Being Sensitive to Others

From the minute Jason died, I have been 100% aware of other people's feelings.  Every decision I've made has been thought through and I have made sure to consider how those decisions would affect others....especially his family, my boys, my family, etc.....  That awareness has brought on quite a bit of pressure for me but overall I feel that things have been handled the best way possible.

As Shawn and I have started to blend our worlds together more recently, I guess I've been reminded that this is still a factor.  Jason and I were so incredibly blessed to have family that we love and are super close with.  We have a group of friends that love us dearly.  With that though comes the realization that these family and friends are also personally mourning Jason.  Obviously they hurt for me but they genuinely miss him for themselves as well.  I've had to somewhat hold back my feelings and excitement because I don't want to hurt anyone in the process.  Not long after Shawn and I started hanging out, my mom told me one day at lunch that it was hard for her to see us together.  This statement was not meant to hurt me (although it kind of did) but it was just her way of saying that this whole thing is difficult.  It's hard to not see Jason with his family.  It's difficult I'm sure when his mom tells me that she is happy for me and wants me to move forward with life. I know she means that the best way she knows how.......but deep inside I know that statement is a hard one to speak.  She is truly happy that Shawn is in our lives but that happiness will always be tainted just a tad with the reminder that Jason is gone.  The other day my sister asked me how I was doing and made a comment like "I know I'm still struggling with him being gone so I can't imagine how you feel."  When close friends ask me how Shawn and I are doing, I am honest and tell them we are great but there is still a part of me that tries to be sensitive.  They honestly want to know and want happiness for me.....but they still personally feel a loss.  As Shawn and I continue to introduce each other to friends, I realize that this is new territory and I'm always aware that I need to be sensitive to other people and their feelings.  I often wonder if this is all normal or if it's like this because of the dynamics with everyone involved?

Sometime people ask me if it's weird for me that Shawn and I are dating.  My answer is yes and no.  When I step back and really allow myself to think about it........yes, it's pretty weird.  I've known Shawn as Jason's roommate, Jason's friend, etc...... and now to see how connected we are and how deep our relationship is.....I think it's bizarre that life turned out this way.  On the other hand, it's not weird at all and feels completely normal and right.  There is just an amazing amount of peace that surrounds this relationship.  We have both sort of waited for the moment when the weirdness kicked in and took over but I can honestly say it never has. 

It is a little weird when I look through my wedding album and see pictures of both of them.  Two amazing men that loved each other and ultimately ended up loving the same girl.  I'm in awe when I think about how God crossed paths, wove hearts together, and has remained faithful all this time.  I've never had a single day where I didn't feel that He was with me.

Weekend in Round Rock

We spent last weekend in Round Rock. One of my good friends from college lives there with her family.  She had a baby a few months ago and I knew we needed to plan a trip down there before school started and schedules got crazy.

Amy (aka: Gim) is another friend that I'm so very blessed to have.  We met in college...we were actually frenemies first but once we connected, we realized we had a lot in common.  Gim is my fun friend.  We are always guaranteed to laugh, to be silly, and there is nothing that is off limits with us.  We can say any and everything to each other.

The boys hanging out with Gim's little boy, Hunter.

We ate dinner at a new place called Reunion Grill.  The food was yummy and they had a large outside area where the kids could run around and play, big playscapes outside and even a live band.  

Relaxing at the hotel

Hudson holding Hadley.  He was a good helper.

We took the boys to Inner Space Caverns.  They were checking out all the crystals at the gift shop.

Gim's mom was in town and she graciously offered to keep all the kids so that the 4 of us could enjoy a quiet dinner together.  Thanks Phyllis!!

Thanks for a fun weekend!

Pride

I'm curled up in bed...in a too quiet house (the boys are with grandparents tonight)....wearing a sweatshirt.  In case you didn't know, it's a toasty 91 degrees here in Texas.  Did I mention that its 11:30pm?  Ugh.  So ready for fall.  But the point of all that is that I'm getting sick.  I'm afraid that I didn't schedule "sick time" into my weekend plans.  Really hoping I can shake this soon.

I have so many thoughts just racing around in my head.  I'm all over the place tonight.  I'm enjoying the peace and quiet and so very thankful to have a mom and mother-in-law that are so great to the boys and allow me some alone time very now and then.  I'm pretty sure they would move in with them if given the chance.

I took the ashes back to the cemetery today for what should hopefully be the last and final time I have to mess with that.  They were buried this afternoon.  I had to "okay" the headstone wording.....which happened to have the wrong layout so this forces me to wait for an email with the corrected format so that I can give them the go ahead to get that made.  Although the reality that Jason is gone and never coming back is fully instilled in my head and heart, it still took my breath away to see his full name and info on that paper.  I stared at it for several seconds before speaking.  Kind of like my brain was trying to process the information and something inside was saying that this is wrong.  It still feels so incredibly wrong at times.  I can't even imagine how I'll feel when I see it in stone for the first time.

