Things I've Learned and a Sweet Email

A few things I learned this week:

1.  Even though my cinnamon and ground black pepper spices are in the same exact container, they can not be equally substituted without totally jacking your dinner up.  Yes my friends, cinnamon is not the same as pepper.  

2.  If you are wearing flip flops in your garage while walking super fast to get inside and you step in a small puddle of water as you are rounding your car......you will, in fact slip, slide, and body slam yourself onto the ground.  While losing your keys, your purse and your Sonic drink.  And not gracefully.

3.  Hearing my coteacher at preschool today say "do you need to go cocka" is about the funniest thing I've ever heard her say (we have a precious little boy from Africa in our class that hasn't lived in the US long and has limited English.)

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I got the sweetest email this morning.  I have a reader that lost her husband 4 days after Jason died.  Someone gave her my blog info about a year ago and she has been reading ever since.  While our situations are somewhat similar....there are also some big differences in our stories as well.  She thanked me for this blog...for being real about my journey.  It was probably the most touching email I've received to date.  It brought me to tears as I read her words and listened to her share her story but also tell me that this has been a place for her to come when no one else understood.  A huge part of me hates that I have this story to tell, while another big part of me is so thankful for technology and for the ability to connect with others that are in a similar situation that I might not meet otherwise.  

I've heard from two friends just this week that know someone that has suddenly passed away and they shared this blog with their spouse.  I am the first to admit that I don't have all the answers but I am honest and real when it comes to documenting the ups and downs of grief.  If I am able to help just one person then I feel happy and honored to do so.  Thank you for believing in me and for allowing me the opportunity to love on those that have lost someone special.  It's a true honor!

Guest Post

A couple of weeks ago, Heather contacted me about being a guest blogger on Mom 2 Hudson and Cooper.  She is a cancer survivor and wanted to tell her story....of survival and of hope.  She wants to raise awareness to this type of cancer.

Dealing With Cancer as a New Mom

There might be a time in your life when everything is dramatically and irreversibly altered. It happened to me at the age of 36. In August of 2005, I had my daughter, Lily. My husband and I were ecstatic. Our families and friends surrounded our new little family with so much love. It was the happiest time in our lives. However, three months later, we experienced crushing despair when I was diagnosed with mesothelioma cancer.

http://www.mesothelioma.com/mesothelioma/diagnosis/

I went back to my full-time job about a month after my daughter was born, but I immediately noticed something was wrong. My energy was nonexistent, I was intractably tired and I was losing an obscene amount of weight. It could have been due to being a new mom, but it didn't seem right. As it turned out, I was correct to be worried.

I underwent a barrage of tests with my doctor and was diagnosed with mesothelioma. Apparently, I'd unknowingly been exposed to asbestos during my childhood. My doctor told me that if I wasn't treated, I'd have 15 months to live. Despite the devastation I felt, my main concern was my husband and infant daughter and how they would suffer without me. With my husband's support, I decided to fight and do whatever it took to be there for many more years with him and Lily. We chose to go to Boston to see one of the best specialists in mesothelioma treatment. I spent nearly three weeks in the hospital and an additional two months recovering before starting grueling chemotherapy and radiation treatments. The whole time, I strove to be the best mom possible to my daughter.

During the time while I was in Boston for treatment, Lily stayed with my parents in South Dakota so they could take care of her while I focused on getting healthy again. They had many friends and family members nearby who were eager to help. I'll never be able to thank these people enough and all of my love and gratitude goes out to them for all that they did. Although they don't know it, we'd have never been able to get through this trying time without them.

It was unfortunate that I wasn't around for many of Lily's milestones while I fought for my life. She had many firsts during this time, eating solid foods and becoming mobile. It was difficult not being with her, but I knew that she was well taken care of and that this was necessary if I was to be there for her later on. I’m so thankful to be here 7 years later with no signs of cancer. Motherhood was drastically different than I had thought it would be, and cancer was nowhere in our plans when thinking about having a child. Thanks to the love and support of everyone around me, I was able to make it through.

