I've put this post off for almost 9 weeks now. I struggle with going back to that day in my mind but I also wonder if down the road, I'll want to reflect back on what happened. There are still times when a new memory will pop up from those 2 days.....something I had forgotten. I'm sure I'll still continue to remember something new so I may even have to update this post from time to time. So, here it goes:
Tuesday, Oct 4 started like any other normal day around here. I got myself up and ready, got the boys up and ready for school. Dropped the boys off and then headed to preschool. I teach preschool 2 days a week in Southlake. I had a good day in the 3's class- just busy with those sweet kids. I gathered my things and headed to school to pick the boys up.
I got to school 5-10 minutes early and made my way into the pickup line. I turned my car off and rolled the windows down, trying to enjoy a few minutes of quiet before the boys piled in the car. I got a text from Jason about 2:57 saying something like "don't panic, I'm at the Baylor ER. Pains in my chest but they have run some tests and ruled out the heart and everything serious. Think it's an ulcer near my esophagus." Of course I panic and pick up my phone to call him. We briefly talk about what's been going on. He informed me that at around lunch time, he got a really deep pain in his chest. The middle of his chest, not over his heart. He said he got hot all over and the room started to fade to a white color. With it being lunch time and the intensity of the pain, he decided he needed to leave to have himself checked out. This is one of the reasons panic set in for me. If you knew Jason then you knew that he never made a fuss over himself. For him to drive himself there was a huge indicator that he felt something was wrong. He couldn't find his boss but he asked a few coworkers to let him know that he was heading to Baylor. He had to pull over once on his way. That white coloring was causing a distraction for him while driving. He made his way to Baylor- thankfully only had a short drive- and checked himself into the ER. He had been there about an hour and a half before he contacted me. I think he wanted to get checked out first so that when he did finally tell me, he could assure me that things were going to be okay. Sweet boy, always trying to protect me.
I immediately called my mom- who answered the phone and sounded like she had been hit by a truck. She was really sick and obviously was in no condition to come watch the boys for me so that I could make my way to the ER. Next, I called Jason's sister- who lives and works near us. This particular day, she was working off site and not really in a position to come keep the boys either. Thankfully Jason's step dad was home and was able to head my direction. I got the boys home and settled in- the entire time trying to stay calm and not let them know that something was going on. I actually told them that I had a "meeting" to go to really fast and that Papa Jim was coming to play with them. They were excited and thought nothing of it. I quickly made my way around the house- setting out pajamas, looking for something to throw together for the boys to eat, trying to make sure things were easily accessible in case Jim needed something. In my mind, I realized that we might not be home until after dinner so I tossed a granola bar into my purse and waited. Jim came and I made my way to the hospital.
Once I got there, I found Jason in an ER room and he seemed to be feeling pretty good. They had first given him a pain med that didn't phase him but they moved on to morphine, which seemed to be working. We talked for a bit but within no time his pain was coming back. He pushed the nurse paging button next to his bed. We waited for a few minutes. Nothing. I walked out to the nurses station and asked if someone could please come look at him. I went back to the room and waited. Nothing. Jason's pain was continuing to increase so he pushed the button again. Finally, someone came in and administered additional morphine. At this point, I was nervous.....I honestly can't stand hospitals.....but he had assured me that they had ruled out the really serious stuff. I wish I had asked him in more detail exactly which tests they ran before he called me. A male nurse came in and asked if they had taken Jason for his CT scan. We told him no and he left to go find out when that would take place. About 10 minutes later, a tech came in and started unplugging wires from the bed and explained to me that they would wheel him down for the CT scan and bring him right back. I was told that they were looking at the pulmonary area to check for ulcers or even blood clots in the lungs. I watched as they pushed him out of the room and was praying so hard that what they found was an easy fix. I used this time to text and update family. I really didn't have much info at this time but I wanted to let everyone know what was going on. His mom and sister were heading up there.
