Changes

I've had several people message me about my blog since I haven't posted in a bit.......if I plan to keep writing and to see if we are okay.  We are good with the exception of my neck. I sprained my neck a couple of weeks ago and I've had zero desire to blog or do much of anything.  It's crazy how being in this much pain can effect pretty much all areas of life.  I started physical therapy last week and am taking pain meds and muscle relaxers.  I mentioned before that I'm not a huge fan of meds....but I did say that there is a time and place for them.  Well, this would be the time and the place. Ugh.  The problem that I'm running in to is that they completely knock me out.  I can't take them during the day because I get dizzy and can't really drive.  If I take them in the afternoon then I'm asleep within an hour.  So, I'm trying to do the exercises the PT showed me and keep it managed with Tylenol during the day and then take the good stuff at night.  It certainly helps me get a good night sleep!

There continue to be changes taking place all the time and I find that with each change, there is always some sort of sadness that comes with it.  I know that this comes with the territory but the reality of that doesn't make it any easier to swallow.  Back in the fall, my friend Paige took some pictures for me and I mentioned that I put several of them in the living room.  I had an 11X14 of just the boys made and finally got it framed the other day.  I decided to take our engagement picture in the hallway down and put this one in its place.  It was time and completely appropriate but that didn't lessen the sting.  Just another reminder that my life is forever different and that he's really gone.

I got a new car last week.  It was a super bittersweet moment for me. I cried for several days leading up to that purchase.  I couldn't help but think about all the memories made in my Pilot......bringing Cooper home from the hospital, the road trips, the date nights, just the simple day to day activities our little family participated in the last 7 years in that car.  Even though the physical car is gone, the memories are forever in my mind.  I'm so very thankful for that.


The boys are both looking forward to summer.  Hudson is starting his usual countdown....which always makes me laugh.  I wonder if that boy will ever enjoy school?  The thought of summer actually stresses me out a little.  And that makes me sad.  I've never been the kind of mom that wanted school to start in the fall.  Nope, I always loved holidays and summers off with my boys.  Now, when I think about literally 24/7.....with no breaks.....that kind of makes me panic a little bit.   I have signed them up for a few camps and we will do our usual waterpark/movies/library/park/play date type activities.......but just knowing it's all me this time around makes me feel overwhelmed.  But, I'm just praying about it and I know it will work out.  Choosing joy in all I do!!

The Place

 The boys and I had our first session in our permanent group at the Warm Place last night.  This was our third time to go and by far my best experience yet.  There was such a difference (for me anyways) being with adults that have also lost a spouse.  I think it's also going to be so helpful for the boys to meet and make friends with other kids that have lost a parent.  That was such a big thing for Hudson at first- he thought he was the only kid without a dad.  It's so important for him to feel connected to other kids that have experienced a similar tragedy.

 The Warm Place is in Fort Worth and resides in an old home.  It has lots of charm and a beautiful wrap around porch.  The setting is very relaxing. (this is a picture of the side of the house)

 There is a large yard off to the side of the house where the kids can run around and play for a few minutes before the group sessions start.

We got there about 30 minutes early and the boys had some time to run around and enjoy the weather.  

Last night, myself and another lady were the new members of the group.  Most of the others have been together for quite some time.....some have been in for 6 months and some 13+ months.  I quickly witnessed a bond between the members.  That was neat to see and I'm excited to be a part of that.  I'm not sure if I'm just more comfortable now because I've been a few times but something about the people and the feel of the room felt like home.  Maybe it's that there is some sort of unexplainable bond between everyone.  Almost like an unspoken appreciation for one another.  I'm not sure but it felt great.

Conversation went well and I actually wanted to participate.  It was heartbreaking, humbling, inspiring, moving.......just listening to all the stories.  The overall feel of the group was positive and I felt like people were in a pretty good place and wanting to move forward.  There was another lady in the group that talked a lot about God and her walk and it touched me in so many ways.  I loved that I shared the same outlook as her and I look forward to learning from her.  Most of these people are further down the road in their journey and it's comforting to see others finding joy and moving forward with life.  I walked away feeling so blessed.

The staff members talk a lot about confidentiality with the kids.  They explain to them that what is said at the group needs to stay there.  This creates a safe place for the kids to open up and honestly share what is on their hearts.  I try not to pry too much but on the way home I do ask them how it went.  I usually get a generic "good" from Cooper.  Sometimes Hudson will tell me a little more but not much.  That's okay though.  I just have to believe that hearts are mending inside that room and sometimes there are details I don't need to know.  Hudson did tell me that his group went outside for a bit and he sat next to the fountain for a bit, talking to his teacher.  I'm sure since he is new, she is wanting to get some background information on him.  He told me that he told her a little bit about his dad, about how he had a hole in his heart and that he didn't expect this to happen.  Even if it's just a small amount, I'm so glad and thankful that he is opening up and sharing his feelings with others.

