Bittersweet

Definitions of bittersweet:  "Bitter and sweet at the same time" or "pleasant but tinged with sadness."  This simple word is the definition of my life right now.  Every single aspect seems to be summarized by it.  Wonder if I'll always feel that my life is bittersweet?


The other day, a good friend of mine asked me how I do it.  She knows that some days are better than others but she was curious about those hard days.....about those sad moments where I find myself broken and in darkness.  What do I do in order to pull myself out of it?


There really isn't a simple answer to that.  Quite honestly, it often depends on the day or even the situation for me.  It's usually a mixture of things that gets me out of the funk.  Obviously, I'm a Christian.  First and foremost, I give God 100% of the credit when it comes to my healing.  I will often pray about a situation or sometimes I just start talking out loud and saying things like "God, please take this from me" or "please mend my heart and give me peace."  At other times, I focus on thankfulness......and the realization that I was blessed beyond measure because I was loved by a wonderful Christian man.  I try not to let myself stay in the "what if or what should have been" mindset because there isn't an ounce of good that comes from residing there.  Some times I remind myself that life could be so much worse.  There are always people and situations that are worse, harder, and/or more heartbreaking than mine.  I remind myself of this often.  

A majority of the time, one or more of these work for me.  Every once in a while, it's hard for me to pull myself out.  And that's okay.  I still give myself permission to have hard moments (moments being the key word here.....I never let myself have days because that allows room for depression) because that's just part of being human.  I'm not perfect, I'm not strong every minute of every day, and I believe it's just the nature of the ugly beast.  Allowing myself to grieve and be sad is still part of the healing process for me.  I'm sure there will always be a part of my heart that has hard moments mixed in with the joy.  That's what I call......bittersweet.

Insecurities

I mentioned the other day that I've changed since Jason died.  His death has created lots of fears and insecurities that I didn't have before.  Don't get me wrong......I'm human like everyone else and I certainly had minor fears and insecurities before all this happened.  But I also had a loving and supportive husband that loved me exactly as I was.  I never felt pressure to look a certain way, weigh a certain amount, carry myself a certain way........nope, he loved me for me.  In fact, I would often be the one that was hard on myself.  I'd say things like "if I could only lose these last 10 pounds....." or "sure would be nice to be a size 4 again."  He would sincerely look at me and tell me that I was beautiful just the way I was.  He would encourage me by saying "you have had 2 kids and are in your 30's and I think you look great......"  And he meant it.  Plus, the physical changes had happened over time.  We were both really thin and fit when we got married and through the years, he watched my belly expand as I carried his babies and he loved me even more because of that.

After Jason died, I remember thinking "who is going to ever want me?  I've been married and I have 2 kids and on top of that- my body shows it."  For some crazy reason, this was a big insecurity for me.  Instead of looking at my boys as an added bonus, I viewed the fact that I have kids as "baggage".......not because my boys are baggage but because I am a package deal now.  The last time I dated, it was just me.  I only had to think about me and my feelings and the other person only had to fall in love with me.  Dating while being a single parent is completely different.  It's complex and scary.

When feelings first started happening, I questioned Shawn about why he would want to date me.  I told him that he deserved someone that had never been married and someone without kids so that he could experience those things for the first time with someone.  It's hard to explain but for the first time in a really long time....I felt undeserving of love because of my situation.  Not only did Shawn ease my mind about any insecurities I might have, he went above and beyond by showing me and telling me that the boys and I are what he's been waiting for.  He loves the boys not only because he loves me, but also because he loves Jason and they are a part of both of us.  It has certainly taken time, but I'm realizing that the boys and I have been the missing puzzle piece for him.

I know that these fears and insecurities are from the enemy.  God certainly doesn't want me to feel this way.  I pray about this quite often- that I can move forward and feel loved and deserving.  Life is short and I can't allow myself to fall into this trap of feeling insecure or unworthy.  For the most part, I'm in a better place with this.  But I'm keeping it real and will admit that every once in a while, I still struggle with this.  The reason I mention this is because I think this is a common issue among women.......not feeling worthy or allowing Satan to get inside their head and tell them they are less than what they really are.  Don't buy into it.  God makes no mistakes and he made every single one of us.

