Halloween was the first holiday to celebrate without Jason. I was thankful that it was a crazy/busy kind of night. Not a ton of time to just sit around and think. The boys were running from door to door and having a blast. They seemed unfazed and for that I'm thankful. Several times on my walk I thought to myself that he should be here. Again that constant battle that I have with myself ........wanting him here versus wanting him in Heaven. Someone once told me that the buildup to the holiday is worse than the day itself. I felt it was true in this situation but again I'm not sure if it's because the evening was kind of hectic or if because I was no longer dreading the event. Speaking of dread, I really do dread the next 2 months. His birthday was in November, then we have Thanksgiving and then Christmas. If it were up to me, I'd skip right on over to January but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Bummer. I'm proud to say that I survived the first of the big firsts without him.
I was cleaning out my purse today and discovered Jason's wedding ring in an inside pocket. I had completely forgotten that it was there. I slipped it off his finger at the hospital right before he went into surgery and put it in that pocket. Of course it took me back to that day.....to all those feelings of panic as the surgeon was telling us our options and how brave Jason was trying to be so that I wouldn't freak out any more than I already was. I held his ring for a long time and tried to remember what his hands looked like with it on. I'm scared I will forget.
I've had so many people tell me that Jason's death has put so many things into perspective for them. They try to not take life too seriously or they are trying harder to appreciate the people in their lives. I'd have to say it's also true for me as well. This last month, I've seen changes in myself. Things that might normally frustrate me or get me upset........I'm allowing them to roll off my shoulders. Many times I've said to myself, "let it go.....it's not a big deal.......life is too short......in the end does it really matter?" Thank you Jason for showing us that life is short and we should not take a second for granted.
Monday, October 31, 2011
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Lord Come Quickly
So I tackled my first time at church. I cried most of the morning while I was getting ready. I was hoping to "get it all out" and keep myself composed while at church. I did pretty good at first. Once the singing started, I sort of lost it. It was my first time to sit in the pew by myself. (with the exception of the few times I went when Jason was either sick or out of town) It felt weird. I was surrounded by hundreds yet I felt so alone. The sermon today was about Jesus coming back. Before Jason died, I would have told you that I was excited about Heaven. However, there was a part of me that also enjoyed my life and was okay if Jesus didn't return during my lifetime. I think most of us are that way. Even as Christians, we get so tied to this Earth and we don't long for Jesus to return. I'm ashamed to admit that it's taken my husband's death to switch my view. I long for Jesus to come. I can't wait for heaven. Please, Lord come now. Maranatha!
I have a few more important meetings and things on my to-do list. I'm hoping that after this week I will feel more comfortable with my financial situation and future. Ugh, decisions and meetings that I never wish I had to make or attend. Still seems like a bad dream some days.
Thank you for all the prayers, emails and texts about today. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends that pray for me when I sometimes don't even have the words. I conquered something today....one of the many "firsts" that are headed my way. Even though it hurt, I survived. Jason would be proud.
I have a few more important meetings and things on my to-do list. I'm hoping that after this week I will feel more comfortable with my financial situation and future. Ugh, decisions and meetings that I never wish I had to make or attend. Still seems like a bad dream some days.
Thank you for all the prayers, emails and texts about today. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends that pray for me when I sometimes don't even have the words. I conquered something today....one of the many "firsts" that are headed my way. Even though it hurt, I survived. Jason would be proud.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Fall
This was always Jason's favorite time of year. At the first mention of a cold front, he'd often ask me if I thought it was cold enough for him to wear a sweater. I'd smile at him and say "nice try".....I mean, didn't he realize we lived in Texas? We'd kind of joke around about that all fall because he would itch to pull out one of the many jackets he owned. So very sad that he's not here to enjoy the beautiful weather. I guess though when you compare this to where he is, there really is no comparison.
Earlier this week, I picked the boys up from school and Cooper's teacher mentioned that one of the dads in Cooper's class was the Watch Dog for the day. Jason had been the Watch Dog before and the boys were excited for him to do that again this year. The conversation came up in class and Cooper realized that his dad wasn't going to be able to do it. She immediately switched the focus and asked if he had a grandpa that could come. Thankfully he got excited at the thought of that and didn't seem to be sad about it. Don't you love how kids are so easily distracted? In the car, I fought back the tears as Cooper told me that T's dad was the Watch Dog and I hated the fact that his dad would never be able to do that for him. Breaks my heart.
On Friday I decided to take my car to get the oil changed. I was over in my mileage and it really needed to be done. While driving there, I realized that I've never gotten the oil changed in my car during my entire married life. Jason always did that for me. We definitely had our "roles" and ways of taking care of each other. This was one of the ways he took care of me. While I was waiting, one of the guys came and got me and wanted to show me something. He proceeds to list a few things that really needed to be done. Seriously? This information and these choices sent me into a silent panic. Were they trying to take advantage of me? Could they tell I had no idea what they were talking about? Would Jason have done any of these things if he had been the one taking it in that day? Of course my first thought was that I want to keep my car safe for my family. But, I do hear stories of places like this trying to up sell women. I caved and had them do some fuel injection flush but honestly didn't have time for the transmission flush because I had an eye appt right after. So, $100 later my car was ready. I started crying when I was paying. I felt like such an idiot for crying. I couldn't even look at the guy checking me out. I walked out and felt bad because I wondered if I made him feel bad for offering me all those things. It just really hit me that these "roles" are now mine and it's brand new territory for me. As much as I don't want to do or learn these things......I have to. It wasn't so much about the oil change as it was that I no longer have someone to take care of me. And equally as sad that I don't have anyone to take care of. (other than my boys of course)
Tonight we carved our pumpkins. Well, sort of. In the past, we have always painted our pumpkins at the beginning of October and then waited until a few days before Halloween to carve them. Somehow in the fog of the first week of Jason's death, I managed to purchase and have the boys paint their pumpkins. I'm a big believer in traditions and I'm shocked that I was able to even think about that 2 weeks ago. Anyways, the boys were wanting to carve them tonight but I honestly didn't have it in me to do the whole enchilada. Typically the boys would all search online until each one found a template they liked. We would print them off, tape them on and Jason would begin carving. Since the boys are so young, we would always allow them to help take the guts out but Jason always did the cutting. Once the insides were all removed, I would start working at the sink to separate the stringy goo from the seeds. Then I'd season them and pop them into the oven. Jason loved roasted pumpkin seeds. I somehow managed to skip the "template" stage with them tonight and we just spent lots of time with our hands inside the pumpkin. They loved pulling the goo out and thankfully that satisfied them. I fought the urge to cry the entire time. Our first holiday without him. It just wasn't the same.
My dad is here this weekend so the house doesn't feel quite as quiet as it does when it's just the 3 of us. Amazing how just another body can fill the void somewhat. He's been working on a list of some things that needed to be fixed so I'm thankful that my honey-do list will be completed in the next day or so.
I've had a couple other ladies that have lost a spouse reach out to me through email or facebook messages. As much as I don't want to be a part of this "club" I know it will be great for me to talk to someone that actually understands. I am thankful that they have taken the time to share their stories and offer me help. I really think that I am ready and need to start counseling for myself soon. Even though we are doing the family thing starting in Dec. I feel that I need something a little more personal. This week I hope to find someone and get something booked. I'm finding that I'm keeping a lot to myself.