Ironically I got a comment/questionnaire from the cemetery a couple of days ago and I'm going back and forth on whether I want to fill it out and send it back.  While the people there were overall very nice and friendly....I will keep my response to a minimum and just say that this is definitely a business......and one where I feel they prey on people's emotions in order to make more money.  It's ridiculous and wrong on every level.  But I'll go ahead and step down off my soap box before I say something I'll regret.

I've mentioned on the blog several times about how people (friends and even strangers) have gone out of their way to help us and bless our family in one way or another.  I'm still blown away when I stop and really think about the generosity and love that was shown to us.  I still have one person that continues to bless us on a monthly basis.  The funny thing is that she doesn't even really know me but for some reason God has put it on her heart to use her gifts and bless our family.  I still struggle with this some and every month I tell her that it's time to stop....but she insists that it's not.

I've actually struggled a bit with this from the very beginning.  I have always said that accepting help (and certainly asking for it) has always been hard for me. God has worked on me though the last several months and has stretched me and allowed me to find a comfortable spot with this.  The other day, it kind of hit me:  Pride.  God whispered to me that I needed to stop being so prideful.  Because that's really what it's all about.  Me wanting to pretend that I'm okay and that I've got it all together so that people won't make a fuss over me.  I will admit that at times it was easier to appear to be okay then to just admit that I wasn't..

During my quiet time I actually came across this very topic and found a quote that I thought was perfect:  Let God use others to assist you as you make your way through your trial.  This shows your maturity and lets God work through the other person.  You both get blessed!


Amen  to that.

Have you blessed anyone lately?

Friends

I really do have the best friends ever. While I have certainly gained new friends over the last 10 months and even gotten closer to friends that had drifted over the years.....I am blessed to have a circle of friends that have been around for a long, long time.  Unfortunately, there are a few friends that are not in this picture but the other day during a girl day out, it really hit me that I'm so crazy lucky to have a handful of girls that know me inside and out....and still love me anyways.

These are a few of my besties from college.  We have 11 kids between us.  We met when we were practically kids ourselves and have walked the road of life for the past 16+ years together.  We have experienced the sudden loss of a mom, a dad, a husband....dating boys, weddings, infertility, miscarriages, becoming moms, and all the other joys and trials that have come our way.  

God knew that I'd need certain people in my life during specific seasons and I'm so thankful that he perfectly picked these girls for me.

I am blessed.

Last Minute Decision

A couple of days before my Jackson Hole trip, I had somewhat of a panic attack about spreading Jason's ashes.  I started to feel uneasy about spreading all of them on this trip.  That seemed so final to me and my heart was conflicted on what to do.  On one side, there was relief that the ashes would no longer reside in my closet.  The other side of me felt that once they were gone.......well, they were gone.

Since Jason's death was sudden, I obviously didn't have time to really think things through......especially with a clear mind.  I was forced to make quick decisions and honestly I can say that most of them were made with little regret on my end.  Even though I knew Jason would be cremated, what I didn't know is that one sweet little boy would need a visual as to where his daddy was laid to rest.

Jason was cremated and at the funeral home I chose several small keepsake urns for the family.  I want to give them to the boys one day because I think and hope it will be something special for them to have.  His parents and sister wanted one too.  Mine sits on my night stand and is a constant reminder that life can literally change in an instant.

A few weeks after Jason died, Hudson started asking questions about where his daddy was buried.  I can't fully remember the exact conversation I had with him because those weeks and months I found myself on autopilot mode.....but I do know that I was able to kind of skate around the question, yet satisfy him for the moment.  Unfortunately, I have known that this is still a question that looms around in his mind. Because the boys don't know he was cremated, I've found myself in a somewhat sticky situation.

A couple of days before I was set to leave I had a very strong urge that I needed to bury some of the ashes. God clearly spoke to me that this would be the answer that my boys were looking for.  While I never dreamed I'd be heading back to a funeral home/cemetery months after his death.......that is exactly where I found myself.  I made an appointment the day before I left town.  This experience took me back to those first few days.  And it was hard.

There was an issue with the ashes.....there was some kind of ID tag that should have been inside the bag that wasn't there. (there was an official paper though from the funeral home that proved the remains were Jason's but there should have been a disk or something inside the actual bag)  Because that disk was missing, they informed me that they would not be able to divide the ashes for me. I was hoping they could divide them up so that I could take half to Jackson Hole and then have the other half to bury.

This caused me to have to contact the original funeral home that I used.  My next stop was to take the ashes back to them so that they could split them up.  Walking back inside was surreal for me.  The lady was very sweet though and handled everything in a very respectful way.  Unfortunately, this felt like the band aide was being ripped off the sore spot.

