Random Blessings

I've been so blessed and loved on and taken care of these last 16 months by a crazy amount of people.  If I really stop and think about all the ways I've been touched....it literally brings me to tears.  I thank God all the time for placing sweet, compassionate people in my life.  

Not long after Jason died, I had a girl that he went to high school with contact me on Facebook.  We became "friends" and from time to time she will send me a private message with encouraging words.  She has prayed for me, encouraged me, and complimented me through her sweet messages.  While she and I have never physically met in person...we have kept in touch via Facebook.  

Last week, she left a family gift on my porch (we did coordinate this and she came late at night....hence the reason she left it for me instead of handing it to me in person)  I opened and read a very sweet note from her basically telling me how happy she is that I am moving forward with life and for finding Shawn.  Then I opened another envelope to find this:

Gift cards to Great Wolf Lodge.....enough to cover a free night for our family.  

I was blown away by her generosity.  Did I mention that she hasn't even met me yet?  Wow, talk about a huge heart!

Today, I was out running errands all day and came home to a big box on my porch.  Inside, I found this:

A monogrammed pillow from a sweet friend!  Out of the blue.  For no reason at all.  And they came at a great time because I've been struggling the last few weeks and these put a big smile on my face.

The other day, I was just thinking about how I have very few things with my new last name or initials for our house. I'm having to start completely over with this kind of stuff.

I find myself 16 months later.....still being blessed by some amazing people.  This continues to be such an example to me and it makes me want to do for others as well.  Thank you!!

Feeling Happy for Others

A good friend of mine lost her mom unexpectedly when we were in college.  After the funeral and once the dust started to settle we all found ourselves somewhat walking on eggshells around her.  We intentionally tried to avoid talking about our moms because we didn't want to hurt her.  I remember one day she told us that she never wanted us to not talk about our moms just because she lost hers.  I know that must have been very hard for her but it's something that always stood out to me.  She just wanted everyone to act normal around her.

I didn't fully understand that 15 years ago but I completely get it now.  I never ever want people to feel they can't talk about their husbands or about how great of a daddy he is to the kids.  In fact, right after Jason died it was pretty obvious that people were specifically not talking about certain things around me and that seemed to feel more awkward than if they just had.  I get it though.  It's really hard to be on that side.

Last Sunday, one of my good friends baptized his son.  These are friends that Jason and I went to church with.  We had been in small group for years with.  Our boys are the same ages and we have spent many birthdays, play dates and weekends with.  We met at the church at 2:00 and it was a very special time for our friends.  I already felt a little sensitive because I was back in our home church......the church that Jason and I attended for 10 years and the one that I have not been able to regularly attend since his death (Shawn and I now go somewhere else together)  It felt a little weird being there.  Of course I was thrilled for our friends.  But the tears immediately began to pour and I couldn't stop them.  I was embarrassed and mad at myself for letting my emotions get the best of me.  I tried to look down and pull myself together but it was hard.  The reality that Jason will never be here to baptize our boys or even witness it was like a knife to my heart.  It sucks.  I was frustrated at myself because a few of my close friends came to talk with me and I hate that I put them in the position to have to comfort me.  This moment was not about me and I certainly didn't want to take an ounce of attention off the real reason we were there.  I was and am genuinely happy for them.......but I was just super sad for the boys and me.

Last week a friend put her wedding picture on Facebook and mentioned that they were celebrating their anniversary.  I'm not going to lie: it stings to see that.  Not specifically her but just the fact that I'm starting all the way back over.....and without him.  Jason and I would be celebrating 13 years this June and we always talked about how neat it was going to be to make 50.  With our ages it's a good probability that Shawn and I will never see 50 years together (even though God is completely in control of that and if he chooses to let us live to 92 and 86 then I guess we will!) I immediately clicked "like" under her picture because I am genuinely happy for her....but just super sad for me.

