A new day

I've said it before but I'll say it again......I really have no idea how people that don't believe in God and heaven get through something like this. I can't tell you how many times a day I try to picture what heaven is like. I wonder what happened the moment Jason's soul left his body. This is a topic I hope to research and educate myself on better once things settle down a bit. In the meantime, what I do know about heaven gives me great peace and hope.

Our second night as a family of 3 went better than last night. It might have helped that we spent a good amount of the afternoon at the park- enjoying the beautiful weather. The boys ran and played, they chased ducks, they climbed rocks......for a brief moment they were 5 and 8 without a care in the world. I called in Chilis to go and brought it home. I allowed them to watch the new Clone Wars season 3 DVD that they just got while we ate. It's not something Jason and I would typically allow but it filled the void that I didn't have the mental energy to deal with tonight. I think I needed some distraction from the obvious and it seemed that the boys welcomed it as well. They were tired from a long day and neither fussed when it was time for bed.

Hudson started pressing hard with some details of Jason's death. Did I see his surgery? Did I see him die? Where is he buried? When can we see his grave site? These are some tough questions for me because unfortunately the answers really suck. There are details that I feel are too specific for his sweet, innocent little heart. My boys have no idea that their daddy was cremated. It will be years I'm sure before I am able to have that conversation with them. In the meantime, I hope/plan to skate over the details and remain very vague about it. Please pray that Hudson will accept my answers and not press further. I don't like lying to him about it. I'm just protecting him right now. I'm at a loss really on what the best thing to say or do with these questions. Hopefully once we start counseling, I can get some insight on how to handle this.

I continue to be humbled by the sweet friends that check in on me daily. I get numerous texts, emails and Facebook messages with friends (or even people that don't know me) checking in or telling me they still pray. Friends, I can't tell you how much that means to me. It's wonderful to know that Jason isn't forgotten and that people still care that the boys are I are hurting. Thank you so much for loving us!

This past weekend, the boys went camping with Jason's stepdad. They had a blast and it was a great distraction for them. My mom and I went to Granbury for the weekend to get away. A change of scenery was nice for me. It helped me let my guard down a bit since I was in a town where I didn't know anyone. The last week or so I've been a bit paranoid. I feel that everyone knows my story (even though they don't) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have no idea why I feel this way. If you know me, then you know that I HATE to be the center of attention. I hate eyes on me. I like to blend in with everyone else. This experience has definitely put the focus on me and the boys. While I'm thankful in so many ways, it's also brought about some uncomfortable feelings as far as the attention thing goes. So, being in a town where I didn't have a chance to run into anyone I knew was good for me.

I'm so thankful for down time. My boys are both in school and this allows me time during the day to just be. Last night was so emotional for me so today was spent doing a lot of nothing. I am grateful that I have this alone time right now and I acknowledge that some are not given this luxury. This allows me time to cry, think, pray, rest or whatever I need to do so that when 3:00 comes, I am able to get my boys and put the happy face on. I can't imagine if I had a baby to take care of at this moment. I sometimes feel it's a challenge to just take care of myself. Thank you Lord for allowing me time during the day to take care of me so that the rest of the day can be spent taking care of them.

I'm working on how to balance out the emotions I let the boys see. I want them to see me cry. I believe it shows them that crying is okay. It's a must actually. However, I don't want to over do it because then they worry. My sweet boys worry about me and I can tell Hudson gets upset when he sees me cry. It's definitely something I am working on and paying attention to. There are moments in the mornings when I just lose it.....but I'm able to hide it by pretending to look for something in a closet or turn my head while I pack lunches. I miss kissing Jason before he leaves for work and I miss the reassurance that he will be home again in the evening. I miss my former life.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13