Christmas Blah

For most of my life......leading up to 2011, I always celebrated holidays and Christmas specifically with a full heart and a big smile and an overall feeling of happiness.  I knew and realized that this time of year brought great sadness for other people but I had no idea just how hard it could be for people.  While I tried to sympathize with others, I will admit that I didn't dwell on or give it a ton of thought.  I was busy living and loving and enjoying life.  Just as I should have been.

It's crazy how your perspective on life and holidays and Christmas can really change when you experience a significant loss.  Christmas is no longer 100% fun or full of joy.  It's tainted with heartache and there is an undeniable void that always lingers.  As much as you try to push that aside there is always something that brings back a memory or reminds you that he's gone.  It's never the same.  Never ever.

Just this week, I noticed:

* that watching Christmas Vacation will never be the same.  While sweet boy enjoys this movie.....he does not have the same passion for it as Jason and I did.  And he doesn't laugh at all the same spots that we did and he doesn't spend an hour after it's over reciting the funny lines from the movie.

Not bad, just different.

* Jason really got into the Elf on the Shelf tradition.  He would usually be in charge of moving Cronko because he was more of a night owl and he sort of took care of that for me.  In Shawn's defense, he's still adjusting to having kids.....let alone messing with a stupid elf.  I get it.

Not bad, just different.

*  By this point, Jason would start asking when I would be making peppermint bark and he would start talking about all the wassail he would soon consume at my parent's Christmas Eve party.  Shawn probably doesn't even know that I make peppermint bark and he's never had my mom's wassail.  In his defense it's only because he's new to the scene.  In a few years, I will probably say the same about him.

* Jason (and me too) loved to take the boys out to look at Christmas lights.....the boys in their jammies and us making a QT run so that he could get a large Mighty Mocha to drink on the ride.  Shawn isn't used to experiencing Christmas through a child's eyes and the simple act of driving to see lights falls short on his list.  

* When the boys were tiny, Jason and I would spend hours on Christmas Eve stuffing stockings and putting toys together and arranging them by the tree.  After getting it all ready, we would sit by the tree and open our stocking gifts to each other because we knew that the next morning would be crazy and all about the boys and we wanted that time just he and I.  We would giggle as he took a bite of the "cookies for Santa" and he'd take a giant sip of the milk left out.  

If I close my eyes.....I can still see his face and his expression.  I can still hear that laugh.

Will the boys remember all that?

What I hate the most is that I had 35 years of living in oblivion and knowing the simple joy of the holidays.  My boys got jipped in that area......and honestly this will be all they know.  Life without their daddy and celebrating with that taint of sadness.

I will obviously do my best to conceal my sadness and create happy new memories for them.....but I'll admit that it's harder than it seems to do that sometimes.

This morning as I was wiping the number off our countdown to Christmas plaque I realized that my heart is secretly rushing the days away.  I'm honestly ready for January.  Even though January and all the months after that will still not have Jason in them... Christmas time seems to magnify the pain.

But then as I watched these precious little boys eat their breakfast and try to find the elf (that I moved about 1 minute before they woke up because I forgot last night) I reminded myself that I owe it to them to embrace this season and to make it as fun and enjoyable as possible.

Praying that each year gets easier!

Icecation 2013

Thursday afternoon, the temps started dropping and it started sleeting.  I'm so glad I had the forethought to make a grocery run and stock up on food "just in case" because we've been iced in ever since.  

The other day, Cronko brought the boys reindeer poop.  They thought that was so funny!

On Friday, the boys wanted to head outside to play but it was completely ice.  And ice isn't as fun because you can't build a snowman or make snowballs.

Tossing the football for a bit.

Cronko didn't like the boys having all the fun in the snow so he tried to make his own snow angel. (and didn't accomplish this very well)

This morning he colored a nice picture for us.

Today the ice started melting a bit and turning slushy so we decided to get out and brave the roads.  They really were not that bad.  Cabin fever had definitely set in so it was nice to have a change of scenery for a little bit.  We ate lunch and went to the grocery store....thankfully we stocked up because I just found out that school is cancelled tomorrow.  Good times.

Cooper trying to make a snow angel.  No luck.  Pure ice.

I feel kind of guilty after seeing all my friends post all their sledding pics on Facebook.  We haven't been out that much and I haven't really pushed it.  We will be having fun in the snow in about 3 weeks from now so I've enjoyed being cozy and lazy inside.

This afternoon, we came back inside and started making cookies.  Sort of a "cook-off" between sweet boy and myself.  Him making chocolate chip and me making oatmeal.

I had to bite my tongue in so many ways......with him not measuring correctly and doing things waaaaay different than I do.  But, we had fun anyways. :)  Look how he arranges the cookie on the cookie sheets?  Ugh, my OCD almost can't handle it!