There has and will probably always continue to be situations like this for me.  I refuse to let my sadness and grief cloud my ability to find joy for others.  I'm beyond thrilled when good things happen to those I love.  But it's normal for me to feel that sting in these situations.  Just another example of life being bittersweet for me!

Friday Favorites

1.  Barbara's Snackimals....chocolate chip

Not a huge fan of sweets in the house but these are so stinkin' addicting.  I get them at the Kroger by my house..in their natural/organic section.  Super hard to eat just a few!

2.  The Middle

LOVE this show........so funny!  Must watch.

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Confession: I only did the first 2 this week and then this morning I realized I had not finished.  So, I went around and took pics of things around my house or searched for pictures on my camera that I had not yet posted.....hence the reason this list is super lame.

3.  This note that I discovered when we were taking the Christmas tree down.  Apparently, Hudson felt the need to caution us from opening our gifts too early.

4.  This sweet picture of the boys with their aunts......they are all getting so big!

5.  Date night this past weekend with this cute boy!

6.  A new favorite picture from our wedding that sits on my nightstand.  I think our wedding album should be ready soon.  Can't wait to see it!

7.  This framed wall plaque that my sweet friend/coworker gave me on the year anniversary of Jason's death.  Love, love, love this verse!

8.  While this thing is NOT my favorite......so proud of myself that I've been on it 5 out of the last 6 days.

9.  Random flowers from sweet boy.  Yep, he calls it his "flowers of the month"....because he really does bring me flowers at least once a month and has since the moment we started dating.  Love him!

Happy Friday!!  

Running

I really hate running.  Seriously.....hate. to. run.

So a friend of mine from preschool asked several of us if we wanted to run a 5K with her in April.  And this sort of goes along with #6 on my bucket list.  So I couldn't really say no, could I?

I messaged her and told her that I would need an accountability partner.  As in...she just might have to treat me like a child and check in on me often or I just might flake out on her.

But I've surprised myself.  I've been on the treadmill 3 out of the last 4 days.  I know it's nothing huge but it's a start!  I still hate running though.

A few things I've learned the last few days:

*  Once I finish, I'm really glad I did it

*  I'm way more out of shape then I realized

*  April is right around the corner (gasp)

*  Running has been a big stress release for me

I have found that at the end of my jog/brisk walk combo (don't judge.....I am working my way there.....no way in the world I could just jump on and run 3 miles like that.....thank goodness for the Couch to 5K app) that I was crying like a baby.  My thoughts have fully been on Jason, on that specific day, and all the emotions with that that I've managed to neatly tuck away.  During my cool down time I was literally bawling.  And it felt great.

Maybe this running thing isn't so bad after all.

Seasons of Life

As a newlywed in my early twenties, I was surrounded by lots of friends that were also newly married.  We were able to spend time together as couples and learn/grow from each other.  We were able to share stories or situations with each other as we adjusted from being single to married.....and it was really nice to have friends that were in the same season of life as me.

As a new mom in my mid to late twenties, I had a huge group of friends that were also experiencing mommy hood for the first time.  What a lifesaver it was to have friends to talk with as our babies went through different stages.   Bouncing ideas off each other or just checking in to make sure that what our kids were doing was completely normal was such a blessing.  

Once our firstborn children started big kid school......how awesome to have friends that also had kids entering kindergarten.  We were able to cry together and once again share issues or stories or moments of joy with each other.  Looking back, I feel that I have been completely surrounded by awesome friends that were also experiencing a similar season in life.

Unfortunately, I'm in a season where I have zero friends that can relate to me.  Of course they can be supportive and help me in huge ways......praying for me, physically blessing me, empathizing for me.......but none of them fully relate to my situation.  I don't have anyone to call that understands my pain.  Of course I have connected with a few other young widows since Jason died but none of them are my closest friends.  How I long to have someone in my circle that just "gets" what I'm feeling.  Don't get me wrong.....I do not wish this life on anyone and I certainly hope and pray that none of my good friends lose their spouse.  I guess I'm just saying that I often feel all alone...like an island...when it comes to my grief.  Now that I'm remarried, there is a whole new dimension to my grief: learning to love and start over while a huge part of your heart is broken.  That is hard and complicated and I long to have a good friend that understands when my grief creeps in and makes it hard to feel happiness.