Tomorrow, I hope to make it to church for the first time since Jason died. I'm really dreading it though. Seeing people and talking about it makes it more real each and every time. I know I won't be able to keep my emotions at bay. Once I start to cry, it's all over. I know it will be good for me........and good for others because there are so many people that I know want to see me. I can't put it off forever. Say a little prayer for me please.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13
Earlier this week, I picked the boys up from school and Cooper's teacher mentioned that one of the dads in Cooper's class was the Watch Dog for the day. Jason had been the Watch Dog before and the boys were excited for him to do that again this year. The conversation came up in class and Cooper realized that his dad wasn't going to be able to do it. She immediately switched the focus and asked if he had a grandpa that could come. Thankfully he got excited at the thought of that and didn't seem to be sad about it. Don't you love how kids are so easily distracted? In the car, I fought back the tears as Cooper told me that T's dad was the Watch Dog and I hated the fact that his dad would never be able to do that for him. Breaks my heart.
On Friday I decided to take my car to get the oil changed. I was over in my mileage and it really needed to be done. While driving there, I realized that I've never gotten the oil changed in my car during my entire married life. Jason always did that for me. We definitely had our "roles" and ways of taking care of each other. This was one of the ways he took care of me. While I was waiting, one of the guys came and got me and wanted to show me something. He proceeds to list a few things that really needed to be done. Seriously? This information and these choices sent me into a silent panic. Were they trying to take advantage of me? Could they tell I had no idea what they were talking about? Would Jason have done any of these things if he had been the one taking it in that day? Of course my first thought was that I want to keep my car safe for my family. But, I do hear stories of places like this trying to up sell women. I caved and had them do some fuel injection flush but honestly didn't have time for the transmission flush because I had an eye appt right after. So, $100 later my car was ready. I started crying when I was paying. I felt like such an idiot for crying. I couldn't even look at the guy checking me out. I walked out and felt bad because I wondered if I made him feel bad for offering me all those things. It just really hit me that these "roles" are now mine and it's brand new territory for me. As much as I don't want to do or learn these things......I have to. It wasn't so much about the oil change as it was that I no longer have someone to take care of me. And equally as sad that I don't have anyone to take care of. (other than my boys of course)
Tonight we carved our pumpkins. Well, sort of. In the past, we have always painted our pumpkins at the beginning of October and then waited until a few days before Halloween to carve them. Somehow in the fog of the first week of Jason's death, I managed to purchase and have the boys paint their pumpkins. I'm a big believer in traditions and I'm shocked that I was able to even think about that 2 weeks ago. Anyways, the boys were wanting to carve them tonight but I honestly didn't have it in me to do the whole enchilada. Typically the boys would all search online until each one found a template they liked. We would print them off, tape them on and Jason would begin carving. Since the boys are so young, we would always allow them to help take the guts out but Jason always did the cutting. Once the insides were all removed, I would start working at the sink to separate the stringy goo from the seeds. Then I'd season them and pop them into the oven. Jason loved roasted pumpkin seeds. I somehow managed to skip the "template" stage with them tonight and we just spent lots of time with our hands inside the pumpkin. They loved pulling the goo out and thankfully that satisfied them. I fought the urge to cry the entire time. Our first holiday without him. It just wasn't the same.
My dad is here this weekend so the house doesn't feel quite as quiet as it does when it's just the 3 of us. Amazing how just another body can fill the void somewhat. He's been working on a list of some things that needed to be fixed so I'm thankful that my honey-do list will be completed in the next day or so.
I've had a couple other ladies that have lost a spouse reach out to me through email or facebook messages. As much as I don't want to be a part of this "club" I know it will be great for me to talk to someone that actually understands. I am thankful that they have taken the time to share their stories and offer me help. I really think that I am ready and need to start counseling for myself soon. Even though we are doing the family thing starting in Dec. I feel that I need something a little more personal. This week I hope to find someone and get something booked. I'm finding that I'm keeping a lot to myself.
Tomorrow, I hope to make it to church for the first time since Jason died. I'm really dreading it though. Seeing people and talking about it makes it more real each and every time. I know I won't be able to keep my emotions at bay. Once I start to cry, it's all over. I know it will be good for me........and good for others because there are so many people that I know want to see me. I can't put it off forever. Say a little prayer for me please.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
21 days
How has it been 21 days since I last kissed him, hugged him, spoke to him, loved on him.....? It honestly feels like a lifetime ago. I've often heard of people saying that they separate their lives into the "before the death" and "after the death" and feel that they have lived 2 different lives. I get it now. All I know is my life "before the death" and this second part is completely new ground for me. I'm amazed that I've survived 21 days so far. Doesn't sound like much time but it's huge in my book. I was questioning whether I'd survive 21 minutes that first day. God sure is taking my hand and leading me. I have no idea where we are going but all I know is that he is in control. He always has been.
I'm starting a pretty good collection of books on grief. I've had a few sweet friends mail me books that they have heard are good. Some are for me and some are for the boys. I'm looking forward to starting them soon. My mind continues to function at about half the capacity as it once did. At least that's how I feel anyways. My brain has been so scattered since all this happened. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and all of a sudden I think to myself "now where was I going again?" I can have a conversation with someone and 10 minutes later I can't even remember what we talked about. This is driving me crazy. I know it's par for the course but I really feel all over the place right now. So, I haven't tackled any books just yet. I really don't think I'd comprehend anything at this point so I'm putting that on hold for a bit.
I happened to reread one of my first posts and discovered an error I made in my writing. (see, scattered brain again!) I mentioned something about making sure you had a will. While I do think it's super smart to have one, what I really meant to say was that you really need to have LIFE INSURANCE. You would not believe how many young families have told me that they either don't have any or that it's very limited in the amount. Sure, no one likes to pay those monthly premiums but let me tell you how thankful I am that we chose to make those payments each month. I can't imagine the added stress I'd feel if we didn't have any and I felt that I had to go get 4 jobs tomorrow in order to keep afloat. So, there are my 2 cents for the day. Go get life insurance today. Not tomorrow. You may not be given another day.
Yesterday I had my security system reconfigured and armed again. A couple of years ago we had some issues with a couple of the windows in our bedroom. The wires were off and it caused the alarm to go off for no reason. Instead of having it fixed at that time, we decided to just cancel the alarm system. We were naive in thinking that our neighborhood was safe (which it is) and that we know our neighbors (which we do) so it just wasn't a top priority for us. They came out yesterday and got everything fixed and working again. I do have piece of mind now......I just pray that this thing never goes off. I know I'm a big girl and all but I can honestly say that I doubt I'll ever get used to being the only adult in this house and that sleeping alone will never feel right to me.
I'm so thankful that I have a home......not just a house but one that has developed into a home full of love and memories. While this brings comfort to my life it also brings pain with it. This is the first and only house we have had together. We started building it the week we got back from our honeymoon. Two young "kids" making decisions like what color grout we wanted and the shape of the doorknobs for the doors. I look around and see so much of Jason in this house. It's a mixed blessing really. So thankful for it yet it's hard to look around and realize he isn't coming back. His car is still parked outside. My intentions are to soon get rid of it but for now it's still here. Yesterday I was out running errands and I turned around the corner and was about to pull into my driveway when I caught a glimpse of his car and for a split second had the "oh, he's home" feeling. Huge punch in the gut. There are still times throughout the day when I have to tell/remind myself that he's really gone. You'd think after 21 days I'd get it now but there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to be true.