Feeling Tested

I want to first mention that this blog initially started out as a way for me to document about our lives.  It gave grandparents a way to check in on the boys and a place for me to write down the funny stories so that I didn't forget.  After Jason died, this blog obviously became an outlet for me to journal about this grief journey.  Unfortunately, my boys and spouse and parents and friends sometimes get pulled in too because I tell stories or mention them from time to time.  While most of the time it's no big deal.....sometimes there are parts of life that I don't mention because some things should be kept private.  For that reason, I'm going to be somewhat vague in my sharing today.  I think/hope I can still get my point across without airing all the dirty laundry.

Before Shawn and I got married, we started praying about our lives.  About our future together.  We asked for God's will in every part of it.  We have both learned from previous trials in life that when you surrender it all to God.....you just can't go wrong.  I fully believe that when you do this, God opens and closes doors so that there is no mistake on which path to take.  (although sometimes I do feel that people can take the wrong path because they follow the desires of their heart and not God's)  Obviously, the path taken is our decision.

In one particular area of our life, we started seeing God's work and things were falling into place.  Looking back, I feel that we were very obedient in listening to His calling.  Fast forward about 9-10 months and we are miserable in that area.  (I know I'm being vague here.  I'm sorry.  But just to ease your mind.....we are great with each other.  As in, there are no marital problems between us.  Oh, and we are NOT trying to get pregnant)

We are feeling extremely tested right now.  And we are frustrated too.  The last few weeks we have talked to each other and expressed our frustrations and are left questioning and wondering why things happen the way they do sometimes?  I know that God doesn't promise a perfect life but when you ask for His will and you follow what you feel are His prompts......and you still end up unhappy and unsettled then it can be quite frustrating.

I'll be honest.  I've had a few conversations with God and I've expressed my frustrations to Him.  (over the years my faith has grown enough to understand that all my talks with God don't have to be uplifting and full of praise.  He wants to know my hurt too)  I've asked Him why?  I've asked Him what exactly is it that He's trying to teach us right now? Have I not learned enough the last 2 years?  Even though I know that Jason's death doesn't give me immunity from trials or pain......come on God.....can't you cut this girl some slack?

Today I find myself in the thick of this trial.  And the hard part is that we don't see an answer just yet.  And the really stinky part is that this seems to be spilling over into other areas of life and making life just blah right now.

The last few weeks, I've been pondering the verse in Romans- "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."

I don't know about you, but sometimes it's hard to rejoice in my sufferings.  And sometimes it's hard when we are praying but we feel that God isn't revealing.  Anyone else been there?  All I know is that God must really want me to be woman of character.....the last 2 years have been full of opportunities for me to grow in this area. :/

I appreciate prayers on our behalf right now.  I know you don't have specifics but God knows the details.  And he knows the outcome.....and I have to cling to that and remind myself that this entire situation is in His hands.

Thanksgiving Break

Last Tuesday, the boys and I headed over to Cece's house to see them for a bit.  Hannah (pictured) and Maya are the boys' aunts.  We don't get to see them as much as we would like but they always love spending time with them when we get the chance.  (Jason's dad remarried and had 2 girls later in life so this is the reason for the age difference)  Hannah will be going to the University of Arkansas in January and we are so excited for her!!

On Wednesday, we headed north about 6 hours.....into the heart of Oklahoma (aka: the middle of nowhere) to spend time with Shawn's family.  It was nice and relaxing.

Shawn's sister and her family.

Shawn's mom and sister.

I honestly don't know how I got so lucky to have 2 awesome families to join.  Both Jason and Shawn's families are so sweet and welcoming.  I feel so lucky when I hear people telling horror stories about their in-laws.

Shawn and his dad.

With his mamaw- she's 92!

The kids table at lunch.  They were ready to eat!

We decided to come back on Saturday so that the traffic wouldn't be as bad and so we would have a day to unwind here at home before starting back to reality.  We did get stuck in some traffic once we got into the DFW metroplex.....but this pretty sunset made it more bearable!

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Last weekend when we were getting our Christmas stuff out, I put this frame in Hudson' room.  He immediately got quiet and told me that he didn't want it in there.  I moved it to the living room.

I put this one in Cooper's room and it stayed there until last night.........when he came out of his room after being tucked into bed for the night.....with huge tears rolling down his cheeks.  It, too....got moved to the living room.

I never know what the boys will need or how they will respond to things.  I want to represent Jason without making us sad or shadowing over our life now but that is a hard balance sometimes.  Seeing pictures like this of happier times makes all of us so sad.  Is he really never coming back?

Last night was a bit of a disaster trying to get everyone settled from the week off.  The boys were used to staying up late and sleeping together.  We had no routine last week (which was nice) but they resisted the earlier bedtime and sleeping alone in their own rooms last night. Both of them got up multiple times after being tucked in and both were in tears for different reasons.  I know they are tired.....which doesn't help the weepy situation.  I hope we can get back into our swing for the next 3 weeks and make it until Christmas break rolls around.  

Plus, we only have.........

