Several people on Facebook are listing things they are thankful for this month. I've seen this done in the past but never participated for the entire month. I think for me, it would be a great thing to do...so that on those days when I want to feel sorry for myself, I'll have to find something to be thankful for. Even in the worst of situations, we can all still find blessings mixed in. Today I was thankful for today. Thankful that God allowed me another day to be a mother to these 2 boys. It's something I pray boldly about. It's my prayer that God will allow me to see them grown up.
I picked the boys up from school today and Cooper was immediately complaining that his tummy and throat hurt. When we got home I felt his head and he didn't have a fever. The boys were chasing each other around and playing but he started asking to go to the doctor. I tried to distract him......he was acting fine but kept crying and saying he wanted to go. I finally bit the bullet and did the web check-in for Care Now since it was late in the afternoon. I realized that if he woke up sick at midnight that I'd kind of be hosed so I decided to not take any chances. Good thing I followed my gut. Strep. He still doesn't have fever, is eating and bugging his brother so the doctor felt we caught it early- before the yucky white puss pockets formed in the back of his throat. I asked the doctor to also give Hudson and me a prescription too so that we could hopefully avoid passing it around. He agreed to that and for that I'm thankful. I took the prescription to the Kroger drive-thru and was told it would be an hour before it was ready. My clock said 7:30 which meant coming back at 8:30= after the boys bedtime. It was the first moment in the last month where I really felt the "single parent" thing come into play. It was a huge inconvenience that we had to go home and then get back into the car an hour later but I prayed the entire time that my heart would not be impatient or irritated or upset. And I wasn't. I mentioned last night that I've seen changes in myself. This is a perfect example of not sweating the small stuff. Again, I'm thankful.
Tonight at bedtime, Hudson asked when he could see his dad. God is covering our family in a huge way. I was able to talk to him without huge tears streaming down my face. I was able to tell him that it's okay that we hurt and miss him. But I also told him that we have made it an entire month and have still been able to find bits of joy every single day. He nodded his head and realized that we are surviving. Some days are harder than others but we are making it. And for that, I'm thankful.
Tuesday, November 1, 2011
Monday, October 31, 2011
The First of the Firsts
Halloween was the first holiday to celebrate without Jason. I was thankful that it was a crazy/busy kind of night. Not a ton of time to just sit around and think. The boys were running from door to door and having a blast. They seemed unfazed and for that I'm thankful. Several times on my walk I thought to myself that he should be here. Again that constant battle that I have with myself ........wanting him here versus wanting him in Heaven. Someone once told me that the buildup to the holiday is worse than the day itself. I felt it was true in this situation but again I'm not sure if it's because the evening was kind of hectic or if because I was no longer dreading the event. Speaking of dread, I really do dread the next 2 months. His birthday was in November, then we have Thanksgiving and then Christmas. If it were up to me, I'd skip right on over to January but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Bummer. I'm proud to say that I survived the first of the big firsts without him.
I was cleaning out my purse today and discovered Jason's wedding ring in an inside pocket. I had completely forgotten that it was there. I slipped it off his finger at the hospital right before he went into surgery and put it in that pocket. Of course it took me back to that day.....to all those feelings of panic as the surgeon was telling us our options and how brave Jason was trying to be so that I wouldn't freak out any more than I already was. I held his ring for a long time and tried to remember what his hands looked like with it on. I'm scared I will forget.
I've had so many people tell me that Jason's death has put so many things into perspective for them. They try to not take life too seriously or they are trying harder to appreciate the people in their lives. I'd have to say it's also true for me as well. This last month, I've seen changes in myself. Things that might normally frustrate me or get me upset........I'm allowing them to roll off my shoulders. Many times I've said to myself, "let it go.....it's not a big deal.......life is too short......in the end does it really matter?" Thank you Jason for showing us that life is short and we should not take a second for granted.
I was cleaning out my purse today and discovered Jason's wedding ring in an inside pocket. I had completely forgotten that it was there. I slipped it off his finger at the hospital right before he went into surgery and put it in that pocket. Of course it took me back to that day.....to all those feelings of panic as the surgeon was telling us our options and how brave Jason was trying to be so that I wouldn't freak out any more than I already was. I held his ring for a long time and tried to remember what his hands looked like with it on. I'm scared I will forget.