Road Trip

This weekend I had the pleasure of getting away.......without kids.  This doesn't happen very often and it was a much needed break for me.  Shawn and I were wanting to take a road trip somewhere and he planned the best  getaway weekend for us in Arkansas.  He's good like that.   :)

We left early Friday morning and set our sights on the Ouachita Mountains.  The drive was nice- we took our time, stopped for lunch, listened to music and had some good conversations along the way. Once there, we checked into our mountainside cabin and then took a nice scenic drive near town.  We had reservations at a wonderful Italian restaurant in town....which had great food and a relaxing outside eating area.  Saturday was spent 4 wheeling through the back woods of Arkansas.  We saw some amazing scenery.  It was beautiful and peaceful.

All throughout the weekend, I kept thinking about how lucky I am.  I often question why God has blessed me so abundantly?  I know that many people never find a wonderful, Christian companion.  I knew I was blessed to have Jason and now I feel equally as blessed to have Shawn.  Some people never even find this once and I've found it twice.  Sometimes I just don't feel deserving.

When I think about Shawn, I can't help but think about I Corinthians 13 :


Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.


because


Shawn is patient, Shawn is kind.  He is not envious, he does not boast, he is not proud or rude...he is not self seeking or easily angered.  He keeps no records of wrongs.  He protects me, trusts me ........


He is the real deal and a true example of love.  God's plan is always perfect (even when it might not make sense to us at times) and I can honestly say that He knew exactly what he was doing when he brought us together.  

Coulda Shoulda Woulda

I'm human.  I have tiny regrets.  Nothing life shattering or so big that it keeps me awake at night but I do look back and wish I had done more of this, a little less of that, etc....  I often wonder if I had known that Jason was going to die- would I have done things differently?  I think the obvious answer is yes but I'm also thankful that we were able to just live life up until the very end and not have that fear hovering over us all the time.  When I'm at The Warm Place, I hear others share that their spouse suffered and died from cancer, some committed suicide, another a drug overdose.......and I force myself to feel thankful that Jason was happy and healthy up until noon on Oct 4.  That is a blessing in itself.
 
When someone close to you dies, there is a change that takes place.  I am forever different because I lost my husband.  Not in a bad way...but just altered in many areas.  I believe that we all try to learn and grow from the experience.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am without him.

Over the last several months, I've had people ask me questions about how to handle this or how to respond to that.  I hate that I'm a "go to" person when it comes to this topic but in some ways it's comforting that I can share my honest feelings with others as they try to help family/friends that experience a similar tragedy.  So here are some things that come to mind when I think about things I wish I had done (or not done):

• take lots of pictures and home videos.  I was really good about taking pictures but videos are something I slacked on.  I wish so much that I would have made that a priority. Hearing his voice and seeing him in a living form are so precious to us now.  
• handwritten notes- the first several times I saw Jason's handwriting on a sticky note or a card, it stopped me in my tracks.  Something about seeing that print that was unique to only him made me tear up.  Several years ago I bought a kit from a party where you write a note to your child on his/her birthday.  You save them and then give them all to them on their 18th birthday (or whenever you wanted).  We never did this.  Why?  I can only imagine how special those handwritten notes would be to the boys one day.  So, write your children notes from time to time and put them in a safe place.

A toy box that Jason built for Hudson

My grandpa gave us this sign from the original Hudson car

Jason wrote this note inside the toy box.  SOOO precious.  Just wish Cooper had one.

