Life Insurance

It's a topic that very few want to discuss but it's one that every single person will need at some point.

Did you know that 10 out of 10 people are going to die?

The question isn't am I going to die......it's when am I going to die.  In my opinion, every adult needs life insurance whether you are 25 or 75.  I feel that it's the responsible way to relieve some of the financial burden off of your family.

Obviously, the amounts will be adjusted based on where you are at in life.  Amounts will probably be higher when you are younger/middle age and have children in the home.  Or, even based on your income and lifestyle.  What works for one family in their 30's might not work for another.  But you get the idea.  It's something that many families put off but it should be a top priority for you.  It's as simple as skipping a few dinners out per month.

I'm so thankful that Jason made this a priority.  We got life insurance right after we got married and I can assure you that we never, ever thought we would use it at this stage of life.  Purchasing life insurance is somewhat of a gamble.....most people will pay yearly premium for several years without getting any money in return. But it's a gamble that you do NOT want to take.  Once a person dies, you don't get a do-over.  No second chances to get a policy.  You either have it or you don't.  Don't be caught without it.

Now that I've convinced you of the importance, let's talk amounts.  I can't tell you how many people I've talked to that have told me that their husbands only have a small ($50K) policy that his work offers. I'm not saying that $50,000 isn't a lot of money but how long will that last you? Funerals are at least $10,000.  And if you have kids........well, then you know how expensive it is to raise children.  Do you stay home?  Would your life insurance amount allow you to continue staying home?  Or even if you work, would your life insurance amount allow you to keep your home and maintain your same lifestyle?  These are all important questions to ask yourself.

Unfortunately, most of us are worth more money when we are no longer alive.  It sucks.  I'd give every single penny back to have Jason still here.  But the reality is that we have 2 young boys.  And boys are expensive.  Especially my 6 year old that eats more than me and my 9 year old combined.  But that's another story!

I stopped teaching 6.5 years ago when Cooper was born.  Jason and I felt it was important for me to stay home.  The summer before he died, we talked and decided that I would continue to stay home (even though Cooper was starting kindergarten) and just teach preschool 2 days a week so that I would have flexibility and still be able to be there any time the boys needed me.  Life insurance has allowed me to continue that dream.  My dream of staying home didn't have to die just because he did.  What are your dreams and goals?

I'm young and so are the boys.  So obviously, I have myself on a budget and am being very smart with this money.  Since I don't work and I don't pay into a 401K or anything like that......a big part of that money needs to serve as my retirement.  Even with all that, I still have a life insurance policy on myself.  If something were to happen to me in the near future, my boys would have a lot of years that would need to be covered.

I would encourage you to get coverage on BOTH spouses.  Even though Jason was the bread winner, we still had a policy on me because if I died then he would be spending a lot of money to replace the work that I do for our family.  (cleaning the house, after school care for the boys, cooking, etc.....)  Lots of people have told me that they only have a policy on the husband.  Bad, bad idea.

I know this is a touchy subject but it's one that I'm passionate about and one that I feel I have earned the right to talk about. I can't even imagine how different this past year would have been for me if I had to move because I couldn't keep my house, if I had to return to work and was not given proper time to grieve, stress over how bills would be paid, etc...  I would venture to say that each of you loves your family and would never want to leave them in a bind.  Please do not put this off.  We are not promised tomorrow.  Make it a priority to get life insurance TODAY or at the latest THIS WEEK.

Okay, off my soap box.  Just trying to take care of my peeps.  :)

Friday Favorites

1.  Hummus

I know what your gonna say.  Ewww. 

Hummus is definitely an acquired taste.  A few years ago, I decided to see what all the hoopla was about.  And I wasn't impressed.  I was told to give it a few tries and after a while, I really started to like it.  I love the Roasted Garlic flavor and the Sabra brand is definitely my favorite of the ones I have tried.  It's perfect to eat with baby carrots, sliced bell peppers, or any of your favorite veggies.

2.  Real Housewives of.......

.....Beverly Hills, Orange County, New York and New Jersey.  I can't seem to get into Miami or Atlanta but the others have me sucked in for sure.  Kind of makes me feel normal.  And it reminds me that money can't buy you happiness.....or class.  (no pun intended Luann De Lesseps!)

3.  OPI Avoplex Cuticle Oil

I have the driest cuticles ever.  I keep this on my nightstand and rub it on my fingers every night.  Makes a huge difference.

