Happy Easter!

Decorating eggs with Grammy

 Ready for church

 If you have a child at your house that LOVES Minecraft as much as my boys do then you will understand what a big deal this gift was.  I have been trying to get a Lego Minecraft kit for the boys since last fall.  They sold out everywhere and the only place I could find them was on Ebay and Amazon.....selling for $75-$100 from individuals.  I was hoping for Christmas but no luck.  I was hoping for their birthdays but no luck.  About 2 weeks ago, Amazon had them back in stock for about half of a day.  I was able to snatch one up for the boys for the regular price of about $32 each.  They were thrilled!

Sharing some egg with Rudy.  This dog LOVES boiled eggs.  Any time I make them for my salad he goes nuts when I start to crack the shell and cut it up.  So he was crying and whining after I boiled them so that the boys would decorate them.  I decided to crack one for him and he ate it up so fast.  Crazy dog!

Hope everyone has a blessed Easter!!

Easter Egg Hunt

Last year for Easter, Shawn bought a big chocolate bunny for each of the boys.  They were so excited and Hudson exclaimed........"we've never had a chocolate bunny before."  Shawn looked at me like I was a crazy lady.  Yes, it was true.  My boys had never had one.  So this year Shawn decided that he needed to continue the tradition.  I mean, do you think he could have gotten one any bigger? :)

 Playing Easter bunny and hiding the eggs

Getting the kids lined up (while they have their eyes closed) so we can say "ready, set, go!"

Such a fun day!

Karate

 Look who started Karate this week:

 The boys have been asking off and on for a while now.  I've got some friends who send their kids and they recommended a good place for us to try out.  We did a free class on Monday to see if they would like it and they have been asking me every day about it since.  It was so funny to watch them and hear them say "yes sir" or "no sir."  Wonder if that will carry over into life here at home? :/

After the class, the instructor gave them their uniforms.....well, Hudson got his but he was out of Cooper's size.  Hudson's face was precious as he walked over to me in his uniform.......so proud and excited.  Sweet Cooper had his head down because he was sad he didn't get one but it gave him something to look forward to today.

Probably their least favorite position....ha!

Look forward to seeing all they learn from it.

I still can't believe that Easter is this weekend.  And where did the month of March go?  Wow!

I want to thank everyone for their sweet comments and suggestions about my post the other day.  I'm happy to say that I have a therapy session scheduled for Monday afternoon. I am so excited to talk and unload on someone that will not be affected by what I say.  I won't feel the need to hold back or protect....I can be real about what I feel.  And I am going to stick with it and go for as long as I need it.  So ready to feel whole again!!

Emotionally Eating

I have never been an emotional eater.  In fact, I haven't struggled with weight really unless you count the extra 10 or so pounds I've carried off and on over the years since having kids.  And I blame that on pregnancy and entering into my 30's. :)  I have never been hugely overweight or dangerously heavy.

The last couple of months....I have been eating out of control and I can't figure out why.  I don't mean just stuffing my face at my local Mexican restaurant. I mean raiding the pantry multiple times a day.......eating 2-3 things right after another......when I'm not even hungry.  Say what?

For the first time ever, I feel that I'm emotionally eating.  Which is weird because right after Jason died, I dropped 20 pounds in about 4-5 weeks and nothing sounded good for a long, long time. Over the last year and a half, I have slowly added most of those pounds back on.  I call those my "happy pounds."

I feel like crap.  I wake up feeling sluggish and I have headaches.  I'm eating foods that I KNOW are bad.  I'm eating stuff I won't let my boys even consider eating.  I know it's junk.  But many days, I don't really care.  I've stopped running too.

Today I sat and tried to think about why I'm doing this?  Is it a control thing?  What am I gaining by doing this?  I guess I'm getting some sort of satisfaction right after I eat or I wouldn't keep doing it.  But, I certainly don't like how I look or feel right now.

I could see that this could easily turn into a bad habit.....resulting in some pretty bad outcomes.  Anyone else out there struggle with this?  What have you done to stop?

It sounds like an easy fix:  Just stop.  But, it's not quite that easy.  Again, it's NOT about the food.  Obviously, I've got some deep rooted issues causing me to react this way.  I'm just not sure how to change it.  This is brand new territory for me.

The crazy thing is that I'm normally a really healthy eater.  I have always enjoyed cooking, I buy lots and lots of organic/natural products, and I don't eat out a ton.  My mind knows all the "whys" and "why nots" when it comes to eating or avoiding certain foods.  So, it's not like I need to be educated on this topic.