• I wish we would have gotten one of those books from Hallmark where you record yourself reading the story.  My mom did this and gave it to us one year......and I know it will be a treasure one day when she is gone.  I wish so much that Jason and I would have each done one.
• Have a serious discussion about what would happen if one of you died.  Talk about future plans, details with the kids........give your spouse permission to remarry one day.  They need to hear it from you.  That was such a huge gift that Jason gave me- and one I'll talk more about at a later time.  Anything you feel that needs to be said, take the time to say it.  You are not promised tomorrow.
• Have all your financial ducks in a row.  Have a will made and stored in a safe place.  Who will raise your kids if both of you die?  Figure out what amount of life insurance you would need so that your lifestyle doesn't have to change.  Are you a stay at home mom?  What amount would you need in order to continue to stay home?  Get with a financial planner or someone that is smart in this area if you need help projecting what you would need.  Get life insurance on BOTH of you.  We had/have life insurance on me even though I didn't work.  If I would have died, Jason would have needed to pay for after school day care, possibly pay someone to take them to school, possibly a housekeeper, etc.....  Make sure you know the passwords and codes to every bank account, safety deposit box, safe, online banking, etc...
• Go on dates.  This is something we talked about but we were not always the best at doing.  We didn't even have an excuse.  Our parents live here and were always more than willing to watch the boys for us.  We valued family time so much that we rarely made US a priority.  I wish so much that we would have had monthly date nights together.  

Of course there are other things like: should have told him I was proud of him more, should have been better about picking my battles, should have taken more vacations.......none of these are huge regrets but honestly if I had the chance to change them, I would.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we don't know what tomorrow holds for any of us.  Live today as if it's your last (but without fear) ...... love hard and laugh often.  That is the best advice I can give.

32 Weeks

During my quiet time this morning, I found this statement and it really stood out to me:  Always set your gaze beyond your present pain and on to God's promised prizes!

There is both peace and frustration that comes with this statement.  Peace because I know that His plan for me is bigger than I can even imagine.  Peace because I am given the promise of Heaven one day.  On the other side of that though comes frustration.  Frustration that my plan looked very different.  

I spent the last hour or so googling "flying with crematory remains" and trying to research the best way to transport Jason's ashes.  I called American Airlines to see what the exact steps are in order to make this as smooth as possible. The last thing I want is to have an issue the day I'm scheduled to leave town.  I imagine this process will be emotional enough without there being problems getting the remains on the airplane.  So after talking to countless people and explaining my situation to at least 5 people ( I was transferred to several different departments and desks.....it was ridiculous) I think I finally have it figured out.  I'm nervous about it though. This process required me to actually look at the remains.  I haven't touched them since the day I got them......roughly 32 weeks ago.  I was questioned about the container and packaging so I went to the closet to get them.  That moment was just as surreal to me as the day he died.  My brain still can't fathom that my husband is inside. I want so bad for this to be a horrible mistake.  

Today I find myself just feeling sad.  I miss him terribly but am trying to do what the above statement says- keep my eyes on the goal.

Rehearsal dinner- June 16, 2000

Honeymoon in Kauai- June 2000

Longing to Remember

The other night I was sitting in the chair in the living room.......and Hudson walked up to me and said, "mom, I'm afraid that I'm forgetting what dad looked like."  I motioned him to sit next to me in the chair and we went through the 100+ pictures that I have in an album on Facebook.  We laughed and we cried as we went through them.  I shared with him that I also fear that I'm forgetting some things as well.  Do I remember what he smelled like, do I recall the feeling of laying in his arms, and do I remember the sound of his voice?  Of course we remember those things......but it's not as vivid as it once was.  And that's sad and scary all at the same time.  Then we are hit with the reality that as time goes on, those recollections and memories will continue to blur.  And there are not enough photographs or home videos to keep that from happening.  It just does.

I mentioned the "train track" the other day and the ability to simultaneously have two very different sets of emotions going on at the same time.  It sounds bizarre but it's my reality.  Some days I wake up and the minute my eyes open I think, "crap, this is my life."  I mourn the loss of Jason, I mourn the life and future we never get to have, I grieve for the boys and the fact that they lost him at such a young age.  Some days I feel so very blessed to have two healthy boys and a special guy in my life that is willing to love us.  I have joy and hope about my future.  I have a great family and wonderful friends.  And then, the sadness creeps back in.  Back and forth and up and down.  My mind and heart are constantly all over the place.  It's almost cruel.  But, it's normal and expected and justified.  