4.  Color Block Nails

Speaking of nails......I'm loving the color block look right now.  Some people are getting really funky designs but this is a simple look that gives you a pop of color but still remains true to your more conservative side.  I went with a taupe color for 4 of the nails (OPI "over the taupe" shade) and then a mustard yellow for the ring finger.  (also an OPI shade but don't remember the name)  It's a great combination for fall. 

5.  This Swim Suit

I purchased a few swim suits for my honeymoon the other day.....and this is probably my favorite.  I've pretty much accepted the fact that my bikini days are over and I'm good with it. This suit is fun and stylish and doesn't scream "mom."

6.  Vitamix Blender

I have been salivating watching over this blender for a few years.  Let's be honest.....it costs a small fortune and I couldn't help but think "geez, it's just a blender!"  But once you have used this bad boy, you will wonder how you ever lived without it.  It makes smoothies and soups or you can make your own peanut butter or almond milk with it.  There is so much you can do with it.  Definitely worth the money!

7.  Catching up with friends

Had dinner last Friday night with some friends from high school.  We missed a few sweet faces but still managed to have a good time. 

Happy Friday!

The Boys

"You know, if you had died mom....I think it might have been a little harder."

This was the conversation I had with Hudson the other day.

In no way do I think he was referring to how much he loves or misses Jason versus me.  I think he was just trying to express that dad might have had a harder time keeping his head afloat.  Not long after Jason died, I remember telling my mom this exact thing.  I think it's probably more difficult when the wife dies.  At least it would have been in our situation.  While I can't say enough about what a great dad Jason was.....the fact of the matter is that it was me that stayed home and raised these boys during the day while he worked.  I take them to and from school.  I do homework.  I play.  I know which cup is the favorite, how Cooper likes his sandwich cut, how Hudson likes his stuffed animals stacked on his bed at night.  I know all the routines and rituals.

Jason was a strong man.  I know he could have made it without me.  I just think it might have taken a bit longer.  Fortunately, I was able to keep our routines in place from the very beginning (thanks to my mom!)  I'm pretty sure that is one reason the boys are doing so well.  It's almost like we never even skipped a beat.

Speaking of them......they really are doing good.  I remember my counselor telling me that the boys would recover before I would.  And I think she is right.  I've heard people say that the longer you spend with someone, the harder it is when they pass away.  Kids don't know what they don't know.  At this point, they don't really know that they got jipped. But they will one day.  Their grief will come much later in life......when they are able to reflect back and realize what they missed out on.  They will grieve the dad they didn't know.

We still find that the evenings are the hardest for us.  Probably because we were always so excited to hear the garage door open and know that he was home.  We made eating dinner together a priority.  We would take turns tucking the boys in....each laying in their beds and talking about the day with them.  I know that Hudson really, really misses that with Jason.

I can't tell you how grateful I am that they are doing so good.  When I hear other parents talk about how their kids are angry, acting out at school, shutting down.....it's then that I see just how lucky I am.  I thank God often for this blessing and I just continue to pray for their hearts.  That He will meet them where they are at.

The Closet: Take 2

I'm taking a break from cleaning out my closet.  Also known as "Operation: Make room for sweet boy."

I seriously have no idea where his stuff is going to go.

The closet was a really hard task for me last fall.  Once it was sorted through and cleared out....I decided to spread my things around so that there wasn't a lot of empty space.  I hated seeing the void of his clothes.  Combine that with some retail therapy sprinkled in over the last several months and it's easy to say that there isn't much room left. 

But that's a great problem to have.

It's crazy to think that our worlds will be coming together in the next several weeks.  We are all starting to feel that it's time.  The boys quietly ask him when he's going to come live at our house.  Sunday nights are hard because neither of us want him to go.  He finds that being at his house feels wrong and the boys and I feel that something is definitely missing when he's not here.

It's weird when I step back and compare the 2 "cleaning out the closet" situations.  The first was so extremely painful.  It was forced (because of the situation) and emotionally draining.  I felt sad and overwhelmed.  This time around it feels exciting.  It's a choice this time and it brings joy and hope to my heart.

I love moments like this when I feel in awe of what God is doing in my life.

Friday Favorites

Back when I was blogging regularly, I would often do something called: Friday Favorites.  Nothing special.....but I would just list things that I was loving at that moment.  Last night, a friend commented on the blog and mentioned that she missed my Friday Favorites.  So, Jenni this is for you!!

