Coulda Shoulda Woulda

I'm human.  I have tiny regrets.  Nothing life shattering or so big that it keeps me awake at night but I do look back and wish I had done more of this, a little less of that, etc....  I often wonder if I had known that Jason was going to die- would I have done things differently?  I think the obvious answer is yes but I'm also thankful that we were able to just live life up until the very end and not have that fear hovering over us all the time.  When I'm at The Warm Place, I hear others share that their spouse suffered and died from cancer, some committed suicide, another a drug overdose.......and I force myself to feel thankful that Jason was happy and healthy up until noon on Oct 4.  That is a blessing in itself.
 
When someone close to you dies, there is a change that takes place.  I am forever different because I lost my husband.  Not in a bad way...but just altered in many areas.  I believe that we all try to learn and grow from the experience.  I'm still trying to figure out who I am without him.

Over the last several months, I've had people ask me questions about how to handle this or how to respond to that.  I hate that I'm a "go to" person when it comes to this topic but in some ways it's comforting that I can share my honest feelings with others as they try to help family/friends that experience a similar tragedy.  So here are some things that come to mind when I think about things I wish I had done (or not done):

• take lots of pictures and home videos.  I was really good about taking pictures but videos are something I slacked on.  I wish so much that I would have made that a priority. Hearing his voice and seeing him in a living form are so precious to us now.  
• handwritten notes- the first several times I saw Jason's handwriting on a sticky note or a card, it stopped me in my tracks.  Something about seeing that print that was unique to only him made me tear up.  Several years ago I bought a kit from a party where you write a note to your child on his/her birthday.  You save them and then give them all to them on their 18th birthday (or whenever you wanted).  We never did this.  Why?  I can only imagine how special those handwritten notes would be to the boys one day.  So, write your children notes from time to time and put them in a safe place.

A toy box that Jason built for Hudson

My grandpa gave us this sign from the original Hudson car

Jason wrote this note inside the toy box.  SOOO precious.  Just wish Cooper had one.

• I wish we would have gotten one of those books from Hallmark where you record yourself reading the story.  My mom did this and gave it to us one year......and I know it will be a treasure one day when she is gone.  I wish so much that Jason and I would have each done one.
• Have a serious discussion about what would happen if one of you died.  Talk about future plans, details with the kids........give your spouse permission to remarry one day.  They need to hear it from you.  That was such a huge gift that Jason gave me- and one I'll talk more about at a later time.  Anything you feel that needs to be said, take the time to say it.  You are not promised tomorrow.
• Have all your financial ducks in a row.  Have a will made and stored in a safe place.  Who will raise your kids if both of you die?  Figure out what amount of life insurance you would need so that your lifestyle doesn't have to change.  Are you a stay at home mom?  What amount would you need in order to continue to stay home?  Get with a financial planner or someone that is smart in this area if you need help projecting what you would need.  Get life insurance on BOTH of you.  We had/have life insurance on me even though I didn't work.  If I would have died, Jason would have needed to pay for after school day care, possibly pay someone to take them to school, possibly a housekeeper, etc.....  Make sure you know the passwords and codes to every bank account, safety deposit box, safe, online banking, etc...
• Go on dates.  This is something we talked about but we were not always the best at doing.  We didn't even have an excuse.  Our parents live here and were always more than willing to watch the boys for us.  We valued family time so much that we rarely made US a priority.  I wish so much that we would have had monthly date nights together.  

Of course there are other things like: should have told him I was proud of him more, should have been better about picking my battles, should have taken more vacations.......none of these are huge regrets but honestly if I had the chance to change them, I would.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is that we don't know what tomorrow holds for any of us.  Live today as if it's your last (but without fear) ...... love hard and laugh often.  That is the best advice I can give.