Like all the other holidays, I survived Mother's Day.  The boys and I spent some time with Jason's mom and step dad and then my mom and sister later in the evening..  The void was insanely obvious but I find that with each holiday, I get stronger and stronger.  I tried to reflect back on the previous years with a smile on my face and thankful for memories that are forever in my heart.  Then I look at my two blessings........the very boys that allowed me to assume the role as "mom" .........and I'm grateful. 

With Hudson- March 2003

 With Cooper- March 2006

Clear Answers

I already knew that I had some amazing friends but this week once again proved this to be true!  The encouragement and sweet words that were spoken to me (and Shawn too) have been so overwhelming.  All I can say is thank you.  And thank you for walking this road with me....even though I'm still walking it.

Many of you have asked some specific questions about the boys and how they are doing so I thought I'd answer some of that here.  The boys are doing well.  They definitely have their moments but overall I feel that they are adjusting to our new normal as good as can be expected.  They certainly miss their daddy and I find that evenings still tend to be the hardest for all of us.  Jason was such a good dad- he was extremely hands on so there is much to miss.  Although they can't really verbalize this, I know that Shawn being in the picture makes things better/easier/more secure for them.  One of the first comments out of their mouths when I told them that Jason died was "who will be our daddy?"......."who will take us fishing and camping?"........."who will do daddy things with us?"  I immediately told them that I would learn how to do those things with them but we all knew that even though I can be a good mom......I can never be a dad. So he has come into this picture and filled that void so selflessly and has loved my boys in such a big way.  I know they feel hope about the future and it's because of him.

I mentioned in my last post that I struggled some with the timing of all this.  I wrestled with feelings of guilt and also fear because I knew that my actions could and probably would hurt some around me.  I prayed so much about this and felt God giving me the answers in very direct ways.  My favorite example is this:  I had been thinking a lot about feelings that were developing and just trying to make sense of it.  I prayed that day that I would have a peace about how to handle this.  I asked God to be clear in his answer to me.  Later that evening, the boys and I were in the living room playing.  They both walked up to the couch and started asking me questions.  Our conversation went something like this:

Hudson: "mom, is Shawn married?"
Me:  "no"
Hudson:  (with a confused look on his face) "he's not?"
Me: "nope, he's never been married."
Cooper: "does he have any kids?"
Me: "no, no kids either"

You could see the wheels turning in their little heads.  I noticed that Hudson got really sad.

Hudson:  "so, you mean he's all alone?"
Me:  "well, he has family and lots of friends so he's not really alone."

Then the boys turned to each other and started talking.

Cooper to Hudson:  "hey, do you think that we could be his family?"
Hudson:  "yea, maybe we could be his kids and we could love him."

And I sat there and continued to listen to their precious conversation and my eyes filled with tears.  I felt the Lord speaking to me through my children and I knew I was getting my "clear answer."

Not too long after Jason died, my mom and I were talking one day about me and my future.  We were having a conversation about if I would remarry one day, etc..   I remember telling her some specific things that day.  I told her that I would never get on E-Harmony or Match.com  or any kind of dating website.  I'm a single mom (and not just a single mom but the only living parent) and I would never risk my safety by going on dates with strangers.  I told her that I would prefer someone that didn't have a crazy ex-wife and preferably someone without kids.  I realized that the chances of no kids was slim but I said it anyways.  I told her that I'd probably have a hard time finding a guy that would understand that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex.  Want to talk about clear answers?  God literally dropped a single, never been married, kidless man into my lap that was perfectly fine with my last request.  How do I begin to argue with that?

This picture was taken at the fall festival.  I'm so glad that Shawn had the forethought to have someone take this.  Even though we were just friends at the time it's very special to me.......thumb and all!

A Sweet Story

I’m so excited to share a sweet story- one that has been unfolding for a while now……

I’m dating someone.

Wow, I honestly never thought I’d be saying or writing those words again. I never imagined that my life would take the turn that it’s taken. I never dreamed I’d be thrown back into single life or that I’d lose my husband at such an early age. Even though I never imagined any of this could happen, God has known all along. He knew this was our plan and he has known what I’ve needed this entire time. To say that God’s hand has been all over my life and all over this situation is an understatement. There are so many examples of His presence and with that comes an enormous amount of peace.