As horrible a disease as cancer is, it wasn't all bad. In Lily, my husband and the rest of my family, I found a reason to fight. I was determined to be there for them throughout the years. We all have a greater appreciation for being alive now since we've seen how easily that life can be taken away. For anyone going through a similar experience, my advice is to look for the silver lining on the stormy clouds.

You can read more of Heather's story on her blog.

Thank you for sharing your story with us!!

What's Cooking?

I'm trying all new recipes for dinner this week!

Monday:

Honey Garlic Chicken Breasts *

Sweet Potato Fries

Apple Slices

* this was pretty good.  I accidentally got organic tenders instead but it ended up working out okay since there were already a thinner cut.  My boys ate it up but did comment that it was a bit spicy.  You may consider leaving the Cayenne pepper out if you are serving to small kids.  The dipping sauce was pretty good....kind of different though.

Tuesday:

Slow Cooker Barbecue Pulled Pork Sandwiches

Ranch Style Beans

Herb flavored couscous

Pickle spears

Wednesday:

Homemade Mac and Cheese

Tomato Soup

Fruit Salad

Thursday:

Chicken and Dumplings

Steamed Veggies
Strawberries and Bananas

We have a pretty busy weekend so Fri-Sun are up in the air right now.  Looking forward to hopefully finding some new favorites!!

Anything yummy on your menu this week?

Remembering Dad and Cooper's little stunts

Back when I was seeing my counselor, I remember her telling me that typically when someone dies, people have 2 ways of remembering them.  They either: 1) remember only the good in that person....and you often hold them up to a higher level than what they actually were.  Or, 2) you focus mostly on the bad/negative......almost like a defense mechanism to help control your sadness that they are gone.

I would definitely say that I remember mostly just the good.  Not that this is a bad thing but it's not always realistic.  None of us are perfect.  Jason was a great dad and husband but he had his flaws just like the rest of us.  I think for me, I almost feel/felt guilty when I would reflect back on a time that maybe wasn't so great. As if I was being unfair because the reality is that he isn't here to defend himself or change it or make it right. So for the most part, I find myself remembering all the good.

The boys have done the same thing.  I'm grateful for that but this can sometimes be a challenge for life in the present.  I recall not long after Jason died I was disciplining the boys for something.  I sent them both to timeout in their rooms.  As I was closing Hudson's door, he said "I want dad."  This stung because that was his way of telling me that I was mean and that dad would have done it differently.  I wanted to shout back and tell him that he got off easy.....that dad probably would have popped him on the bottom.  But I didn't.

It's hard sometimes when Shawn and I are compared to the idea or vision that they have of Jason.  This isn't something they say often....but I know it's there.  And it's impossible to compete with that.

The last week or so, Hudson has really been testing us.  I am not 100% sure where it's coming from but he is being defiant at times or just walking around with this "whatever" attitude.  I try to find the balance because some of it is because of Jason and some of it is because he is just a kid.......and that is what kids do.  They test us.  The balancing act comes into play when you try to cut him some slack but then also not allow this tragedy to become an excuse for his behavior.

The other adjustment we all are working through is Shawn's role in our family.  He is no longer the fun Shawn that comes over on the weekends to hang out with us.  Of course that is still there but he is also now a father figure......who has the not-so-fun job of helping with homework, holding them accountable, or refereeing the boys when they argue.   I believe that Hudson is resisting this a little bit.

If you can, please say a little prayer for Hudson......and for the rest of us as we work our way through this time of change.  It is my prayer that the boys can remember Jason in a loving way but also have the ability to keep it realistic.  Because the reality is that Jason would discipline them almost the same exact way Shawn is.

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In other news........last week I was in Hudson's room and I noticed this as I was going to turn his light off.

Why is it that my six.........almost SEVEN year old still does this kind of stuff?  I immediately knew it was Cooper's handiwork.

As if one set wasn't enough, he decided to also color the closet light switch as well.

Did you know that Cooper has a history with sharpie markers?  Let's look back at some highlights from years past:

yep, sharpie on our couches and chairs.........

 sharpie on the coffee table........

sharpie on his toys.......

sharpie on himself........

Pen on his face....

