Clear Answers

I already knew that I had some amazing friends but this week once again proved this to be true!  The encouragement and sweet words that were spoken to me (and Shawn too) have been so overwhelming.  All I can say is thank you.  And thank you for walking this road with me....even though I'm still walking it.

Many of you have asked some specific questions about the boys and how they are doing so I thought I'd answer some of that here.  The boys are doing well.  They definitely have their moments but overall I feel that they are adjusting to our new normal as good as can be expected.  They certainly miss their daddy and I find that evenings still tend to be the hardest for all of us.  Jason was such a good dad- he was extremely hands on so there is much to miss.  Although they can't really verbalize this, I know that Shawn being in the picture makes things better/easier/more secure for them.  One of the first comments out of their mouths when I told them that Jason died was "who will be our daddy?"......."who will take us fishing and camping?"........."who will do daddy things with us?"  I immediately told them that I would learn how to do those things with them but we all knew that even though I can be a good mom......I can never be a dad. So he has come into this picture and filled that void so selflessly and has loved my boys in such a big way.  I know they feel hope about the future and it's because of him.

I mentioned in my last post that I struggled some with the timing of all this.  I wrestled with feelings of guilt and also fear because I knew that my actions could and probably would hurt some around me.  I prayed so much about this and felt God giving me the answers in very direct ways.  My favorite example is this:  I had been thinking a lot about feelings that were developing and just trying to make sense of it.  I prayed that day that I would have a peace about how to handle this.  I asked God to be clear in his answer to me.  Later that evening, the boys and I were in the living room playing.  They both walked up to the couch and started asking me questions.  Our conversation went something like this:

Hudson: "mom, is Shawn married?"
Me:  "no"
Hudson:  (with a confused look on his face) "he's not?"
Me: "nope, he's never been married."
Cooper: "does he have any kids?"
Me: "no, no kids either"

You could see the wheels turning in their little heads.  I noticed that Hudson got really sad.

Hudson:  "so, you mean he's all alone?"
Me:  "well, he has family and lots of friends so he's not really alone."

Then the boys turned to each other and started talking.

Cooper to Hudson:  "hey, do you think that we could be his family?"
Hudson:  "yea, maybe we could be his kids and we could love him."

And I sat there and continued to listen to their precious conversation and my eyes filled with tears.  I felt the Lord speaking to me through my children and I knew I was getting my "clear answer."

Not too long after Jason died, my mom and I were talking one day about me and my future.  We were having a conversation about if I would remarry one day, etc..   I remember telling her some specific things that day.  I told her that I would never get on E-Harmony or Match.com  or any kind of dating website.  I'm a single mom (and not just a single mom but the only living parent) and I would never risk my safety by going on dates with strangers.  I told her that I would prefer someone that didn't have a crazy ex-wife and preferably someone without kids.  I realized that the chances of no kids was slim but I said it anyways.  I told her that I'd probably have a hard time finding a guy that would understand that I wanted to wait until I was married to have sex.  Want to talk about clear answers?  God literally dropped a single, never been married, kidless man into my lap that was perfectly fine with my last request.  How do I begin to argue with that?

This picture was taken at the fall festival.  I'm so glad that Shawn had the forethought to have someone take this.  Even though we were just friends at the time it's very special to me.......thumb and all!