Before I tell my story, I want to first make it clear: I am still grieving. And I probably always will. The boys and I lost something so incredibly important and special on October 5 and our lives are forever different because of that loss. I hope that people don’t hear about this new relationship and then just assume that I’m over Jason or that I don’t still hurt or miss him. Although I have new happiness in my life, this certainly doesn’t mean that I’m not still met with sadness each day. I continue to be a single parent to these boys and days are still hard and challenging for me. It would break my heart if anyone assumed that I loved or missed Jason any less because I’m choosing to move forward. Someone once told me that living life after a death is similar to a train track. It’s possible to have the grief and the happiness happening together at the same time, parallel to each other, like the train tracks. This is the perfect analogy to explain how I’m able to keep my feelings separate.

What makes this story so unique is that this person isn’t just anyone. It is one of Jason’s closest friends. Jason and Shawn met during Jason’s freshman year at Harding. They became fast friends and have stayed really close ever since. When Jason and I started dating back in 1999, he and Shawn and another friend were living together in Flower Mound. I met them and saw them a few times but didn’t really spend a lot of time with them because Jason was usually over at my house. Shawn was in our wedding and over the years, Jason and Shawn continued their friendship…..mostly meeting up for movies and dinner. I rarely went with them since this was Jason’s chance to have some guy time. I kept up with Shawn over the years through Jason. I always admired and respected him from a distance. I would always question Jason about why Shawn wasn’t married yet. He is a cute guy and seemed like such a catch. It was hard for me to understand why he hadn’t settled down. Jason told me that he hadn’t found “the one” and that he would obviously do that when he was ready. I even wanted to set Shawn up with a teacher friend of mine but we never seemed to make that work. Looking back now, we are able to see how God protected us in so many ways……allowing us to not spend a lot of time together over the years so that there isn’t any weirdness and so that we knew each other just enough to make things comfortable but not too close to make things awkward.

The evening that Jason went into the hospital, family and friends began to pile in. Shawn was there. He waited in that waiting room with us for hours and hours and came back really early the next day. He stayed until the end. Shawn and several other guys spoke at Jason’s memorial service. They shared stories and memories- many that I had not heard until that day. It was such a special day for me. Even though they didn’t see each other all the time, Shawn loved Jason like a brother. He was there during 2 huge events- his marriage and his death…… and lots of things in between.

A couple of weeks after Jason died, Shawn reached out to me. He invited the boys to attend the fall festival at his church. This worked out for me because the boys were going to miss the one at our church because of a camping trip with Jason’s step dad. I took the boys to the festival and it was a fun time. Shawn expressed to me that he really wanted to help out with the boys. He wasn’t sure exactly what that meant but he knew his heart had opened up to them and he wanted to do something for them. He started coming over and hanging out with them. He gave the boys little snippets of male interaction- playing, reading, wrestling, praying, etc…. and it was really neat for me to watch. Over time, Shawn and I started spending time together with the boys and he and I would often talk about Jason. We would laugh and cry together. We both were and are mourning our sweet Jason. Conversation was so comfortable because I could say anything to him because I knew he understood. I didn’t have to filter my thoughts or second guess my feelings. I was and still am able to openly talk about my struggles, my insecurities, my fears and my sadness. A special friendship was developing. God was slowly weaving our hearts together through our love and loss for Jason.

I can’t pinpoint an exact time frame but at some point I began to realize that Shawn and I are very compatible. I will admit that I wasn’t sure what to think about this at first. In my mind, it seemed ridiculous that I could even entertain the idea of liking/loving someone else so soon. However, my heart was telling me otherwise. I prayed fervently about this- asking God to please show me His way. I selfishly asked that if this wasn’t something that was meant to be then to not even allow it to start. Not only am I needing to protect my own heart, I’ve got 2 precious boys that are falling in love with him as well. All I can say is that I have had nothing but 100% continued peace about this situation. There are countless stories and situations that I could share (and probably will over time) that have shown me that this relationship is meant to happen. We are honoring God in every way (even physically) and because of that…..it just feels right.

