Still Here

I've made some good ground on the "business" front and feel like my to-do list is getting shorter and shorter each day. I'm feeling less overwhelmed now that I'm getting some things in order. A huge answer to prayers: they allowed me to get the contents of the safety deposit box on Wednesday. The old saying "it's all who you know" is so true. If it had not been for one sweet Branch Manager making a call to the other Chase location, I am pretty sure my documents would still be there. They would not allow me to take Jason's birth certificate though, which I thought was random, but I decided to not argue with that one since I'll probably never have a need for it. Unfortunately, everyone is interested in seeing a death certificate and I've yet had anyone ask me for his birth certificate. So, I took everything and left it behind. Huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

The boys are trucking along, although I do see some changes in both of them. Hudson tends to get really quiet, especially around bedtime. I can tell that his mind drifts off to Jason and he gets sad. He's been asking some pretty tough questions......questions that I don't really have answers for. I can't even put into words how hard it is to hear your child cry and beg for their daddy. To even say "rips your heart out" is an understatement. I'm a fixer. I want to fix things for them and this is something that I simply can not fix. Last night he asked me why daddy can't call us from heaven. Cooper is crazy emotional. Seriously, this child is breaking down all the time. It's really sending me over the edge since my emotional state is obviously less than where it usually is. He gets weepy, is throwing fits and cries at the drop of a hat. I know he is processing this death in his own way so I'm trying hard to be patient for him. Most times when he gets upset, there is very little I can do to console him. I'm exhausted most evenings just trying to keep him at bay. Please continue to pray for these sweet boys. They have lost something so precious to them. Jason was a very involved dad so this is making it that much harder.

As for me, I continue to have a mixture of feelings throughout the day. Early mornings are by far the worst for me. I wake up and my heart immediately pounds almost out of my chest. I instantly realize this is not a dream. It's my life, my reality. Thankfully I have a hundred things to do right after I get up so my morning does not usually allow for time to sit and think. My mom is still here with me, helping me finish things up. I've only spent one night alone (my choice) so I do understand that the full reality has not hit me yet. Evenings come and I'm so tired that I usually fall asleep pretty quick. I'm thankful for that.

I often feel God speaking to me. It's weird....I will randomly start singing some church song in my head and then I really focus on the words. It's like God is telling me something. I try to find comfort and view this as a "conversation" between me and God.

Family and friends continue to be such an amazing support system for me. Every day I'm blown away at how many people love our family. Jason had NO idea how much he was loved. I think that is so very sad. Honestly, I think we are all guilty of not showing or telling people how much we really love them. This has shown me to make sure I tell people how special they are to me. We never know if or when we will get the chance to do that. Go tell someone how special they are to you!

Blessed

Trying to find blessings in all of this mess. All day today, I've tried to think about ways I've been blessed since Jason died. Here are some things that come to mind:

• if Jason had not taken himself to the hospital that day, he would have more than likely come home and died in front of us. I can't even wrap my brain around that and how much worse that would have been for us.


• right when I got to the hospital, Jason and I had some time to talk. We talked, prayed, hugged and kissed..... we had that final conversation that noone should have to have. I have a ton of peace because of things that were spoken that day. So thankful that "I love you" was the last thing we got to say to each other


• Jason was able to call the boys before going into surgery. While he kept it lighthearted (I honestly think he felt he would survive) he was able to tell them that he loved them and was proud of them. I know that many people don't get that chance.


• We never had to watch him suffer. I hear of stories all the time where people are forced to watch their loved one wither away and suffer. While the shock of how fast this all happened was a huge blow, I can honestly say I'm thankful that he didn't suffer.


• Family- Jason and I have great families that are helping me in ways that only they can.


• Friends- we are blessed with amazing friends. I can't even begin to tell you all the ways that I've been blessed. We have had people mow our grass, bring us food, raise money for medical bills, etc......


• Strangers- I've been contacted by people that I don't even know telling me how much they are praying for our family. I'm very touched by this.


• Prayers- I know without a doubt that prayers are the only thing that has carried me up to this point.


• I'm thankful for 12.5 years together. While I feel our time was cut short, I know that some people don't even get that together.


• I'm thankful for grace and the promise of Heaven one day. I am so extremely happy for Jason. He doesn't have to work, he won't ever be sick, or worried or scared.

I got a card in the mail the other day and I loved what the front said: Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts a shadow of our burden behind us.

the circus and stuff

Most of yesterday was spent taking care of business type things. I won't go into a ton of details here but basically Jason had a safety deposit box (that was free each month as part of the premium checking account he had) and Chase will not let me have the contents of the box. It took several hours to be granted permission to even search the box but nothing could be removed. Every original important document we own is in there- birth certificates, titles to our cars, SS cards, passports, etc..... Because I didn't go with Jason when he opened it up, I'm not listed on the account. Even though the checking account clearly lists me as the beneficiary, I have no rights at this point. Please pray that this situation can be resolved soon. I will have to meet with a probate lawyer to get this resolved. A few of those documents are needed really soon since I have some meetings that will require them. To say this is frustrating is a huge understatement.