Warning Signs, Meds and Dr Appts

I've had lots of people ask me if Jason had any warning signs leading up to his death. The answer is no. About a month before he died, he did have a spell where his blood wouldn't clot very well. For 3-4 days in a row he would bleed pretty bad if he cut himself while shaving. One day, he cut himself and told me that he had to keep pressing a tissue on that spot for several hours until it finally stopped. After a few days of this, I got concerned and asked him to go to the doctor. He did. They ran some tests in the office and then ordered a pretty extensive series of blood tests. I remember him getting the results back and telling me that they did 16-17 tests on his blood and everything came back normal. The excessive bleeding finally stopped and we sort of forgot about it. We didn't see any red flags and neither did his doctor so we just continued on with life as normal.

Jason was healthy. He's never been overweight but he had really gotten down pretty thin the last year or so. He was working out several days a week and feeling great. He didn't smoke and didn't drink regularly. We didn't eat out all that often since I love to cook. Because of all this, we obviously didn't see this aortic rupture coming. I have thought back to the few days before his death to see if I missed any warning signs. I don't think I did. We spent Sunday at the State Fair, he left early Monday morning to exercise before work and we had a typical evening on Monday night. Tuesday morning was normal- he didn't work out that day because he was taking a day break in between- but he didn't complain or mention not feeling well. I really just think it was one of those random, doesn't-make-sense situations. 40 years olds don't typically die from this.

I've also had people ask me if I am on medication. (not in a rude way but just out of curiosity as far as my coping goes) The answer is no. I took Zanax for the first 5 days but it made me feel so spacey. If you know me then you know that I'm not a huge fan of medication. I definitely feel there is a time and place for it but I personally have never liked taking meds and have always used them as a last resort. I was given anxiety medicine at the hospital the day he died and took it because I was in such a state of shock and everyone told me that I should. I do think it calmed me on the day of his funeral and that was a blessing. Even though I took a very low dosage, it still had a pretty strong effect on me since I don't usually take things. I found that it made me really tired during the day but it didn't seem to help me with nighttime sleeping. I stopped after several days and never felt that I needed it after that. Don't get me wrong: I know that some people absolutely need to take this during times like this. I certainly don't judge because we all handle things differently and need various things at different times. I did what I felt was best for me and deciding to stop was my answer. I think I was naturally in such a fog during those first several weeks.......I didn't really need anything else.

I had my doctor appointment today at the hospital. I was good until about 2-3 minutes away and then I started to feel pretty anxious about it. I started talking out loud to myself (wouldn't you love to be a fly on the wall during that?) saying things like "you can do this.....God, take it from me.....keep it separate/you will not be in the ER and you will not be in that waiting room....I choose joy......God, give me peace that only you can give." Repeat over and over. I said those things out loud the rest of the trip. Thankfully the appt was in the professional building which is located in the back. I was able to park in a different lot and enter through different doors- however, there were huge Emergency Room signs displayed right when I walked in and my heart sank. I managed to make it to the office, filled out my forms and was taken to my room. The nurse did her thing and asked some questions and I waited for the doctor. I could feel my heart pounding in my chest. To make matters worse, One Sweet Day by Mariah Carey, was playing over the intercom and it took all I had to hold it together. My doctor came in and we did small talk for a few minutes. Then she told me that my blood pressure was high and she was a little concerned with that because my BP tends to be on the low side. My eyes immediately filled with tears and I began to explain what the last 28 weeks have looked like for me and that I was very anxious about coming to this hospital. She understood and felt that this was probably the reason it was so high. I'm going to monitor it the next few days. I'm sure it's fine and I really feel it was an isolated situation.

I got a call last week that there is a permanent spot for us at The Warm Place. We start tomorrow night and will go every other week. We will now only be with families where the kids have lost a parent and the adults have lost a spouse. I'm kind of interested to see how this goes. I hope and pray I feel more of a connection since we will have very similar experiences. Continuing to pray that the boys and I continue to heal the best way we can!

Sometimes It Just Stinks.......

* trying to make dinner for just yourself and 2 young kids. I've realized that cooking dinner brings about a huge amount of sadness for me. It reminds me that there will be an empty seat at the table, the garage door will not open while I'm making it, and there will be an insane amount of leftovers that no one is here to eat.

* asking for a table for 3 at a restaurant.

* seeing your child cry during dinner at that restaurant when they look over at the empty seat next to them in the booth.

* coming home to a dark, empty house after being gone for the day.

* parking in the middle of the driveway and realizing that no one will try to pull in and make you move.

