Fall

This was always Jason's favorite time of year. At the first mention of a cold front, he'd often ask me if I thought it was cold enough for him to wear a sweater. I'd smile at him and say "nice try".....I mean, didn't he realize we lived in Texas? We'd kind of joke around about that all fall because he would itch to pull out one of the many jackets he owned. So very sad that he's not here to enjoy the beautiful weather. I guess though when you compare this to where he is, there really is no comparison.

Earlier this week, I picked the boys up from school and Cooper's teacher mentioned that one of the dads in Cooper's class was the Watch Dog for the day. Jason had been the Watch Dog before and the boys were excited for him to do that again this year. The conversation came up in class and Cooper realized that his dad wasn't going to be able to do it. She immediately switched the focus and asked if he had a grandpa that could come. Thankfully he got excited at the thought of that and didn't seem to be sad about it. Don't you love how kids are so easily distracted? In the car, I fought back the tears as Cooper told me that T's dad was the Watch Dog and I hated the fact that his dad would never be able to do that for him. Breaks my heart.

On Friday I decided to take my car to get the oil changed. I was over in my mileage and it really needed to be done. While driving there, I realized that I've never gotten the oil changed in my car during my entire married life. Jason always did that for me. We definitely had our "roles" and ways of taking care of each other. This was one of the ways he took care of me. While I was waiting, one of the guys came and got me and wanted to show me something. He proceeds to list a few things that really needed to be done. Seriously? This information and these choices sent me into a silent panic. Were they trying to take advantage of me? Could they tell I had no idea what they were talking about? Would Jason have done any of these things if he had been the one taking it in that day? Of course my first thought was that I want to keep my car safe for my family. But, I do hear stories of places like this trying to up sell women. I caved and had them do some fuel injection flush but honestly didn't have time for the transmission flush because I had an eye appt right after. So, $100 later my car was ready. I started crying when I was paying. I felt like such an idiot for crying. I couldn't even look at the guy checking me out. I walked out and felt bad because I wondered if I made him feel bad for offering me all those things. It just really hit me that these "roles" are now mine and it's brand new territory for me. As much as I don't want to do or learn these things......I have to. It wasn't so much about the oil change as it was that I no longer have someone to take care of me. And equally as sad that I don't have anyone to take care of. (other than my boys of course)

Tonight we carved our pumpkins. Well, sort of. In the past, we have always painted our pumpkins at the beginning of October and then waited until a few days before Halloween to carve them. Somehow in the fog of the first week of Jason's death, I managed to purchase and have the boys paint their pumpkins. I'm a big believer in traditions and I'm shocked that I was able to even think about that 2 weeks ago. Anyways, the boys were wanting to carve them tonight but I honestly didn't have it in me to do the whole enchilada. Typically the boys would all search online until each one found a template they liked. We would print them off, tape them on and Jason would begin carving. Since the boys are so young, we would always allow them to help take the guts out but Jason always did the cutting. Once the insides were all removed, I would start working at the sink to separate the stringy goo from the seeds. Then I'd season them and pop them into the oven. Jason loved roasted pumpkin seeds. I somehow managed to skip the "template" stage with them tonight and we just spent lots of time with our hands inside the pumpkin. They loved pulling the goo out and thankfully that satisfied them. I fought the urge to cry the entire time. Our first holiday without him. It just wasn't the same.

My dad is here this weekend so the house doesn't feel quite as quiet as it does when it's just the 3 of us. Amazing how just another body can fill the void somewhat. He's been working on a list of some things that needed to be fixed so I'm thankful that my honey-do list will be completed in the next day or so.

I've had a couple other ladies that have lost a spouse reach out to me through email or facebook messages. As much as I don't want to be a part of this "club" I know it will be great for me to talk to someone that actually understands. I am thankful that they have taken the time to share their stories and offer me help. I really think that I am ready and need to start counseling for myself soon. Even though we are doing the family thing starting in Dec. I feel that I need something a little more personal. This week I hope to find someone and get something booked. I'm finding that I'm keeping a lot to myself.

Tomorrow, I hope to make it to church for the first time since Jason died. I'm really dreading it though. Seeing people and talking about it makes it more real each and every time. I know I won't be able to keep my emotions at bay. Once I start to cry, it's all over. I know it will be good for me........and good for others because there are so many people that I know want to see me. I can't put it off forever. Say a little prayer for me please.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13