Friday Favorites

1.  The legging/long tunic look.

Yea, this trend helps support and hide the massive amount of lbs that I've gained this last year. (sigh)

Move over plain black....there are some fun prints on the scene.  I love wearing leggings.

In fact, I probably love them a little too much.

This is such a no fuss look.  Toss on your leggings, an oversized tunic, and a scarf and you are ready!

This is a slight step up from the usual "mom uniform" which consists of yoga pants and a T-shirt.  Yep, this is my look about 90% of the time I'm at home during the week. (just keepin it real)

2.  Sweet friends.  Love my college friends.  Hate that we are spread out around the metroplex and with jobs and 11 kids between us......we don't get together as often as I'd like to.  But we never miss our annual Christmas dinner (which happened last night) and I had a great time catching up with these girls.

3.  Scripture Scarves

I was in a local boutique about 6 weeks ago looking for a gift when I stumbled on this precious scarf.  They had lots of color options and different verses on them.  I love mine!!

4.  Christmas Spirit oil

I've already professed my love for essential oils.  Every month, Young Living has a promotion when you spend a certain amount....then you get 2 free oils.  I've been wanting to try Christmas Spirit but I've spent so much lately on other oils that we actually need for issues that I haven't bought this yet.  Lucky for me, this was one of the oils in the December promo.  Oh my!!  Smells amazing!!  The great part is that it's not a synthetic fragrance (for those of you allergic to candles or synthetic scents)  It's made from pure orange, cinnamon bark and spruce.  This is probably one of my new favorites!!

5.  New dish towels.

Yep, you know you are getting old when you purchase all new dish and hand towels for the kitchen as your birthday gift to yourself.....and you are so excited to wash them and put them in the drawer.  Total dork alert!!

6.  Coconut Water for Kids

I stumbled on these several weeks ago at Target.  While my boys don't drink a ton of juice, it's nice to have these on hand for special occasions.  Plus, coconut water is a good electrolyte.

This coconut water is still my personal favorite!

Happy Friday!!!

Birthday

Today is my birthday. 

I lost my grandpa unexpectedly about 2.5 years ago. I miss him so much. I miss his wisdom and his peace. One huge thing I learned from him was to never take a birthday or a year for granted. I think back to all the years when I would call him to wish him a happy birthday. He would chuckle and say "yea, I'm turning 80 (or whatever age it was) but it's better than the alternative." I never fully grasped that until Jason died. 

Jason would have turned 43 this November. Man, I wish he was here. I know that neither of us would have complained about the number. It's just a number for goodness sake. Some people get so wrapped up in it. Oh what we would give to have the privilege of him turning 43.  43 is for SURE better than the alternative. 

So today I embrace 38. I thanked God today for the gift of being here to celebrate it. I actually look forward to 40 and 50 and so on.....because my perspective has really changed in this area. 

Remember ....it's a gift and an honor. Don't let your focus be on those numbers. 

Today I had a feast with my little at his school today. Then my mom and I had lunch and went shopping. Low key. Nothing fancy. Just how I like it. 

Being Me

When sweet boy and I went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert a few months ago.....I was really excited, not only because I love SCC, but because Laura Story was also going to be there.

After Jason died, I had a few people send me the link or words to her song Blessing.  If you haven't heard this song, Google it because it's great.  I can't tell you how many times I've listened to that song, with huge tears rolling down my face, while trying to still look at my situation as a blessing.  It's been hard.

At the concert, Laura sang her new song "I Can Just Be Me."  I immediately loved it that night because I often feel that I fail in so many areas.  And I've loved it ever since that night when I hear it on the radio.

I've mentioned already that the last two months or so have been hard and emotional for me.  Putting my situation aside though, it's been hard for me in others ways because this time of year is when families are getting together to do things, my friends are all getting super crafty with their kids......and I don't feel that I measure up.

I've struggled the last few weeks with "have I been doing enough for the boys?" or "am I creating enough fun memories for them right now?"......you know all those thoughts and questions that most of us moms ask ourselves.  And my answer has been no.

I still have a hard time explaining to other people how different I feel from 2 years ago.  The inability to juggle lots of things at once, lacking the emotional energy to invest in other things or people, no motivation to do certain things.....the list goes on.  I'm just so different than I was before.  I feel like a watered down me.  It stinks.

Last night, I sat in our bathroom after putting the boys to bed and vented and cried my eyes out to sweet boy because I feel overwhelmed with this thing called life.  But he reminded me that I'm being too hard on myself.  And that I'm a great mom.  And that I'm doing a darn good job considering all the stuff I've been through the last 2 years.

I laid in bed last night and I started thinking about this song.  I honestly felt Him telling me that I don't have to be perfect or have it all together because He does.  I can continue to be scattered and broken and half of the person I once was because He's none of those things.  And He bridges the gap for me.  Why do we have  to be so hard on ourselves?

Anyways, I wanted to share this song in case you haven't heard it.  You might be experiencing a trial right now......financial, in your marriage, issues with your kids.....or maybe just the overall burden that this time of year can bring for us.  You know, the need to be perfect all the time and be the Queen of Pinterest and post nothing but perfection on our Facebook status.