About 10-15 later, the tech brought Jason back to the room. I might be exaggerating here but I swear there were about 10 other medical staff with them. My heart sank. I knew. We had been begging for attention and additional pain meds a few minutes ago. Now, half the floor was in our room. I immediately started crying. The male nurse explained to us that "a suspicious area was detected around the aorta." Everything started running together at this point. There were nurses coming in and out, people reconnecting Jason to the wires, another nurse drawing a diagram on the dry erase board.....the answers to my questions were pretty vague. I heard snippets of information- "heart surgery", "aneurysm in the aorta", "heart surgeon headed here now" I really can't explain the panic that took over. I looked at Jason, who stared back at me with eyes that told me it would be okay. He never once cried. He grabbed my hand and whispered that we would be okay. He was so brave. He was being brave for me. I wonder if he was scared at all? Had God given him a peace?
I started texting his mom and sister telling them to get there immediately and that they were talking about heart surgery. The surgeon finally got there and came into the room to discuss the procedure. They explained that Jason had an aneurysm in his aorta and that without surgery, he would die. I felt that the doctor was only giving us part of the information. It wasn't until I pressed the issue that he told me there was a 30-40% chance he wouldn't survive the surgery. I went out into the hallway for a minute to make a phone call and was immediately greeted by the chaplain. He started talking to me and asked to pray with me. I remember saying, "do you know something that I don't know? Did they tell you that he would die?" I was begging for any information at this point. We stood in the hallway and prayed together and then I went back into the room. Things were moving fast and they were starting to prep him for surgery.
I'm not sure if the staff intentionally left the room for a few minutes or if it just happened to work out that way. Either way, so thankful for those few minutes alone. Jason motioned me over to his bed and asked if we could pray together. I was crying so hard and telling him that I loved him and couldn't do this alone. We held hands and prayed together and even though I don't remember everything he prayed that day, I do know that he asked that God's will be done, that God would protect the boys and me, and that God would forgive him for all of his sins. He looked at me and told me how much he loved me and how thankful he was for me. He told me what a great wife and mom I was and that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have had me. He looked me right in the eyes and told me that if he did die, that he wanted me to be happy. He said that he didn't want me to be alone and that if I ever found another Christian man that I loved, it was his blessing for me to remarry. I shook my head and told him no. No, I didn't even want to think about that!! Was I really having this conversation? It was so typical for him to think about me instead of himself. He wanted to give me the gift of freedom in the event he did die. What an amazing man.
We decided that Jason needed to call the boys. We certainly didn't want to alarm them but we did want Jason to have a chance to talk with them one last time before surgery. Jason called and asked about their day.....told them he was at the doctor and they were working to make him better. He told them how much he loved them and that he was proud of them. I sat in the chair and cried, thinking about these precious boys at home playing with Legos and completely clueless that this might be the last time they talked to their daddy. And it was.
Jason's mom, sister, and my sister made it to the hospital. Jason decided to update his facebook status- actually he asked me if that was corny or not but I told him no, that the more people that could be praying for him the better. A nurse was pushing forms in front of Jason and showing him where to sign. He was giving permission to be treated and permission to receive blood. In order to make light of the situation, Jason looked at the doctor and said "if you don't mind, I'd really prefer only UT blood because I love the longhorns." I was amazed that he could crack a joke at a time like this. Again, just his way of trying to keep me calm. The medical staff was finishing up and the anesthesiologist came in to begin his part. We kissed a few times and I whispered in his ear that I'd be waiting for him. And so the waiting started.