"You know what I long for, Lord;
    you hear my every sigh."

Psalm 38:9

In a Funk

Earlier this week, I was really struggling.  I found myself in a funk.......mad at God for letting Jason die.  This funk pretty much effected my entire attitude and this spilled over in just about every area of my life. I was lots of fun to be around (huge sarcasm inserted here)

One night I was putting Cooper to bed and I laid down with him and started to talk.  At one point, he mentioned something about a bear statue that used to be in his room.  He got really quiet and then said "that bear reminds me of daddy."  I see so much of myself in Cooper.....in his lack of desire to really spill his heart and soul out.  He is reserved in his grief, much like his mama.  He covered his eyes with his hands and he said short little phrases...."I miss daddy playing with me"......."will I ever get to see him again?"....... We talked some about death and heaven.  Then with his eyes still covered he quietly said "well, I guess we better get some sleep."  That was his polite way of saying that he no longer wanted to talk about it.  I laid there and stroked his arm....trying not to just explode from holding back my tears.  Ugh....this whole thing is so unfair.  But then again, who said it ever would be?

I'm trying to put my finger on why I'm feeling this way......what is triggering the sadness, the madness, the frustration?  For the past several days, we have been busy getting my name officially changed, new drivers license, new SS card, name changed on banking accounts, adding each other to banking accounts, etc....  I feel like such a huge part of my identity is gone.  I hate change.  Mad at myself because I should be so very excited about all of this.  Don't get me wrong...a big part of me is.  Another part just hates how this all came to be.

I despise these moments and the feelings that come along with it.  I want to fully enjoy life and my blessings but it seems that grief always sweeps in and taints it in some way.  I know that this is just a "moment" and that it will soon pass.  I already feel much better today than I did earlier this week.

Friday Favorites

1.  Rico Salad from Mi Cocina

If you have a Mi Cocina near you, I highly recommend their Rico Salad.  It's so yummy!  Grilled chicken breast on a bed of fresh greens with avocado. (I leave off the cheese) And the Chile-Garlic vinaigrette dressing is awesome too.  We ate there this week.....it's somewhat "cleanse" approved and we told our waiter no chips.   I was super satisfied afterwards.

2.  Ice Cream Maker

I have no idea why I'm thinking about ice cream.....considering it lightly snowed here earlier this week and we are also in the midst of our 21 day cleanse.  Well, that might be why I'm thinking about ice cream...you usually crave what you know you can't have. :)  I don't have this exact maker but I have a similar one. You just can't beat homemade ice cream!!  Come on summer.

3.  My monogram initial pendant necklace

(this isn't actually my necklace but it's similar) These monogram necklaces are all the rage these days. I got one and wore it for the first time on our honeymoon.  Kind of fun to sport my new initials!

4.  My Fitness Pal app

I've used this app for a couple of years now.  It's a great way to track your eating and exercise.  You can put a target weight into the program and it will tell you how many calories to eat and how long it will take you to reach your goal.  Best part......it's FREE!

5.  Sweet Potato chips

I love to make homemade sweet potato fries but this little snack is good when you are limited on time.  This Simple Truth brand is awesome......it's free of preservatives, artificial ingredients, etc....

Happy Friday!

Big Changes are a comin'

And no, I'm not pregnant.

The entire time that Shawn and I have been hanging out, he has worked from home.  This has allowed him a great amount of flexibility in spending time with us.  When we were dating, we were able to meet up some during the week while the boys were at school.  We would have lunch and spend time talking and hanging out.  This was huge because as an only parent, you don't get every other weekend "off" in order to foster a relationship.  He had the flexibility to take off early or leave on a Friday if we chose to go somewhere for the weekend.  Once we got married, this allowed us time to get things done around the house (moving him, changing names, etc.....all the business type stuff you must do in order to move) He has been able to take the boys to school on my preschool mornings so that I could sleep in an extra hour.  He has been here when they are home from school and this has allowed us time to bond more as a family.  