I've had so many people tell me that Jason's death has put so many things into perspective for them. They try to not take life too seriously or they are trying harder to appreciate the people in their lives. I'd have to say it's also true for me as well. This last month, I've seen changes in myself. Things that might normally frustrate me or get me upset........I'm allowing them to roll off my shoulders. Many times I've said to myself, "let it go.....it's not a big deal.......life is too short......in the end does it really matter?" Thank you Jason for showing us that life is short and we should not take a second for granted.
Sunday, October 30, 2011
Lord Come Quickly
So I tackled my first time at church. I cried most of the morning while I was getting ready. I was hoping to "get it all out" and keep myself composed while at church. I did pretty good at first. Once the singing started, I sort of lost it. It was my first time to sit in the pew by myself. (with the exception of the few times I went when Jason was either sick or out of town) It felt weird. I was surrounded by hundreds yet I felt so alone. The sermon today was about Jesus coming back. Before Jason died, I would have told you that I was excited about Heaven. However, there was a part of me that also enjoyed my life and was okay if Jesus didn't return during my lifetime. I think most of us are that way. Even as Christians, we get so tied to this Earth and we don't long for Jesus to return. I'm ashamed to admit that it's taken my husband's death to switch my view. I long for Jesus to come. I can't wait for heaven. Please, Lord come now. Maranatha!
I have a few more important meetings and things on my to-do list. I'm hoping that after this week I will feel more comfortable with my financial situation and future. Ugh, decisions and meetings that I never wish I had to make or attend. Still seems like a bad dream some days.
Thank you for all the prayers, emails and texts about today. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends that pray for me when I sometimes don't even have the words. I conquered something today....one of the many "firsts" that are headed my way. Even though it hurt, I survived. Jason would be proud.
I have a few more important meetings and things on my to-do list. I'm hoping that after this week I will feel more comfortable with my financial situation and future. Ugh, decisions and meetings that I never wish I had to make or attend. Still seems like a bad dream some days.
Thank you for all the prayers, emails and texts about today. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends that pray for me when I sometimes don't even have the words. I conquered something today....one of the many "firsts" that are headed my way. Even though it hurt, I survived. Jason would be proud.
Saturday, October 29, 2011
Fall
This was always Jason's favorite time of year. At the first mention of a cold front, he'd often ask me if I thought it was cold enough for him to wear a sweater. I'd smile at him and say "nice try".....I mean, didn't he realize we lived in Texas? We'd kind of joke around about that all fall because he would itch to pull out one of the many jackets he owned. So very sad that he's not here to enjoy the beautiful weather. I guess though when you compare this to where he is, there really is no comparison.
Earlier this week, I picked the boys up from school and Cooper's teacher mentioned that one of the dads in Cooper's class was the Watch Dog for the day. Jason had been the Watch Dog before and the boys were excited for him to do that again this year. The conversation came up in class and Cooper realized that his dad wasn't going to be able to do it. She immediately switched the focus and asked if he had a grandpa that could come. Thankfully he got excited at the thought of that and didn't seem to be sad about it. Don't you love how kids are so easily distracted? In the car, I fought back the tears as Cooper told me that T's dad was the Watch Dog and I hated the fact that his dad would never be able to do that for him. Breaks my heart.
