Today I Feel......

* Overwhelmed. The thought of being a single parent and doing everything on my own completely overwhelms me. I never thought I'd be doing this alone. Jason and I both come from divorced families and it's one thing we talked about a LOT before getting married. We would do it once. For better or worse. No exceptions. Yet here I find myself, 35 years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Even though I'm blessed with so many family members and friends that are willing to help, at the end of the day it's up to ME to raise these boys.

* Scared. Completely scared about my life. While I pray daily and ask God to take care of the boys and me, the unknown really scares me. It's super easy to quote all the scriptures and ramble on about how God is in control, it's a different thing all together when it's your life that has been turned upside down. It's a weird thing because at times I do feel that God has me in the palm of his hands. Sometimes I feel lost at sea and really uncertain about my future. If you know me, you know that change is really hard for me. I've never experienced a change this big and it scares me.

* Cheated. Yep, I feel cheated. You see, 11.5 years ago when I said "I do" I had plans of a long life with Jason. We had dreams. We have things that we talked about doing that we will never get to do together. Even though Jason is in heaven (and I'm really happy for him) , I feel cheated that I'm left here....consumed by the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared and alone.

* Sad. Sounds kind of obvious but I am just that. Sad. I don't know that there is ever a good time to lose someone but the holidays have always been such a fun and special time for our family. I'd love to just fast forward the next 2 months. I know that wouldn't be fair to the boys but just thinking about getting Christmas things out just about sends me over the edge. How can I bear to wake up on Christmas morning without him here? That's when I remind myself that I can't think that far down the road. It's literally hour by hour around here. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me panic.

* Tired. I'm not sleeping great. I manage to fall asleep pretty fast but I am having really weird dreams. Although I don't really remember them when I wake up, I do think most of them are about Jason and are medical. I tend to wake up well before my alarm goes off and I'm just exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Tonight was our first night to eat dinner here, just the 3 of us. A sweet friend from church brought us dinner. I was getting our plates made and I asked Hudson to please get 3 forks and napkins out and on the table. He said "why not 4?" We just kind of stared at each other. The empty seat at the dinner table was like the elephant in the room. We were all trying to avoid looking at it. This does not seem right. I hate the number 3.

After brushing teeth and getting ready for bed, I sent Hudson in his room to practice spelling on the laptop while I was putting Cooper down. I asked him to choose a book and he went to his bookshelf and chose his scrapbook from his 3's preschool class. My heart sank the minute he handed it to me. There is a "daddy and me" page and I was dreading it. Mid way through the book, we got to that page and we both looked at the huge picture of Jason and Cooper. I watched Cooper's expression and saw the sadness in his eyes, I begged the Lord to please help me be strong. I wanted to yell at him for taking him from us but I managed to keep it together. While tucking him in and saying prayers, Cooper started to talk about how much he misses his dad. He has a harder time verbalizing his emotions but tonight he was able to express his feelings. The other day he told me that he was worried that something would happen to the rest of our family. He said he was scared I would die. I can't even properly put into words the pain this causes me. This only adds to the fears I have. I am so worried/scared about my physical health and safety. I'm the only parent left. Did I mention that I'm overwhelmed?

Hudson has said on several occasions that he wants to die so he can go to heaven. He doesn't say this in a suicidal way. He just knows that the only way to see Jason is to get to heaven. I don't blame him. I feel the same way (in a non suicidal way)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28