1.  Urban Decay Naked Palette

A few months ago I purchased this eyeshadow palette from Urban Decay.  While it's a bit pricey, there are practically an unlimited amount of color combinations you can create with this set.  It comes with a primer....which is good for people like me that have oily skin.  It really does help keep your eyeshadow looking good all day long.  The best part is that there are a ton of You Tube videos that will walk you through step by step on how to apply them.  Go on....run to Sephora and get yourself one.  You will thank me.

2.  Ankle boots

When I first saw this trend I wasn't sure what to think about it.  I happened to stumble on a super cute pair at Famous Footwear back in the spring.  I wanted to get out of my comfort zone and see if I could incorporate them into my wardrobe.  I have paired them with short dresses and leggings with semi long shirts.  I really like them now.  Warning- you just might get some looks from strangers.....or if you are like me, you might have a certain 9 year old that looks at you and says "mom, why are you wearing those?"  Gotta love the honesty of kids!

3.  Chevron Prints

I just can't seem to get enough of this print.  Whether it be on wrapping paper, a note card, or fabric on a shirt.....I am in LOVE with Chevron.

4.  Obagi Skincare

I've tried my fair share of skin care over the years.  I can't say enough about this product.  There are a few different sets to choose from (depending on if you are dry, oily, acne, etc...)  I use the Nu Derm line for oily skin.  It has a bleaching element that helps remove sun spots, acne scars, etc...  It's pricey as well but it is so so worth it.

5.  Lunch Cube To Go

If you have kids then this product really is a must.  My boys take their lunch to school every day.  This container is BPA free and helps eliminate the need for all the zip lock baggies that are wasteful and end up in our landfills.  My boys like that it keeps each food separated but all together.

6.  Cliff Jr Fruit Rope

I am pretty picky about sugar around here.  I don't buy a ton of sweets but this is one that I will get for me the boys to have on hand when they want something sweet.  With zero grams of fat and only 70 calories....it's made with organic fruit puree.  Definitely better than a handful of M&M's!

7.  Wine Flights

Several months ago, Shawn and I discovered wine flights.  We were eating at one of our favorite restaurants and we couldn't decide on a wine.  The waiter suggested a wine flight.....a sampling of several different wines.  It's a great way to branch out and try different kinds without getting stuck with a full glass if you happen to not like it.  I tend to be a creature of habit and this has helped me branch out.

Hope everyone has a happy Friday!!

Perspective

My A/C went out last week.  Three nights ago, I had to call a plumber because I had a big leak under my kitchen sink.  Yesterday morning, I burned a huge hole in a brand new, tags-still-attached shirt that I was planning to wear to Bible study.

Inconveniences.  It's called life.

The night I came home from the hospital after Jason died, I saw my US Weekly magazine laying on my night stand.  If you know me, then you know that sipping a glass of wine while I take a bubble bath and read my US Weekly is a regular event around here. (don't judge)  I looked at the magazine and had zero desire to pick it up.  Zero.  I didn't care about anything written in those pages.  I honestly thought at that moment that I'd never read a magazine again.  I glanced at the TV on my dresser and I just knew that I'd never turn it on again.  I could care less about what was being recorded or what was currently showing.  When I'd get on Facebook in order to reply to a message, I never looked at the news feed and I told myself that I wouldn't ever again.  I had no desire to join in the world around me.  Not a single thing mattered anymore.

Obviously, I was very extreme in my thoughts at the time.  I gradually started entering into the land of the living again.  US Weekly still comes every Friday.  My DVR gets full of recorded shows.  I spend my fair share of time on Facebook.  But my outlook has changed.

I'm human and I still get caught up in the inconveniences of life....but I find that I don't take things so seriously.  This is probably one of the few gifts that has come from this whole thing.  I have perspective.  I realize that there are issues and trials that are WAY bigger than the fact that I burned dinner tonight.  Life will still go on even when I get a flat tire.  The Earth will continue to turn when my prized flat iron has seen its better days.

Inconveniences.  It's called life......and one that I'm so very thankful and blessed to be living.

A Book

I have someone at least once a week tell me that I should write a book.  That makes me laugh each and every time because I've always considered writing to be my worst subject.  Seriously, I think I slept through writing class as a kid.  I always feel that my thoughts are jumbled and a huge mess most of the time.  I'm not too concerned though because my intention has always been to:

1. document this journey so that my boys can understand how I felt, what I went through, and why I did the things I did. 