Back in the summer, Shawn decided he wanted to really pursue another company.  While he has loved working from home, there are other aspects to this job that he wasn't happy with.  He started looking and interviewing.  He had a few companies that found him on Linked In and he pursued those as well.  In June, he interviewed with a company and realized it was the place he wanted to be.  Time moved on......things came up with the company and for various reasons (nothing to do with him) nothing transpired from it.  All along we have just prayed and Shawn has had a great amount of peace about it all.  He has constantly told me that God knows exactly where he needs to be.  I won't lie......there were some frustrating moments for him along the way but looking back we can see that God knew the perfect timing for to make a move.  We realize that if he had gotten this job back in the summer.....we might not have been able to take as long of a honeymoon, our Jackson Hole trip wouldn't have happened, and we wouldn't have had all this extra time to spend together.

Shawn starts his new job next Tuesday with the company he interviewed with in June and this means that our weekly lunches are over....our mid week movie dates are over....he will no longer go with me to pick the boys up from school......he won't be here while I'm making dinner.  Life is really about to change for us.

More than likely it will mean late nights, business trips, stress from learning a new job, etc.... but we feel this opportunity is such a huge huge blessing to our family.  Pray for us over the next few weeks as we transition once again to a new schedule.

It's definitely been fun while it lasted.  I'm so thankful for this precious time we have had to spend together.  I know it's unique and once again, God knew the best time to make all this happen.

This is a horrible picture but was taken today....on our last little lunch/movie date day.

Being a smart shopper

I really don't like to pay full price for things.  I almost always try to find things somewhat on sale, for purchase with a coupon, on ebay instead of a department store, etc...

Jason and I didn't have a ton of credit cards. In fact, we just had one and that card allowed us to earn Marriott points.  That card was in his name only so once he died, I obviously closed it up.  For several years, I have had a Discover card that I have used for various business purchases.  I made mommy necklaces for several years and I would always purchase my supplies with it so that I could keep business and personal separate.  Thankfully I still had that card and I decided to go ahead and keep it so that I'd have one for emergencies.  About a year ago, I decided to start putting everything on it so that I could earn the 1% cashback.  It's amazing how much you can earn if you put everything on it (even bills/utilities that will allow you to pay with cc) and then just pay it off at the end of the month.  Every month, my 1% goes into an account and I can then redeem that for cash back, gift cards to stores, or payment on my card.  I always use the money for gift cards for stores.  This is one way I'm able to justify purchasing a few expensive items from time to time that I might not normally buy.

For example, there was a Coach purse I had my eye on at Macys.  It was around $400 and that price was hard for me to swallow.  A couple times a year, Macy's will run a 25% off everything sale (they have sales all the times but most of the times the big fancy brands are excluded) I waited until this sale rolled around and  decided to use my coupon for the purse.  (hello $100 off!)  I also had a $50 gift card that I had saved from either a previous birthday or Christmas.  Then, I redeemed my Discover points for a Macy's gift card and ended up spending about $100 for the purse....which is what most people feel is a decent price for a great quality item.

Another example is Ebay.  While you certainly need to be careful that you don't pay top dollar for "fake" items....you can certainly score some deals on authentic brands if you do your homework.  Back in the fall, I saw these earmuffs in a Dillards catalog that was mailed to my house. I didn't currently own a pair of earmuffs but I knew that we would be taking our trip to Jackson Hole soon.  I really didn't want to shell out $75 for earmuffs so I started looking around.  I found a brand new, tags still attached, authentic (I got the cute black with black sequins in the middle) still in the box set of Ugg earmuffs for much less than that.   

