  Lifting, bending, squatting.......it all kills my neck right now.  I'm hoping to get in today to see someone and get some relief.  Ugh, who has time for this?

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I've had a few people ask me what my plans are for losing 15 pounds by June.  (I mentioned this in a previous post)  I will more than likely do a post just on this topic but in a nutshell I am trying to follow the same eating plan that we used when we did our cleanse.....but just tweaked a little.  Monday-Friday I am getting just fruits, vegetables, and protein.  No carbs, no sugar, etc.....  Then on the weekend I allow myself to "cheat" and then start back at it on Monday.  You will definitely lose weight by doing this.  It's a slow and steady loss....basically you can expect to lose 1-2 pounds a week.  I have roughly 8 weeks until the boys are out of school and summer officially starts for us (aka swim suit season) I should have those 15 pounds off by then just by following this eating routine.  I will go into more detail about that soon......things to avoid, things to eat, etc...  I've done this successfully before so I know it works.  It's really more of a lifestyle change instead of a "diet."

How to Make a Smoothie

I have people all the time ask me how to make a smoothie.  I don't think there is really a wrong way to make one.  You just need to play around until you find combinations that you enjoy.

Every morning, while I am making breakfast and packing lunches for the boys, I start getting a breakfast smoothie ready for sweet boy.  I put everything inside and once he is ready, he comes into the kitchen and blends it all up and takes it with him on his drive to work.  

I don't typically measure my ingredients because I use what I have on hand and that can change from time to time.  Once you have made several, you will start to get an idea of how much you need in order to make a certain amount.  I usually make Shawn's pretty big because he has a long drive to work and this will carry him if he happens to have a later lunch.

In my opinion, the blender itself is a crucial element.  I'm certainly not saying that you have to have one of these in order to make a great smoothie.....but I do know that you will not enjoy it if you are swallowing chunks of carrot either.  Before getting one for myself, I had a very simple blender that I got way back in the day when Jason and I first got married.  It never seemed to fully blend the ice or larger vegetables.

I always start with a big handful of organic baby spinach leaves.  People will sometimes look at me and say, "ewww, I hate spinach.  That sounds gross."  You would be surprised that you really can't taste the spinach at all.  So make sure you add a good amount of it to your smoothie because it's really good for you!

 Next, you can add a banana.  For smaller smoothies (or if you don't want as much of a banana taste) you can freeze or refrigerate the other half and save it for the next day.

 Then, I add a big handful of organic carrots.  Sometimes I have baby carrots and sometimes I have the larger ones.  I just rinse them off and toss them in.  Again, you can't taste the carrots.  If anything, it just adds a little sweetness to it.

 This is where my ingredients change from time to time. If I have fresh fruit on hand......I will use that and then just add 4-5 cubes of ice.  If not, I always have frozen fruit in my freezer.  When using frozen, I don't need to add any extra ice.  Here, I have about 1/2 cup of frozen berries.

 Here is a cup of frozen fruit- mango, pineapple, strawberries, grapes...

 I try to add some kale when I have it.  I will caution you- if you are new to smoothies or even kale for that matter, please use it sparingly.  Kale to me has a very bitter taste.  I can't stand the taste but it's crazy good for you.  There have been times when I have ruined an entire smoothie because I put too much in.  So, do yourself a favor and use a small amount or gradually get yourself accustomed to it.  If not, then be prepared to drink a smoothie that tastes like grass clippings.

 I add a scoop of vanilla protein powder.  It adds a little vanilla flavor to it but also adds some extra protein to keep you satisfied.  I get mine at our local Sprouts.

 To help the smoothie not be so thick, I add either a little bit of filtered water or unsweetened almond milk. I don't usually measure it but I would say about 1/4 cup should do the trick.

 Sweet boy likes to use local honey to help with allergies.  So, I add a little squirt in there for him.  I also like to add a spoonful of flaxseed meal to it (I'm currently out of it) to add in some of the Omega-3's.

Blend it up real good and you have yourself a healthy meal or snack.  Super easy!

An Accident

On Friday night I planned to meet several friends up at preschool because we had some work to do on our student Me Books.  We make a fun scrapbook for each student....basically we take pictures throughout the year and document all the neat things we did in class.  The end of the school year is quickly approaching and my coteacher and I still had a lot of work to do on them.  I needed to be there around 6:00 and I knew that Shawn would not be home by then.  I coordinated for our babysitter to come and hang out with the boys while I was gone.  Because she was available all night, I told Shawn to use this night to hang out with friends or just go do something for himself.  He decided to go spend the evening after work with his parents.

I finished working on the books around 10pm.  I had not eaten dinner before I left the house but had snacked on a few veggies that our director had brought for us.  As I was walking to my car, I decided that I would just go a block down the road to Boston Market to get some soup from the drive thru and take it home.  I made my way towards the restaurant and as soon as I came to the major intersection that I needed to pass through in order to turn into Boston Market, another car turned in front of me.  I was going east and she was going west and she had just gotten into the turn lane.  We both had a green light but she should have yielded to me.  I plowed right into her.