Baking soda dumped on the floor between my 2 couches....

 banana in the dishwasher....

 Diapers spread out all over his room......

 sneaking cashews out of the pantry and hanging out on brother's bed.....I mean, just look at that face!

standing/climbing on everything!!

Oh, this little boy has given me a run for my money in the short years he has been on this Earth.  I love him to pieces but I will be SOOOO glad when he has completely outgrown this mischievous stage.

Then my fear hits me in the face......what if he never outgrows it?

I do have to laugh though.  Or I just might go mad.  I have to constantly remind myself that these little acts are actually blessings sometimes.  They are gentle reminders that all this stuff is just.....STUFF.  Reminders that this stage will be over in the blink of an eye.  A reminder to not sweat the small stuff.

Origami Owl

My sister recently started selling Origami Owl.  What is Origami Owl you ask?

It's a custom made living locket.  It contains the combination of word plates and/or charms...tucked inside a little locket.....and together, that creates your "story."

Here is how it works.

Step 1:  Choose your charms.  

They have hundreds of charms to choose from- birthstones, initials, faith, sports, hobbies, occupations, music, love, sorority, travel, animals, etc...

Step 2:  Choose your locket.

There are 2 sizes: medium or large

There are 3 finishes: silver, gold, or rose gold

You can choose simple or one with crystals.

Step 3:  Choose your chain (if you don't already have one)

Step 4:  Choose your name plate (optional)

There are up to 16 choices in various sizes.

Examples are: Dream, Faith, Inspire, Sisters, Love, Blessed, Nana, etc.....

Step 5:  Choose dangles (optional)

Your locket can be as simple or detailed as you want.  Here are several examples.

 The neat thing about the lockets is that they are magnetic......meaning you can switch your charms out any time you want.  You can add holiday charms during Christmas or sports charms during sports season.  Just open it up and change them out.  Super easy!

 This shows the simple trim and the crystal trim edge.  You can also see the different finishes- silver, gold and rose gold.

 It's cool to mix and match metals......choose a silver locket and a gold plate.

 You can layer your lockets

 Add some dangles for color and texture

They even have their Tag line.  These can be worn alone (like shown) or worn along with your locket.

I am taking some samples to preschool this week but I wanted to also open it up to any of you that are interested in ordering.  To order online, go to:  julie01.origamiowl.com or email me for more information. 

I will be closing the party on Saturday, March 2.

I'm excited to order mine and tell my story!!

5 Minutes

If you had just 5 more minutes with him, what would you say?

That was the question asked at the Warm Place last night.

And my eyes immediately filled with tears at just the thought of it.  You could feel the room sort of tense up.....and I gathered that everyone else was just as upset with this question and the "place" this took your mind to.

What I would give for just 5 more minutes!

We were given a sheet of paper and asked to write down what we would say if given 5 more minutes with our loved one.  I looked around and noticed several others writing through their tears.  It felt almost cruel......to dangle that "what if" carrot in front of us.  I was shocked at my reaction.  Granted, I haven't felt well this week and I'm not sleeping great so I am tired and weepy.  But, I had a hard time keeping it together.  I am not sure that I've even gone to that place in  my mind........so what would I say if I had 5 minutes with him?  I noticed that others were spending quite a bit of time writing and filling the sheet up.  I quickly jotted down 6 words.

I sat and listened to the heartbreaking words from those in my group.  Again, I had a hard time controlling the tears as I heard the sadness, the desperation coming from those left behind.  I don't necessarily consider these people my friends but we obviously have a bond that has been established because of sharing our deepest thoughts and struggles over the last year.  My heart was wide open and crushed for each one of them.

It was finally my turn.  

That's what I would tell him.  You see, Jason and I were given a gift that day.  We had the opportunity to say goodbye to each other.......even though I had no idea it would actually be the last time we talked. We were able to pray together and love on each other for a few minutes.  I listened to him tell me what a great wife and mom I was.  He told me that if he didn't make it, he wanted me to love again and remarry.  He was so strong that day.  I was a wreck.  Everything was happening so fast and I was panicked.  I remember looking at him.....barely even able to make out his face because the tears were pouring out.  I shook my head in disbelief that we were even having that conversation.  The greatest part of all that is that nothing was really left unsaid between us.  I thank God often for that because not everyone gets that chance.