Purchasing items off season is another sure way to score some deals.  Buy a new coat or boots at the end of the season and you are sure to save big bucks.  As long as you can justify those items sitting in your closet untouched until the next season rolls around :)

What money saving tips do you have?

Friday Favorites

1.  Hand Blender

Confession:  I never owned a hand blender before sweet boy and I got together.  I always thought they looked cool but I never bought one.  It's been super helpful lately when making soups and smoothies for our cleanse.  It's definitely easier than pouring hot ingredients into a regular blender!

2.  So Delicious Coconut Milk Creamer

I'm a big fan of coffee.  I really shouldn't be but things run a little smoother around here when I have it!  I don't like my coffee black but I've always been a little bothered by the flavored creamers on the market.  While they can be yummy, they are full of things that are not so yummy.  I was excited to discover this coconut milk creamer.  It's dairy free, GMO free, doesn't contain any artificial flavors or colors.....

3.  Coach Theona Snow Boots

These beauties caught my eye back in the fall but I really didn't want to spend $230 on them.  I found them online on Black Friday and got them for a great price.  In fact, it made them quite a bit cheaper than Ugg boots. (love how that justification somehow makes it all better in my mind?)  They are warm and comfortable and look cute tucked in my skinny jeans.  They will be a staple in my wardrobe for years to come!

4.  Rowenta Iron

We got a BBB gift card as a wedding gift and I decided to splurge on this iron.  If you know me in real life then you know that I iron everything.  You know you are getting old and boring when a new iron is the highlight of your day.

5.  Studio Gear Lip Liner in Sand

Got this a few months ago at Ulta.  Great neutral liner.

Happy Friday!

The Book

I just love the way God works sometimes.  Okay, all the time......but you know those moments when you can really see God's hand at work?

About a month after Jason died, I went to a friend's Holiday vendor show.  There were lots of familiar faces there- friends from college, preschool, church, etc......  I had a girl that came up to me and started talking about how sorry she was for my loss.  She told me that her best friend had died in a car accident the year before and that she had read the book Heaven (by Randy Alcorn) and she explained how great it was and how helpful this book was for her.  Right there, this sweet stranger handed me the book, gave me a hug, and walked away.  I was very touched.

My mom was still staying with us at that time. I took the book home and within the next several weeks, my mom started to read the book.  She was going on and on about how good it was...... so I tried to read it a few times but I found that I would read a single sentence 10 times and I had NO idea what I just read.  My brain ...or maybe my heart...didn't want to take in any information at that time.  I was on autopilot and retaining information was not happening for me.  I told her that I needed to wait.  She took the book home and time went on.......and I sort of forgot about it.

A few days ago (so about 14 months later), I got a strong urge to read a book.  I wanted something meaningful...something that would either inspire me or stretch my faith.  I discovered the Heaven book in my nightstand (I thought my mom still had it but she had returned it a while back) and decided it was time to start.  I was only a few pages in and I was already in awe of it's contents.  This is some good stuff.  I paused after a chapter or two and tried to think back about how I even acquired the book.  Vendor show.  Random girl.  Who gave me the book?  I thought hard about this and I honestly had no idea who gave it to me.  My mind was (and sometime still is) mush and I was bothered because I wanted to thank her again for it and tell her that I was finally starting to read it.  No clue.  I could not remember.

At preschool today.....(I know I'm all over the place but stay with me)....... one of the girls on my team was out sick and she had a sub.  I thought the sub looked familiar but I wasn't sure.  At the end of the day, our two classes were in chapel together and she walked over to me and introduced herself.  She told me that she had met me last year at the vendor show.  And that she had given me the book.  Oh my!  I was so excited and I proceeded to tell her all of this and about how I was loving it!  I told her about how beautiful heaven sounds and how thankful I was that she gave it to me.