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always" Psalm 105:4
I'm starting a pretty good collection of books on grief. I've had a few sweet friends mail me books that they have heard are good. Some are for me and some are for the boys. I'm looking forward to starting them soon. My mind continues to function at about half the capacity as it once did. At least that's how I feel anyways. My brain has been so scattered since all this happened. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and all of a sudden I think to myself "now where was I going again?" I can have a conversation with someone and 10 minutes later I can't even remember what we talked about. This is driving me crazy. I know it's par for the course but I really feel all over the place right now. So, I haven't tackled any books just yet. I really don't think I'd comprehend anything at this point so I'm putting that on hold for a bit.
I happened to reread one of my first posts and discovered an error I made in my writing. (see, scattered brain again!) I mentioned something about making sure you had a will. While I do think it's super smart to have one, what I really meant to say was that you really need to have LIFE INSURANCE. You would not believe how many young families have told me that they either don't have any or that it's very limited in the amount. Sure, no one likes to pay those monthly premiums but let me tell you how thankful I am that we chose to make those payments each month. I can't imagine the added stress I'd feel if we didn't have any and I felt that I had to go get 4 jobs tomorrow in order to keep afloat. So, there are my 2 cents for the day. Go get life insurance today. Not tomorrow. You may not be given another day.
Yesterday I had my security system reconfigured and armed again. A couple of years ago we had some issues with a couple of the windows in our bedroom. The wires were off and it caused the alarm to go off for no reason. Instead of having it fixed at that time, we decided to just cancel the alarm system. We were naive in thinking that our neighborhood was safe (which it is) and that we know our neighbors (which we do) so it just wasn't a top priority for us. They came out yesterday and got everything fixed and working again. I do have piece of mind now......I just pray that this thing never goes off. I know I'm a big girl and all but I can honestly say that I doubt I'll ever get used to being the only adult in this house and that sleeping alone will never feel right to me.
I'm so thankful that I have a home......not just a house but one that has developed into a home full of love and memories. While this brings comfort to my life it also brings pain with it. This is the first and only house we have had together. We started building it the week we got back from our honeymoon. Two young "kids" making decisions like what color grout we wanted and the shape of the doorknobs for the doors. I look around and see so much of Jason in this house. It's a mixed blessing really. So thankful for it yet it's hard to look around and realize he isn't coming back. His car is still parked outside. My intentions are to soon get rid of it but for now it's still here. Yesterday I was out running errands and I turned around the corner and was about to pull into my driveway when I caught a glimpse of his car and for a split second had the "oh, he's home" feeling. Huge punch in the gut. There are still times throughout the day when I have to tell/remind myself that he's really gone. You'd think after 21 days I'd get it now but there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to be true.
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always" Psalm 105:4
Monday, October 24, 2011
A new day
I've said it before but I'll say it again......I really have no idea how people that don't believe in God and heaven get through something like this. I can't tell you how many times a day I try to picture what heaven is like. I wonder what happened the moment Jason's soul left his body. This is a topic I hope to research and educate myself on better once things settle down a bit. In the meantime, what I do know about heaven gives me great peace and hope.
Our second night as a family of 3 went better than last night. It might have helped that we spent a good amount of the afternoon at the park- enjoying the beautiful weather. The boys ran and played, they chased ducks, they climbed rocks......for a brief moment they were 5 and 8 without a care in the world. I called in Chilis to go and brought it home. I allowed them to watch the new Clone Wars season 3 DVD that they just got while we ate. It's not something Jason and I would typically allow but it filled the void that I didn't have the mental energy to deal with tonight. I think I needed some distraction from the obvious and it seemed that the boys welcomed it as well. They were tired from a long day and neither fussed when it was time for bed.
Hudson started pressing hard with some details of Jason's death. Did I see his surgery? Did I see him die? Where is he buried? When can we see his grave site? These are some tough questions for me because unfortunately the answers really suck. There are details that I feel are too specific for his sweet, innocent little heart. My boys have no idea that their daddy was cremated. It will be years I'm sure before I am able to have that conversation with them. In the meantime, I hope/plan to skate over the details and remain very vague about it. Please pray that Hudson will accept my answers and not press further. I don't like lying to him about it. I'm just protecting him right now. I'm at a loss really on what the best thing to say or do with these questions. Hopefully once we start counseling, I can get some insight on how to handle this.
I continue to be humbled by the sweet friends that check in on me daily. I get numerous texts, emails and Facebook messages with friends (or even people that don't know me) checking in or telling me they still pray. Friends, I can't tell you how much that means to me. It's wonderful to know that Jason isn't forgotten and that people still care that the boys are I are hurting. Thank you so much for loving us!
This past weekend, the boys went camping with Jason's stepdad. They had a blast and it was a great distraction for them. My mom and I went to Granbury for the weekend to get away. A change of scenery was nice for me. It helped me let my guard down a bit since I was in a town where I didn't know anyone. The last week or so I've been a bit paranoid. I feel that everyone knows my story (even though they don't) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have no idea why I feel this way. If you know me, then you know that I HATE to be the center of attention. I hate eyes on me. I like to blend in with everyone else. This experience has definitely put the focus on me and the boys. While I'm thankful in so many ways, it's also brought about some uncomfortable feelings as far as the attention thing goes. So, being in a town where I didn't have a chance to run into anyone I knew was good for me.
I'm so thankful for down time. My boys are both in school and this allows me time during the day to just be. Last night was so emotional for me so today was spent doing a lot of nothing. I am grateful that I have this alone time right now and I acknowledge that some are not given this luxury. This allows me time to cry, think, pray, rest or whatever I need to do so that when 3:00 comes, I am able to get my boys and put the happy face on. I can't imagine if I had a baby to take care of at this moment. I sometimes feel it's a challenge to just take care of myself. Thank you Lord for allowing me time during the day to take care of me so that the rest of the day can be spent taking care of them.
I'm working on how to balance out the emotions I let the boys see. I want them to see me cry. I believe it shows them that crying is okay. It's a must actually. However, I don't want to over do it because then they worry. My sweet boys worry about me and I can tell Hudson gets upset when he sees me cry. It's definitely something I am working on and paying attention to. There are moments in the mornings when I just lose it.....but I'm able to hide it by pretending to look for something in a closet or turn my head while I pack lunches. I miss kissing Jason before he leaves for work and I miss the reassurance that he will be home again in the evening. I miss my former life.
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13
Our second night as a family of 3 went better than last night. It might have helped that we spent a good amount of the afternoon at the park- enjoying the beautiful weather. The boys ran and played, they chased ducks, they climbed rocks......for a brief moment they were 5 and 8 without a care in the world. I called in Chilis to go and brought it home. I allowed them to watch the new Clone Wars season 3 DVD that they just got while we ate. It's not something Jason and I would typically allow but it filled the void that I didn't have the mental energy to deal with tonight. I think I needed some distraction from the obvious and it seemed that the boys welcomed it as well. They were tired from a long day and neither fussed when it was time for bed.
Hudson started pressing hard with some details of Jason's death. Did I see his surgery? Did I see him die? Where is he buried? When can we see his grave site? These are some tough questions for me because unfortunately the answers really suck. There are details that I feel are too specific for his sweet, innocent little heart. My boys have no idea that their daddy was cremated. It will be years I'm sure before I am able to have that conversation with them. In the meantime, I hope/plan to skate over the details and remain very vague about it. Please pray that Hudson will accept my answers and not press further. I don't like lying to him about it. I'm just protecting him right now. I'm at a loss really on what the best thing to say or do with these questions. Hopefully once we start counseling, I can get some insight on how to handle this.