If given 5 minutes with Jason......and knowing what I know now .......I would tell him that we are going to be okay.  I would tell him that I am way stronger than I ever gave myself credit for.  I would tell him that I would try my hardest to keep schedules and routines as normal for the boys and that they would continue to feel secure and loved.  I would tell him that even though I don't want him to go...that it's okay if he does.  We will be okay.  But I think he knew that all along.  Based on his words that day, he had been able to see that strength in me that I was never able to see.

So my question to you is.......if you knew that you only had 5 minutes left with your spouse or your child, what would you say?  Now go and say it.  You may not get the chance again.

Food, Bribes and a Movie

The weather yesterday was yucky.......those dark clouds produced a grey blanket most of the day.  It didn't do much for my motivation or willingness to get out and get things done.  Plus, my throat has been hurting the last couple of days.  I did make a pretty yummy dinner though.  That counts as productive, right?  This morning is very much the same.  In fact, it's raining pretty hard with a chance of hail this morning.  How do people in Seattle do it?

Yesterday, I was craving baked potato soup.  And boy was it good!  I figured the boys (all 3 of them) would want some meat so I also made this brown sugar and dijon pork roast with steamed veggies and mac and cheese.  I'm pretty sure they all think I'm a keeper. :)

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So does it make me a bad mom that I bribed my kid with a Lego kit and a picnic lunch at the park in return for not having to take him to Chuck E. Cheese?  Hudson was still at my mom's house on Monday because school was out for President's Day.  Cooper came home on Sunday night with a backpack full of coupons from Mimi's house.....and one of those just so happened to be to CEC.  Just my luck.  So Monday rolled around and I just didn't have the energy to fight the crowds and join every other family in the DFW metroplex to play a game of Skee ball.   So I offered to take Cooper to Target to pick out a Lego kit and then take lunch to the park.  Thankfully he fell for it and I was off the hook.  Until on the way home from the park he kindly reminded me that the coupons don't expire for another 3 weeks.  Hmmm, that kid!

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Has anyone else seen the movie Safe Haven?  Yea, probably not the smartest move on my part for not reading some reviews on it first.  In fact, I had only seen the previews once, a while back, and with that I really didn't know much about it.  You had me at Nicolas Sparks though.  So sweet boy and I went on Sunday before we wrapped up our kid free weekend.  And without going into too much detail......all I can say is that it's been a long long time since I've cried that hard in a movie.  The last 5-10 minutes about did me in.  The only redeeming part was that I got to stare at Josh Duhamel for 115 minutes.

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For dinner tonight, I am thinking Pasta alla Vodka is in order.  If you can't tell, I love just about everything Annie makes!  She is a genius in the kitchen.  I might even venture out and make her soft garlic knots too.  Why not?  Those 6 pounds are already back so I might as well enjoy one last carb filled day before I get strict with myself again!  I'm sure I'll feel like crap tonight.........

Have a blessed day!

Clouds and Cups

 Look at these crazy clouds from this morning......

 The boys kept saying "look at the creamy clouds....." while we were driving to school.

I didn't know if I should be intrigued or nervous.  Not sure that I've ever seen clouds like this before.

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As a mom, I get the privilege of sometimes stumbling on a funny note inside one of the boys backpacks.  Yesterday, I stumbled on this one.....and it made my heart so sad.

I need to talk to Hudson about this tonight.  I'm guessing that he feels guilty or that we are replacing him.  Ugh, I can't even put into words how much I hate this.

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Don't you love that it can take 2 weeks to lose 6 pounds but then those 6 pounds can be gained back in a single weekend?  Yep, that's my life.  I was doing so good with eating healthy (no carbs during the week but free eating on the weekends) and running and the pounds were coming off.  Thanks to Valentine's Day and the extended festivities I am starting right back over.  Fabulous.

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Have you seen the reusable cups at Starbucks?

