Half Way

That's pretty much how I'm feeling about most aspects of my life right now. I feel like I'm doing everything half as good as I should. I'm struggling to find motivation at times. I seem to be stuck in this "blah" stage right now.

I'll confess- my boys have watched way too much TV the last 5 months, have played with their ipod touches way too much lately, and I lack patience with them most days. I'm beat. Emotionally and physically. I feel like I'm being half the mom they deserve most days.

I feel guilty that I don't have the energy or desire to do the things I did pre Oct. 5. I know this is just where I'm at right now but it sure doesn't make me feel better that my kids are getting the shaft. I pray all the time that I'll snap out of this funk.......that I'll pull up my big girl panties and be the mom and person I know I should be. When do I say enough is enough?

I've mentioned that parenting alone is hard. It is in every way. Lately I'm getting feedback like "you never let me do that....." or "you always blame me for that." I've been told that ever since dad has been gone, all I do is get upset with them. Maybe I do. It's hard being the only one that breaks up an argument, the only one that enforces rules, the only one that makes them do homework, the only one that asks them to clean up their messes. Being the "only one" stinks.

I got a call on Friday that the grief center has an opening for us in their monthly loss group. The loss group for those that have lost a parent is still full (which meets every other week) but their mixed loss group (that meets once a month) has room for us now. We start March 5. I'm curious to see what it will be like. The boys will separate into age based groups while the parents meet and have a session too. I think it will be good for all of us to connect with others that truly "get" our situation.

I've had a few friends over the last week or two send me an email or talk to me in person about Jason or about how I'm doing. Both of them apologized for mentioning him and said that they didn't want to upset me. I appreciate that sooo much but I want to emphasize that talking about him helps me in so many ways. While some conversations are funny or comfortable, some might be sad. Either way, I grow stronger every time I take part in something like this. I try to explain it like this: imagine that I'm carrying a huge load all by myself......every time someone talks about Jason, I break a piece off and hand it to the other person. Over time, I share this load with others and that takes a HUGE weight off of me. So, please know that it makes me more sad to think that others are forgetting him than to just talk about him like normal. He was such a huge part of my life and I never want to forget him!

5 Months

20 weeks. That just doesn't even seem right. Looking back, I've always seemed to count up to major events by weeks. I remember when Jason and I were engaged, I would say, "only 10 more Saturdays until our wedding." Jason on the other hand counted the number of days until we got married. I was teaching school back then and he would often email me during the day to let me know how many days were left. It was precious to see how excited he was about starting that chapter together. I think he even had a small dry erase board in his office and he changed it every morning to reflect the number of days.

I continue to see myself getting stronger all the time. I told someone the other day that the boys and I have definitely found our routine and established our new normals. The weirdness has worn off for most things (like the empty seat at the dinner table is unfortunately now normal to us) and I'm accepting this life for what it is. It doesn't mean that it's still not hard or painful. It's just not new or weird anymore.

I will say though that I still have moments where I will question if this is really my life. It's hard to explain and it even sounds weird to type. Before his death I wouldn't have really understood that. Even though I know that he's gone I will still have moments where my brain will question it. Almost like I have to remind myself that it really happened.

I find myself having lots of good days where I'm able to find happiness. Obviously there are moments sprinkled in that are hard and those often come without warning. My counselor told me that this would happen. For example, Cooper was the star student last week. We had to make a poster with pictures and information about all his favorite things. I had some pictures printed and I made a simple poster for him to take to school. A few of the pictures included Jason....one of them was just of Jason and the boys. I remember writing underneath it : "My daddy is the best." Before writing it though, I went back and forth about whether I should write "my daddy was the best" or "my daddy is the best." Something very simple but a huge punch in the gut to me. I didn't want to put anything that would draw attention to the fact that Jason is in heaven and take away from Cooper's spotlight......but I also figured it might come up while he was presenting it to his class. I sat there and just cried while I thought about the semantics and which was most appropriate. I was honestly irritated that I even had to think about it. So, Cooper got into the car yesterday and brought his poster back home since a new child is star student this week. It sat in the front seat of my car and I couldn't help but look at the pictures and feel sad and jealous of the life and sweet family we once had. I started crying and tried to hide that from the boys on the ride home. Then I realized it had been a while since they had seen me cry....and I've always said that I want them to know it's okay to do that. We got home before Hudson noticed. We were in the kitchen and he looked at me and asked if I was crying. I said yes and told him that I missed dad. In such a mature way, he looked at me and repeated words that he's heard me say over and over to him...... "mom, we will see him again one day!" I stood there in awe of my sweet 8 year old and the sensitive heart that continues to form inside of him. God has blessed me beyond measure.

Speaking of the boys.....they continue to do well. We have still not started that group counseling session yet. They are full and we are basically waiting to get in. I'm thinking that I should probably try to find someone local to work with them individually (or together but not in a big group with other kids) just to make sure they are dealing with their emotions. I've noticed that Cooper is not as emotional as he was right after the death and Hudson seems to have more of a peace about the situation. My counselor told me that kids are so resilient and that they would more than likely be okay before I'm truly okay. I'm good with that.