I continue to be humbled by the sweet friends that check in on me daily. I get numerous texts, emails and Facebook messages with friends (or even people that don't know me) checking in or telling me they still pray. Friends, I can't tell you how much that means to me. It's wonderful to know that Jason isn't forgotten and that people still care that the boys are I are hurting. Thank you so much for loving us!
This past weekend, the boys went camping with Jason's stepdad. They had a blast and it was a great distraction for them. My mom and I went to Granbury for the weekend to get away. A change of scenery was nice for me. It helped me let my guard down a bit since I was in a town where I didn't know anyone. The last week or so I've been a bit paranoid. I feel that everyone knows my story (even though they don't) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have no idea why I feel this way. If you know me, then you know that I HATE to be the center of attention. I hate eyes on me. I like to blend in with everyone else. This experience has definitely put the focus on me and the boys. While I'm thankful in so many ways, it's also brought about some uncomfortable feelings as far as the attention thing goes. So, being in a town where I didn't have a chance to run into anyone I knew was good for me.
I'm so thankful for down time. My boys are both in school and this allows me time during the day to just be. Last night was so emotional for me so today was spent doing a lot of nothing. I am grateful that I have this alone time right now and I acknowledge that some are not given this luxury. This allows me time to cry, think, pray, rest or whatever I need to do so that when 3:00 comes, I am able to get my boys and put the happy face on. I can't imagine if I had a baby to take care of at this moment. I sometimes feel it's a challenge to just take care of myself. Thank you Lord for allowing me time during the day to take care of me so that the rest of the day can be spent taking care of them.
I'm working on how to balance out the emotions I let the boys see. I want them to see me cry. I believe it shows them that crying is okay. It's a must actually. However, I don't want to over do it because then they worry. My sweet boys worry about me and I can tell Hudson gets upset when he sees me cry. It's definitely something I am working on and paying attention to. There are moments in the mornings when I just lose it.....but I'm able to hide it by pretending to look for something in a closet or turn my head while I pack lunches. I miss kissing Jason before he leaves for work and I miss the reassurance that he will be home again in the evening. I miss my former life.
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Today I Feel......
* Overwhelmed. The thought of being a single parent and doing everything on my own completely overwhelms me. I never thought I'd be doing this alone. Jason and I both come from divorced families and it's one thing we talked about a LOT before getting married. We would do it once. For better or worse. No exceptions. Yet here I find myself, 35 years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Even though I'm blessed with so many family members and friends that are willing to help, at the end of the day it's up to ME to raise these boys.
* Scared. Completely scared about my life. While I pray daily and ask God to take care of the boys and me, the unknown really scares me. It's super easy to quote all the scriptures and ramble on about how God is in control, it's a different thing all together when it's your life that has been turned upside down. It's a weird thing because at times I do feel that God has me in the palm of his hands. Sometimes I feel lost at sea and really uncertain about my future. If you know me, you know that change is really hard for me. I've never experienced a change this big and it scares me.
* Cheated. Yep, I feel cheated. You see, 11.5 years ago when I said "I do" I had plans of a long life with Jason. We had dreams. We have things that we talked about doing that we will never get to do together. Even though Jason is in heaven (and I'm really happy for him) , I feel cheated that I'm left here....consumed by the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared and alone.
* Sad. Sounds kind of obvious but I am just that. Sad. I don't know that there is ever a good time to lose someone but the holidays have always been such a fun and special time for our family. I'd love to just fast forward the next 2 months. I know that wouldn't be fair to the boys but just thinking about getting Christmas things out just about sends me over the edge. How can I bear to wake up on Christmas morning without him here? That's when I remind myself that I can't think that far down the road. It's literally hour by hour around here. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me panic.
* Tired. I'm not sleeping great. I manage to fall asleep pretty fast but I am having really weird dreams. Although I don't really remember them when I wake up, I do think most of them are about Jason and are medical. I tend to wake up well before my alarm goes off and I'm just exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Tonight was our first night to eat dinner here, just the 3 of us. A sweet friend from church brought us dinner. I was getting our plates made and I asked Hudson to please get 3 forks and napkins out and on the table. He said "why not 4?" We just kind of stared at each other. The empty seat at the dinner table was like the elephant in the room. We were all trying to avoid looking at it. This does not seem right. I hate the number 3.
After brushing teeth and getting ready for bed, I sent Hudson in his room to practice spelling on the laptop while I was putting Cooper down. I asked him to choose a book and he went to his bookshelf and chose his scrapbook from his 3's preschool class. My heart sank the minute he handed it to me. There is a "daddy and me" page and I was dreading it. Mid way through the book, we got to that page and we both looked at the huge picture of Jason and Cooper. I watched Cooper's expression and saw the sadness in his eyes, I begged the Lord to please help me be strong. I wanted to yell at him for taking him from us but I managed to keep it together. While tucking him in and saying prayers, Cooper started to talk about how much he misses his dad. He has a harder time verbalizing his emotions but tonight he was able to express his feelings. The other day he told me that he was worried that something would happen to the rest of our family. He said he was scared I would die. I can't even properly put into words the pain this causes me. This only adds to the fears I have. I am so worried/scared about my physical health and safety. I'm the only parent left. Did I mention that I'm overwhelmed?
Hudson has said on several occasions that he wants to die so he can go to heaven. He doesn't say this in a suicidal way. He just knows that the only way to see Jason is to get to heaven. I don't blame him. I feel the same way (in a non suicidal way)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
* Scared. Completely scared about my life. While I pray daily and ask God to take care of the boys and me, the unknown really scares me. It's super easy to quote all the scriptures and ramble on about how God is in control, it's a different thing all together when it's your life that has been turned upside down. It's a weird thing because at times I do feel that God has me in the palm of his hands. Sometimes I feel lost at sea and really uncertain about my future. If you know me, you know that change is really hard for me. I've never experienced a change this big and it scares me.
* Cheated. Yep, I feel cheated. You see, 11.5 years ago when I said "I do" I had plans of a long life with Jason. We had dreams. We have things that we talked about doing that we will never get to do together. Even though Jason is in heaven (and I'm really happy for him) , I feel cheated that I'm left here....consumed by the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared and alone.
* Sad. Sounds kind of obvious but I am just that. Sad. I don't know that there is ever a good time to lose someone but the holidays have always been such a fun and special time for our family. I'd love to just fast forward the next 2 months. I know that wouldn't be fair to the boys but just thinking about getting Christmas things out just about sends me over the edge. How can I bear to wake up on Christmas morning without him here? That's when I remind myself that I can't think that far down the road. It's literally hour by hour around here. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me panic.
* Tired. I'm not sleeping great. I manage to fall asleep pretty fast but I am having really weird dreams. Although I don't really remember them when I wake up, I do think most of them are about Jason and are medical. I tend to wake up well before my alarm goes off and I'm just exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Tonight was our first night to eat dinner here, just the 3 of us. A sweet friend from church brought us dinner. I was getting our plates made and I asked Hudson to please get 3 forks and napkins out and on the table. He said "why not 4?" We just kind of stared at each other. The empty seat at the dinner table was like the elephant in the room. We were all trying to avoid looking at it. This does not seem right. I hate the number 3.
