How has it been 21 days since I last kissed him, hugged him, spoke to him, loved on him.....? It honestly feels like a lifetime ago. I've often heard of people saying that they separate their lives into the "before the death" and "after the death" and feel that they have lived 2 different lives. I get it now. All I know is my life "before the death" and this second part is completely new ground for me. I'm amazed that I've survived 21 days so far. Doesn't sound like much time but it's huge in my book. I was questioning whether I'd survive 21 minutes that first day. God sure is taking my hand and leading me. I have no idea where we are going but all I know is that he is in control. He always has been.
I'm starting a pretty good collection of books on grief. I've had a few sweet friends mail me books that they have heard are good. Some are for me and some are for the boys. I'm looking forward to starting them soon. My mind continues to function at about half the capacity as it once did. At least that's how I feel anyways. My brain has been so scattered since all this happened. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and all of a sudden I think to myself "now where was I going again?" I can have a conversation with someone and 10 minutes later I can't even remember what we talked about. This is driving me crazy. I know it's par for the course but I really feel all over the place right now. So, I haven't tackled any books just yet. I really don't think I'd comprehend anything at this point so I'm putting that on hold for a bit.
I happened to reread one of my first posts and discovered an error I made in my writing. (see, scattered brain again!) I mentioned something about making sure you had a will. While I do think it's super smart to have one, what I really meant to say was that you really need to have LIFE INSURANCE. You would not believe how many young families have told me that they either don't have any or that it's very limited in the amount. Sure, no one likes to pay those monthly premiums but let me tell you how thankful I am that we chose to make those payments each month. I can't imagine the added stress I'd feel if we didn't have any and I felt that I had to go get 4 jobs tomorrow in order to keep afloat. So, there are my 2 cents for the day. Go get life insurance today. Not tomorrow. You may not be given another day.
Yesterday I had my security system reconfigured and armed again. A couple of years ago we had some issues with a couple of the windows in our bedroom. The wires were off and it caused the alarm to go off for no reason. Instead of having it fixed at that time, we decided to just cancel the alarm system. We were naive in thinking that our neighborhood was safe (which it is) and that we know our neighbors (which we do) so it just wasn't a top priority for us. They came out yesterday and got everything fixed and working again. I do have piece of mind now......I just pray that this thing never goes off. I know I'm a big girl and all but I can honestly say that I doubt I'll ever get used to being the only adult in this house and that sleeping alone will never feel right to me.
I'm so thankful that I have a home......not just a house but one that has developed into a home full of love and memories. While this brings comfort to my life it also brings pain with it. This is the first and only house we have had together. We started building it the week we got back from our honeymoon. Two young "kids" making decisions like what color grout we wanted and the shape of the doorknobs for the doors. I look around and see so much of Jason in this house. It's a mixed blessing really. So thankful for it yet it's hard to look around and realize he isn't coming back. His car is still parked outside. My intentions are to soon get rid of it but for now it's still here. Yesterday I was out running errands and I turned around the corner and was about to pull into my driveway when I caught a glimpse of his car and for a split second had the "oh, he's home" feeling. Huge punch in the gut. There are still times throughout the day when I have to tell/remind myself that he's really gone. You'd think after 21 days I'd get it now but there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to be true.
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always" Psalm 105:4
1 comment:
Our mind can play so many tricks on us. I know losing my Dad is no comparison for losing your husband and Father to your sweet boys, but there were so many things that happened to me after Dad died like that. I would think about calling him and telling him somethhing and realize he was gone. I had to return Christmas presents I had bought him since he died 2 weeks before Christmas. Those little unexpected things can really get us. Know that it's normal...but so weird to experience. Love ya, praying for you all!!!
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