It really boils down to self control.  And desire.  And motivation.  I seem to be majorly lacking in all 3 right now.  But the bottom line is that I need to get a grip and take some control back.  I'm working on a plan to dig myself out of this pit.......lose at least 15 pounds by June......and find some substitutions instead of eating when I find myself feeling down.

Last Lessons

 I think I mentioned that the boys started music lessons at the beginning of February......Cooper taking piano and Hudson taking guitar.  My sweet friend, Jeremy, gives lessons in both.  He and his family are moving next month so today was our last session with him.  We will sure miss them!  (the boys are starting at a new place next week)

 I wanted to get a final picture of Jeremy and the boys.

Jeremy is a very good friend.  Jason and I met Jeremy and Holly several years ago at church (even though Jeremy and I remembered each other from our ACU days) and  we eventually ended up in small group together.  Jeremy reminds me of Jason in some ways......we would always talk about how they are/were both super frugal and they would often compare stories on how "cheap" they could be.  Right after Jason died, Jeremy was an amazing source of comfort to me.  He coordinated a house cleaning company to clean my house every 2 weeks and he would call me weekly to see what he could do for me.  I will forever feel so grateful for the love they showed me during that time.  

I know the Lord has amazing things planned for this family!

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So I try not to do laundry on the weekends because I want to use this time to spend with my family.  Mondays are usually my laundry, pick up around the house, grocery shopping, drop clothes off at the dry cleaners kind of day.  Yesterday, I started doing some laundry and realized that my washer was not spinning the water out of the clothes.  I tried several times (even on the spin only cycle) but wasn't having much luck.  I went on about my day and came back several hours later and it finally started working.  I'm afraid it might be going out........not really wanting to replace them right now so praying they will last at least until we move in the next year or so. 

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Saw this today and was thankful for the reminder.

Date Night

Sweet boy and I had our monthly date last night. At the beginning of the month, he opened our date card and we picked a Saturday that worked for our schedule.

 I bought a gift card to Piranha Killer Sushi in Fort Worth.  Shawn LOVES sushi so I decided to include a nice sushi dinner into one of our dates.  He is really working on me......wanting me to "learn to love" it.  I did better than I did the first time (in Bora) so I guess that's progress!

Next, we went to the 4 Day Weekend show.  We've never been to a comedy club together and it's been years since we have individually gone so I thought it would be something fun to do.  We had a great time and lots of laughs for sure!

About to head out.....sweet boy not thrilled that my crazy tall wedges make me almost as tall as him.

(don't mind the hairy legs!)

I do agree that they are tall......but I love them.  I've been looking for a fun black wedge that didn't have a cork heel (I have a nice pair of those but I wanted a non-cork wedge for those non-summer times)

So thankful for a kid-free night and so blessed to have an awesome babysitter that lives 2 doors down that the boys LOVE.

Can't wait until our date next month!

Learning to Feel

Some days I wish it were possible for everyone to get inside my head....just for a brief minute......to understand how I feel and how Jason's death has changed me.  I have a hard time putting these feelings into words and even when I do, I feel they are not adequate.  How do you fully explain to people who have not experienced such tragedy just how life altering it really is?  You can't.

I was telling a friend the other day that I feel like an alien in my own body.  I have days when I feel fairly close to my old self and then there are days when everything I think and feel is completely foreign to the old Jennifer.  The scary part for me is that I have no idea if I will ever be the same again.  What am I saying.........of course I will never be the same again. I can't ever be the same again. That is a hard reality to swallow.

A big part of me feels hollow.  Yes, I am blessed so much to have 2 healthy boys and an amazing husband that loves me.  Some might feel that I don't appreciate my life.  I do.  I really do.  But so much of my happiness, security, dreams, and future were sucked out of me the day Jason died.  I'm trying to move forward and count my blessings every day and find joy in all of it........but a huge huge part of my blessings and joy came from him.  No matter how happy I am or how loved I feel there will always be a huge vacancy in my heart and in my life.

Probably one of the most frustrating changes is how I feel about things in my life.  I'm talking pure emotions. Before losing Jason, I had the ability to experience all emotions to the fullest.  If something made me happy then I was SOOO happy.  If something made me mad then I was able to really be upset.  If I heard a sad story or felt sad then I was able to completely feel heavy-hearted.  Post death I feel desensitized, dull, and muffled.

It's hard for me to really get excited about stuff.  Things that at one time would make me jump out of my skin with excitement are just okay now.  Oh, this is so annoying!  This makes life less enjoyable and fun for me. When I hear of a tragic event or a heart breaking story....I feel some initial sadness but I find that I am calloused in lots of ways.  This is not me.  How do I change this?  Can I ever change this?