After brushing teeth and getting ready for bed, I sent Hudson in his room to practice spelling on the laptop while I was putting Cooper down. I asked him to choose a book and he went to his bookshelf and chose his scrapbook from his 3's preschool class. My heart sank the minute he handed it to me. There is a "daddy and me" page and I was dreading it. Mid way through the book, we got to that page and we both looked at the huge picture of Jason and Cooper. I watched Cooper's expression and saw the sadness in his eyes, I begged the Lord to please help me be strong. I wanted to yell at him for taking him from us but I managed to keep it together. While tucking him in and saying prayers, Cooper started to talk about how much he misses his dad. He has a harder time verbalizing his emotions but tonight he was able to express his feelings. The other day he told me that he was worried that something would happen to the rest of our family. He said he was scared I would die. I can't even properly put into words the pain this causes me. This only adds to the fears I have. I am so worried/scared about my physical health and safety. I'm the only parent left. Did I mention that I'm overwhelmed?
Hudson has said on several occasions that he wants to die so he can go to heaven. He doesn't say this in a suicidal way. He just knows that the only way to see Jason is to get to heaven. I don't blame him. I feel the same way (in a non suicidal way)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
Thursday, October 20, 2011
Still Here
I've made some good ground on the "business" front and feel like my to-do list is getting shorter and shorter each day. I'm feeling less overwhelmed now that I'm getting some things in order. A huge answer to prayers: they allowed me to get the contents of the safety deposit box on Wednesday. The old saying "it's all who you know" is so true. If it had not been for one sweet Branch Manager making a call to the other Chase location, I am pretty sure my documents would still be there. They would not allow me to take Jason's birth certificate though, which I thought was random, but I decided to not argue with that one since I'll probably never have a need for it. Unfortunately, everyone is interested in seeing a death certificate and I've yet had anyone ask me for his birth certificate. So, I took everything and left it behind. Huge weight lifted off my shoulders.
The boys are trucking along, although I do see some changes in both of them. Hudson tends to get really quiet, especially around bedtime. I can tell that his mind drifts off to Jason and he gets sad. He's been asking some pretty tough questions......questions that I don't really have answers for. I can't even put into words how hard it is to hear your child cry and beg for their daddy. To even say "rips your heart out" is an understatement. I'm a fixer. I want to fix things for them and this is something that I simply can not fix. Last night he asked me why daddy can't call us from heaven. Cooper is crazy emotional. Seriously, this child is breaking down all the time. It's really sending me over the edge since my emotional state is obviously less than where it usually is. He gets weepy, is throwing fits and cries at the drop of a hat. I know he is processing this death in his own way so I'm trying hard to be patient for him. Most times when he gets upset, there is very little I can do to console him. I'm exhausted most evenings just trying to keep him at bay. Please continue to pray for these sweet boys. They have lost something so precious to them. Jason was a very involved dad so this is making it that much harder.
As for me, I continue to have a mixture of feelings throughout the day. Early mornings are by far the worst for me. I wake up and my heart immediately pounds almost out of my chest. I instantly realize this is not a dream. It's my life, my reality. Thankfully I have a hundred things to do right after I get up so my morning does not usually allow for time to sit and think. My mom is still here with me, helping me finish things up. I've only spent one night alone (my choice) so I do understand that the full reality has not hit me yet. Evenings come and I'm so tired that I usually fall asleep pretty quick. I'm thankful for that.
I often feel God speaking to me. It's weird....I will randomly start singing some church song in my head and then I really focus on the words. It's like God is telling me something. I try to find comfort and view this as a "conversation" between me and God.
Family and friends continue to be such an amazing support system for me. Every day I'm blown away at how many people love our family. Jason had NO idea how much he was loved. I think that is so very sad. Honestly, I think we are all guilty of not showing or telling people how much we really love them. This has shown me to make sure I tell people how special they are to me. We never know if or when we will get the chance to do that. Go tell someone how special they are to you!
The boys are trucking along, although I do see some changes in both of them. Hudson tends to get really quiet, especially around bedtime. I can tell that his mind drifts off to Jason and he gets sad. He's been asking some pretty tough questions......questions that I don't really have answers for. I can't even put into words how hard it is to hear your child cry and beg for their daddy. To even say "rips your heart out" is an understatement. I'm a fixer. I want to fix things for them and this is something that I simply can not fix. Last night he asked me why daddy can't call us from heaven. Cooper is crazy emotional. Seriously, this child is breaking down all the time. It's really sending me over the edge since my emotional state is obviously less than where it usually is. He gets weepy, is throwing fits and cries at the drop of a hat. I know he is processing this death in his own way so I'm trying hard to be patient for him. Most times when he gets upset, there is very little I can do to console him. I'm exhausted most evenings just trying to keep him at bay. Please continue to pray for these sweet boys. They have lost something so precious to them. Jason was a very involved dad so this is making it that much harder.
As for me, I continue to have a mixture of feelings throughout the day. Early mornings are by far the worst for me. I wake up and my heart immediately pounds almost out of my chest. I instantly realize this is not a dream. It's my life, my reality. Thankfully I have a hundred things to do right after I get up so my morning does not usually allow for time to sit and think. My mom is still here with me, helping me finish things up. I've only spent one night alone (my choice) so I do understand that the full reality has not hit me yet. Evenings come and I'm so tired that I usually fall asleep pretty quick. I'm thankful for that.
I often feel God speaking to me. It's weird....I will randomly start singing some church song in my head and then I really focus on the words. It's like God is telling me something. I try to find comfort and view this as a "conversation" between me and God.
Family and friends continue to be such an amazing support system for me. Every day I'm blown away at how many people love our family. Jason had NO idea how much he was loved. I think that is so very sad. Honestly, I think we are all guilty of not showing or telling people how much we really love them. This has shown me to make sure I tell people how special they are to me. We never know if or when we will get the chance to do that. Go tell someone how special they are to you!
Monday, October 17, 2011
Blessed
Trying to find blessings in all of this mess. All day today, I've tried to think about ways I've been blessed since Jason died. Here are some things that come to mind:
- if Jason had not taken himself to the hospital that day, he would have more than likely come home and died in front of us. I can't even wrap my brain around that and how much worse that would have been for us.
- right when I got to the hospital, Jason and I had some time to talk. We talked, prayed, hugged and kissed..... we had that final conversation that noone should have to have. I have a ton of peace because of things that were spoken that day. So thankful that "I love you" was the last thing we got to say to each other
- Jason was able to call the boys before going into surgery. While he kept it lighthearted (I honestly think he felt he would survive) he was able to tell them that he loved them and was proud of them. I know that many people don't get that chance.
- We never had to watch him suffer. I hear of stories all the time where people are forced to watch their loved one wither away and suffer. While the shock of how fast this all happened was a huge blow, I can honestly say I'm thankful that he didn't suffer.
- Family- Jason and I have great families that are helping me in ways that only they can.
- Friends- we are blessed with amazing friends. I can't even begin to tell you all the ways that I've been blessed. We have had people mow our grass, bring us food, raise money for medical bills, etc......
- Strangers- I've been contacted by people that I don't even know telling me how much they are praying for our family. I'm very touched by this.
- Prayers- I know without a doubt that prayers are the only thing that has carried me up to this point.
- I'm thankful for 12.5 years together. While I feel our time was cut short, I know that some people don't even get that together.
- I'm thankful for grace and the promise of Heaven one day. I am so extremely happy for Jason. He doesn't have to work, he won't ever be sick, or worried or scared.
I got a card in the mail the other day and I loved what the front said: Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts a shadow of our burden behind us.
