Letting Go

Being in Jackson Hole brought so many emotions out for me- excitement, sadness, anticipation, dread........  Even though I promised myself that I'd have a wonderful time soaking up the beautiful scenery, I still knew in the back of my mind that I was there for a reason.

On Sunday, we headed towards the Grand Teton National Park where we planned to hike similar trails that Jason and I hiked on our trip. I had written the names of trails and waterfalls down in my scrapbook so this allowed me to make sure we were going to the right places.  That morning I prayed and asked God to just show me exactly where I needed to let him go.  Driving there, I really had no idea where that would be.  I just had peace that I'd know once I saw it.  

We spent a large part of the day hiking and enjoying a break from the crazy Texas heat.  We hiked up and down trails....and we even ran into a moose on our path.  That was pretty cool.  We hiked up to waterfalls and just took in every bit of the beauty that was before us.  I felt completely in His grip that day.

I came across a neat bridge with a creek running through it.  It had a small area for us to stand that was off the beaten path and I knew it would be a perfect place to spread the ashes.  I let his sister and dad go first while I took some pictures.  Then it was my turn.  I had prayed over his ashes that morning in my room and I still managed to feel really connected to Jason.  I knelt down and poured him into the water.  Obviously I had already let the physical Jason go 9 months ago but this was symbolic for me because I was letting go of him, of that life, of that part of my heart, of the guilt I've carried for wanting to move forward and live life, and all the other things that have weighed on my heart since he died.  I felt a huge amount of sadness but I also felt free. I fully gave myself permission to say goodbye that day.

 Hannah and I wore our "red shirt stand up" shirts that were made in his honor.

 The bridge (located on the way to Inspiration Point at Jenny Lake)

The Trip: Intro

I am home now from a really amazing trip.  I'll probably blog about the trip over a few posts.  I'm emotionally drained from the whole thing but I want to journal while it's fresh so that I don't forget anything.  

For those of you that know me.....you know that I'm a very nervous flyer.  I love to travel but getting there is another story.  I was thankful for the extra Xanax in my medicine closet.  It came quite handy on this trip!  The flight there was a bit jumpy....it usually is when you fly into the mountains.  I was doing great until about the last quarter of the flight.  I sat in my chair, Jeremy Camp playing through my ipod, as I stared down at the backpack between my feet.  Jason was inside.  How in the heck did this become my life?  So many moments over these several days were surreal for me.  This being one of them.  I never ever dreamed that I'd be making this trip alone or especially like this.  I couldn't control the tears.  

Before we even landed......I was in awe at the beauty below us and I was quickly reminded why Jason loved this place so much.  It really is heaven on Earth.  I felt an immediate peace about being there.  I knew several months ago when I started planning this trip that this was something I needed to do for me.  And I can honestly say that the entire trip served it's purpose for me.  

When Jason and I traveled here 13 years ago, I came home and made a scrapbook of our trip.  I took the scrapbook with me so that I could feel connected to him but also so that I could go to some of the same places.  I knew that I wanted to try and take some pictures in the same spots.  Here are a few:

 While hiking in the Grand Tetons, we climbed up to Inspiration Point that overlooks Jenny Lake.  

 Obviously the sign has been replaced.....but still same spot.

 Jason and I actually stayed at the original Old Faithful lodge.  This time, they were doing major reconstruction on it so the lobby and other areas were a bit of a mess. It was still pretty though.

With Jason's sister, Hannah....while Old Faithful was erupting in the background.  

I have hundreds of pictures that I want to share but not sure about the easiest way to do that. I may try to create some sort of slideshow instead of posting them individually here.  