2.  to serve as an outlet for me.  It's my safe place to vent.  It's my therapy.  In real life, it's hard for me to talk about most of what I write about on this blog.  In fact, it's not uncommon for my mom or Shawn or someone close to me to find things out here instead of hearing it directly from me.

The thought of writing a book sounds intriguing but then reality hits me and I wonder.....who in the world would even read it and would they pay money to read my story?  I highly doubt it so with that said....I'll stick to this little ole blog.  :)

I've always made sure that I portray the real me on here.  Years ago when I started this blog it was mostly to document cute things the boys said and give grandparents a way to see pictures and hear about the daily/weekly things going on in our lives.  Back then, blogs were really popular and it was not uncommon for me to catch up on other peoples' blogs while the boys were napping.  But you know what?  I found that a large number of blogs seemed artificial to me.  They painted a picture of the perfect life.  I would often read these blogs and walk away feeling that I wasn't a good enough mom, wife or friend.  I realized that reading these blogs did more harm than good and I kind of got away from even updating my own personal blog.  It wasn't until Jason died that I found myself back here.  Way back then and even now.....I make sure that you see all sides of me- the good and the bad. I never want someone to read my posts and feel inadequate in any way.  I will be the first to admit that I fall short in lots of areas, all the time. 

So, whether a book is ever written or I just continue to post here.....my main objective is to make sure it's not about me, or Jason or the boys.  It's really about honoring God and giving Him the credit.

Dread

I realized the other day that I'm dreading fall. I'm dreading pumpkins and costumes and festivals. It's ironic that last year I wanted to skip right over Christmas but this year it seems that fall is the one that is making me anxious.

The weekend before Jason died, he went into the attic and got my fall decorations down. We had a great weekend and I was able to squeeze in just enough time to get my fall decor up. After Jason died, I found myself at home....in a daze and often staring across the room....lost in a black hole of emotions. I would stare across the room and fix my eyes on whatever was directly across from me- much of the time it was a pumpkin on the entertainment center or a fall arrangement on the mantle. Unfortunately, I now associate my pain and sadness with these things. It sounds crazy and I'm sure very few can really understand it. It's weird how seeing these reminders can take me right back to how I felt in those first days and weeks.

I had lunch with a good friend on Friday and was telling her all about this and about how it brings back all the pain when I think about fall. She reminded me that it's normal and that over time, it will lessen. The last few weeks I've gone back and forth on how I want to handle fall at my house. Since I don't have the luxury to fast forward time or remove these things from my surroundings....I have no choice but to just embrace it. I know it wouldn't be fair to my boys if we didn't carve pumpkins this year. How sad my house would look if not a single fall decoration was to be found. What a downer to have a mom that didn't see the excitement in trick-or-treating. I choose to look past myself. I make a decision to choose joy even when I don't want to. This is really, really hard sometimes.

While shopping with my friend, I decided to just embrace fall. I stumbled on some cute fall/Halloween decorations and I made myself get them. Part of my dread might be digging through my fall boxes and pulling out things that I have collected over the years. Things that I associate with Jason and our family and all the memories we have made over the years. Maybe I need new. New decorations, new beginnings......

I realize that there is no Earthly solution to erasing my pain. Whether I bury my head in the sand or surround myself with brand new decorations...the void and pain and loss will still be there. Whatever solution I find, I know that it's temporary. The only permanent peace comes from the Lord. And I'm so thankful to know Him.

"The Lord is close to the brokenhearted; he rescues those who are crushed in spirit."- Psalm 34:18

Heart Walk

Last weekend, we participated in a heart walk for the American Heart Association.  Jason's sister, Hannah, coordinated a team and did an amazing job at fundraising and organizing this event.  She has also held another fundraiser and a blood drive in his honor.  I am so proud of Hannah and all the efforts she has put in to heart awareness and remembering Jason.  He loved her so much and was so proud of the beautiful young girl she has grown in to. 

Walking with the boys.



Random Ramblings

First, I just have to say wow!  You guys are awesome and sure know how to make a girl feel special.  I read every single comment that was left for me and I want to say thank you.  Thank you for the sweet words, thank you for coming "out of the closet" with encouraging statements, thank you for seeing that this journey is real and difficult and unwanted.