It feels like forever since I last talked to him. Up until recently I would tell people that it all seemed like yesterday that this happened. Today, I feel like so much time has passed and that it's been a lifetime since we were together. I close my eyes and try to hear his voice.....I envision his huge smile and his gentle spirit........ and my heart is happy.

No Words

I honestly have no words to describe my feelings today. Honored. Humbled. Overwhelmed. Speechless. Grateful.

I've mentioned several times over the last few months how lucky and blessed I feel to have amazing friends. Old friends, new friendships that have formed because of this tragedy, and stranger friends that don't know me but are drawn to my story. Hundreds of people continuing to pray and bless this little family of mine.

Obviously, lots of things were going on in the beginning. People were reaching out and doing things for us in order to help out. Over time, those things started to thin out (as they should) and you realize that people are going on with their lives. I've been amazed that I still have friends that haven't stopped loving and providing for us- even though 19 weeks have come and gone.

Starting sometime last week, I began to get emails, texts and messages from friends telling me that they were thinking about me and that they know today (Valentine's Day) would be hard for me. For some reason, God was putting me on their hearts.

This week, I've been abundantly blessed by a crazy amount of people. Yesterday, I heard lawn mowers going mid morning.......I looked out my window and saw a crew of guys cutting my grass. Our sweet friend owns his own landscaping company and he sent his guys over to cut my grass. He didn't ask. He just did. At preschool today, I had so many sweet friends come by my classroom to deliver cards and gifts. All for me. Many of these girls barely know me. I think I mentioned that this is my first year at this particular preschool. I taught there maybe 5-6 weeks before Jason died. I can't begin to explain how touched I am by this. These gifts were personal. Lots of thought and consideration went into them. One group of girls bought me a CHI hairdryer because they heard I was thinking about getting one......but was too cheap to actually buy it myself. This same group bought a snap circuit kit for the boys (which they are in love with) One friend bought me some bubble bath and another gave me a gift card to Bath and Body with a precious note telling me to get some new bubble bath.......all because my previous post mentioned using the last of the bubble bath that Jason gave me. Others gave me gift cards to Starbucks so that I could grab a cup of coffee with a friend and make time for myself.....again, information from a previous post. Gift cards to Charming Charlies, Sonic, etc.... Another girl brought me a card and said it was from her bible study group. It contained a sweet note and a very generous Target gift card. These are from complete strangers. Wow. Again......no words.

My preschool director brought dinner tonight.....homemade raviolis with amazing sauces, salad, yummy bread, fondue supplies. It was fabulous. She brought balloons for the boys, art supplies, a video game, etc...... all from amazing friends from school.

Right after Jason died, my small group from church offered to pay for some biweekly housecleaning for me. We did that through the holidays and then I didn't feel right allowing them to continue to pay for that. I knew it was something I wanted to keep doing for a while, until I didn't feel quite so overwhelmed with life. I called the company that I've used off and on for several years now. While speaking to the owner, she asked me for my address. I gave it to her and once she found my file she said, "oh, we call you the Valentine girl." The reason for this is because a few years ago, I told Jason that I wanted a Top to Bottom cleaning at our house. I wanted someone to come in and clean ceiling fans, dust every square inch of the baseboards, wipe down the top of my refrigerator, etc... He hired this particular company to do this for us and the owner referred to me as "valentine girl" because she knew this was Jason's present for me. After she told me this, I explained what had happened to him and she was so upset by this. She told me that she wanted to come and clean my house but that she would not accept payment from me. I argued with her about this but she finally told me that she would just rip my check up if I left one for her. So, I agreed and allowed her to send her crew to clean without me paying them. Well, she called me again today.....to wish me a Happy Valentine's Day and then told me that they would be coming tomorrow to clean and that I was to NOT leave a check. She said it's just something she wants to do for a while. Again, no words.

Now if you know me then you know that accepting these kinds of things is hard. I have always had a heart for helping and blessing others but to be on the receiving end is a different thing altogether. God has worked on me the last few months.....allowing me to learn to accept them and realize that by refusing them, I take that from the person wanting to help. I know that this is just a season for me and that one day, I'll be back to helping and doing for others. For now, I'm learning to be content and have peace where God is placing me. And He knows that my heart needs this extra love and attention right now.

I want everyone to know that I'm completely in awe and that words fail me when I try to explain how these gestures impact me. These blessings are an amazing example of love that I can share with my boys. You all are part of our story. Your love and generosity makes me want to be a better person. Thank you for that!

Perspective

I spent some time today tackling the closet once again. I've somewhat done this in stages. I cleared out the drawers a while back, went through some of his clothes from the closet......and finally today, I took every single article of clothing off the hanger and placed it into a trash bag. I had already pulled a few things for the boys (boy scouts shirts, watchdog shirts.....everything that would be sentimental) and allowed some friends and family to take a few things. There was still a TON of things left- shirts, dress pants, suits, etc..... It took quite some time because I checked every pocket on everything in there. I bagged shoes, belts, ties, and hats that have just been taking up space these last several months. Looking back, I realize that doing this in stages was the best approach for me. It wasn't new territory. It was still hard but it wasn't unfamiliar. These were the exact baby steps my heart needed.

