I mentioned the "train track" the other day and the ability to simultaneously have two very different sets of emotions going on at the same time. It sounds bizarre but it's my reality. Some days I wake up and the minute my eyes open I think, "crap, this is my life." I mourn the loss of Jason, I mourn the life and future we never get to have, I grieve for the boys and the fact that they lost him at such a young age. Some days I feel so very blessed to have two healthy boys and a special guy in my life that is willing to love us. I have joy and hope about my future. I have a great family and wonderful friends. And then, the sadness creeps back in. Back and forth and up and down. My mind and heart are constantly all over the place. It's almost cruel. But, it's normal and expected and justified.
Like all the other holidays, I survived Mother's Day. The boys and I spent some time with Jason's mom and step dad and then my mom and sister later in the evening.. The void was insanely obvious but I find that with each holiday, I get stronger and stronger. I tried to reflect back on the previous years with a smile on my face and thankful for memories that are forever in my heart. Then I look at my two blessings........the very boys that allowed me to assume the role as "mom" .........and I'm grateful.
With Hudson- March 2003
With Cooper- March 2006
5 comments:
On this day of your life, we believe God wants you to know ... that today you have a cause for celebration.
Today, you should celebrate what an unbelievable life you have had so far: the accomplishments, the many blessings, and, yes, even the hardships because they have served to make you stronger. Just as a gem cannot be polished without friction, nor can a life be perfected without trials. Take a time to acknowledge your life and to praise yourself.
This message spoke to me, Jennifer. I hope it speaks to you as well. Always in my prayers . . . thanking you again for sharing your journey.
I've been wanting to share something with you for a while and just couldn't seem to find the right time. Maybe this is the time. I have talked to other friends about this after the loss of a loved one and interestingly they shared the same view. It seems that around the 2 year mark after a death, miraculously, the hurt becomes markedly easier to live with. After the loss of my daddy, I discovered this. And, when my precious mother passed away, I just kept holding on for that two year period. It may sound crazy, but I hope you'll be able to have this peace as well. It might seem like a long time from now but it will pass all too quickly. Another thing that I realized: It has been 12 years since my mother went to heaven. I find it hard to believe that it's been that long. It seems like only yesterday because her love and spirit are with me everyday. And, I think of what I've read in the Bible about God's time being different from ours. I realize that God has given me sweet peace and the time is flying by--it won't be long and I'll be with her again. It's truly a gift from God.
My heart hurts for you every time I think about what you must be going through mentally when you wake up, or in your random missing Jason moments. I still hate that this is your life, but I am so happy that God has shown himself through every part of all of this. I feel that through all of this God has opened up the opportunity for a very special friendship, and for that I am so very thankful!
You are a wonderful mama! Your boys are so blessed to have you.
this brought me to tears again. I know that you have such a battle going on in your heart and mind and it makes me so sad to know you are going through this...you and your family. At the same time, I am so very proud of you for getting through this and for helping the boys do the same thing. God has plans for your future, just keep holding on to that. Know we hold you in prayer.
Post a Comment