And this little guy came back to visit us! :)

Happy Thanksgiving!!

I hope everyone has a blessed day!!

Late Thanksgiving....Early Christmas

The fact that Thanksgiving is a week later this year is really throwing me off!  I've been confused so many times this month already when planning events or trying to schedule activities.  It just feels off.  Anyone else?

I'm not used to traveling at Thanksgiving.  Jason and I both have our families here and in the past, my dad has been in Texas as well visiting my grandparents.  So we've always had the luxury of enjoying our week off from school and relaxing during this break.

Shawn's parents are both from a tiny town in Oklahoma.  His parents live about 30 minutes from us, but their parents and siblings all still live in Oklahoma.  This is the only time of year that Shawn gets to see everyone so Thanksgiving is a pretty big deal to them.  So, this means that now we travel for Thanksgiving and no longer get to enjoy hanging around the house all week.  It's fine.  No complaints here.  Just finding my new normal.

In the past, I've always put my Christmas tree and decorations up the weekend after Thanksgiving.  I know there are so many opinions on when to do this.....but I personally do not like to eat turkey and stare at my tree.  I feel that every holiday deserves it's time so I've never ever put my tree up before then.  I enjoy my fall decorations and I want to keep them up as long as I can.  

Don't get me wrong......I LOVE Christmas and all the decorations for that too.  I am just sort of picky about when it gets put up.  Now on the flip side of that, I am ready to take my Christmas stuff down December 26.  I'm tired of the clutter and with the addition of all the new toys and presents....I start to feel a little claustrophobic.  I know.  I'm weird.

This year, I broke my rule.  Because Thanksgiving is a week later and because we are now traveling during the break and because we leave on our family vacation 2 days after Christmas.....I started doing the math and realized if I waited to put our tree up that we would only enjoy it for about 3 weeks.  Is that even worth the hassle?  So we got it all out yesterday and while I do feel relieved that it's done.....it feels weird.  I'm craving peppermint when I should still be loving pumpkins.   I know.  I'm weird!

On Saturday, we went to the ICE exhibit with Shawn's family.  It was lots of fun but brrrrr it was cold!

Sweet cousins

9 degrees is fun for only so long.

The boys enjoyed the ice slide

Every time I go, I am amazed that every single thing is made of ice.  There are some crazy talented people in this world.

The boys have enjoyed having a lazy morning today.  No school.  No homework.  Just relaxing with the ipad.  Doesn't get much better than that.

Jacked Up Hair and Granny Shoes

I saw this quote on a website the other day and I immediately identified with it.  I'm sure it's also true for those that have lost a child, a parent, a spouse, or anyone else close to them.  Do you ever wake up one day and no longer long to see that person?  I highly doubt it.

I'm really feeling a void right now.  I've mentioned before that fall was Jason's favorite season.  Everything about this time of year screams his name.  His birthday is quickly approaching.....and then the other holidays that are right behind it.  It honestly feels like a lifetime since I've seen him.  And I hate it.

It's red cup time at Starbucks!  And that also means Skinny Peppermint Mochas.  Yum-O!!

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So I asked my mom to take the boys to get a haircut on Friday while I was gone.  Hudson has been giving me fits about cutting his hair.  He wants to grow it out but it's in the shaggy stage.  I don't think Hudson has the right hair to wear it long but what do I know?  I do know that my mom is able to convince them of things a little better than me sometimes and I felt that he might not fight her on it.  I just wanted at least the back and around the ears trimmed.  He agreed and they headed to the salon.

I don't go to any fancy-smancy place for my kids.  But I do expect a decent job.  They keep notes in the computer of what size clippers they use so each time we go in, we can look at what has been used before.  Both boys were taken back by a different stylist and my mom told them to do exactly what we've always done for Cooper and to just shape up Hudson's hair.  Before she knew it, the dude cutting Cooper's hair decides to get the shortest blade he can find and mow a big row down his head.  My mom starts freaking out.....telling him that it's waaaaaay too short and that this was not was she was wanting.  I have no idea why he cut it that short because if he had looked at the notes, he would have seen that we never go that short.  Not even in the summer.  But the damage was already done.

The last few weeks, Cooper has been asking me to spike it in a Mohawk or up in the front and we've been having fun with it.  I felt that his Mohawk was getting a little too tall so I wanted his cut a little shorter to allow for the spiking.

And this is what we got.  A bur.  Awesome.  And it's almost December.

Apparently he wasn't too upset over it but my mom sure was.  She sent me a text on Friday and was going off about how this guy jacked his hair up.  He is a little sad that we basically have no options on styling it.....but I've reminded him that it's just hair.

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Today at preschool, I'm standing next to the restroom while some of my kiddos are going potty.  This little girl (that I don't know) is walking really fast towards me and is so excited to tell me something.  She says, "my grandma has those shoes!!!"

Um, thanks.

I think?

Either grandma is pretty trendy or I'm really not.

Have a good day!