Call me weird but I've always been drawn to stories where someone has lost a spouse. When you are in the blog world people often share blog addresses while asking for prayers and lots of times I would bookmark those blogs and check in on them from time to time. I would read and get wrapped up in their pain, in their stories. I probably have 5-6 still bookmarked on my computer in the study of men and women that lost a spouse. I can't help but wonder if God had me do that intentionally. Did he want me to see and hear their pain so that today I could know that what I'm feeling is normal? Did he want me to see that families are still putting one foot in front of the other and actually making it? Was he trying to show me that there is hope? I do know that no matter how well I listened to their story, I never could imagine the amount of hurt they were feeling. You can't even begin to describe it.
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Mom and I took a break while the lady at Chase was trying to figure out if I could even go in and take a look at the contents of the box. We stayed close and ran into Panara Bread to eat really fast. I ran into a mom and daughter that I knew several years ago- the daughter was in the class I student taught in and the mom paid me for almost a year to private tutor her daughter. That sweet second grader is now all grown up and a beautiful college student. Wonderful to see them but depressing that I had to quickly recap my last week to them because they wanted to know what had been going on in my life. About 5 minutes later, I saw a former teacher that I taught school with right when I began teaching. I didn't know her well- she taught kinder while I taught second grade but she seemed like a super sweet person. I eventually left that school and lost touch with her. I've always thought about her though because she lost her teen daughter the same day I had Hudson. They were driving together when a drunk driver caused them to lose control of the car. I remember 8.5 years ago feeling so guilty because I was rejoicing while she was heartbroken. Every March on or around Hudson's birthday I've thought and prayed for her because I imagined how hard that time of year was for her. She had heard about Jason and came over to hug me and talk for a few minutes. We talked about the pain, the shock, the waves of emotions you feel when someone dies. She then began to tell me about her son who is married and his wife just had their third child. His wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer while pregnant with this third child. They began treaments and took the baby a little early but thankfully the baby is doing well. All of a sudden, I asked her some details (are their names this, did they work and live here,etc......) and made the quick realization that I had stumbled somehow on her son's church website where they were giving updates on his wife. I had bookmarked this site and almost every day since I found it I would look for updates and pray for this sweet family. I thought this was so weird that this ended up being her son. Crazy small world. But how wonderful is this blog world where we can share our lives and pray for each other? I know that many have stumbled on mine and are praying for us. Thank you for that. I know that running into this old friend today was not just by chance. God once again is showing me that their is hope and people do survive.

We took the boys to the circus last night. A friend of Jason's gave us box seats last year and again this year. The boys were really excited to go again. It was wonderful to see the smiles and excitment in their eyes. They continue to do so well. I couldn't help but look around and watch all the sweet families there. I had to wonder- do they even know how lucky they are? I think back to just 11 days ago. Did I know how lucky I was?

another day

Shock is wearing off. Reality is setting in. Ugh, not ready for the stages of grief that are headed my way. Someone told me today that I'd soon be entering the mad stage. I've had bouts of questioning- wondering why God didn't answer my plea- but I can honestly say that I'm not mad. Not yet anyways. I really pray that I never get there. I don't want bitterness in my heart.

Every day since Jason died we have had a list a mile long of things to do. Today was no different. I look forward to the weekend, when I can't make phone calls or take care of "business." I really need a day to just be. I've been fortunate to have an amazing support system and people like my sister to take charge and make phone calls or do things that I haven't had the energy to do.

We've had so many people offer to bring us meals. What a lifesaver! Last night we didn't have anyone signed up to come so mom and I decide to order a pizza. Jason and I have always ordered from Mr. Jims. We live really close to one and for the last 11 years, Jason and I have been pretty regular customers. We don't eat out a ton but we would often let Friday nights be a night off in the kitchen for me and just enjoy a pizza. Most of the time, Jason would call it in on his way home and pick it up before he got here. This particular Mr. Jims is owned (or managed) by a really nice guy named Todd. Probably about the same age as Jason. They would talk and shoot the breeze and pretty much every time he would come home with pizza he would tell me that Todd would say "hey Jason" and they would talk. This always made Jason feel good that they recognized him and knew him by name. So, I called in the pizza and went to the drive-thru to pick it up. They came to the window and handed me the pizza. I handed him some cash but the guy wouldn't take it. He said "its the least we could do." I noticed Todd standing behind him and these guys stared at me with such sadness. They knew about Jason's death. Such a small gesture but it really touched me. Once again showing me how Jason touched so many people even in the smallest of situations.