A while back, I got a message from another widow in regards to moving on with life.  Her husband had died several years ago and she had since remarried.  She talked about the feelings of guilt and that I should have none.  Zilch.  She talked about the wedding vows and she pointed out that the promise is to love "until death do us part."  Once someone dies, the promise is over.  Not to say that you no longer love that person but you are no longer bound by that vow.  She reminded me that I made a promise to Jason and that I fulfilled it.  I loved him until the second he left this Earth.  And I still do.  There is zero guilt with that.

Another friend that happened to marry a man with a very similar story to mine (wife died suddenly, there were children involved, he was engaged 11 months after his wife's death......) told me that he was also judged because of his choices.  His reply to them was: if you would like to trade places and walk in my shoes then I'd gladly give you this opportunity to live this life and all the emotions that come with it and make all the hard decisions that one must make.  I fully relate to this.  It's amazing that people are so quick to judge but I'm pretty sure I couldn't find a single person that would take this journey on.  Yet, many feel they are experienced and know what is best.  Let me tell you- this journey sucks.  I wouldn't wish it on anyone.  It's hell on Earth emotionally. It's tear-your-heart-out pain.  But at the end of the day, it's my journey and those choices are mine to make.  You might not understand or agree and that's okay.

*******************************************************************************

I have a few more Vail pictures that I wanted to share.

 Inside our room at the Arrabelle

 View from our room

 just minutes before he proposed

 sweet boy...had the hotel decorate our room while we were out.

 Came back to chocolate covered strawberries, our favorite wine, roses, etc.....

 Breakfast on our patio

 Going to dinner

Whitewater rafting. So fun!

Dear Anonymous

I figured it was only a matter of time before someone left a rude comment on this blog.  So this post is dedicated to you Anonymous and anyone else out there that has an opinion about the choices I make:

Dear Anonymous,

This blog is only a snapshot of me and my life.  I choose to write about a few events here and there but there is sooooo much more to me that you don't see.  I'm pretty certain you don't know me in real life because if you did, I think you would find it really hard to say those words.  You have NO idea what I do for my boys and for other people.  You have NO idea how I've helped countless people this last year.....because of my decision to tithe my life insurance money to bless others.  Doesn't sound very selfish to me.  But honestly I'm not here to toot my own horn and I really don't owe you or anyone else an explanation.

I realize that blogs are public and I definitely take a risk when I put my thoughts out there.  But the beauty of all this is that you have a choice on whether or not you come here to read.  So, if my decisions are sickening then please don't come to this blog and read it.  It's really that simple.

I understand your hang-up about the timing part.  I have struggled with it myself.  But what I have learned the last 49 weeks (I thought you might want to know since you seem so concerned) is that until you have walked in my shoes.....you absolutely can not judge.  You haven't lived my life and you haven't had any of the same experiences as me.  So, until you have- put a cork in it.

I will also go out on a limb to say that you didn't know Jason either.  So, to say what he would feel about me dating Shawn is ridiculous.  I know that Jason loved Shawn like a brother and he looked up to him in many ways. Jason loved the boys and me more than anything in the world.  I know that Jason would rather Shawn be in our lives then for us to be sad and alone.  Before his surgery, he actually told me that if I met a good Christian person that he wanted me to remarry one day.  I have and so I am.

To say that my boys deserve more than this.....wow, I'm not even sure how to start with this one.  Again, you don't know me or my parenting style or what I do with or for my kids.  What's ironic is that you are judging ME......when obviously your mama didn't teach you "if you don't have anything nice to say then don't say anything at all."  You should be ashamed of yourself for coming on here and talking to me that way.  I feel like I'm in junior high right now.  I bet you were a mean girl.

Finally, the fact that you make these rude and judgmental statements on here and allow yourself to remain "anonymous" is a huge joke.  If you really feel strong about what you have to say, please make sure to sign your name so that I can reply back directly to YOU instead of forcing everyone else to read this nonsense.

I can only assume that you are not a Christian because if you were you would actually be able to see that God's hand has been all over my family and this situation.  You are a very lost soul.  Again, I wish I knew your name so that I could pray specifically for you. :)

Yours truly,

The person who writes this blog and doesn't care what you think

Focused on the Goal

I got a call yesterday that the headstone had been installed.  I was planning to go there today after my Bible study.  However, I realized that after I got out of the shower......I was an emotional mess.  It was nearly impossible to control the tears so I decided it would probably be best if I skipped the study.  I knew that I needed to visit the cemetery by myself- without the boys so that I could have my "moment" without them there.