Saturday, October 15, 2011
the circus and stuff
Most of yesterday was spent taking care of business type things. I won't go into a ton of details here but basically Jason had a safety deposit box (that was free each month as part of the premium checking account he had) and Chase will not let me have the contents of the box. It took several hours to be granted permission to even search the box but nothing could be removed. Every original important document we own is in there- birth certificates, titles to our cars, SS cards, passports, etc..... Because I didn't go with Jason when he opened it up, I'm not listed on the account. Even though the checking account clearly lists me as the beneficiary, I have no rights at this point. Please pray that this situation can be resolved soon. I will have to meet with a probate lawyer to get this resolved. A few of those documents are needed really soon since I have some meetings that will require them. To say this is frustrating is a huge understatement.
Call me weird but I've always been drawn to stories where someone has lost a spouse. When you are in the blog world people often share blog addresses while asking for prayers and lots of times I would bookmark those blogs and check in on them from time to time. I would read and get wrapped up in their pain, in their stories. I probably have 5-6 still bookmarked on my computer in the study of men and women that lost a spouse. I can't help but wonder if God had me do that intentionally. Did he want me to see and hear their pain so that today I could know that what I'm feeling is normal? Did he want me to see that families are still putting one foot in front of the other and actually making it? Was he trying to show me that there is hope? I do know that no matter how well I listened to their story, I never could imagine the amount of hurt they were feeling. You can't even begin to describe it.
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Mom and I took a break while the lady at Chase was trying to figure out if I could even go in and take a look at the contents of the box. We stayed close and ran into Panara Bread to eat really fast. I ran into a mom and daughter that I knew several years ago- the daughter was in the class I student taught in and the mom paid me for almost a year to private tutor her daughter. That sweet second grader is now all grown up and a beautiful college student. Wonderful to see them but depressing that I had to quickly recap my last week to them because they wanted to know what had been going on in my life. About 5 minutes later, I saw a former teacher that I taught school with right when I began teaching. I didn't know her well- she taught kinder while I taught second grade but she seemed like a super sweet person. I eventually left that school and lost touch with her. I've always thought about her though because she lost her teen daughter the same day I had Hudson. They were driving together when a drunk driver caused them to lose control of the car. I remember 8.5 years ago feeling so guilty because I was rejoicing while she was heartbroken. Every March on or around Hudson's birthday I've thought and prayed for her because I imagined how hard that time of year was for her. She had heard about Jason and came over to hug me and talk for a few minutes. We talked about the pain, the shock, the waves of emotions you feel when someone dies. She then began to tell me about her son who is married and his wife just had their third child. His wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer while pregnant with this third child. They began treaments and took the baby a little early but thankfully the baby is doing well. All of a sudden, I asked her some details (are their names this, did they work and live here,etc......) and made the quick realization that I had stumbled somehow on her son's church website where they were giving updates on his wife. I had bookmarked this site and almost every day since I found it I would look for updates and pray for this sweet family. I thought this was so weird that this ended up being her son. Crazy small world. But how wonderful is this blog world where we can share our lives and pray for each other? I know that many have stumbled on mine and are praying for us. Thank you for that. I know that running into this old friend today was not just by chance. God once again is showing me that their is hope and people do survive.
We took the boys to the circus last night. A friend of Jason's gave us box seats last year and again this year. The boys were really excited to go again. It was wonderful to see the smiles and excitment in their eyes. They continue to do so well. I couldn't help but look around and watch all the sweet families there. I had to wonder- do they even know how lucky they are? I think back to just 11 days ago. Did I know how lucky I was?
Call me weird but I've always been drawn to stories where someone has lost a spouse. When you are in the blog world people often share blog addresses while asking for prayers and lots of times I would bookmark those blogs and check in on them from time to time. I would read and get wrapped up in their pain, in their stories. I probably have 5-6 still bookmarked on my computer in the study of men and women that lost a spouse. I can't help but wonder if God had me do that intentionally. Did he want me to see and hear their pain so that today I could know that what I'm feeling is normal? Did he want me to see that families are still putting one foot in front of the other and actually making it? Was he trying to show me that there is hope? I do know that no matter how well I listened to their story, I never could imagine the amount of hurt they were feeling. You can't even begin to describe it.
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Mom and I took a break while the lady at Chase was trying to figure out if I could even go in and take a look at the contents of the box. We stayed close and ran into Panara Bread to eat really fast. I ran into a mom and daughter that I knew several years ago- the daughter was in the class I student taught in and the mom paid me for almost a year to private tutor her daughter. That sweet second grader is now all grown up and a beautiful college student. Wonderful to see them but depressing that I had to quickly recap my last week to them because they wanted to know what had been going on in my life. About 5 minutes later, I saw a former teacher that I taught school with right when I began teaching. I didn't know her well- she taught kinder while I taught second grade but she seemed like a super sweet person. I eventually left that school and lost touch with her. I've always thought about her though because she lost her teen daughter the same day I had Hudson. They were driving together when a drunk driver caused them to lose control of the car. I remember 8.5 years ago feeling so guilty because I was rejoicing while she was heartbroken. Every March on or around Hudson's birthday I've thought and prayed for her because I imagined how hard that time of year was for her. She had heard about Jason and came over to hug me and talk for a few minutes. We talked about the pain, the shock, the waves of emotions you feel when someone dies. She then began to tell me about her son who is married and his wife just had their third child. His wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer while pregnant with this third child. They began treaments and took the baby a little early but thankfully the baby is doing well. All of a sudden, I asked her some details (are their names this, did they work and live here,etc......) and made the quick realization that I had stumbled somehow on her son's church website where they were giving updates on his wife. I had bookmarked this site and almost every day since I found it I would look for updates and pray for this sweet family. I thought this was so weird that this ended up being her son. Crazy small world. But how wonderful is this blog world where we can share our lives and pray for each other? I know that many have stumbled on mine and are praying for us. Thank you for that. I know that running into this old friend today was not just by chance. God once again is showing me that their is hope and people do survive.
We took the boys to the circus last night. A friend of Jason's gave us box seats last year and again this year. The boys were really excited to go again. It was wonderful to see the smiles and excitment in their eyes. They continue to do so well. I couldn't help but look around and watch all the sweet families there. I had to wonder- do they even know how lucky they are? I think back to just 11 days ago. Did I know how lucky I was?
Thursday, October 13, 2011
another day
Shock is wearing off. Reality is setting in. Ugh, not ready for the stages of grief that are headed my way. Someone told me today that I'd soon be entering the mad stage. I've had bouts of questioning- wondering why God didn't answer my plea- but I can honestly say that I'm not mad. Not yet anyways. I really pray that I never get there. I don't want bitterness in my heart.
Every day since Jason died we have had a list a mile long of things to do. Today was no different. I look forward to the weekend, when I can't make phone calls or take care of "business." I really need a day to just be. I've been fortunate to have an amazing support system and people like my sister to take charge and make phone calls or do things that I haven't had the energy to do.
We've had so many people offer to bring us meals. What a lifesaver! Last night we didn't have anyone signed up to come so mom and I decide to order a pizza. Jason and I have always ordered from Mr. Jims. We live really close to one and for the last 11 years, Jason and I have been pretty regular customers. We don't eat out a ton but we would often let Friday nights be a night off in the kitchen for me and just enjoy a pizza. Most of the time, Jason would call it in on his way home and pick it up before he got here. This particular Mr. Jims is owned (or managed) by a really nice guy named Todd. Probably about the same age as Jason. They would talk and shoot the breeze and pretty much every time he would come home with pizza he would tell me that Todd would say "hey Jason" and they would talk. This always made Jason feel good that they recognized him and knew him by name. So, I called in the pizza and went to the drive-thru to pick it up. They came to the window and handed me the pizza. I handed him some cash but the guy wouldn't take it. He said "its the least we could do." I noticed Todd standing behind him and these guys stared at me with such sadness. They knew about Jason's death. Such a small gesture but it really touched me. Once again showing me how Jason touched so many people even in the smallest of situations.