I didn't sleep well last night. I had all kinds of weird and crazy dreams. Today I'm exhausted. I had zero appetite this morning and all day I've dreaded the call from the funeral home. Mom and I made a run to the grocery store and ran a few errands and then made the dreaded trip. I filled out a few forms and then was handed a reusable shopping bag. Inside, were the keepsake urns and the ashes. I couldn't even reach my hand out to grab the bag. My mom carried it for me and we walked in complete silence back to the car. So hard to realize that my 6 foot husband was inside that bag. So surreal. And so unfair.

I've had several people tell me that they were so touched by Jason's service. These people have sent me private messages just telling me that they were inspired to be better because of him. That makes my heart so happy. At least I don't feel that this was for nothing. The other day I had someone say something like "why couldn't God have taken a deadbeat dad or someone that abused his wife instead of taking an amazing person like Jason?" My response was "because very few people would have cared and lives would not have been changed." I have to tell myself that good will somehow come from this.

I've seen God's hand all over our family in regards to this situation.......even long before Jason's death.

• This time last fall, we put our house on the market. Jason was working far and had a really long commute. He was getting home late and our family time was suffering because of it. We didn't really want to move but thought we should at least try to get closer. We listed our house, had tons of showings, lots of great feedback but no offers. We decided to pull it off the market around the holidays so that we could enjoy ourselves and not worry about the condition of the house all the time. We said we would relist it in February or so. In the spring, Jason got a new job......one that is 7 miles from our house. At the time we were so thankful our house never sold. I'm SOOO thankful it didn't sell because this is the only house we've had together and we've created a life here. We have good neighbors, a church home, a wonderful school for the kids. All of those things would have changed if we had moved. God watched over our family and made sure we stayed put. He was protecting me.



• About a month ago, Jason decided he was ready for a new car. He was ready to trade in the 10 year old Accord and get something newer. We found "the car of his dreams" and went to Dallas to look at it. He fell in love immediately and we bought it that day. It had been a lease car and they had just gotten it the day before. It needed to be detailed and had a few scratches on the outside that they were willing to fix for us. They allowed us to take the car home over the weekend and we planned to drop it off on Monday for a day or two so that they could make it brand new for us. We drove the car back on Monday and on our way there I noticed that the inspection sticker was going to expire in about 2 weeks. Jason asked them if they could take care of it, which they happily agreed to. On Tues, Jason got a call that the car didn't pass inspection and there were some pretty big electrical issues. We talked about it and ultimately he didn't feel good about it so we backed out of making the purchase final. We decided we'd keep looking until we found another just like it. Wow, God was protecting me that day. Both of our cars are currently paid for. If we had bought this car, I would have been stuck with a huge car payment and a painful reminder of a car he had dreamed of for a long time that he never got the chance to enjoy. Thank you Lord for that protection.



• In the early summer, I was wanting to plan another vacation for our family. We had taken the boys to San Diego back in March for their birthdays and had a blast at Legoland, the San Diego Zoo and California in general. I knew since we had just done a big trip that Jason probably wouldn't be up for us doing anything during the summer. I got online and starting looking at a cruise in December. I proposed the idea and he thought it sounded good but needed to check with work first. He came home the next day or so and told me that work was discouraging people from taking vacation during Nov and Dec because of tax season. He said "let's plan something before school starts back for the boys." I got online and started looking for places we could go at the last minute, a place that was within driving distance, and somewhere we had never been before. I decided on Gulf Shores- we had a blast at the beach and even stayed at a campsite one night. It was a wonderful trip........our last family trip. So thankful that God orchestrated that for us. Lots of amazing memories were made that week.

I'm avoiding the closet. When I absolutely have to go in there, I sort of set my eyes towards the left and look directly at my things. I can't bear to see all his shirts hanging up and all the things that were placed there by him. On the floor is the white bag from the hospital that contains the last set of clothes he ever wore. I guess I'll know when I'm ready to go in there and face all that.

The boys are continuing to do well. Cooper seems to be much more emotional than he normally is but they haven't had any huge cry sessions over the death in the last few days. I tend to analyze this. Is it because we've kept them so busy? Is it because they still don't fully get it? Probably a little of both. I'm so scared that the boys will forget him. Especially Cooper. He's 5.5 and it breaks my heart to think he might not ever remember his dad. I'm going to try my best to keep his memory alive. We talk about him every single day and always will.

I booked an appointment for Dec for us to attend an orientation at a nearby grief center. They have evening therapy session for families (kids attend one while parents attend another) and I've heard great things about this place. While I can't say I'm excited about it, I can say that I'm happy to get the boys into something so that I make sure they are coping and that I'm helping them heal.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27

So thankful for sweet friends that send me verses when I don't have the strength to search.