On Friday I decided to take my car to get the oil changed. I was over in my mileage and it really needed to be done. While driving there, I realized that I've never gotten the oil changed in my car during my entire married life. Jason always did that for me. We definitely had our "roles" and ways of taking care of each other. This was one of the ways he took care of me. While I was waiting, one of the guys came and got me and wanted to show me something. He proceeds to list a few things that really needed to be done. Seriously? This information and these choices sent me into a silent panic. Were they trying to take advantage of me? Could they tell I had no idea what they were talking about? Would Jason have done any of these things if he had been the one taking it in that day? Of course my first thought was that I want to keep my car safe for my family. But, I do hear stories of places like this trying to up sell women. I caved and had them do some fuel injection flush but honestly didn't have time for the transmission flush because I had an eye appt right after. So, $100 later my car was ready. I started crying when I was paying. I felt like such an idiot for crying. I couldn't even look at the guy checking me out. I walked out and felt bad because I wondered if I made him feel bad for offering me all those things. It just really hit me that these "roles" are now mine and it's brand new territory for me. As much as I don't want to do or learn these things......I have to. It wasn't so much about the oil change as it was that I no longer have someone to take care of me. And equally as sad that I don't have anyone to take care of. (other than my boys of course)
Tonight we carved our pumpkins. Well, sort of. In the past, we have always painted our pumpkins at the beginning of October and then waited until a few days before Halloween to carve them. Somehow in the fog of the first week of Jason's death, I managed to purchase and have the boys paint their pumpkins. I'm a big believer in traditions and I'm shocked that I was able to even think about that 2 weeks ago. Anyways, the boys were wanting to carve them tonight but I honestly didn't have it in me to do the whole enchilada. Typically the boys would all search online until each one found a template they liked. We would print them off, tape them on and Jason would begin carving. Since the boys are so young, we would always allow them to help take the guts out but Jason always did the cutting. Once the insides were all removed, I would start working at the sink to separate the stringy goo from the seeds. Then I'd season them and pop them into the oven. Jason loved roasted pumpkin seeds. I somehow managed to skip the "template" stage with them tonight and we just spent lots of time with our hands inside the pumpkin. They loved pulling the goo out and thankfully that satisfied them. I fought the urge to cry the entire time. Our first holiday without him. It just wasn't the same.
My dad is here this weekend so the house doesn't feel quite as quiet as it does when it's just the 3 of us. Amazing how just another body can fill the void somewhat. He's been working on a list of some things that needed to be fixed so I'm thankful that my honey-do list will be completed in the next day or so.
I've had a couple other ladies that have lost a spouse reach out to me through email or facebook messages. As much as I don't want to be a part of this "club" I know it will be great for me to talk to someone that actually understands. I am thankful that they have taken the time to share their stories and offer me help. I really think that I am ready and need to start counseling for myself soon. Even though we are doing the family thing starting in Dec. I feel that I need something a little more personal. This week I hope to find someone and get something booked. I'm finding that I'm keeping a lot to myself.
Tomorrow, I hope to make it to church for the first time since Jason died. I'm really dreading it though. Seeing people and talking about it makes it more real each and every time. I know I won't be able to keep my emotions at bay. Once I start to cry, it's all over. I know it will be good for me........and good for others because there are so many people that I know want to see me. I can't put it off forever. Say a little prayer for me please.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13
Earlier this week, I picked the boys up from school and Cooper's teacher mentioned that one of the dads in Cooper's class was the Watch Dog for the day. Jason had been the Watch Dog before and the boys were excited for him to do that again this year. The conversation came up in class and Cooper realized that his dad wasn't going to be able to do it. She immediately switched the focus and asked if he had a grandpa that could come. Thankfully he got excited at the thought of that and didn't seem to be sad about it. Don't you love how kids are so easily distracted? In the car, I fought back the tears as Cooper told me that T's dad was the Watch Dog and I hated the fact that his dad would never be able to do that for him. Breaks my heart.
On Friday I decided to take my car to get the oil changed. I was over in my mileage and it really needed to be done. While driving there, I realized that I've never gotten the oil changed in my car during my entire married life. Jason always did that for me. We definitely had our "roles" and ways of taking care of each other. This was one of the ways he took care of me. While I was waiting, one of the guys came and got me and wanted to show me something. He proceeds to list a few things that really needed to be done. Seriously? This information and these choices sent me into a silent panic. Were they trying to take advantage of me? Could they tell I had no idea what they were talking about? Would Jason have done any of these things if he had been the one taking it in that day? Of course my first thought was that I want to keep my car safe for my family. But, I do hear stories of places like this trying to up sell women. I caved and had them do some fuel injection flush but honestly didn't have time for the transmission flush because I had an eye appt right after. So, $100 later my car was ready. I started crying when I was paying. I felt like such an idiot for crying. I couldn't even look at the guy checking me out. I walked out and felt bad because I wondered if I made him feel bad for offering me all those things. It just really hit me that these "roles" are now mine and it's brand new territory for me. As much as I don't want to do or learn these things......I have to. It wasn't so much about the oil change as it was that I no longer have someone to take care of me. And equally as sad that I don't have anyone to take care of. (other than my boys of course)
Tonight we carved our pumpkins. Well, sort of. In the past, we have always painted our pumpkins at the beginning of October and then waited until a few days before Halloween to carve them. Somehow in the fog of the first week of Jason's death, I managed to purchase and have the boys paint their pumpkins. I'm a big believer in traditions and I'm shocked that I was able to even think about that 2 weeks ago. Anyways, the boys were wanting to carve them tonight but I honestly didn't have it in me to do the whole enchilada. Typically the boys would all search online until each one found a template they liked. We would print them off, tape them on and Jason would begin carving. Since the boys are so young, we would always allow them to help take the guts out but Jason always did the cutting. Once the insides were all removed, I would start working at the sink to separate the stringy goo from the seeds. Then I'd season them and pop them into the oven. Jason loved roasted pumpkin seeds. I somehow managed to skip the "template" stage with them tonight and we just spent lots of time with our hands inside the pumpkin. They loved pulling the goo out and thankfully that satisfied them. I fought the urge to cry the entire time. Our first holiday without him. It just wasn't the same.