I lack motivation is such a huge way.  Things that inspired me or stimulated me.....are now just okay.  I feel very even keeled.  But not in a good way.  I will have ideas or desires to do certain things and then my motivation runs out about as fast as it started.  I'm scared that I will look back in 10 years and regret not doing certain things or enjoying and feeling life to the fullest.  But I honestly have no idea how to not feel this way.  How can you make yourself whole again when the other half of your identity is gone?

I'm not looking for real answers here.  I'm just talking out loud.  Just sharing the very questions I ask God all the time.  Lately, my prayer has been that He would just fill me up and allow me to fully feel again.  

A friend told me this week that this is more than likely a defense mechanism.  Protecting my heart.  I can't really get hurt if I don't get that excited about stuff.  Makes sense.  But what a crappy way to live your life.  I don't want that to be my life.

I wonder if learning to completely feel again is similar to people who get injured and have to learn to walk all over again.  Maybe it's just taking baby steps and accepting the fact that it's a process and I won't wake up tomorrow and just flawlessly "walk" across the room.  It will take time, and practice, and patience, and more time.  Obviously God is trying to teach me something here.  

Facetime

Some of you might remember me mentioning a guy friend that lost his wife 12 days before Jason died. I didn't know Gabe in real life.....but lots of people messaged me his blog address and told me to read it.  In the beginning, he was one of the very few young people that I knew that had lost a spouse.  We would message each other from time to time....mostly to check in but also to help me realize that what I was feeling and experiencing was normal.

At the end of 2011, he messaged me about a girl he met that had lost her husband in a car accident in November.  He wanted me to touch base with her and offer her some sort of support in the event she needed another girl/mom to talk to that was walking in similar shoes.  Since then, Lindsey and I have kept up via Facebook and the occasional email.  I have cried for her and prayed for her as she has made her way through this difficult grief journey.

A couple of weeks ago, she contacted me and wanted to meet for lunch.  We live about 2.5 hours apart and we both have young kids.....but we managed to make it work yesterday.  We met for lunch in Burleson and had a great time catching up!  She is a precious, precious soul and I wish we lived closer.  It was so incredibly comfortable talking with her......we seemed to just understand and "get" what the other was saying.    While we both agree that we are incredibly blessed......we also talked about how this walk is the hardest thing we have ever been faced with.  I am so thankful I finally got to have face time with her.  I was truly blessed by our time together!

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Cooper came home with this little activity from school.

This made me laugh because this boy loves his food!  And apparently he loves me because I make food for him.  The way to this boy's heart is through his tummy! (and a hug!)  I'll start praying right now that his wife loves to cook.

Then #2 made me sad.  

"I love my dad because he tickled me and Hudson and he loves me."

Tickled.  That's past tense.  Ugh!

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Saw this on Pinterest yesterday.  Can I get an Amen?  Anyone else out there certain you are jacking your kids up?

Wedding Album

For the last few days I have been trying to post pictures from my wedding album.  I have NO idea why I've had issues.  I would choose the pictures, import them into blogger like I normally do......and the pictures would all be turning weird directions (even though it looked right before importing them)  I would spend quite a bit of time trying to make this work and then it would mess up.  Each time, I would just have to get up and walk away....or I just might throw my computer across the room lose it.  I've retaken the pictures a few times too just to get a fresh start but that still hasn't completely fixed the issue.  So, this is the best I could do.  There are still a couple of pictures turned sideways.  Just do a girl a favor and cock your head to the side so we can call it a day!

 The cover of the book.  Love, love, love this picture.  The quality of this album is awesome.  The pages are a thick board.  Almost like the board books you read to kids.

 I mentioned that we got married at a pretty garden area in Southlake.

 Every time Shawn looks at this picture, he starts humming the tune to the Adams Family.  I happen to like it though....except now I can't look at it without hearing that song.  Little stinker!

 I wanted a neat way to document the date so when I stumbled on a similar picture.....I knew this was how I wanted to capture it.  I love that it shows our rings, the date, and also the city. (so technically we don't live in Dallas but it's part of the Dallas metroplex)

 During the ceremony

 Sweet boy kissing me on the forehead.  This was not planned but just shows how happy and thankful he was.

 I can't remember what was said during the ceremony that was so funny but something made us laugh.  Love his smile.

 With some of my family- my sister and her husband and my mom and step dad.

 Part of Shawn's family

 With Shawn's parent's and his good friend, Curt.

 It's official

So irritated that I can't get all these to look right.  Maybe I can go back in a few days to try it again.

Have a blessed day!