Watching Shawn and the boys together has been such a joy. While it’s certainly bittersweet, I can’t even explain how wonderful it is to see their eyes light up when he comes over. I continue to witness Shawn’s heart expanding and over time, he is finding a spot for each of us inside. He often includes Jason in conversation with them and told me that he’s so excited to share stories with them as the years go on. He does this often and it’s precious. They will never forget their daddy and a huge part of that will be because of him.

Because Shawn isn’t a stranger to this situation, it’s been nothing but comfortable when it comes to talking about my grief. He wants me to grieve, he wants me to cry and he wants me to heal. He knows and understands that I’ll always grieve Jason….especially at different milestones with the boys. While big moments in their life will bring happiness, it will certainly bring a huge amount of sadness that Jason isn’t there to see it happen. I don’t have a timeline when I have to be “finished” grieving and he will never expect that I’ll be “over” it completely. Of course, I will continue to move forward with my life and find happiness….but I’ll bring Jason and his memories with me each step of the way. I never feel guilty for having hard days and he constantly reminds me that he is here for me in any way. This is just one of the many reasons this relationship has been so easy.

I know I’ve mentioned feelings of guilt and I will absolutely say that there have been times I’ve felt guilty for loving again and especially so soon. But then I’m reminded by some amazing people that I didn’t ask for this life. And that I’ve done nothing wrong. And that I’m just making the most of a really crappy situation. I certainly wasn’t looking for this but for some reason, God decided to place this person in my life at a time when He knew I needed it the most. I’m learning that I shouldn’t question that. God’s plan is so much bigger than mine and He’s been amazing to me.

So there you have it…. A sweet story that continues to get sweeter. I’m looking forward to the future and the blessings that each day brings.

Jason, Shawn and Gary

Shawn and the boys- just finished the Lego Death Star

In the dugout at the Ranger Stadium

Easter

Celebrating the boys birthdays at Magic Time Machine

Rudy

Once we decided to start a family, Jason and I struggled to get pregnant.  We went through infertility treatments and a miscarriage before God decided it was time to bless us with a baby.  During that time, we were not sure if or when we would ever get pregnant.  So we did what every other young couple does: we got a dog.

We were in the middle of some of our treatments and we decided to start looking for a pet.  We knew that we wanted a dog at some point but I really didn't like the idea of having a new puppy and a newborn at the same time.  We went to a pet store and Jason laid eyes on the cutest, fluffiest little fur ball.  We were tempted but walked away empty handed that night.  The next day, we got a call that our fertility treatment didn't take.  We were disappointed and sad about this news.  Jason looked at me and said, "let's go get the dog."  And so we did.

And a few months later.......we got pregnant with Hudson.   :)

The puppy was so small that he fit inside Jason's coat pocket.  (I actually have a picture of this somewhere!) He was so cute and we were happy to have a distraction from all the "trying to get pregnant" stuff.  We named him Rudy.  Over the years, he has gained names such as Roo Roo and Rudy Tootie Fresh and Fruity.  He is definitely a big part of our family.

Rudy has always been a mama's boy.  But, he loved his daddy too.  (and he loves the boys as well)  Rudy obviously spent more time with me since I was home raising the boys but he and Jason had their time together as well.  Pretty much every night, I would go to bed before Jason did.  He and Rudy would come into the bedroom while I washed my face and brushed my teeth.  Rudy would jump up on the bed and Jason and I would visit one last time about the day.  Jason would kiss me goodnight, walk towards the door and turn off the light.  Rudy would jump off the bed and run down the hall.  Jason would close the door and then join Rudy in the living room.  They typically spent a couple of hours together on the couch while Jason watched sports.  This was their time to bond.