I didn't sleep well last night. I had all kinds of weird and crazy dreams. Today I'm exhausted. I had zero appetite this morning and all day I've dreaded the call from the funeral home. Mom and I made a run to the grocery store and ran a few errands and then made the dreaded trip. I filled out a few forms and then was handed a reusable shopping bag. Inside, were the keepsake urns and the ashes. I couldn't even reach my hand out to grab the bag. My mom carried it for me and we walked in complete silence back to the car. So hard to realize that my 6 foot husband was inside that bag. So surreal. And so unfair.
I've had several people tell me that they were so touched by Jason's service. These people have sent me private messages just telling me that they were inspired to be better because of him. That makes my heart so happy. At least I don't feel that this was for nothing. The other day I had someone say something like "why couldn't God have taken a deadbeat dad or someone that abused his wife instead of taking an amazing person like Jason?" My response was "because very few people would have cared and lives would not have been changed." I have to tell myself that good will somehow come from this.
I've seen God's hand all over our family in regards to this situation.......even long before Jason's death.
Every day since Jason died we have had a list a mile long of things to do. Today was no different. I look forward to the weekend, when I can't make phone calls or take care of "business." I really need a day to just be. I've been fortunate to have an amazing support system and people like my sister to take charge and make phone calls or do things that I haven't had the energy to do.
We've had so many people offer to bring us meals. What a lifesaver! Last night we didn't have anyone signed up to come so mom and I decide to order a pizza. Jason and I have always ordered from Mr. Jims. We live really close to one and for the last 11 years, Jason and I have been pretty regular customers. We don't eat out a ton but we would often let Friday nights be a night off in the kitchen for me and just enjoy a pizza. Most of the time, Jason would call it in on his way home and pick it up before he got here. This particular Mr. Jims is owned (or managed) by a really nice guy named Todd. Probably about the same age as Jason. They would talk and shoot the breeze and pretty much every time he would come home with pizza he would tell me that Todd would say "hey Jason" and they would talk. This always made Jason feel good that they recognized him and knew him by name. So, I called in the pizza and went to the drive-thru to pick it up. They came to the window and handed me the pizza. I handed him some cash but the guy wouldn't take it. He said "its the least we could do." I noticed Todd standing behind him and these guys stared at me with such sadness. They knew about Jason's death. Such a small gesture but it really touched me. Once again showing me how Jason touched so many people even in the smallest of situations.
I didn't sleep well last night. I had all kinds of weird and crazy dreams. Today I'm exhausted. I had zero appetite this morning and all day I've dreaded the call from the funeral home. Mom and I made a run to the grocery store and ran a few errands and then made the dreaded trip. I filled out a few forms and then was handed a reusable shopping bag. Inside, were the keepsake urns and the ashes. I couldn't even reach my hand out to grab the bag. My mom carried it for me and we walked in complete silence back to the car. So hard to realize that my 6 foot husband was inside that bag. So surreal. And so unfair.
I've had several people tell me that they were so touched by Jason's service. These people have sent me private messages just telling me that they were inspired to be better because of him. That makes my heart so happy. At least I don't feel that this was for nothing. The other day I had someone say something like "why couldn't God have taken a deadbeat dad or someone that abused his wife instead of taking an amazing person like Jason?" My response was "because very few people would have cared and lives would not have been changed." I have to tell myself that good will somehow come from this.
I've seen God's hand all over our family in regards to this situation.......even long before Jason's death.
- This time last fall, we put our house on the market. Jason was working far and had a really long commute. He was getting home late and our family time was suffering because of it. We didn't really want to move but thought we should at least try to get closer. We listed our house, had tons of showings, lots of great feedback but no offers. We decided to pull it off the market around the holidays so that we could enjoy ourselves and not worry about the condition of the house all the time. We said we would relist it in February or so. In the spring, Jason got a new job......one that is 7 miles from our house. At the time we were so thankful our house never sold. I'm SOOO thankful it didn't sell because this is the only house we've had together and we've created a life here. We have good neighbors, a church home, a wonderful school for the kids. All of those things would have changed if we had moved. God watched over our family and made sure we stayed put. He was protecting me.
- About a month ago, Jason decided he was ready for a new car. He was ready to trade in the 10 year old Accord and get something newer. We found "the car of his dreams" and went to Dallas to look at it. He fell in love immediately and we bought it that day. It had been a lease car and they had just gotten it the day before. It needed to be detailed and had a few scratches on the outside that they were willing to fix for us. They allowed us to take the car home over the weekend and we planned to drop it off on Monday for a day or two so that they could make it brand new for us. We drove the car back on Monday and on our way there I noticed that the inspection sticker was going to expire in about 2 weeks. Jason asked them if they could take care of it, which they happily agreed to. On Tues, Jason got a call that the car didn't pass inspection and there were some pretty big electrical issues. We talked about it and ultimately he didn't feel good about it so we backed out of making the purchase final. We decided we'd keep looking until we found another just like it. Wow, God was protecting me that day. Both of our cars are currently paid for. If we had bought this car, I would have been stuck with a huge car payment and a painful reminder of a car he had dreamed of for a long time that he never got the chance to enjoy. Thank you Lord for that protection.
- In the early summer, I was wanting to plan another vacation for our family. We had taken the boys to San Diego back in March for their birthdays and had a blast at Legoland, the San Diego Zoo and California in general. I knew since we had just done a big trip that Jason probably wouldn't be up for us doing anything during the summer. I got online and starting looking at a cruise in December. I proposed the idea and he thought it sounded good but needed to check with work first. He came home the next day or so and told me that work was discouraging people from taking vacation during Nov and Dec because of tax season. He said "let's plan something before school starts back for the boys." I got online and started looking for places we could go at the last minute, a place that was within driving distance, and somewhere we had never been before. I decided on Gulf Shores- we had a blast at the beach and even stayed at a campsite one night. It was a wonderful trip........our last family trip. So thankful that God orchestrated that for us. Lots of amazing memories were made that week.
I'm avoiding the closet. When I absolutely have to go in there, I sort of set my eyes towards the left and look directly at my things. I can't bear to see all his shirts hanging up and all the things that were placed there by him. On the floor is the white bag from the hospital that contains the last set of clothes he ever wore. I guess I'll know when I'm ready to go in there and face all that.
The boys are continuing to do well. Cooper seems to be much more emotional than he normally is but they haven't had any huge cry sessions over the death in the last few days. I tend to analyze this. Is it because we've kept them so busy? Is it because they still don't fully get it? Probably a little of both. I'm so scared that the boys will forget him. Especially Cooper. He's 5.5 and it breaks my heart to think he might not ever remember his dad. I'm going to try my best to keep his memory alive. We talk about him every single day and always will.