Hello

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Life sure has changed a lot since my last post. In case you've never read my blog before: Hi, I'm Jennifer.......wife to Jason and mom to Hudson and Cooper. My husband, Jason, passed away a week ago today. I guess this will serve as my form of "therapy" for a while. My sister encouraged my oldest son to journal his thoughts so today I decided to do the same for myself.

I don't have the emotional energy tonight to go into detail of my husband's death. I will though, just so that I can walk myself through those 2 days and fully process everything that happened. For now, I'll just start with today.

Today (like all the others) has been a mixture of emotions. One minute I feel such peace. Peace that I know only comes from God. The next minute I feel so completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I have 2 sons to raise. Happy. Happy that my husband is in heaven. Jealous. Jealous that my husband is in heaven. Pissed. Pissed that my husband is in heaven. See the roller coaster ride of emotions? This has been what the last 7 days have been like for me.

Yesterday I spent some time with my financial planner. Let me first say this: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A WILL, GET ONE TODAY. I can't even fathom how overwhelmed I would be if Jason and I had not had a will. DO NOT put it off. My husband was 40, in the best shape of his life, did not smoke, exercised 3 times a week and weighed 177 pounds when he died. I cooked almost every meal we ate. We ate very healthy. There were no warning signs. This too could be your reality.

Today I spent some time making phone calls to various companies to have Jason's name removed from our accounts. This has been extremely painful. I feel like I'm erasing him from our family. I don't want just my name there. We've been married for over 11 years and it's always been Jason and Jennifer. How in the world did I get here?

The early morning and late at night are the hardest for me. In the morning, my eyes open and my heart immediately begins to pound out of my chest. This is not a dream. This is my reality, my living nightmare. The daytime has been somewhat bearable......one because my mom is here but also because I'm kind of use to being alone or doing my own thing during the day since I'm a stay at home mom. Evenings are hard. This is when Jason would come home and things were whole. We would eat dinner together. Talk. The boys would all wrestle. Build Lego's. Make memories. Jason and I would take turns each night with the boys. One night I'd put Cooper down while Jason put Hudson down and the next night we'd flip flop. We would read, talk and pray with the boys. It gave us some alone time with each of them. I'm so thankful that we had that routine but again, overwhelmed that now it's just me. Once my mom leaves, I try to envision what my nights after the boys go to bed will look like. I feel my blood pressure rising at the thought of it. I always told Jason that I never slept good when he wasn't home. And that was the truth. But I would tell him how wonderful it was to have the entire bed to myself and to not listen to his snoring.....but I'd endure constant snoring and no part of the bed to have him back. Weird that some of the things that annoyed me are the things I miss most.

The funeral guy called me today. Really sweet guy but he started the conversation out "hello, the cremation has been done and the urns are ready to be picked up." Sorry, but this sent me into full on cry mode. Although I was comfortable with the choice to cremate (we discussed this prior to his death) it still hurt really bad to hear the words that it had taken place. One more thing to remind me that this is real.

The boys have had their moments (usually morning and night like me) but I would say that today was a good day for them. They started back to school on Tuesday and I can't even begin to say how awesome the staff has been to us. When we first met the boys' teachers, Jason and I felt so good about them. It just felt right. I 100% know that God's hand was all over the placement in the classes. They are both amazing and are loving on my boys when I can't be there. Hudson's class put a HUGE basket together with Lego kits, star wars stuff, books, movies, treats and a sweet book about what the students loved about him. They were so excited to get home and open it up. It was really the first time in the last week that I saw and heard the normal laughs and smiles.

All day, I've had the words from the song "No Tears in Heaven" playing around in my head. It was one of the songs we sang at his service and one that I picked because it gives me great peace to know that there are no tears there. He isn't sad. If given the chance, he wouldn't come back and I honestly wouldn't expect him too. I've always known that this is not our home and that we really are just passing through. This past week has made that more evident to me. I just wish this had been his home a little longer.

Our second week of summer was pretty lazy since the first week we were getting up early for music camp. Lots of hanging out, playing outside and getting wet.





















































Running through the splash pad. Cooper was unsure at first.

These boys could play with the water hose for hours if I'd let them. Looking forward to a fun summer!

Fish Tales Music Camp

During our first week of summer, Hudson participated in the music camp at our church. This year it was called Fish Tales and it was super cute. The first day or two, he wasn't so sure. He isn't a huge fan of being up on stage so it did take him a bit to get used to the idea.

A few of the boys did a little solo dance act and he did a cute job. I was shocked when they told me that he agreed to do it. I think the skeleton shirt convinced him!