If you have ever been in a car accident then you understand that on one hand, that moment happens very fast.  On the other hand, you see it all happening in slow motion.  That's how it was for me anyways.  I remember going through the light and seeing this car and thinking "surely this person is NOT turning right in front of me."  I put both of my feet on the brakes and pushed down as hard as I could.  My anti-lock brakes took over and I tried my best to stop.  I grabbed the steering wheel and clenched every muscle in my body in order to brace myself for the hit.  Sure enough, we crashed and my airbags deployed all around me.  Why did I not know that there is a smoky gun powdery residue inside the airbags?  I had no idea what this was.  It was burning my eyes and for a minute I thought the engine was leaking something into my car.

Those few seconds before we hit, I remember thinking to myself "God.....you can NOT let me die."  My boys need me.  They have already been through enough and I am not sure they would recover from something like that......especially so close to Jason's death.

Almost immediately after my car came to a stop, a nurse (that happened to see it all) opened my door and started asking me questions and looking me over.  The airbag from the steering wheel had popped me pretty hard in the chest.  I told her that my chest was hurting and that my legs were hurting (from the lower airbags around the knee/shin area) so she started looking for injuries.  Just like that, I pulled my shirt up (my apologies to this sweet lady that I flashed.....pretty sure she got more than she bargained for that night) so she could check it out.  I was disoriented and scared and relieved........all in one.  I realized that I didn't have any life threatening injuries and that I would be fine.  I quickly called Shawn to let him know and to tell him to head home to relieve the babysitter and stay with the boys.  I was escorted onto the grass where the EMT came and checked my blood pressure and vitals.  They asked me if I wanted to go to the hospital but I said no.  I could tell my back and neck were hurting but I really felt it was because I had tensed up during the hit. I called my coteacher.......who happened to still be in the preschool parking lot (I left about 5 min or so before her) and she and another teacher headed my way.  They were so sweet to sit with me and help me out with getting my insurance card and helping me clear my car out.  Both cars were towed away.  After the police officer asked me some questions, we were allowed to leave.  My friend, Kristi, drove me home.

I have been really sore all weekend.  Saturday, I stayed in bed all day.  I am so thankful that the only bruise I have on my entire body is this one on my shin:

It's about a baseball sized knot/bruise.  I am pretty sure this is where one of the airbags popped me.  Other than my entire body being sore from being knocked around, I am good.

My car is a mess.......the entire front is jacked.  The inside driver's side area is messed up from the airbags.

But, it's just a car.  I said that from the moment this happened.  It's a material thing.  Yes, it's going to be a huge pain to work through claims and insurance and getting a rental car and being without it for a couple of weeks but at the end of the day, it's just a car.  

I am thankful for SOOOO many things:

1.  The boys (or Shawn) were not with me

2.  I was not seriously hurt and neither were the teenagers in the other car

3.  I have good insurance.  I'm hoping this other girl does too but if not, I'll still be taken care of.  In the end, my car will get fixed.

4.  Thankful for sweet friends that called or texted to check in on me.

We all say it and we all know it's true but this is just another little reminder that life can change in an instant.  One thing that gives me a HUGE amount of peace is that I know where my eternal home is.  Even though I don't want to die yet and feel that there are still things here on Earth that I need to do, I know without a doubt that my final destination is heaven.  I hope you feel the same!  If not, feel free to email me.  I would love to talk with you.

Have a blessed day!

18 Months and Therapy Update

It dawned on me the other day that it's been a while since I've dreaded the 5th of every month.  I no longer live by "I've survived ______ Wednesdays without Jason."  I don't count in days or even weeks anymore.  I guess this is just another example of how far I've come and how much stronger I am.  In those first few months, every single hour seemed like a victory.  That is a miserable and sad way to exist.  I'm thankful to at least be past that stage.

Today marks 18 months.  Wow.  I no longer feel that it feels like just yesterday.  It seems like a hundred years since I've seen him or touched him.  The last 18 months has aged me 18 years in lots of ways.  I look in the mirror and see more wrinkles and dark circles and know that this stress has not been so generous to me physically or emotionally.  The weight of this loss is clearly evident.

It's discouraging to realize that 18 months.......which is a very short amount of time in the big picture of life........is just a small glimpse of what the rest of my life looks like without Jason.  If 18 months seems like an eternity, how will I feel in 10 years?  Or more?

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I wanted to give an update on my session from Monday.  Several of you have asked.  Thank you.

It went really well.  I can tell already that I really like her and feel very comfortable.  I spent most of this first session basically just giving her all the background history on what's been going on the last 18 months.  My story isn't simple so it took quite a bit of time.  Obviously there are things we didn't even think to discuss but I know it will come with time.  

Towards the end of our time.......I asked her what her thoughts were on me and my situation.  From the hour she talked with me, what were her thoughts on my "condition."  She said she did feel I was mildly depressed......but rightfully so.  She made sure to let me know that everything I am feeling is justified.  She said she felt that there are some big fear issues that are leading lots of decisions and moves that I make in my life currently.  Again, rightfully so.  She said that when you lose someone young and so suddenly, it's normal to be scared that you might lose others you love in your life.  She said that she felt I was doing a lot of things right but that obviously there are still some big grief issues to work through.  She encouraged me to start walking 3 times a week.  Nothing too strenuous.  Just to get the endorphins going.