My dad is here this weekend so the house doesn't feel quite as quiet as it does when it's just the 3 of us. Amazing how just another body can fill the void somewhat. He's been working on a list of some things that needed to be fixed so I'm thankful that my honey-do list will be completed in the next day or so.
I've had a couple other ladies that have lost a spouse reach out to me through email or facebook messages. As much as I don't want to be a part of this "club" I know it will be great for me to talk to someone that actually understands. I am thankful that they have taken the time to share their stories and offer me help. I really think that I am ready and need to start counseling for myself soon. Even though we are doing the family thing starting in Dec. I feel that I need something a little more personal. This week I hope to find someone and get something booked. I'm finding that I'm keeping a lot to myself.
Tomorrow, I hope to make it to church for the first time since Jason died. I'm really dreading it though. Seeing people and talking about it makes it more real each and every time. I know I won't be able to keep my emotions at bay. Once I start to cry, it's all over. I know it will be good for me........and good for others because there are so many people that I know want to see me. I can't put it off forever. Say a little prayer for me please.
"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13
Wednesday, October 26, 2011
21 days
How has it been 21 days since I last kissed him, hugged him, spoke to him, loved on him.....? It honestly feels like a lifetime ago. I've often heard of people saying that they separate their lives into the "before the death" and "after the death" and feel that they have lived 2 different lives. I get it now. All I know is my life "before the death" and this second part is completely new ground for me. I'm amazed that I've survived 21 days so far. Doesn't sound like much time but it's huge in my book. I was questioning whether I'd survive 21 minutes that first day. God sure is taking my hand and leading me. I have no idea where we are going but all I know is that he is in control. He always has been.
I'm starting a pretty good collection of books on grief. I've had a few sweet friends mail me books that they have heard are good. Some are for me and some are for the boys. I'm looking forward to starting them soon. My mind continues to function at about half the capacity as it once did. At least that's how I feel anyways. My brain has been so scattered since all this happened. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and all of a sudden I think to myself "now where was I going again?" I can have a conversation with someone and 10 minutes later I can't even remember what we talked about. This is driving me crazy. I know it's par for the course but I really feel all over the place right now. So, I haven't tackled any books just yet. I really don't think I'd comprehend anything at this point so I'm putting that on hold for a bit.
I happened to reread one of my first posts and discovered an error I made in my writing. (see, scattered brain again!) I mentioned something about making sure you had a will. While I do think it's super smart to have one, what I really meant to say was that you really need to have LIFE INSURANCE. You would not believe how many young families have told me that they either don't have any or that it's very limited in the amount. Sure, no one likes to pay those monthly premiums but let me tell you how thankful I am that we chose to make those payments each month. I can't imagine the added stress I'd feel if we didn't have any and I felt that I had to go get 4 jobs tomorrow in order to keep afloat. So, there are my 2 cents for the day. Go get life insurance today. Not tomorrow. You may not be given another day.
Yesterday I had my security system reconfigured and armed again. A couple of years ago we had some issues with a couple of the windows in our bedroom. The wires were off and it caused the alarm to go off for no reason. Instead of having it fixed at that time, we decided to just cancel the alarm system. We were naive in thinking that our neighborhood was safe (which it is) and that we know our neighbors (which we do) so it just wasn't a top priority for us. They came out yesterday and got everything fixed and working again. I do have piece of mind now......I just pray that this thing never goes off. I know I'm a big girl and all but I can honestly say that I doubt I'll ever get used to being the only adult in this house and that sleeping alone will never feel right to me.