Rudy threw up for the first few days after Jason died.  It's almost like he knew.  After my mom went home (she stayed a month or so with us) I allowed Rudy to sleep in bed with me.  For several days, he would lay down right next to Jason's pillow and whine.  It was heartbreaking.  One day he followed me into the closet and went to Jason's side.  Jason had all his dress shirt hanging on the lower section of the closet.....they were just a few inches off the ground.  Rudy walked through the shirts- basically with his face rubbing against all of them......and he did this back and forth for a while.  You could tell he was craving him and even his scent.  I wished so bad that I could explain what was going on.

This week when I got the t-shirt quilts from my friend, I came home and laid them out so that I could take a picture of them.  Being the nosy little thing that he is, he came over to see what I was doing.  I spread the quilt out and he immediately laid on it and rubbed his face back and forth over the squares.  Even though I couldn't smell Jason.....I think he could.  I tried to get him off so that I could take the pictures but he wouldn't budge.  He cried and kept rubbing his face.  I got on the floor and called his name but he wouldn't move.  So, I let him lay on it for a bit until he finally let me pick him up and move him off.  Rudy misses him in such a big way, just like the rest of us.

It took him a while to realize that Jason isn't coming back.  In the evening, he would often lay in the hallway by the laundry room since this is next to the garage.  He would just stare at the door.  Again, so very heartbreaking.

Even though he's just a dog, it's been amazing to see how much he's been effected by this loss.  While he still loves the boys and me....I can tell he misses his late night buddy.  

A Gift We Will Treasure Forever!

I've had many moments over the last 30 weeks that have left me speechless.  I had one of them this week.  Not long after Jason died, I had a sweet friend ask me for some of Jason's favorite T-shirts.  She mentioned having a quilt made for the boys so I dug through drawers and found several shirts that were staples in his wardrobe.

Jason would come home from work each day and immediately change into a t-shirt and shorts.  He had about 10 or so shirts that he wore ALL the time.  I am able to look back through pictures from many years back and these shirts are a common theme in most of them.  So it wasn't hard to find shirts that would remind us of our sweet daddy.

Weeks and months have gone by and I sort of forgot about the shirts and the quilt.  I got a message the other day from my friend asking if I could meet up for coffee on Monday so that she could deliver the quilt to me.  I was happy and excited and sad all at the same time to see the finished product.  And, it's better than I could have ever imagined.

I met my two friends for coffee and had a good time just catching up.  As we were finishing up, they handed me 2 bags- one for each boy.  I was instantly surprised and excited that there were two quilts.  I guess I just assumed that she would only make one.  This way, the boys can have their own and each one has a square that is actually special to just them.  I'm convinced that this is no coincidence.

I came home from meeting with them and immediately spread the quilts out.  I was speechless.  I felt an instant connection.  Each square held a memory and these quilts are 100% my Jason.  My mind ran through the snapshots of all the times he wore these shirts and my heart felt so happy because these quilts are a treasure my boys will have for a lifetime.  I grabbed them and buried my face inside the heap of fabric.  I inhaled and wished so bad I could smell his scent.  It feels like such a long time.....


After admiring them, I noticed a note in one of the bags.  It was from the precious lady that made them.  She talked about praying for us and about her journey in making them.  Each and every stitch was made out of love and every decision on the quilt was one that she carefully considered and prayed over.  That is why this is no coincidence that they are perfect.  The neatest part of the story is that she too lost her spouse at a young age and had 2 young boys as well.  Tears rolled down my face as I listened to her story and I was so touched that she would take the time to make something so special for our family.  "Thank you" seems so inadequate in a situation like this.  I can never repay or never say thank you enough for this amazing gift.

Cooper's quilt

Hudson's quilt

I pulled them out a few minutes ago and showed them to the boys.  Before I could even get them spread out, Hudson squealed "dad's shirts!!!"

Jason bought this shirt last summer- right before our vacation.  I think he only wore it a few times but I love this picture of Jason and Cooper so I just had to include it.

Jason's shirt from the year that Hudson was in cub scouts.

His BeQuia shirt that he wore all the time

His Popeye shirt that the boys loved

His navy Travelocity shirt that he wore a lot

Once again I'm just in awe at how God has placed some amazing people in our path.  We continue to feel so blessed and loved.  Thank you, sweet friends!