I got to the cemetery and parked my car.  I was pretty sure that I remembered where they said it was located.  I got out of the car and started walking.  I managed to walk right to it.......my eye actually spotted the fresh dirt before I physically reached it.  I am pretty sure I held my breath those last few steps.  

I looked down at the stone for several minutes- giving my brain time to process the wording.  And then the tears started.  I sat down on the grass next to it and just looked around.  It was a pretty morning.  Really quiet and peaceful there.  Such a surreal moment for me still.  I opened my Bible.......not even sure where to look.  I flipped through pages...searching for answers.  Looking for some explanation as to why this was my life.  Although I did find a few scriptures that were helpful, I found myself irritated because nothing was really speaking to me.  Nothing would explain why this was my journey.  Why me, Lord?

I stayed for about an hour.  I walked back to my car feeling very empty handed.  I didn't feel moved, or carried, or at peace.  While driving, I started talking with God....telling him that I was mad.  I asked why us? Why Jason?  Why not me?  I told him that I was tired of this and that I felt he had used me and my story enough.  I told him that I no longer wanted to be the example.  I don't want to be strong or be an inspiration to others.  I am done.

I hate days like today.  My heart feels hard.  It doesn't feel natural.  It's not like me. But, I know it's justified.  I know that the anger is understandable and I know that God loves me anyways. 

Even though part of me wanted to go home and get into bed, I decided I needed to run some errands and get some things done.  I was walking around the Dollar store (getting some things for Hudson's classroom) and I needed to use the restroom.  Right before I walked out of the stall, I happened to turn my head and I noticed this written on the wall:

I don't know about you but I don't recall ever seeing anything positive written in a restroom.  I typically see curse words, phone numbers, and that sort of thing.  This was the only thing written in this particular stall.  I might be reaching here but I really think I was meant to see this.  

This kind of goes along with the first verse I found in my Bible today and one that I kept going back to:

Philippians 3:12-14

The Message (MSG)

Focused on the Goal

^12-14 I’m not saying that I have this all together, that I have it made. But I am well on my way, reaching out for Christ, who has so wondrously reached out for me. Friends, don’t get me wrong: By no means do I count myself an expert in all of this, but I’ve got my eye on the goal, where God is beckoning us onward—to Jesus. I’m off and running, and I’m not turning back.

Time

Time heals all wounds.

I hate that statement.  Maybe it's because I don't feel anywhere near healed.  And I'm not sure that I ever will.  Of course, I do agree that time allows the shock to wear off.  Time allows a new normal to be established.  But healed?  Hmmm, not sure about that one.

It's quite possible that I just don't understand this statement because I'm not far enough down the road.  Will I look back one day and say that I'm finally fully healed? 

What I do imagine is that I will learn to feel content.  And at peace.  Full of joy.

It's what you do with the time that heals.

The Proposal

Lots of people are curious about the proposal story.  I've started writing it several times and every single time I do, I end up deleting it.  I'm not sure why.  Maybe it's because I feel I can't do it justice.  I'll give the condensed version here:

Like I mentioned before, we went to Colorado for the long weekend.  We spent Friday night with Shawn's brother and then headed to Vail on Saturday morning.  The drive up took longer than expected.  The traffic was crazy and the weather was just as bizarre.  It would literally rain and the sky would get really dark and then 20 minutes later it was bright and sunny without a cloud in the sky.  Little did I know that he was freaking out inside because he was planning to propose that night.  On the top of the mountain.  Outside.  Without a plan B.

We got to our hotel (which was insanely amazing by the way!), got settled in and just spent some time looking around and admiring our beautiful view.  Then we started getting ready for the night.  He told me that we had reservations for dinner at the top of the mountain.  He wanted to get up there a little early though so that we could walk around before it was time to eat.  Because of this "extra" time, I wasn't too concerned about leaving at a specific time.  I enjoyed my hot shower and listened to music on my phone while I was getting ready.  Little did I know that he was freaking out because he didn't want to seem too pushy with getting on the mountain but he had hired a photographer to wait there for us and technically we did have to be there at a specific time.