I'm so thankful that I have a home......not just a house but one that has developed into a home full of love and memories. While this brings comfort to my life it also brings pain with it. This is the first and only house we have had together. We started building it the week we got back from our honeymoon. Two young "kids" making decisions like what color grout we wanted and the shape of the doorknobs for the doors. I look around and see so much of Jason in this house. It's a mixed blessing really. So thankful for it yet it's hard to look around and realize he isn't coming back. His car is still parked outside. My intentions are to soon get rid of it but for now it's still here. Yesterday I was out running errands and I turned around the corner and was about to pull into my driveway when I caught a glimpse of his car and for a split second had the "oh, he's home" feeling. Huge punch in the gut. There are still times throughout the day when I have to tell/remind myself that he's really gone. You'd think after 21 days I'd get it now but there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to be true.
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always" Psalm 105:4
I'm starting a pretty good collection of books on grief. I've had a few sweet friends mail me books that they have heard are good. Some are for me and some are for the boys. I'm looking forward to starting them soon. My mind continues to function at about half the capacity as it once did. At least that's how I feel anyways. My brain has been so scattered since all this happened. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and all of a sudden I think to myself "now where was I going again?" I can have a conversation with someone and 10 minutes later I can't even remember what we talked about. This is driving me crazy. I know it's par for the course but I really feel all over the place right now. So, I haven't tackled any books just yet. I really don't think I'd comprehend anything at this point so I'm putting that on hold for a bit.
I happened to reread one of my first posts and discovered an error I made in my writing. (see, scattered brain again!) I mentioned something about making sure you had a will. While I do think it's super smart to have one, what I really meant to say was that you really need to have LIFE INSURANCE. You would not believe how many young families have told me that they either don't have any or that it's very limited in the amount. Sure, no one likes to pay those monthly premiums but let me tell you how thankful I am that we chose to make those payments each month. I can't imagine the added stress I'd feel if we didn't have any and I felt that I had to go get 4 jobs tomorrow in order to keep afloat. So, there are my 2 cents for the day. Go get life insurance today. Not tomorrow. You may not be given another day.
Yesterday I had my security system reconfigured and armed again. A couple of years ago we had some issues with a couple of the windows in our bedroom. The wires were off and it caused the alarm to go off for no reason. Instead of having it fixed at that time, we decided to just cancel the alarm system. We were naive in thinking that our neighborhood was safe (which it is) and that we know our neighbors (which we do) so it just wasn't a top priority for us. They came out yesterday and got everything fixed and working again. I do have piece of mind now......I just pray that this thing never goes off. I know I'm a big girl and all but I can honestly say that I doubt I'll ever get used to being the only adult in this house and that sleeping alone will never feel right to me.
I'm so thankful that I have a home......not just a house but one that has developed into a home full of love and memories. While this brings comfort to my life it also brings pain with it. This is the first and only house we have had together. We started building it the week we got back from our honeymoon. Two young "kids" making decisions like what color grout we wanted and the shape of the doorknobs for the doors. I look around and see so much of Jason in this house. It's a mixed blessing really. So thankful for it yet it's hard to look around and realize he isn't coming back. His car is still parked outside. My intentions are to soon get rid of it but for now it's still here. Yesterday I was out running errands and I turned around the corner and was about to pull into my driveway when I caught a glimpse of his car and for a split second had the "oh, he's home" feeling. Huge punch in the gut. There are still times throughout the day when I have to tell/remind myself that he's really gone. You'd think after 21 days I'd get it now but there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to be true.
"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always" Psalm 105:4
Monday, October 24, 2011
A new day
I've said it before but I'll say it again......I really have no idea how people that don't believe in God and heaven get through something like this. I can't tell you how many times a day I try to picture what heaven is like. I wonder what happened the moment Jason's soul left his body. This is a topic I hope to research and educate myself on better once things settle down a bit. In the meantime, what I do know about heaven gives me great peace and hope.