* being the only adult in the house. Sometimes I'd love to not have to make all the decisions.

* trying to make everyone happy.

* feeling the need to be strong all the time.

The list goes on but you get the idea. I'm continuing to "count it all joy" but I'm also keeping it real. Sometimes, it just stinks!!

Easter 2012

On Easter last year, I remember putting "thankful for the empty tomb" as my Facebook status update. Little did I know that a year later I would literally cling to the fact that Jesus died on the cross and that he rose on the 3rd day. Little did I know that the sacrifice Jesus made for me would be something that helps get me through every single day. The promise of heaven. No more tears. Eternity with Him.

Cooper- 6 and Hudson- 9

I mentioned the other day that Hudson is getting so tall. You can see here that he is catching up to me pretty quick!

With my mom.

This year, the focus of Easter was definitely less about the Easter bunny and more about just being thankful for family and friends. We kept it simple. Both families (mine and Jason's) came to church with me and we had lunch/hunt at his sister's house. We all felt a void in our own way....but we managed to have a good time and still talk about Jason throughout the day. I can see that all of us are getting stronger all the time.

I really feel that God is working on me in the area of patience. Patience with my boys and patience with just life in general. I'm a planner by nature.....so praying and telling God that I completely surrender to Him and want His will is sometimes difficult for me. It's my daily prayer but sometimes this girl wants some control. :) I'm learning patience and I'm learning to wait and listen for His whispers.

I was reading last night and ironically came across this section in my book:

Do you ever wonder "What's in this for me?" when you're going through a stretching time? James reminds and encourages his readers (and us) that "the testing of your faith produces patience." James 1:3

Patience. This is a word for "abiding under" or for "staying" - persevering under or living under the pressure of the test while staying close to Christ. It means dwelling with Him. In any trial, it is you and God going through it. And patience and staying power grow because you hang in there. You see it through. You stay there until the testing is done. You stay until it's over. And because you stayed in the tests God gave you: You were tried......and found true. You were tested......and endured. You grew and now know you can hold up under adversity. You have more confidence and less fear.

I find such peace in these words because I do feel and believe that I'm so much stronger than I was 27 weeks ago. I am more confident in knowing that no matter the trial that comes my way, I will survive and hang in there.

Spring and Other Things

Spring has always been my favorite season. I tend to get an extra little spring in my step when the weather starts to warm up. With the changes of the season though comes sadness for me. The days are longer....which mean families and neighbors are outside playing. Because of that, this week I've been especially reminded that Jason is gone. Warmer weather means that people are beginning to plan and talk about family vacations. I want to go somewhere but I have zero idea where to take them. Easter Sunday reminds me of finding coordinating outfits for the boys and spending the day as a family with our families at church. I can't bear to go to ND this year....really, if ever. Jason grew up there and I started going there when I was 15. Our parents still go there and it was the church we attended on most major holidays so we could see our family. We got married there and Jason's memorial service was held there. Tons of memories were made inside those walls and I'm not sure my heart can handle going back. Mother's Day and Father's Day are just around the corner...... Jason is no longer here to take the boys to pick out a card for me or do something special so he could teach them how to show me (and their future wives) that we are special. And I have no idea how to celebrate Father's Day this year with him gone?

I've got something in the works for this summer- a way for me to remember him on our anniversary and spread his ashes in a meaningful way. I've been praying about what to do with them and I finally found the perfect place to do so. I have felt uneasy ever since getting his remains from the funeral home. (I do not regret the decision of cremation since he and I discussed this....it's just hard to accept that he's inside that box ) I hate having them here. I am nervous yet eager to spread them. I hope and believe that by doing so, I will find some sense of peace. I hope to feel more closure after it's over. I will be closing this chapter in many ways yet knowing that a big piece of my heart forever lies within the story.

Something I've noticed about myself during this process is that I am really good at avoiding. I find myself avoiding things......and lately I realize that it's because it's easier to avoid then face things head on. For example, I mentioned that I got new furniture several weeks ago. I had about a week in between getting rid of the old and getting the new. I packed everything from my drawers into boxes and trash bags. Sad to admit that I'm still living out of the boxes and bags. Why? I guess because once I put my things away, inside the new drawers, I am admitting that it's just me. I still have Jason's iphone. And I'm still paying for a family plan (instead of now just an individual plan) In my defense, I went early on to cancel his service. I was told that I had to go to a corporate store and show the death certificate so that I could break the contract. I didn't make it that day to the corporate store and I haven't attempted since. Why? I guess because when I cut it off, I'm admitting that it's just me. Crazy, I know. I feel like the master at avoiding lately and it's kind of bothering me. Hopefully I'll wrap up these last loose ends soon.