It will take several weeks (even a couple of months) to get the ashes buried and the headstone made.  My goal is to have it ready by the year anniversary so that the entire family can have a place to go and remember our sweet Jason on that day and for years to come.  For now, this "burial" serves its purpose because in the eyes of the boys, it looks like a traditional grave site.  Mission accomplished.

Taking Hudson to Camp

Yesterday, we took Hudson to his first overnight camp.  The boys have always spent the night with grandparents and done just fine (in fact, even getting upset when we came to pick them up) but this is the first experience for us to have him away from home and away from family.  I chose the Learning to Lead camp at ACU (which is where I went to college) because I absolutely LOVE that place.  It holds such amazing memories for me and I just felt it was the perfect place to have him away from home for the first time.

When we got to Abilene, we met one of my old roommates and her son for lunch.  Jama actually works for ACU and she was so gracious to give us a private campus tour on the golf cart.  The boys loved it and it was a great way to show Hudson the campus.

Do you see the cross?

Love these boys!

With Jama

About to head into the dorms to get him checked in.

All unpacked

Love them.

Can't believe my sweet boy is big enough for camp.  It hit me on the ride there...I felt like it was kindergarten all over again.  But, I just continue to thank God that he trusted me with these precious boys.  I know he's in great hands.

Giving brother goodbye hugs.

Someone did NOT want to leave.  He started crying because he wanted to stay at camp too.  

Feeling Different

I don't really feel that I've adequately described all my experiences in Jackson Hole.  For some reason though, I find that I don't have the emotional energy to sit and write about it.......hence the reason for my lack of blogging lately.  There have been a few times that I've sat and stared at a blank screen- unable to share some of the details.  Not sure why but I guess I'll get to that if/when I'm ready to do it.

I mentioned in an earlier blog that I feel different since coming back from my trip.  I feel peace.  I feel free.  I feel delivered.  And I'm so very thankful for that.

Yesterday was 40 weeks since Jason died.  The only reason I know that is because a while back I had put it in the calendar on my phone.  I recently started going along with everyone else and just counting by the 5th of every month.  I no longer feel that every single day is a battle and one worth recognizing.  Whether I say he's been gone 9 months or 10, the bottom line is that he's gone and I've managed to continue breathing that entire time without him (even when I didn't want to).  That still feels like a pretty big accomplishment.

When I came back from my trip, one major change I forced myself to make was how I react to people when I see them.  Before my trip, I would run into people or meet a friend for lunch and anytime someone asked me how I was doing...it was always a 2 sided answer.  I would start off by explaining how much I miss Jason and how sad the boys and I are that he's gone.  I would then go into the present and share my excitement about my new relationship and tell them about how God's hand was all over that situation.  I would typically end it with words like "it's all very bittersweet."  Because it is.  But I realized that I felt a need to constantly remind people that I'm not done grieving.  I was scared and nervous that if I left that part out then people would assume that I'm fully healed.

The other day, Jason's mom and I were talking about how it's such a fine line when dealing with other people.  I personally want to seem and act happy around others.  But the flip side of that is that you can give off the impression that you are fine, you are over the pain, and that life is going on the same.  However, I don't want to act down and depressed all the time because that isn't good either.  It's almost like I need to wear a sign that says "I'm forever different, I'm forever changed, I still miss him....but I'm forcing myself to go on."  It's a weird place to be in.

When I let Jason go that day in the mountains, I promised myself that I'd stop making excuses for continuing to live.  I told myself that I no longer have to explain myself to anyone.  I can freely and happily share my joy about my future without having to sandwich it between phrases of Jason and my grief.  I might not always say it and going forward there will likely be more posts about LIVING instead of mourning a death...the reality is that I am still sad and that life is still very hard without him.  I just need everyone to know that just because I don't always say it, those feelings are still there.

This is a horrible picture but I love it.  It was taken the night I got back from Jackson Hole.  We went to a favorite place of ours and had a great conversation.  I was able to tell him all about my trip and how I was feeling.  We talked about us and our future and it was great. I am beyond blessed.

Just Pictures

The arches at the square in downtown Jackson Hole.

This slide was so fun!  You rode the ski lift to the top of the mountain and then rode the alpine slide down.

On the lift looking back down.

At the top.  Tetons in the background.

They had these flags on the corners of the street...you would walk across with them and then put them inside the holder on the other corner.  Kind of random but Hannah thought it was fun!

At our resort.  So relaxing!

Our cabins

The moose we found on our hike.  So close!

Our our scenic river float trip

Our guide

In Yellowstone

Old Faithful

Bison stopping traffic.

A bear and her 3 cubs were spotted

Targhee National Forest

Square Ice Cream