Our second night as a family of 3 went better than last night. It might have helped that we spent a good amount of the afternoon at the park- enjoying the beautiful weather. The boys ran and played, they chased ducks, they climbed rocks......for a brief moment they were 5 and 8 without a care in the world. I called in Chilis to go and brought it home. I allowed them to watch the new Clone Wars season 3 DVD that they just got while we ate. It's not something Jason and I would typically allow but it filled the void that I didn't have the mental energy to deal with tonight. I think I needed some distraction from the obvious and it seemed that the boys welcomed it as well. They were tired from a long day and neither fussed when it was time for bed.
Hudson started pressing hard with some details of Jason's death. Did I see his surgery? Did I see him die? Where is he buried? When can we see his grave site? These are some tough questions for me because unfortunately the answers really suck. There are details that I feel are too specific for his sweet, innocent little heart. My boys have no idea that their daddy was cremated. It will be years I'm sure before I am able to have that conversation with them. In the meantime, I hope/plan to skate over the details and remain very vague about it. Please pray that Hudson will accept my answers and not press further. I don't like lying to him about it. I'm just protecting him right now. I'm at a loss really on what the best thing to say or do with these questions. Hopefully once we start counseling, I can get some insight on how to handle this.
I continue to be humbled by the sweet friends that check in on me daily. I get numerous texts, emails and Facebook messages with friends (or even people that don't know me) checking in or telling me they still pray. Friends, I can't tell you how much that means to me. It's wonderful to know that Jason isn't forgotten and that people still care that the boys are I are hurting. Thank you so much for loving us!
This past weekend, the boys went camping with Jason's stepdad. They had a blast and it was a great distraction for them. My mom and I went to Granbury for the weekend to get away. A change of scenery was nice for me. It helped me let my guard down a bit since I was in a town where I didn't know anyone. The last week or so I've been a bit paranoid. I feel that everyone knows my story (even though they don't) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have no idea why I feel this way. If you know me, then you know that I HATE to be the center of attention. I hate eyes on me. I like to blend in with everyone else. This experience has definitely put the focus on me and the boys. While I'm thankful in so many ways, it's also brought about some uncomfortable feelings as far as the attention thing goes. So, being in a town where I didn't have a chance to run into anyone I knew was good for me.
I'm so thankful for down time. My boys are both in school and this allows me time during the day to just be. Last night was so emotional for me so today was spent doing a lot of nothing. I am grateful that I have this alone time right now and I acknowledge that some are not given this luxury. This allows me time to cry, think, pray, rest or whatever I need to do so that when 3:00 comes, I am able to get my boys and put the happy face on. I can't imagine if I had a baby to take care of at this moment. I sometimes feel it's a challenge to just take care of myself. Thank you Lord for allowing me time during the day to take care of me so that the rest of the day can be spent taking care of them.
I'm working on how to balance out the emotions I let the boys see. I want them to see me cry. I believe it shows them that crying is okay. It's a must actually. However, I don't want to over do it because then they worry. My sweet boys worry about me and I can tell Hudson gets upset when he sees me cry. It's definitely something I am working on and paying attention to. There are moments in the mornings when I just lose it.....but I'm able to hide it by pretending to look for something in a closet or turn my head while I pack lunches. I miss kissing Jason before he leaves for work and I miss the reassurance that he will be home again in the evening. I miss my former life.
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13
Our second night as a family of 3 went better than last night. It might have helped that we spent a good amount of the afternoon at the park- enjoying the beautiful weather. The boys ran and played, they chased ducks, they climbed rocks......for a brief moment they were 5 and 8 without a care in the world. I called in Chilis to go and brought it home. I allowed them to watch the new Clone Wars season 3 DVD that they just got while we ate. It's not something Jason and I would typically allow but it filled the void that I didn't have the mental energy to deal with tonight. I think I needed some distraction from the obvious and it seemed that the boys welcomed it as well. They were tired from a long day and neither fussed when it was time for bed.
Hudson started pressing hard with some details of Jason's death. Did I see his surgery? Did I see him die? Where is he buried? When can we see his grave site? These are some tough questions for me because unfortunately the answers really suck. There are details that I feel are too specific for his sweet, innocent little heart. My boys have no idea that their daddy was cremated. It will be years I'm sure before I am able to have that conversation with them. In the meantime, I hope/plan to skate over the details and remain very vague about it. Please pray that Hudson will accept my answers and not press further. I don't like lying to him about it. I'm just protecting him right now. I'm at a loss really on what the best thing to say or do with these questions. Hopefully once we start counseling, I can get some insight on how to handle this.