I saw these a few weeks ago while I was waiting in line to place my order.  They only cost $1 and you get .10 off your coffee order every time you use this cup.  While I'm big on cutting down on landfill waste, it was actually the cup itself that sold me!  I have a love for those disposable insulated coffee cups that you buy at the grocery store.  I'm weird, I know.  I love the feel of them.....they are lightweight yet sturdy.  (I have a ton of the stainless steel coffee mugs but there is just something about the disposable ones)  In fact, one time I rinsed one of them out and decided to reuse it.  About halfway through my coffee the bottom fell right out.  I guess when they say "one time use" they mean it.  Anyways, this cup has that same feel and I love it!!  It's the simple things that make me happy! :)

Weekend Recap

So Friday night, sweet boy and I ventured out for date #1:  Laser Tag.

We had lots of fun.....played 2 rounds and if you ask me....the whole thing was rigged.  The main scoreboard showed that he was ahead of me by one and my individual scorecard said I tagged him more than he tagged me.  But, he feels he is the reigning champion.  Whatever.  I guess I'll let him think he won!!

On Saturday, we made our way over to the Gaylord for some much needed relaxation.  We enjoyed a couple's massage, a wonderful dinner, walking around the resort, and sleeping in.

I really am such a lucky girl. I have an amazing husband that loves me like no other.  Seriously, he spoils me. Beyond blessed!

Happy Valentine's Day!

We had a great Valentine's Day!  I had a super busy day at preschool and came home with a year supply of chocolate.  Okay, maybe not a full year supply but close.  I think I'm still in a sugar coma.

I came home and had a fun little photo op with the boys......

 I decided to join in on the fun....

 The boys enjoying their Lego kits we gave them for Vday.

Shawn took the boys to pick out flowers for their mama.  So sweet!

 With my boys!!

 My favorite Pinterest find so far has to be the Year of Dates idea.  I stumbled on this right after Christmas and I just knew it would be the perfect Valentine's Day present for my sweet boy.  I found several other sites that included fun date ideas too.  It was very time consuming (and expensive) but was so much fun to plan!

Basically, you pre-plan and pre-pay for a date for every month of the year.  I started by just making a list of activities that I knew we would enjoy......trying really hard to also include things we have never done before.  I wrote down each month and then started trying to fill in activities.  I searched Groupon and Living Social for some good deals and found several.  I then started buying the groupons or purchasing gift cards to various places or restaurants.  I then typed up a letter explaining the activity and then included the gift card and everything we would need for the date.  The rules are basic- on the first of every month we open the envelope together and then look at the calendar to decide when we can schedule that date for the month.  But, he's not allowed to peek!!  And he is responsible for paying the babysitter! :)

The neat part is that our first date is happening tonight!!  Since we are kidless all weekend, I decided to go ahead and do the February activity tonight since he has the rest of the weekend planned for us.  I'm looking forward to it.....but mostly just looking forward to spending time together.

Have a great weekend!!

Getting ready for V Day

Before having kids, Jason and I celebrated Valentine's Day and spent some time and preparation to make it special for each other.  Once the boys came, this holiday quickly turned into a "family" holiday.  We found it hard to find a babysitter or our parents already had plans so our tradition became one that looked like this:  stay home, eat a heart shaped pizza, make some fun dessert with the boys, etc....  Not saying that those moments were not special but I also wish we had kept the priority a little more on us because having small kids.....the focus is almost always about them anyways.  One regret that I do have is that we did not make enough time for us.  I'm learning from my mistakes ( it also helps now that the boys are a little older) and Shawn and I plan to spend a fun weekend together without kids.  But Thursday will be spent together as a family so it's really a win-win for me!

I finished the boys' Valentines and thought they turned out pretty cute.  This nose pencil sharpener is for Hudson.  I thought it was appropriate for a silly 4th grade boy!

 Cooper's gumball cards were fun to make.

 Another Pinterest idea was to write something I love about them onto a heart and tape it on their door.  It's been cute to watch them look for a new one each day.