It's my prayer today that I won't fall into this trap anymore.  I need to constantly remind myself that my God is who he is.....and that allows me to just be me.

Christmas Blah

For most of my life......leading up to 2011, I always celebrated holidays and Christmas specifically with a full heart and a big smile and an overall feeling of happiness.  I knew and realized that this time of year brought great sadness for other people but I had no idea just how hard it could be for people.  While I tried to sympathize with others, I will admit that I didn't dwell on or give it a ton of thought.  I was busy living and loving and enjoying life.  Just as I should have been.

It's crazy how your perspective on life and holidays and Christmas can really change when you experience a significant loss.  Christmas is no longer 100% fun or full of joy.  It's tainted with heartache and there is an undeniable void that always lingers.  As much as you try to push that aside there is always something that brings back a memory or reminds you that he's gone.  It's never the same.  Never ever.

Just this week, I noticed:

* that watching Christmas Vacation will never be the same.  While sweet boy enjoys this movie.....he does not have the same passion for it as Jason and I did.  And he doesn't laugh at all the same spots that we did and he doesn't spend an hour after it's over reciting the funny lines from the movie.

Not bad, just different.

* Jason really got into the Elf on the Shelf tradition.  He would usually be in charge of moving Cronko because he was more of a night owl and he sort of took care of that for me.  In Shawn's defense, he's still adjusting to having kids.....let alone messing with a stupid elf.  I get it.

Not bad, just different.

*  By this point, Jason would start asking when I would be making peppermint bark and he would start talking about all the wassail he would soon consume at my parent's Christmas Eve party.  Shawn probably doesn't even know that I make peppermint bark and he's never had my mom's wassail.  In his defense it's only because he's new to the scene.  In a few years, I will probably say the same about him.

* Jason (and me too) loved to take the boys out to look at Christmas lights.....the boys in their jammies and us making a QT run so that he could get a large Mighty Mocha to drink on the ride.  Shawn isn't used to experiencing Christmas through a child's eyes and the simple act of driving to see lights falls short on his list.  

* When the boys were tiny, Jason and I would spend hours on Christmas Eve stuffing stockings and putting toys together and arranging them by the tree.  After getting it all ready, we would sit by the tree and open our stocking gifts to each other because we knew that the next morning would be crazy and all about the boys and we wanted that time just he and I.  We would giggle as he took a bite of the "cookies for Santa" and he'd take a giant sip of the milk left out.  

If I close my eyes.....I can still see his face and his expression.  I can still hear that laugh.

Will the boys remember all that?

What I hate the most is that I had 35 years of living in oblivion and knowing the simple joy of the holidays.  My boys got jipped in that area......and honestly this will be all they know.  Life without their daddy and celebrating with that taint of sadness.

I will obviously do my best to conceal my sadness and create happy new memories for them.....but I'll admit that it's harder than it seems to do that sometimes.

This morning as I was wiping the number off our countdown to Christmas plaque I realized that my heart is secretly rushing the days away.  I'm honestly ready for January.  Even though January and all the months after that will still not have Jason in them... Christmas time seems to magnify the pain.

But then as I watched these precious little boys eat their breakfast and try to find the elf (that I moved about 1 minute before they woke up because I forgot last night) I reminded myself that I owe it to them to embrace this season and to make it as fun and enjoyable as possible.

Praying that each year gets easier!

Icecation 2013

Thursday afternoon, the temps started dropping and it started sleeting.  I'm so glad I had the forethought to make a grocery run and stock up on food "just in case" because we've been iced in ever since.  

The other day, Cronko brought the boys reindeer poop.  They thought that was so funny!

On Friday, the boys wanted to head outside to play but it was completely ice.  And ice isn't as fun because you can't build a snowman or make snowballs.

Tossing the football for a bit.

Cronko didn't like the boys having all the fun in the snow so he tried to make his own snow angel. (and didn't accomplish this very well)

This morning he colored a nice picture for us.

Today the ice started melting a bit and turning slushy so we decided to get out and brave the roads.  They really were not that bad.  Cabin fever had definitely set in so it was nice to have a change of scenery for a little bit.  We ate lunch and went to the grocery store....thankfully we stocked up because I just found out that school is cancelled tomorrow.  Good times.

Cooper trying to make a snow angel.  No luck.  Pure ice.

I feel kind of guilty after seeing all my friends post all their sledding pics on Facebook.  We haven't been out that much and I haven't really pushed it.  We will be having fun in the snow in about 3 weeks from now so I've enjoyed being cozy and lazy inside.

This afternoon, we came back inside and started making cookies.  Sort of a "cook-off" between sweet boy and myself.  Him making chocolate chip and me making oatmeal.

I had to bite my tongue in so many ways......with him not measuring correctly and doing things waaaaay different than I do.  But, we had fun anyways. :)  Look how he arranges the cookie on the cookie sheets?  Ugh, my OCD almost can't handle it!