I continue to be humbled by the sweet friends that check in on me daily. I get numerous texts, emails and Facebook messages with friends (or even people that don't know me) checking in or telling me they still pray. Friends, I can't tell you how much that means to me. It's wonderful to know that Jason isn't forgotten and that people still care that the boys are I are hurting. Thank you so much for loving us!
This past weekend, the boys went camping with Jason's stepdad. They had a blast and it was a great distraction for them. My mom and I went to Granbury for the weekend to get away. A change of scenery was nice for me. It helped me let my guard down a bit since I was in a town where I didn't know anyone. The last week or so I've been a bit paranoid. I feel that everyone knows my story (even though they don't) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have no idea why I feel this way. If you know me, then you know that I HATE to be the center of attention. I hate eyes on me. I like to blend in with everyone else. This experience has definitely put the focus on me and the boys. While I'm thankful in so many ways, it's also brought about some uncomfortable feelings as far as the attention thing goes. So, being in a town where I didn't have a chance to run into anyone I knew was good for me.
I'm so thankful for down time. My boys are both in school and this allows me time during the day to just be. Last night was so emotional for me so today was spent doing a lot of nothing. I am grateful that I have this alone time right now and I acknowledge that some are not given this luxury. This allows me time to cry, think, pray, rest or whatever I need to do so that when 3:00 comes, I am able to get my boys and put the happy face on. I can't imagine if I had a baby to take care of at this moment. I sometimes feel it's a challenge to just take care of myself. Thank you Lord for allowing me time during the day to take care of me so that the rest of the day can be spent taking care of them.
I'm working on how to balance out the emotions I let the boys see. I want them to see me cry. I believe it shows them that crying is okay. It's a must actually. However, I don't want to over do it because then they worry. My sweet boys worry about me and I can tell Hudson gets upset when he sees me cry. It's definitely something I am working on and paying attention to. There are moments in the mornings when I just lose it.....but I'm able to hide it by pretending to look for something in a closet or turn my head while I pack lunches. I miss kissing Jason before he leaves for work and I miss the reassurance that he will be home again in the evening. I miss my former life.
"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13
Sunday, October 23, 2011
Today I Feel......
* Overwhelmed. The thought of being a single parent and doing everything on my own completely overwhelms me. I never thought I'd be doing this alone. Jason and I both come from divorced families and it's one thing we talked about a LOT before getting married. We would do it once. For better or worse. No exceptions. Yet here I find myself, 35 years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Even though I'm blessed with so many family members and friends that are willing to help, at the end of the day it's up to ME to raise these boys.
* Scared. Completely scared about my life. While I pray daily and ask God to take care of the boys and me, the unknown really scares me. It's super easy to quote all the scriptures and ramble on about how God is in control, it's a different thing all together when it's your life that has been turned upside down. It's a weird thing because at times I do feel that God has me in the palm of his hands. Sometimes I feel lost at sea and really uncertain about my future. If you know me, you know that change is really hard for me. I've never experienced a change this big and it scares me.
* Cheated. Yep, I feel cheated. You see, 11.5 years ago when I said "I do" I had plans of a long life with Jason. We had dreams. We have things that we talked about doing that we will never get to do together. Even though Jason is in heaven (and I'm really happy for him) , I feel cheated that I'm left here....consumed by the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared and alone.
* Sad. Sounds kind of obvious but I am just that. Sad. I don't know that there is ever a good time to lose someone but the holidays have always been such a fun and special time for our family. I'd love to just fast forward the next 2 months. I know that wouldn't be fair to the boys but just thinking about getting Christmas things out just about sends me over the edge. How can I bear to wake up on Christmas morning without him here? That's when I remind myself that I can't think that far down the road. It's literally hour by hour around here. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me panic.
* Tired. I'm not sleeping great. I manage to fall asleep pretty fast but I am having really weird dreams. Although I don't really remember them when I wake up, I do think most of them are about Jason and are medical. I tend to wake up well before my alarm goes off and I'm just exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Tonight was our first night to eat dinner here, just the 3 of us. A sweet friend from church brought us dinner. I was getting our plates made and I asked Hudson to please get 3 forks and napkins out and on the table. He said "why not 4?" We just kind of stared at each other. The empty seat at the dinner table was like the elephant in the room. We were all trying to avoid looking at it. This does not seem right. I hate the number 3.