She told me that when she left for the vendor show that night, she randomly grabbed this book from her house to use as a prop on her table at the show.  She saw me at the show, heard about my story, noticed the heaven book on her table and just walked over and gave it to me.  It wasn't preplanned.  (even though I fully believe God prompted her to take it that night and give it to me)

As we talked, I discovered that this was her very first day to sub at our preschool.  What are the chances?  I start reading the book 2 days ago?  Praying to remember who gave it to me?  Coworker sick and she subs 2 doors down from me?

I know without a doubt that she and I were meant to meet today.  We got a chance to talk about her friend that died and about Jason and heaven and all that good stuff.  It was really cool.  I love when God works that way!

We're Just a Cleansing......

I've had lots of people ask me about the cleanse that Shawn and I are doing so I thought I'd just write about it here instead of continuing to answer emails or individual questions.

I first want to say that I'm very selective about vitamins/supplements/products that we take.  I don't just assume that just because some big network marketing company promotes wellness products that they are healthy for you.  I have always done my homework and made sure that what we were taking is right for our family.

One of my best friends from college is married to a chiropractor.  They live a very healthy lifestyle and over the years, she and I have shared recipes and made some pretty big lifestyle changes together. It's been really nice having someone that is on the same page because quite honestly....I've felt in the minority  in the past over certain situations.  In fact, they are way healthier/strict than I am.  But that's okay because I've always said that it's okay to take baby steps.  Unfortunately, they live about 3 hours away from me so most of our "sharing" has been done over the phone or text.

Last summer, I was feeling very sluggish.  I knew that there were a ton of variables that contributed to this (grieving, not cooking as much or as healthy as I once did, lack of sleep, etc....) and I wanted to do some sort of detox to revamp my body.  A few years ago, I did this program and had good success but it was very hard and very restrictive.  I wanted to see what else was out there.

My friend told me about this cleanse because it was the one they had both personally done and one they recommended at their practice.  I ordered one for Shawn and myself and we successfully completed it last June.  I detoxed, lost 10 pounds, and felt great afterwards.  We talked about possibly doing this twice a year to clean our systems out.

You can certainly read about it yourself.......but basically you eat fruits and vegetables (no corn or potatoes). On day 10 you can add a little lean chicken or fish.  Sounds pretty easy.......but you quickly see that eating out is NOT an option.  However, Shawn and I did eat the salad bar at Jason's Deli a couple of times last summer with our own dressing in hand.  This cleanse is very doable.  But it's inconvenient.  You have to prepare/make/cook everything yourself.  It does come with a little booklet that includes some recipes and there are a couple soups that I make.  I also make my favorite roasted tomato basil soup (instead of chicken broth I use organic veggie broth)  But there isn't a ton of variety.  Each morning, we make a shake with lots of spinach, carrots and fresh fruits we have on hand.  There are a ton of pills...like 10 pills three times a day. Ugh, this is the hardest part for me!

I'm currently on day 3.  About an hour ago I started sweating profusely.  I can tell that I'm sweating toxins out.  I feel yucky and light headed and irritable.  I looked at sweet boy a bit ago and said "whose bright idea was this?"  But, we remember from last time that the first 4-5 days were the worst.  Caffeine and sugar withdrawals.....no carbs....feeling run down and crazy headed.  But we also remember how good and "light" we started to feel and by the end of the 3 weeks we were really glad we did it.

I would encourage you to do this with a friend or your spouse or a coworker.  It's great to have an accountability partner and someone you can talk with while doing it.  I'm so lucky that I have someone that strives for healthy living and is open to doing things like this with me.

This particular cleanse is a tad pricey.  But I feel you completely get what you paid for.  You can only get this from a chiropractor or some doctor offices.  I would encourage you to read the labels, google ingredients and do your homework with any cleanse you are considering.  There are a ton of  cleanses on the market.  They are not all created equal.  If you are allowed to eat whole wheat pasta or toast......that is NOT a cleanse.  You also want to make sure that you are taking good/whole food supplements to support your liver and other organs while you are making dietary changes.

Hope that helps!  Looking forward to great health in 2013!