I asked her why I am just now really feeling this pain?  Of course, my heart has hurt this entire time but why so hard right now?  She said that more than likely it's because I'm a caretaker and I've spent the last 18 months making sure everyone else was okay.  Making sure the boys are okay.  Keeping schedules in place.  Doing homework and juggling school and after school activities.  Getting excited about a new relationship, dating, being engaged, getting married......  Now that I know everyone else is okay, the bottom is falling out on ME.  I can finally let myself feel the full pain because I see that everyone else is doing good.  That made perfect sense to me.  Even though I hate it's happening it does give me a great understanding of why now and that I'm not going "backwards" in my grief.

She addressed one of my concerns.......about missing the "old me" and she said that unfortunately that person is gone.  I will never be the same.  She said I will take big chunks of that person with me but overall, I'm changed.  It made perfect sense when I heard her say it......but it's a hard reality to swallow.  It's heartbreaking and frustrating to accept it.  I don't want to but I have no choice. I know for sure that this will be a process.  One day I hope to feel peace with this new me.

As I was driving away from her office.......I felt 20 pounds lighter.  It's crazy how burdened and heavy I feel. It's almost like I've carried a backpack all this time......tossing in "stones of grief" as things have hurt me or made me sad.  Hearing the boys cry....toss in a stone.  Celebrating a holiday or birthday without Jason......toss in a stone.  All those events over the last 18 months and that backpack weights a ton.  Monday I was able to set a few stones down on her table. I still have a lot that I carry but I hope to hand them over one by one.

One of the last things I told her when I left that day was that my hope is to continue to find joy despite this loss.  I feel that I've done a pretty decent job but most days I've had to be intentional about it.  Some days it's really hard to find it.  I look forward to the day when joy just naturally comes on it's own, without having to search for it.

"The best way to rid of the pain is to feel the pain.  And when you feel the pain and go beyond it, you'll see there's a very intense love that is wanting to awaken itself."

Deepak Chopra

The Grave

We took the boys to the cemetery for the first time on Sunday.

For those of you that don't know the full story, here it is in a nutshell.  Jason and I talked about each of us being cremated a year or so before he died. However, I thought that meant when we were 80 and had lived a nice, long life.  When he died suddenly, I didn't think twice about having him cremated but I also didn't think through how that would hurt the boys.  You see, my oldest analyzes everything.  I knew there was no way his precious little 8 year old heart and mind could comprehend that.  I just knew it was too much for him at that moment.  So I decided to not tell him about the cremation part.  He asked a few questions at the beginning and I was able to give some general answers without going into too much detail and without lying to him.  Months went on and neither of them really asked about the actual grave.  In June of 2012, I was scheduled to take a healing trip to Jackson Hole.....where I planned to spend some time in the same place that Jason and I fell in love.  I was going to spread his ashes on a hike in the Grand Tetons....one of Jason's favorite places.  A week or so before my trip, the boys started asking more about the grave site and when we would pass a cemetery they would ask if their daddy was buried there.  I could tell the dust was starting to settle and they were getting curious.  The day before my trip, I contacted a cemetery and decided to have half of Jason's ashes buried.....so that it looked like a traditional burial site.  It is also a place that family and friends can visit if they feel the need to do so.

It took a couple of months to have the headstone made and the spot created so by this time is was probably September.  We were in full swing with school, thinking about getting married, Cooper excited about Disney, the holidays rolled around and the boys didn't mention it again.  I decided to wait until they asked about going.  March was busy with birthdays.....so a week or so ago they came out and said "can we go see where dad is buried?"  I think that enough time had passed and they were ready for that step.  

The entire drive to the cemetery I prayed that God would allow me to be strong in front of them.  I have been a few times by myself but seeing their reactions and hearing the questions from them made me nervous that I would not be able to keep it together.  It was a really pretty day.....which I think helped with our overall moods.  Surprisingly, they did well.  They asked a few questions and I was able to stay strong while we talked.  On the walk back to the car I began to feel the weight of the situation and my eyes began to fill with tears.  No one should have to do this with their kids.  Ever.  It just seemed so unfair.

 We all piled into the car.  I had my head down as the boys buckled in and placed their headsets over their ears and started watching their movie.  I noticed that the car wasn't moving so I glanced over at Shawn and saw his head down and huge tears streaming down his cheeks.  I think the weight of the situation was finally hitting him too. (this was also his first time there)  I asked him if he wanted to walk back and spend some time there by himself.  He nodded his head and got back out of the car.

I can't really explain all the thoughts and emotions that came with this situation.  Watching my sweet husband crying at the grave of my first.  Two men that I love with everything I have in me.  Two men that loved each other like a brother.  I remember thanking God for both of them and asking that our hearts continue to heal from this huge loss.  We both miss him in such a huge way.

Although it was hard and sad for me.......I can honestly say it was a good day.  Good because it took the "mystery" out of the situation for the boys.  Good because I felt a big weight lifted off my shoulders.  Good because God is good all the time, in every situation.