After brushing teeth and getting ready for bed, I sent Hudson in his room to practice spelling on the laptop while I was putting Cooper down. I asked him to choose a book and he went to his bookshelf and chose his scrapbook from his 3's preschool class. My heart sank the minute he handed it to me. There is a "daddy and me" page and I was dreading it. Mid way through the book, we got to that page and we both looked at the huge picture of Jason and Cooper. I watched Cooper's expression and saw the sadness in his eyes, I begged the Lord to please help me be strong. I wanted to yell at him for taking him from us but I managed to keep it together. While tucking him in and saying prayers, Cooper started to talk about how much he misses his dad. He has a harder time verbalizing his emotions but tonight he was able to express his feelings. The other day he told me that he was worried that something would happen to the rest of our family. He said he was scared I would die. I can't even properly put into words the pain this causes me. This only adds to the fears I have. I am so worried/scared about my physical health and safety. I'm the only parent left. Did I mention that I'm overwhelmed?
Hudson has said on several occasions that he wants to die so he can go to heaven. He doesn't say this in a suicidal way. He just knows that the only way to see Jason is to get to heaven. I don't blame him. I feel the same way (in a non suicidal way)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
* Scared. Completely scared about my life. While I pray daily and ask God to take care of the boys and me, the unknown really scares me. It's super easy to quote all the scriptures and ramble on about how God is in control, it's a different thing all together when it's your life that has been turned upside down. It's a weird thing because at times I do feel that God has me in the palm of his hands. Sometimes I feel lost at sea and really uncertain about my future. If you know me, you know that change is really hard for me. I've never experienced a change this big and it scares me.
* Cheated. Yep, I feel cheated. You see, 11.5 years ago when I said "I do" I had plans of a long life with Jason. We had dreams. We have things that we talked about doing that we will never get to do together. Even though Jason is in heaven (and I'm really happy for him) , I feel cheated that I'm left here....consumed by the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared and alone.
* Sad. Sounds kind of obvious but I am just that. Sad. I don't know that there is ever a good time to lose someone but the holidays have always been such a fun and special time for our family. I'd love to just fast forward the next 2 months. I know that wouldn't be fair to the boys but just thinking about getting Christmas things out just about sends me over the edge. How can I bear to wake up on Christmas morning without him here? That's when I remind myself that I can't think that far down the road. It's literally hour by hour around here. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me panic.
* Tired. I'm not sleeping great. I manage to fall asleep pretty fast but I am having really weird dreams. Although I don't really remember them when I wake up, I do think most of them are about Jason and are medical. I tend to wake up well before my alarm goes off and I'm just exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.
Tonight was our first night to eat dinner here, just the 3 of us. A sweet friend from church brought us dinner. I was getting our plates made and I asked Hudson to please get 3 forks and napkins out and on the table. He said "why not 4?" We just kind of stared at each other. The empty seat at the dinner table was like the elephant in the room. We were all trying to avoid looking at it. This does not seem right. I hate the number 3.
After brushing teeth and getting ready for bed, I sent Hudson in his room to practice spelling on the laptop while I was putting Cooper down. I asked him to choose a book and he went to his bookshelf and chose his scrapbook from his 3's preschool class. My heart sank the minute he handed it to me. There is a "daddy and me" page and I was dreading it. Mid way through the book, we got to that page and we both looked at the huge picture of Jason and Cooper. I watched Cooper's expression and saw the sadness in his eyes, I begged the Lord to please help me be strong. I wanted to yell at him for taking him from us but I managed to keep it together. While tucking him in and saying prayers, Cooper started to talk about how much he misses his dad. He has a harder time verbalizing his emotions but tonight he was able to express his feelings. The other day he told me that he was worried that something would happen to the rest of our family. He said he was scared I would die. I can't even properly put into words the pain this causes me. This only adds to the fears I have. I am so worried/scared about my physical health and safety. I'm the only parent left. Did I mention that I'm overwhelmed?
Hudson has said on several occasions that he wants to die so he can go to heaven. He doesn't say this in a suicidal way. He just knows that the only way to see Jason is to get to heaven. I don't blame him. I feel the same way (in a non suicidal way)
"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28
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