Feeling Tested

I want to first mention that this blog initially started out as a way for me to document about our lives.  It gave grandparents a way to check in on the boys and a place for me to write down the funny stories so that I didn't forget.  After Jason died, this blog obviously became an outlet for me to journal about this grief journey.  Unfortunately, my boys and spouse and parents and friends sometimes get pulled in too because I tell stories or mention them from time to time.  While most of the time it's no big deal.....sometimes there are parts of life that I don't mention because some things should be kept private.  For that reason, I'm going to be somewhat vague in my sharing today.  I think/hope I can still get my point across without airing all the dirty laundry.

Before Shawn and I got married, we started praying about our lives.  About our future together.  We asked for God's will in every part of it.  We have both learned from previous trials in life that when you surrender it all to God.....you just can't go wrong.  I fully believe that when you do this, God opens and closes doors so that there is no mistake on which path to take.  (although sometimes I do feel that people can take the wrong path because they follow the desires of their heart and not God's)  Obviously, the path taken is our decision.

In one particular area of our life, we started seeing God's work and things were falling into place.  Looking back, I feel that we were very obedient in listening to His calling.  Fast forward about 9-10 months and we are miserable in that area.  (I know I'm being vague here.  I'm sorry.  But just to ease your mind.....we are great with each other.  As in, there are no marital problems between us.  Oh, and we are NOT trying to get pregnant)

We are feeling extremely tested right now.  And we are frustrated too.  The last few weeks we have talked to each other and expressed our frustrations and are left questioning and wondering why things happen the way they do sometimes?  I know that God doesn't promise a perfect life but when you ask for His will and you follow what you feel are His prompts......and you still end up unhappy and unsettled then it can be quite frustrating.

I'll be honest.  I've had a few conversations with God and I've expressed my frustrations to Him.  (over the years my faith has grown enough to understand that all my talks with God don't have to be uplifting and full of praise.  He wants to know my hurt too)  I've asked Him why?  I've asked Him what exactly is it that He's trying to teach us right now? Have I not learned enough the last 2 years?  Even though I know that Jason's death doesn't give me immunity from trials or pain......come on God.....can't you cut this girl some slack?

Today I find myself in the thick of this trial.  And the hard part is that we don't see an answer just yet.  And the really stinky part is that this seems to be spilling over into other areas of life and making life just blah right now.

The last few weeks, I've been pondering the verse in Romans- "Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope.  And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit whom he has given us."

I don't know about you, but sometimes it's hard to rejoice in my sufferings.  And sometimes it's hard when we are praying but we feel that God isn't revealing.  Anyone else been there?  All I know is that God must really want me to be woman of character.....the last 2 years have been full of opportunities for me to grow in this area. :/

I appreciate prayers on our behalf right now.  I know you don't have specifics but God knows the details.  And he knows the outcome.....and I have to cling to that and remind myself that this entire situation is in His hands.

Thanksgiving Break

Last Tuesday, the boys and I headed over to Cece's house to see them for a bit.  Hannah (pictured) and Maya are the boys' aunts.  We don't get to see them as much as we would like but they always love spending time with them when we get the chance.  (Jason's dad remarried and had 2 girls later in life so this is the reason for the age difference)  Hannah will be going to the University of Arkansas in January and we are so excited for her!!

On Wednesday, we headed north about 6 hours.....into the heart of Oklahoma (aka: the middle of nowhere) to spend time with Shawn's family.  It was nice and relaxing.

Shawn's sister and her family.

Shawn's mom and sister.

I honestly don't know how I got so lucky to have 2 awesome families to join.  Both Jason and Shawn's families are so sweet and welcoming.  I feel so lucky when I hear people telling horror stories about their in-laws.

Shawn and his dad.

With his mamaw- she's 92!

The kids table at lunch.  They were ready to eat!

We decided to come back on Saturday so that the traffic wouldn't be as bad and so we would have a day to unwind here at home before starting back to reality.  We did get stuck in some traffic once we got into the DFW metroplex.....but this pretty sunset made it more bearable!

*****************************************

Last weekend when we were getting our Christmas stuff out, I put this frame in Hudson' room.  He immediately got quiet and told me that he didn't want it in there.  I moved it to the living room.

I put this one in Cooper's room and it stayed there until last night.........when he came out of his room after being tucked into bed for the night.....with huge tears rolling down his cheeks.  It, too....got moved to the living room.

I never know what the boys will need or how they will respond to things.  I want to represent Jason without making us sad or shadowing over our life now but that is a hard balance sometimes.  Seeing pictures like this of happier times makes all of us so sad.  Is he really never coming back?

Last night was a bit of a disaster trying to get everyone settled from the week off.  The boys were used to staying up late and sleeping together.  We had no routine last week (which was nice) but they resisted the earlier bedtime and sleeping alone in their own rooms last night. Both of them got up multiple times after being tucked in and both were in tears for different reasons.  I know they are tired.....which doesn't help the weepy situation.  I hope we can get back into our swing for the next 3 weeks and make it until Christmas break rolls around.  

Plus, we only have.........

And this little guy came back to visit us! :)