I booked an appointment for Dec for us to attend an orientation at a nearby grief center. They have evening therapy session for families (kids attend one while parents attend another) and I've heard great things about this place. While I can't say I'm excited about it, I can say that I'm happy to get the boys into something so that I make sure they are coping and that I'm helping them heal.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27
So thankful for sweet friends that send me verses when I don't have the strength to search.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
Hello
It's been a long time since I've blogged. Life sure has changed a lot since my last post. In case you've never read my blog before: Hi, I'm Jennifer.......wife to Jason and mom to Hudson and Cooper. My husband, Jason, passed away a week ago today. I guess this will serve as my form of "therapy" for a while. My sister encouraged my oldest son to journal his thoughts so today I decided to do the same for myself.
I don't have the emotional energy tonight to go into detail of my husband's death. I will though, just so that I can walk myself through those 2 days and fully process everything that happened. For now, I'll just start with today.
Today (like all the others) has been a mixture of emotions. One minute I feel such peace. Peace that I know only comes from God. The next minute I feel so completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I have 2 sons to raise. Happy. Happy that my husband is in heaven. Jealous. Jealous that my husband is in heaven. Pissed. Pissed that my husband is in heaven. See the roller coaster ride of emotions? This has been what the last 7 days have been like for me.
Yesterday I spent some time with my financial planner. Let me first say this: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A WILL, GET ONE TODAY. I can't even fathom how overwhelmed I would be if Jason and I had not had a will. DO NOT put it off. My husband was 40, in the best shape of his life, did not smoke, exercised 3 times a week and weighed 177 pounds when he died. I cooked almost every meal we ate. We ate very healthy. There were no warning signs. This too could be your reality.
Today I spent some time making phone calls to various companies to have Jason's name removed from our accounts. This has been extremely painful. I feel like I'm erasing him from our family. I don't want just my name there. We've been married for over 11 years and it's always been Jason and Jennifer. How in the world did I get here?
The early morning and late at night are the hardest for me. In the morning, my eyes open and my heart immediately begins to pound out of my chest. This is not a dream. This is my reality, my living nightmare. The daytime has been somewhat bearable......one because my mom is here but also because I'm kind of use to being alone or doing my own thing during the day since I'm a stay at home mom. Evenings are hard. This is when Jason would come home and things were whole. We would eat dinner together. Talk. The boys would all wrestle. Build Lego's. Make memories. Jason and I would take turns each night with the boys. One night I'd put Cooper down while Jason put Hudson down and the next night we'd flip flop. We would read, talk and pray with the boys. It gave us some alone time with each of them. I'm so thankful that we had that routine but again, overwhelmed that now it's just me. Once my mom leaves, I try to envision what my nights after the boys go to bed will look like. I feel my blood pressure rising at the thought of it. I always told Jason that I never slept good when he wasn't home. And that was the truth. But I would tell him how wonderful it was to have the entire bed to myself and to not listen to his snoring.....but I'd endure constant snoring and no part of the bed to have him back. Weird that some of the things that annoyed me are the things I miss most.
The funeral guy called me today. Really sweet guy but he started the conversation out "hello, the cremation has been done and the urns are ready to be picked up." Sorry, but this sent me into full on cry mode. Although I was comfortable with the choice to cremate (we discussed this prior to his death) it still hurt really bad to hear the words that it had taken place. One more thing to remind me that this is real.
The boys have had their moments (usually morning and night like me) but I would say that today was a good day for them. They started back to school on Tuesday and I can't even begin to say how awesome the staff has been to us. When we first met the boys' teachers, Jason and I felt so good about them. It just felt right. I 100% know that God's hand was all over the placement in the classes. They are both amazing and are loving on my boys when I can't be there. Hudson's class put a HUGE basket together with Lego kits, star wars stuff, books, movies, treats and a sweet book about what the students loved about him. They were so excited to get home and open it up. It was really the first time in the last week that I saw and heard the normal laughs and smiles.
All day, I've had the words from the song "No Tears in Heaven" playing around in my head. It was one of the songs we sang at his service and one that I picked because it gives me great peace to know that there are no tears there. He isn't sad. If given the chance, he wouldn't come back and I honestly wouldn't expect him too. I've always known that this is not our home and that we really are just passing through. This past week has made that more evident to me. I just wish this had been his home a little longer.
I don't have the emotional energy tonight to go into detail of my husband's death. I will though, just so that I can walk myself through those 2 days and fully process everything that happened. For now, I'll just start with today.
Today (like all the others) has been a mixture of emotions. One minute I feel such peace. Peace that I know only comes from God. The next minute I feel so completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I have 2 sons to raise. Happy. Happy that my husband is in heaven. Jealous. Jealous that my husband is in heaven. Pissed. Pissed that my husband is in heaven. See the roller coaster ride of emotions? This has been what the last 7 days have been like for me.
Yesterday I spent some time with my financial planner. Let me first say this: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A WILL, GET ONE TODAY. I can't even fathom how overwhelmed I would be if Jason and I had not had a will. DO NOT put it off. My husband was 40, in the best shape of his life, did not smoke, exercised 3 times a week and weighed 177 pounds when he died. I cooked almost every meal we ate. We ate very healthy. There were no warning signs. This too could be your reality.
Today I spent some time making phone calls to various companies to have Jason's name removed from our accounts. This has been extremely painful. I feel like I'm erasing him from our family. I don't want just my name there. We've been married for over 11 years and it's always been Jason and Jennifer. How in the world did I get here?
The early morning and late at night are the hardest for me. In the morning, my eyes open and my heart immediately begins to pound out of my chest. This is not a dream. This is my reality, my living nightmare. The daytime has been somewhat bearable......one because my mom is here but also because I'm kind of use to being alone or doing my own thing during the day since I'm a stay at home mom. Evenings are hard. This is when Jason would come home and things were whole. We would eat dinner together. Talk. The boys would all wrestle. Build Lego's. Make memories. Jason and I would take turns each night with the boys. One night I'd put Cooper down while Jason put Hudson down and the next night we'd flip flop. We would read, talk and pray with the boys. It gave us some alone time with each of them. I'm so thankful that we had that routine but again, overwhelmed that now it's just me. Once my mom leaves, I try to envision what my nights after the boys go to bed will look like. I feel my blood pressure rising at the thought of it. I always told Jason that I never slept good when he wasn't home. And that was the truth. But I would tell him how wonderful it was to have the entire bed to myself and to not listen to his snoring.....but I'd endure constant snoring and no part of the bed to have him back. Weird that some of the things that annoyed me are the things I miss most.
The funeral guy called me today. Really sweet guy but he started the conversation out "hello, the cremation has been done and the urns are ready to be picked up." Sorry, but this sent me into full on cry mode. Although I was comfortable with the choice to cremate (we discussed this prior to his death) it still hurt really bad to hear the words that it had taken place. One more thing to remind me that this is real.
The boys have had their moments (usually morning and night like me) but I would say that today was a good day for them. They started back to school on Tuesday and I can't even begin to say how awesome the staff has been to us. When we first met the boys' teachers, Jason and I felt so good about them. It just felt right. I 100% know that God's hand was all over the placement in the classes. They are both amazing and are loving on my boys when I can't be there. Hudson's class put a HUGE basket together with Lego kits, star wars stuff, books, movies, treats and a sweet book about what the students loved about him. They were so excited to get home and open it up. It was really the first time in the last week that I saw and heard the normal laughs and smiles.
All day, I've had the words from the song "No Tears in Heaven" playing around in my head. It was one of the songs we sang at his service and one that I picked because it gives me great peace to know that there are no tears there. He isn't sad. If given the chance, he wouldn't come back and I honestly wouldn't expect him too. I've always known that this is not our home and that we really are just passing through. This past week has made that more evident to me. I just wish this had been his home a little longer.
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