During my quiet time this morning, I found this statement and it really stood out to me: Always set your gaze beyond your present pain and on to God's promised prizes!
There is both peace and frustration that comes with this statement. Peace because I know that His plan for me is bigger than I can even imagine. Peace because I am given the promise of Heaven one day. On the other side of that though comes frustration. Frustration that my plan looked very different.
I spent the last hour or so googling "flying with crematory remains" and trying to research the best way to transport Jason's ashes. I called American Airlines to see what the exact steps are in order to make this as smooth as possible. The last thing I want is to have an issue the day I'm scheduled to leave town. I imagine this process will be emotional enough without there being problems getting the remains on the airplane. So after talking to countless people and explaining my situation to at least 5 people ( I was transferred to several different departments and desks.....it was ridiculous) I think I finally have it figured out. I'm nervous about it though. This process required me to actually look at the remains. I haven't touched them since the day I got them......roughly 32 weeks ago. I was questioned about the container and packaging so I went to the closet to get them. That moment was just as surreal to me as the day he died. My brain still can't fathom that my husband is inside. I want so bad for this to be a horrible mistake.
Today I find myself just feeling sad. I miss him terribly but am trying to do what the above statement says- keep my eyes on the goal.
Rehearsal dinner- June 16, 2000
Honeymoon in Kauai- June 2000
6 comments:
I'm with you. I take such hope and peace in that statement but won't it be great when we don't feel that pain anymore! Thank you for reminding me of the prize today.
This may seem weird to be getting this poem from me. You don't know me at all, but I am Jennifer Bailey's sister-in-law. She sent me your blog a long time ago and I have been following you for a while. I think you are an incredibly strong, amazing woman and my heart and prayers have gone out to you and your family with the loss of your husband. Thanks for sharing your life and for setting an example of faith, and grace, even in difficult circumstances. I came across this poem today and I thought of you:
-Still would have chosen you - By Terri Banish
If before you were born, I could have gone to heaven and saw all the beautiful souls, I still would have chosen you... ... ... If God had told me, "This soul would one day need extra care and needs", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul may make your heart bleed", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul would make you question the depth of your faith", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul would make tears flow from your eyes that could fill a river", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "This soul may one day make you witness overbearing suffering", I still would have chosen you
If He had told me, "All that you know to be normal would drastically change", I still would have chosen you
Of course, even though I would have chosen you, I know it was God who chose me for you.
oh sweetie, you will get through this too, you are so strong. I'll change my prayers to fit this particular need. love ya.
LOVE that!! Thank you for sharing it with me
I, too, want it to be a horrible mistake. My heart still hurts for you. {{Hugs}}
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