The Trip

After Jason was cremated, I knew at some point that I'd want to spread his ashes somewhere. I started going through the list of some cool places we had vacationed together...Alaska, Kauai, St. Thomas/St. John .....and the moment I thought about our Wyoming/Montana trip I felt an immediate sense of peace. That was it. It was seriously one of his all time favorite places. I began to think about how and when all this would take place. I've mentioned before that it's been very hard having his ashes in my closet. Even though I have my small pewter heart urn on my nightstand and small urns set back for the boys....it was the big box that really tugged at my heart. It crushed me every time I thought about him being in there. It still just seems so wrong to me. I started praying about where and how and when I would spread them. I've never done this before so I tried to visualize how it would play out. God clearly spoke to me in terms of where and he also put on my heart that I needed to spread them on our anniversary- which is June 17. I told his family what I was planning and offered to let anyone that was willing or able to join me. His dad and sister decided they wanted to come too. I'm currently in Jackson Hole, Wyoming....where I've spent the last 4 days going back to many of the places we visited on our trip here 13 yrs ago. To say that I've experienced a range of emotions is an understatement. But I can say that healing is taking place for me. We spread his ashes on June 17 in a beautiful place in the Grand Tetons. I felt it was only appropriate to let Jason go in the same area that he technically became mine. Our love story started here but certainly doesn't end here. My love for him will continue to grow through my love for my boys.

A Little Q & A

I get lots of questions from friends or from people that leave comments on this blog so I thought I'd answer some of them here.

Question:  Do you plan to go back teaching full time?

Answer:  No.  I went part time after I had Hudson and then quit after having Cooper.  I currently teach preschool (out for summer right now though) on Tuesdays and Thursdays.  This is perfect for me because it gets me out and in a routine yet it allows me time to be here for the boys.  

Question:  How do your in-laws feel about you dating?

Answer:  My in-laws are amazing people.  They love the boys and me and they want us to be happy.  Of course, the timing was a tad unexpected (for me too!) but Shawn is no stranger to Jason's family.  Shawn and Jason lived together for several years between college and when we got married so Jason's family has known him for a long time.  They know what a great person he is and they love him too.  They are so happy that the boys have a wonderful Christian role model in their lives.  While no one can ever replace Jason, his family realizes that I have no choice but to continue to move forward with life.  Several family members and really close friends have said that if Jason could choose someone to love us.....that it would be Shawn.  This warms my heart in such a big way.

Question:  Do you think you will remarry one day?

Answer:  For sure.  I loved being married and I am 100% wired to be a wife and a mom.  God's plan and timing is perfect and I have fully handed it over to Him.  

Question:  Do you guys see a therapist?

Answer:  We currently attend the Warm Place every other week.  I am trying to gauge if/when the boys will need independent counseling.  I know that grief hits people in waves so I am trying to watch for signs that they need more.  They are doing remarkably well.....as well as can be expected.  They certainly have their sad times and moments but overall they seem to be finding their new normal.  I saw a counselor for a few months after Jason died.  She told me that I'm doing everything I can be doing in order to properly go through the process.  Unfortunately, you often have to just experience "life" in order to grieve.  It's the day-to-day things and all the firsts that are so very hard for us.  But we continue to deal with them as they come and we find ourselves getting stronger all the time.

Affects

A few weeks ago, someone at the Warm Place made a comment about being tired.  Everyone in the room immediately had some sort of reaction to that statement- whether it be a nod of the head or verbally agreeing- but everyone seemed to feel the same.  It's exhausting to grieve.

I came home that night and googled "how does bereavement affect the body" and found a long list of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that take place when one loses a spouse. (or probably anyone for that matter)  It was kind of refreshing for me to see it written out on paper.....almost like a justification for why I feel the way I do.  Here is one list I found:

All grief is different

There's no right or wrong way to grieve. We all have different personalities, ways of coping and past experiences. No two people's grief will be the same. Each of us is likely to experience a wide range of feelings, which may vary from day to day.

Physical symptoms may include: hollowness in the stomach, over-sensitivity to noise, tightness in the chest or throat, weakness in muscles, lack of energy, a dry mouth, fatigue and breathlessness.

Feelings may include: sadness, anger, guilt, self-reproach, anxiety, loneliness, helplessness, hopelessness, shock, emancipation, relief, numbness and yearning for the dead person.

Behavioural changes may include: insomnia and sleep interruption, appetite disturbances, absent-minded behaviour, social withdrawal, dreams of the deceased, avoiding reminders of the deceased, sighing, restless overactivity, crying, visiting places or treasuring objects that are reminders of the lost loved one.

Thoughts may include: disbelief, confusion, preoccupation with the deceased, a sense of presence of the deceased, auditory and visual hallucinations.

While I certainly don't and haven't experienced all of these -I have experienced a lot of them.  Some of them are still here.  I mostly feel tired all the time.  I'm pretty sure I could get 10 hours of sleep every night (yea, right) and I'd still be tired.  And that's frustrating.  I keep reminding myself that this is a natural part of the process.  Grief is hard.  But we continue to move forward every single day......and try to heal and get stronger all the time.