This is on the menu for dinner tonight.  I pinned this a while back and made it once before and it turned out really good.  I scraped off some of the tomato mixture for the boys and they liked it as well. 

Have a blessed day!

Conflicted Hearts

A few weeks ago, the boys were wanting Shawn to do something for them.  Once he did, he went into the kitchen to tell them.  Cooper said "you are the best dad in the world!".......and then immediately corrected himself and said "um, the best second dad in the world."  You could tell that he felt guilty for saying it.  He realized that he sort of replaced Jason by that comment.

On our return flight from our Jackson Hole trip I caught myself saying...."wasn't that the best vacation ever?" But then I immediately corrected myself and said "the best winter vacation ever?"  Because Jason and I never really took the boys on a winter/snow trip and by correcting that statement I felt like I brought Jason back into the loop.  Stupid, I know.

Yesterday in the car Cooper said "I had to write 10 things about someone I love and I picked you, Shawn and Rudy."  Hudson immediately snapped and said "what about dad?"  Cooper quickly said "oh yea, and dad too...." but I knew that he told a little fib.  He had not included Jason on that list. I glanced into the rear view mirror and saw the disappointed look on his sweet face.  

I find that life is moving on and new memories are being made and our hearts are conflicted because life with Jason was wonderful.  But the reality is that life now is often good too and that's hard because we must admit that it's good even though Jason is no longer in it.  And that sucks.  

I still have days where I struggle to wrap my brain around all this.  I was laying in bed the other night talking with Shawn and I briefly had this "how did I get here?" moment.  I just find it hard to always accept and process that he's gone and I'm with someone new.

I hate that we feel guilty when we say certain things that relate to Jason and/or our relationship with him.  We are all so sensitive to this.  I really do feel that my life is cut into 2 different parts.  Life before Oct 5, 2011 and life after.  

I saw this quote the other day and it really stood out to me:

While I don't feel I keep re-reading.... I do feel that I struggle because it's a chapter that I didn't want or expect to end.  But on the flip side of that.....God has been so good to me.  I'm thankful and blessed to have a new chapter to start.

Kettlebells and Valentines

I found this at Target the other day and decided to add it to my running schedule a couple times a week.  I tried it for the first time today and wow....it's tough.  Or again, I'm just extremely out of shape.  Kind of sad when the intro has you whipped.

I was thinking today about how proud Jason would be of me. I have always loved yoga, Pilate's, kickboxing, etc....but never running.  I would talk from time to time about wanting to run and wanting to someday do a 5k or something like that.  I attempted to work my way through the Couch to 5k app a few times over the years but I never got past week 2.  Ever.

I was running this morning and just felt a peace come over me.  Not really sure why or what that means but something inside told me that he was so so proud of me.  And then I had to laugh at myself when I went to the computer and googled "what is the proper way to breathe while running".....because I'm finding that that is my biggest obstacle.  I feel that my body is catching up and doing okay but I don't quite have my breathing down yet.  While I should probably be on week 5 or so by now.......I'm still on week 3 day 3 because I keep repeating that one.  I look at the running times on week 4 and I'm not sure that I'm ready.  The good news is that I have until almost the end of April to get there.  So, plenty of time!

 My goal today is to get the boys' Valentines made.  I had the bright idea of making them this year (thanks to Pinterest) instead of buying them.  Hmmm.....the premade cards seem like a great idea right about now!

I've had several people ask about Shawn's job. It's going great.  It's highly technical so there is a big learning curve.  He is pretty hard on himself and very driven so he is anxious to know it all and anxious to start selling.  He comes home late (around 7) and is exhausted.  His brain is going a hundred miles an hour but he loves it. It's a good stress!

It's definitely been an adjustment for the boys and me.  Like I mentioned before....we were very spoiled with having him here so much.  In fact, one day last week Shawn had a networking mixer after work and knew he wouldn't get home until late.  He told the boys that morning before work that he wouldn't see them that night because they would already be in bed by the time he got home.  Later that evening, as the boys were winding down Hudson asked if Shawn was coming home soon.  I reminded him that he had to work late and his response: "yea, I'm not really liking this job thing."

Ha!!  I love that kid!