We were initially told that the surgery would be 6-8 hours long. I was told that the surgery is often successful but I was warned that what tends to happen is that the bleeding won't stop and that this is where the real issue is at. It was a waiting game for sure. We were moved to a large waiting area and family and friends started piling in. I can't even begin to express how thankful I was and am to have been surrounded by amazing people that love our family. We had moments of prayer, times of talking and moments of silence where we were lost in our own thoughts about what was going on. I had great moments of peace during this time. I was thankful for the distractions in that waiting room. It definitely made the time move along. The staff took my cell phone number and promised to call with updates. I received my first update about an hour and a half into the surgery. I was told that he was on full breathing and heart bypass but that he was doing well. A few more hours went by without any updating. The next update was that the surgery was over and that they were in the waiting period- trying to make sure the bleeding was under control. The hours marched on and the waiting room was never empty. I had friends and family that were there the entire time, never leaving my side. These are precious friends that have families of their own. They had jobs to work at the next day. They loved Jason enough to stay. I will never be able to express my appreciation for the time that was spent there and the personal sacrifices that were made.
I got another update that the bleeding would not stop. I don't even know what time it was at this point.....early in the hours on Wednesday morning. I had not slept and was still in my preschool shirt from the day before. I was functioning on full adrenaline. I had promised Jason that I would wait for him and I did. Waiting and praying. I can't really explain the transformation that took place in me during those hours but something was making me feel as if he wouldn't make it. I questioned myself and wondered if it was a lack of faith. I knew that God could heal him but for some reason, I felt that he wouldn't. Was God preparing me? We continued to get word that he was not clotting and that things were not looking good. The doctor came to talk to us and told me that he would not stop until there was nothing more to do. He did tell me that if this had been a 70 year old man that he would have already stopped. You could see in the doctors eyes that he was heartbroken to be working on a healthy young man like Jason. I trusted him and felt so great about this surgeon. He was honest and sincere and several people told me that his reputation was amazing. I knew Jason was in the best Earthly hands possible.
More family and friends piled in as the day started (wed, oct 5) and it was more of the same- waiting, talking, and praying. The surgery ended up lasting 20 hours. A nurse came down and called the family into a room. She said that they were closing him up and that the doctor would be in shortly to talk to us. I was confused- so the surgery was a success? Would they take the time to "close him up" if he had died? I asked questions and got very general answers and was told that the doctor would give us all the information we needed. We waited for what seemed like forever in a tiny waiting area. I sat there, waiting to hear the outcome and figure out the fate of our family. The doctor came in and started talking. I heard nothing. I wanted to know- dead or alive? He was talking in medical terms. I think I cut him off and asked "so, did he make it?" He shook his head and said no.
I remember thinking that I wanted to run out of that hospital as fast as I could. I wanted to yell. I wanted to beg him to keep trying, even though I know he tried way longer than he ever should have. I walked out of the small waiting room before he was even finished talking. I ran into the arms of my friend and lost it. I remember stomping my feet and feeling so alone and in disbelief. Why did this happen? How did we get here? Please Lord tell me I will wake up from this nightmare.
Someone came and told me that they were moving Jason into a private room so that we could go and spend a little time with him. I immediately said I didn't want to go. I've always been weird about seeing people in caskets at funerals. Every time I've looked I have always regretted it. I always remember saying that I wish I hadn't and that I wanted to remember that person alive. I stewed on that for a few minutes.....going back and forth. I knew it was either now or never and that I'd never get a chance to do it. I leaned against the wall and fervently prayed about it, begging God to give me a clear answer. The answer was yes, you need to do this. I went back and told the worker that I did want to go but that I wanted to go alone. They allowed me to go first. We rode the elevator up and I was led into the room where they had taken him. I have no idea how these feet managed to walk across that room and over to the bed. He was so swollen. The 20 hour surgery had taken it's toll on his body. The blanket was pulled up to his neck. I moved the blanket back and touched his arm. He was still warm. I stroked his hand and put my head on the pillow next to his. I whispered into his ear...I love you, I miss you already, I'm so sorry, how can I live without you? I was in shock. My body was so unsure how to act. I told him goodbye and robotically left the room.
My best friends offered to drive my car home and two sweet guy friends from church offered to drive Jason's car home. I rode back with my sister. I have no idea what we said during that drive, if anything. I just remember thinking and praying because I was faced with the most difficult conversation of my life. Telling my boys that their daddy was in heaven.
At my mom's house- Jason's 30th surprise birthday party.
