Sometimes I come here to write and nothing comes. The words are not there. I figure that most people probably feel I should be over this by now. But I'm not. I feel like a broken record at times. How many different ways can you say "this sucks?"
I get messages from people every now and then and they thank me for still writing. They tell me that my words help them and that they too are not "over it." What they don't realize is that this helps me more than they know because sometimes I feel very alone in this journey. I feel misunderstood at times. Not intentionally but the reality is: people who haven't experienced this loss just don't understand.
I remember the first session or two of counseling that I went to after Jason died (it was about 6 weeks after his death) the counselor told me that at some point, I will be able to talk about Jason with only fond memories. I will smile when I reflect on his life and there will be no tears. I'm still waiting for that. Don't get me wrong....I talk about him often without crying. But there are still lots of tears and lots of longing to see him still. Most of that happens during my alone time.
Over the last almost 3 years I have learned to put a smile on. I can say with confidence that time has not healed my heart....it has only allowed me time to improve my "I've got it all together" act. It can be exhausting.
I want to encourage you today if you have experienced a loss.....whether it be a parent, a child, a spouse, or a friend....don't let others tell you when you should be over it. I'm convinced this is a lifelong journey of creating balance in my life.....allowing my heart to grieve Jason while I embrace the moment that I am in. I still don't have it perfected. I'm trying.