Halloween was the first holiday to celebrate without Jason. I was thankful that it was a crazy/busy kind of night. Not a ton of time to just sit around and think. The boys were running from door to door and having a blast. They seemed unfazed and for that I'm thankful. Several times on my walk I thought to myself that he should be here. Again that constant battle that I have with myself ........wanting him here versus wanting him in Heaven. Someone once told me that the buildup to the holiday is worse than the day itself. I felt it was true in this situation but again I'm not sure if it's because the evening was kind of hectic or if because I was no longer dreading the event. Speaking of dread, I really do dread the next 2 months. His birthday was in November, then we have Thanksgiving and then Christmas. If it were up to me, I'd skip right on over to January but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Bummer. I'm proud to say that I survived the first of the big firsts without him.
I was cleaning out my purse today and discovered Jason's wedding ring in an inside pocket. I had completely forgotten that it was there. I slipped it off his finger at the hospital right before he went into surgery and put it in that pocket. Of course it took me back to that day.....to all those feelings of panic as the surgeon was telling us our options and how brave Jason was trying to be so that I wouldn't freak out any more than I already was. I held his ring for a long time and tried to remember what his hands looked like with it on. I'm scared I will forget.
I've had so many people tell me that Jason's death has put so many things into perspective for them. They try to not take life too seriously or they are trying harder to appreciate the people in their lives. I'd have to say it's also true for me as well. This last month, I've seen changes in myself. Things that might normally frustrate me or get me upset........I'm allowing them to roll off my shoulders. Many times I've said to myself, "let it go.....it's not a big deal.......life is too short......in the end does it really matter?" Thank you Jason for showing us that life is short and we should not take a second for granted.
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3 comments:
Amen to that last paragraph.
You are a brave momma who has survived tonight! January will be here before you know it. You can do this! God is holding you...
Yes, thank you Jason. Stinks that we have to be reminded like that, but I am one of those people that has been trying to remember to let things go & that life really is too short.
I prayed yesterday that the event would be wonderful for the boys and that you would be able to enjoy it. I think it is lovely that you found that ring when you did.....it was meant to be at that moment. I agree that there are events in your life that cause you to chance. Ours gave me a total 180 on things...this will be yours....but it will give you strength when you least expect it. Jason is proud of you :-)
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