We rode the gondola up to the top of the mountain.  Once there, he told me that he wanted to walk around for a bit.  It was pretty windy up there and I wasn't exactly dressed to hike a long distance.  I was content with just looking around where we were but he grabbed my hand and led me down a path.  We walked for a while......and the nervous chatting started on his part.  I remember thinking it was kind of random and repetitive and looking back now I see that he was so nervous about everything he had done to get us to that point.  As we were walking, I noticed a guy taking pictures ahead of us and it seemed off to me.  I mentioned this to Shawn and he sort of brushed it off.  He told me that he wanted to take me to this wedding deck- which was located right on the side of the mountain.  I pulled my camera out and started taking pictures because the view was breathtaking.  I finished and put my camera away and then he grabbed my hands.  He led me to a certain spot on the wedding deck and moved my body so that I was positioned/turned a certain way.  At that moment, I realized that the random photographer was with us....and that he wanted to make sure we were both seen in the pictures.

He started talking...and tearing up...and said some really amazing things to me.  He got down on one knee and asked me the question that he's waited 42 years to ask.  And I said yes.

There are obviously a hundred details that I didn't mention and probably more that I don't even know about myself.  I do know that this sweet boy spent weeks planning this and I'm pretty sure that half of the hotel was in on it.  It was perfect and precious in every way.  The fact that he hired someone to capture that moment is just one small example of what an amazing guy he is!

We met back with the photographer on Monday to take a few pictures around the village in regular clothes.



Some Q & A

I've said it before but I'll say it again.....I seriously have the best friends ever.  The texts, calls, and messages that have come my way the last couple of days have been so encouraging and humbling.  I've had lots of questions so I thought it might be helpful to answer some of them here.

Q:  Did you know he was going to propose?

A:  I didn't know exactly when but I knew it was coming at some point.  We had had the "talk" this summer and had already had an appointment with a jewelry designer so I did know that we were headed in that direction.  As for when or where...I wasn't 100% sure. 

Q:  Do you have a date set?

A:  Yes.  And we won't have a super long engagement.  We have talked a lot about the boys and transitioning ourselves as a family.  We both feel that being married and together for the holidays is the best thing for all of us. 

Q:  (more like a statement) Girl, you are not wasting any time :)

A:  Nope.  None of us are promised tomorrow so I'm throwing caution to the wind!  :) On a more serious note, I really don't see a need to wait a long time.  When you know, you just know.  Jason and I didn't date a super long time..... we got engaged about 6 months after dating and were married 6 months after that.  Besides, my boys are over the moon excited for him to be here all the time.  It just feels right.

Q:  Will you have a big wedding?

A:  Nope.  Been there and done that.  Even though this is Shawn's first time to get married, he is perfectly happy with a simple wedding.  I'm pretty sure we have decided on family only.  We are realizing that it will be extremely difficult to invite a small group of friends without hurting feelings or leaving people out.  We are both blessed with lots of friends so that would result in a huge ceremony.

Q:  What do the boys think?

A:  Besides the fact that they will inherit an Xbox when Shawn moves in (which they are thrilled about) they really do love him.  When we told the boys on Tuesday night, Shawn explained to them that even though we are getting married......that he never intends to take their daddy's place.  We explained that they will have 2- one in heaven and one on Earth.

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Now that we are back home, the reality is setting in for me.  I saw lots of friends at Bible study yesterday morning and then again at preschool today.  Everyone wants to see the ring, hear the story, and give encouraging words.  It's been fun and exciting.  But it's also bringing up lots of emotions that I expected but have dreaded. 

We decided to wait and tell our family when we got back home from Colorado.  Shawn asked me to wait because he knows that I'm really sensitive when it comes to everyone else.  He wanted that time to be about us..... and free of any nerves or guilt.  It was a good decision but I knew that telling them on Monday evening was still going to be really hard.  And it was.  He held my hand on the plane ride home as I cried like a baby because I had just told Jason's mom our news.  Even though she is really happy for me...I knew it would hurt her.  And I hate that so much.

While sharing our engagement with others the last few days, I have found myself still feeling the need to defend.  Defend my love for Jason.  Remind others that I'm still grieving.  Darn you grief.  I wonder if I will ever be free of that?

Of course, Shawn has been nothing but amazing when it comes to reminding me that this is all just part of the process.  I have felt sad and guilty the last few days because I hate that I can't be 100% excited and full of happiness without there being sadness mixed in.  Then again, this is just another example of the "loving me" thing I wrote about a couple of weeks ago.  It's part of the package when you date a widow.  Lots of ups and downs emotionally.  But I have the most loving and understanding man beside me.  God is good!

Proposal Pictures

 Vail, Colorado

September 1, 2012

So Blessed

He asked.  I said yes.