End of School and Beginning of Summer

Summer is officially here!  The boys just completed kindergarten and third grade and they are both super excited about time off from school.  I asked them the other day to list some things that they want to do.  Their list includes: going to the waterpark, playing with friends, the park, the library, Grammy's place at the lake, bowling, the beach, and hanging out at home.  Pretty sure we can do that! :)

With Cooper at his Mother's Day tea.  Love my sweet boy!

Last Day of school 2011-2012

As I look at this picture, it's kind of hard to believe that we started this school year off with Jason and that we are ending it without him.  I'm watching the boys continue to grow, lose teeth, learn new things, and change right before my eyes.  And he's not here to see it.  And that's hard.

Choosing joy is difficult for me today but I'm choosing it anyways. I'm focusing on the fact that we are happy (most of the time) and healthy and have the next few months to make some great memories together.  I'm so blessed and fortunate to be able to stay home and not miss a thing.

Mending

"My name is Jennifer and tonight I brought Hudson, who is 9, and Cooper, who is 6.  We lost their dad/my husband on Oct 5 to an aortic rupture."

Every other Thursday night, I have to say those words to a room full of widows.  As part of the introduction of our grief session, we have to go around and tell this information about ourselves.  While it's uncomfortable at times, I honestly feel that saying these words is half of the mending that takes place for me.  There is just something therapeutic about hearing yourself say this truth.  

On most Warm Place nights, I find myself listening to others share about their grief.  Sure, from time to time I will join in or answer a question that is directed specifically to me....but for the most part I sit back and take it all in.  There are a couple of members that tend to dominate the conversations and it sometimes feels like a private therapy session just for them.  I think the facilitator noticed that last time so this time around she said that they would be doing things a little different.  They structured it so that everyone is part of the conversation and everyone contributes at least something.  I guess this is good......especially for people like me who tend to hold back a little.

One of the activities was the pillow toss.  You had to toss a pillow to someone in the room and you could ask that person a question.  This was towards the end of our session and I secretly prayed that time would run out before the pillow came my way.  I listened to people ask questions and then others answer them.  Then, the pillow was tossed to me.  (If you know me at all then you know that speaking in front of lots of people is very hard for me.  Don't misunderstand- there were not 100 people in that room but anything over 3-4 and that's big.  I would say that there were probably 15-18 people there last night.)  The girl that tossed the pillow asked me how I was planning to celebrate Father's Day with the boys.  This question opened up lots of emotions for me because our wedding anniversary happens to fall on Father's Day this year.  I went into detail about what I had planned (will share all that later) and how I was feeling about all of it.  I was talking through my tears.....at times having to pause because I was getting so choked up.  As I talked, others asked questions and the conversation just kept on going.  For the first time ever there, I really opened up.  While I was talking, I noticed others nodding their heads as I would say certain things or watch as tears rolled down their cheeks.  Every single person understood my pain.  They live it every day too.

For the first time, I was able to fully expose myself.  One by one I peeled back the layers and showed them the raw me.  I took off the "involved mom" hat, the "strong daughter" face, and all the other faces I wear each day with others in my life.  I was able to be real and be me and know that everyone got it.  I didn't have to pretend to be okay or act like  I was strong.  Once I was finished, I felt very free.  

When we got home last night, Hudson showed me his paper that he worked on in his class.  There were 4 boxes and inside each one there was a starter sentence and he had to fill in the blanks with his feelings.  The first one said "I feel scared when....." and he drew a cartoon type picture with people and words and basically he said that kids at school will often refer to him as the "kid without a dad" or "the kid whose dad died" and that hurts him.  The next one said "I feel guilty when........." and he said "when I think about him."  After pressing about this one he told me that he feels it's kind of his fault that Jason died.  I have no idea why he would feel that way.  We talked briefly about that but it was late and we were all tired so I decided to table that conversation for a bit. I hate it so much that my boys are forced to deal with these emotions.  I want nothing more than for him to just be 9.

Overall, it was a good night.  I jokingly wonder if they will think twice about tossing that pillow to me again.  I can tell that we are all making progress and mending a little bit each and every day.