I mentioned the other day that I've changed since Jason died. His death has created lots of fears and insecurities that I didn't have before. Don't get me wrong......I'm human like everyone else and I certainly had minor fears and insecurities before all this happened. But I also had a loving and supportive husband that loved me exactly as I was. I never felt pressure to look a certain way, weigh a certain amount, carry myself a certain way........nope, he loved me for me. In fact, I would often be the one that was hard on myself. I'd say things like "if I could only lose these last 10 pounds....." or "sure would be nice to be a size 4 again." He would sincerely look at me and tell me that I was beautiful just the way I was. He would encourage me by saying "you have had 2 kids and are in your 30's and I think you look great......" And he meant it. Plus, the physical changes had happened over time. We were both really thin and fit when we got married and through the years, he watched my belly expand as I carried his babies and he loved me even more because of that.
After Jason died, I remember thinking "who is going to ever want me? I've been married and I have 2 kids and on top of that- my body shows it." For some crazy reason, this was a big insecurity for me. Instead of looking at my boys as an added bonus, I viewed the fact that I have kids as "baggage".......not because my boys are baggage but because I am a package deal now. The last time I dated, it was just me. I only had to think about me and my feelings and the other person only had to fall in love with me. Dating while being a single parent is completely different. It's complex and scary.
When feelings first started happening, I questioned Shawn about why he would want to date me. I told him that he deserved someone that had never been married and someone without kids so that he could experience those things for the first time with someone. It's hard to explain but for the first time in a really long time....I felt undeserving of love because of my situation. Not only did Shawn ease my mind about any insecurities I might have, he went above and beyond by showing me and telling me that the boys and I are what he's been waiting for. He loves the boys not only because he loves me, but also because he loves Jason and they are a part of both of us. It has certainly taken time, but I'm realizing that the boys and I have been the missing puzzle piece for him.
I know that these fears and insecurities are from the enemy. God certainly doesn't want me to feel this way. I pray about this quite often- that I can move forward and feel loved and deserving. Life is short and I can't allow myself to fall into this trap of feeling insecure or unworthy. For the most part, I'm in a better place with this. But I'm keeping it real and will admit that every once in a while, I still struggle with this. The reason I mention this is because I think this is a common issue among women.......not feeling worthy or allowing Satan to get inside their head and tell them they are less than what they really are. Don't buy into it. God makes no mistakes and he made every single one of us.
7 comments:
You don't know me but I have been following your blog for quite some time and I just had to let you know how happy I am for you! I am so glad that you and the boys have Shawn in your life.
Who wouldn't want you is the real question you should ask! From what I can tell you are an amazing mother and beautiful person.
I think & pray for you often and wish you only the best.
Sending my love :)
Angela
Calgary, AB Canada
Well said! You used the perfect word when saying "trap". We all need to be on alert to not get trapped by Satan and his plans to use our mind and emotions against us! You are precious and beautiful-inside and out!!!
What a good post because you worked through it right there on "paper" for yourself and others to witness. You knew what was happening and didn't give in, just keep doing that.
Jen,
We are so happy for you and Shawn. Jason was such an extraordinary person & we are so blessed to have known him. We are so glad that God has brought you and Shawn together at this time. He sounds like a wonderful person. We are so glad you are smiling again. We love you very much! Donna & Gary
I don't even remember how I found your blog, but I came to it about a month ago and I felt SO happy for you when I read about you finding someone who is helping you along this tough journey. It's funny how you don't even know someone but you get excited for them whenyou read something like that! :) But anyways, thank you for this post!! It is something I needed to hear! I had 3 kids in 3 years, (didn't plan it that way) and you can tell if you look at my body. Satan works hard to make us feel like we have to be perfect. Thank you for this post! You are a strong, wonderful woman!
We have mutual friends and somehow back in October I was directed to your blog to pray for you. I have kept up with you over the months and prayed as you have walked this journey no one deserves to ever walk. What courage and strength you have...and I know with no doubt it is from the Lord in your life.
I am so happy you have found love again. There is no denying the Lord's hands are all over this. I pray that joyful days are ahead for you and your boys.
One question---how are your inlaws taking to your new found love? I pray that they share your joy despite the unimaginable grief they must be feeling as they lost their son.
I love your updates and how real you are. I know you are blessing so many by your honesty.
I love your honesty too! What woman doesn't suffer from the mental influences of Satan? I struggle with it a lot too. He knows our strengths and weaknesses as woman and as mothers and when he can pull us down, he can pull our families down as well. Your thoughts sound just like mine - and Jason's reply sounds just like my husbands! I think it's normal for you to have changed since the accident. I've thought about this and I know I would change too. It's always fascinating to me how others mold us and shape us as we spend time with them. Thank you for the mental reminder! You and your boys are a beautiful package!
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