My mind was flooded with memories as I unbuttoned clothes and thought about things we did together while he wore them. My eyes filled with tears at certain moments but today I was actually able to smile. I kept repeating to myself "I will see you again.... I will see you again...... I WILL see you again." How awesome is that reality?

Earlier today I was reading from a book and came across this story:

Perspective. That's what our friend Bill Lee offered to me and to everyone else who attended the funeral service for his wife, Carol Ann. Bill told us how he had responded to his children's anguish over how long the future seemed before they would see their mom again. Holding up a small silver keepsake tube, he told his children, "This tube represents time." Then, pointing to progressive points on the tube, he explained, "Imagine here is where mom was born, and here is where you were born. Right here is where mom died, and somewhere out here is where you and I will die and go to heaven." Then, recalling a cross-country trip their family had taken two weeks before Carol Ann died, he said, "Now imagine a string extending from the tube out the door, down the street, and across the miles of Tennessee through the Midwest and across the Rocky Mountains and up into the stars. The time you will spend without your mom is shorter than the length of this tube, but the time you will spend with mom in eternity is like the string that goes on and on and never ends." Putting the years of life without her in perspective of eternity with her made the time of waiting seem bearable and even brief.

Talk about perspective! Love that story so much.

Although I hate the empty closet and even felt weird about moving my things over to his side, I kept praying that I could continue to nurture that eternal perspective.

"Though our bodies are dying, our spirits are being renewed every day. For our present troubles are quite small and won't last very long. Yet they produce for us an immeasurably great glory that will last forever!"

2 Corinthians 4:16-17

You'll Never....

• hear Cooper read


• give girl advice to the boys


• witness a graduation


• see our boys get married


• become a grandpa


• enjoy retirement

...... and that makes me very sad.

On the flip side of that, you'll never:

• catch a cold


• get your feelings hurt


• battle cancer


• stress about money


• feel disappointed


• know the pain of losing a spouse

...... and for that I'm grateful.

The Lasts

I've mentioned before that the "firsts" have been incredibly hard. Lately, the "lasts" are proving to be equally as hard. Every day I'm moving further and further from the last time I saw him.

The other night I was using the last of the bubble bath he bought me for Mother's Day. Kind of sounds cheesy but as I poured the last bit into the running water, I got really emotional.

The other day, I used my last pedicure gift certificate he gave me this summer. He had gotten really good about buying gift certificates for me so that I'd force myself to go and make time for myself. I got sad as I handed her the paper and realized I'd never get another from him.

Thinking about the last family outing we had. We took the boys to the State Fair that Sunday, just 3 days before he died. We spent an outrageous amount of money that day on food and rides and tickets. Strangely, Jason didn't mind. He was typically pretty frugal when it came to money. That day he bought the boys everything they asked for and even spent a ton on one game in particular so that the boys could each get an Angry Birds stuffed animal......the last toy their daddy would give them. I'm so glad we had a fun day together. I wish so much that I would have taken some pictures. Why didn't I do that?

The last picture we took as a family....(Sept 2011)

... a couple of weeks before he died. We took the boys to the Ranger game. Some time during the game, he took Cooper walking around because he was getting antsy. He came back with a Ranger shirt for me because I didn't have one to wear that day. It's hanging in my closet, tags still attached. It will for sure be bittersweet next season when I pull it out. More than likely the last little gift he gave me.

All of these things are just a reminder that any day can be our last. We need to cherish every memory, every event, every day that we get to spend together. I'm constantly trying to remember this so that I don't take a single day for granted.

Room for Both

A couple of weeks ago, I had someone make a comment to me (in a really sincere voice and with a sensitive heart) : "I'm so glad that you are still young and will be able to remarry one day."

While I know this comment was heartfelt and came from a good place, it really hurt. Are we able to just replace our loved ones that easily? I felt like commenting back, "well, if you lose a child then you can just go on to have another." Can we ever fully fill the void that is left behind when a person dies?

I would venture to say yes and no. While you can't ever replace that person, you can more than likely find joy again that makes that void less noticeable. It doesn't mean you can't love another spouse or love another child..........it will just always be different.

I remember talking to my counselor several weeks ago about this topic. She explained it to me like this:

There is a mom that has a child, her first born. She is so madly in love

with this child. Her heart is full. She can't imagine ever loving something this much. Down the road, she goes on to get pregnant and is about to have another child. She wonders if she will be able to love this child as much as the first. She doesn't know that it's possible. She has her second baby and....... somehow there is room in her heart for this new baby. It doesn't change the love for the first, but it is an equal amount of love. There is room for both.

I love this analogy. This can be applied to those that have lost a child or even a spouse. There will always be room for both. Sometimes we can't imagine that it's possible but God somehow allows this to happen. I am hopeful and thankful for this reality. Jason will always be a huge part of me and will occupy an enormous amount of my heart.

St. Thomas 2009