Another thing I've noticed is that I struggle with commitments in my schedule. Sure, I can meet friends for coffee or lunch with no problem. But to commit to something for several weeks or months causes anxiety in me. I recently discovered this and I hate it. A while back, I contacted a sweet friend that I heard was looking for a tennis partner. I've wanted to try tennis and she and I both have our kids in school every day. We talked about taking lessons every Monday. We had a time or two where it rained or I had a sick kid or it was a school holiday.... so we have yet to get together to play. Looking back, I see that I felt really anxious about these Monday lessons and I realize that committing to something every single week is just too much for me right now. There is a Bible study every Wednesday at my preschool. My first reaction was "oh wow, I really want and need to do this." But, as the Wednesdays rolled around I found myself anxious and overwhelmed at the commitment. This sounds crazy but it's how I feel right now. I have never been this way so it's really frustrating for me. I'm pretty confident that this won't last forever but I do feel that it's holding me back a little. I'm missing out on some great things with some pretty amazing people. However, it is what it is and have to remind myself that there will be a time for all these things. I have to accept that this is just where I'm at right now.

Warm Place and Dr Visit

Our second Warm Place session is in the books. We had our meeting last night and we all survived. I waited and left 30 minutes later and actually got there in less time so I think the key is trying to let the traffic simmer down a bit before heading that way. The boys seemed okay when it was over. I asked Cooper how it went and what happened and he responded with "I don't remember." This is code for "I don't want to talk about it." This is hard because I don't get any kind of feedback on what he says or how he acts in class. I have to just assume that all is okay. Hudson told me that they talked about what they miss about the person they lost. He said that he misses his dad's tickles and jokes and just hanging out with him. I miss all those things too, sweet boy.

My experience last night was weird. I can't properly explain it....other than it just felt weird. With it being my second time, I wasn't as nervous or anxious since I knew what to expect. There were some new faces and I felt sad for them. I remember vividly how I felt last month and I am pretty confident they felt something similar. Like last time, we went around and said our name, who we brought with us (kids) and who died. Obviously I participated in this but other than that, I didn't talk this time around. Questions were asked and as I thought about my answers and contemplated sharing my thoughts......I realized that my thoughts and feelings were way off from everyone else. This is a mixed group- meaning people in this room lost a spouse, a child, a parent, a sibling......and some lost loved ones several years ago and some just a few months ago. So, there was a big range of situations. My heart was breaking as I listened to people say things about being angry, not wanting to go on, being in denial, struggling to function in day to day life, how life will never be the same, never finding happiness again, etc........ It was depressing. I wanted so badly to share that I've accepted this loss and that I have peace about my life. I wanted to tell them that I'm choosing joy and that I know my life will never be the same again but it can still be great if I let go and give myself permission to do so. I didn't share these things though. I didn't want to be the odd man in the room and I didn't want glares or for anyone to feel weird that they are at the opposite end of the spectrum from me. I walked away thinking "what in the world is wrong with me?" I felt so completely out of place there. Again, I'm left wondering if I will find myself in that place some day, feeling the same way? Don't get me wrong..... I hurt every single day. I am not finished grieving. I miss Jason all the time. In spite of that, I don't find myself in darkness.

Last week I mentioned my doctors appointment. I prayed about it over the weekend and felt that I needed to keep it. I got a call yesterday to confirm. The receptionist explained that the office had moved..... to the professional building that is connected to the hospital but that I would park in the back and go through a completely different set of doors. I felt a huge relief about this because I felt I could keep my thoughts separate. It would almost feel like I was in a different place. Thanks to the lovely storms today, I had to reschedule. I am pretty bummed because I'm ready to get it over with. Like mentioned before, the anticipation is often worse than the day. Now I get to anticipate until the 18th. But, I am looking at it like God didn't want me there today so I am choosing joy and choosing to be fine with it.

Last night I decided to create a new album on Facebook so that I could move all the pictures of Jason to one spot. I did this for a couple of reasons. First, I have times where I really want to look at his pictures. I thought it might be easier if they were all in one big album instead of having to look through a ton of them. Second, I realize that as time goes on......I will continue to make new friends and meet new people and I think my facebook pictures might seem a bit confusing. My status does say "widowed" but I just felt that having one album dedicated just to him, people could look through that and understand a little more about that piece of my life. I got all the pictures moved and then realized what a void the albums have now. I look through vacation albums, holiday albums, etc... and it looks like those things happened with just the boys and me. It stinks because I feel like I've erased him from those moments, even though I haven't. It's hard to explain because it hurt but felt right all at the same time.

The other day I came across a neat saying: "Write your plans in pencil, but give God the eraser." How true is that statement? Moving forward, I continue to make plans and ask that God's will be done in everything I do. I have realized more than ever over the last 6 months that even though we have plans, they are not always His plans.