Two Roads

The boys and I got away this weekend. Took a little road trip with my mom out to DeLeon, where my cousin has 26 acres. It's out in the middle of nowhere and is a very peaceful place. The boys love it there- they have horses, a tank, a workshop with lots of tools and gadgets, a go cart, a golf cart and lots of neat things that excite little boys. They were able to ride a horse, play outside all day, and do lots of things that we don't get to normally do here at home. It was definitely good for them. And good for me too. I was fortunate enough that my mom and aunt spent a lot of time with them so that I could have some down time. I was able to read from a book I'm reading right now. I had some quiet time with God. I was able to lay in bed and just rest. I took a long walk one day. The scenery was extremely peaceful and so good for my soul. I was walking up this road and this scene just stood out with me. I was listening to my music and stopped in order to take a picture. It made me think about my journey.....my walk so far in this grieving process and this picture reminded me of the choices I can make while on this walk. I see it sort of like this: I'm walking down this road, coming out of the fog/shock stage that happens in the beginning. I am nearing a dead end. I can only go right or left. To the left, I see a road of sadness and bitterness. To the right, I see the road of hope and joy. Which way do I go? I immediately envision myself making a sharp turn to the right........hoping to avoid bitterness altogether. In my real life, I've already turned towards the right and am well on my way. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes stop and turn my head and look back at the left. Those are the days when I struggle or when Satan really works his way inside my head. But I continue to pray and ask God to hold my hand as we walk down the road together. I'm so thankful that I've got a choice in this process and that I'm choosing hope. God has placed that on my heart and for that I'm grateful.

Today was Jason's birthday. I woke up this morning and could not control the tears. It was probably good because I'd had several good days and a couple of days with very little sadness. I think the tears had been building up and today was the day when everything seemed to release. I had such a mixture of emotions....like I often do. I was fortunate enough to have a therapy session this morning. I've really come to look forward to them. I feel so much better after going. I was telling her that I was sad about never getting to spend another birthday with Jason. She told me to instead be thankful for the birthdays we DID get to share together instead of focusing on the ones we won't share. The light bulb really came on for me when she said that. Once again I'm left with the choice of turning left or right on this road of grief. So today, I chose to be thankful for the ones we did have.

During our session, she asked me to tell her something funny about Jason. I did and managed to bust out laughing while the tears were pouring down my cheeks. It felt good. She encouraged me to text everyone that was planning to attend his birthday dinner and ask them to also think about a funny story. We were all able to share those stories tonight and I must say, the laughter felt good. I didn't feel guilty for laughing or for feeling content at that moment. I feel that's a benefit of being on the road of hope.

Before dinner, we all met and wrote messages on balloons so that the kids could send a message to daddy in heaven. I think it was a good visual for my boys. They had questions like "are you sure it will make it up to heaven?" and "do you really think daddy will get it?" It was good for all of us. I think it's something that we will do each year.

So, as I type this post tonight I realize that once again I've made it another day and survived another holiday without him. This is creating a peace inside of me towards Thanksgiving. I know it will be hard but because of Him, I'll make it.

Today is a New Day

When Hudson was younger I remember there was a time period when he went through that "stinker" stage. You know, the good old 3's? He had a run where he'd get into trouble at preschool and he always knew that it meant a serious talk with mom later that day. At bedtime, I would tuck him and tell him that I loved him and was proud of him and that tomorrow was a brand new day. I wanted him to know that he got to start over....got a clean slate each day. How little did I know that those very words I spoke to my son were the words I would later be telling myself. Thank you Lord that tomorrow is a brand new day!

Even though today is only half way through, I can tell you that it's already better than yesterday. Of course I've had my sad moments and the tears have definitely been shed but my overall outlook on life is brighter. I know that there will continue to be days like yesterday sprinkled in here and there but I really want to focus and highlight the days like today- when I feel hopeful and thankful and loved. Because today I do feel that way.

I had a session with my therapist this morning. I mentioned my "feeling judged" concerns and she immediately said "why do you care what other people think?" She's right. But it's because I'm a pleaser and I want people to be proud of me. She reinforced what I wrote about how I can only make decisions based on what's best for ME and that no one has walked in my shoes so they shouldn't be judging anyways. Today I'm thankful to have someone to talk to that's been down a similar road.

Hard Day

This has probably been the most emotional day in quite some time. It started off pretty good.....got some new running shoes yesterday and went for a brisk walk around the neighborhood. I was feeling good. I got ready and then went to the boys' school because Cooper had his Thanksgiving Feast. I guess I was more focused on going there for him and didn't really prepare myself for the parents I would see. Right after Jason died, the class took a collection and sent some money in a card for us. I was blown away by the generosity. I got to his classroom and instantly a mom introduced herself. Once I said my name, she immediately gave me a sad look and told me that she was sorry for my loss. This is the first time this has happened. I've either been surrounded by those that already knew or complete strangers that had no clue. While I appreciated her sincerity, my eyes immediately filled with tears and I fought the urge to bawl right there. I was in a fog the rest of the time and felt like everyone was watching my every move. Probably not, but just how I felt. I resisted the urge to watch all the dads film their child and smile as they watched them in class. It took everything in me to stay.

We had no dinner plans tonight and Cooper was asking for pizza so I called in Mr. Jims. Only the 2nd time since Jason died. I picked it up and brought it home. I'm not sure if the pizza sparked something in all of us but at one point all 3 of us were crying at the table. I've mentioned how great it is that kids are easily distracted. At one point, Cooper changed the subject and he and Hudson were discussing something other than their dad. I was already in the funk and I just sat there and cried. Pretty sad when your 8 year old has to tell you that everything will be okay. Cooper ended dinner with the comment "I sure wish all our family and friends could die so we could all go to heaven." I second that, sweet boy.

Today I wanted to stomp up and down like a spoiled brat and yell "This. Is. Not. Fair" at the top of my lungs. Because it isn't. I'm so mad today that I've been forced down this road. I just want my simple life back. Why me? I don't want this life. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this alone. I just don't wanna.

Another young guy that lost his wife a couple weeks before Jason died has also been writing on his blog to document his feelings. We've corresponded a little via facebook and will occasionally send a word of encouragement to each other. He's currently in Hawaii, by himself.......mourning without distractions. I wonder if that's something I need to do? Not sure that I need to go as far as Hawaii to do that but I'm feeling the need to just "be" and being at home makes that hard- even when the boys are at school. I'm praying that I'll know when and where I need to go in order to have some time for myself.

That's it for now. The other ugly side of grief....the days when it's nearly impossible to talk to God because I have nothing to say. All I can do is pray that tomorrow is a better day for me. It has to be.........

Feeling Judged

I mentioned early on that I felt like I was under a microscope. I know it's because people honestly care and worry about me but either way- I'm being watched. This is new and uncomfortable but also brings with it the reminder that I'm so blessed to have family and friends that care enough to watch. Kind of a double edged sword.

Unfortunately, there are no rule books with grief. There are no guidelines or systems to follow because each journey is unique. This morning I was thinking about how grief is like a fingerprint....no two are the same. I find myself questioning and second guessing lots of decisions that I'm making. In the end, I realize that there really is no definite answer. I must pray and ultimately make decisions that are best for me.

I've recently decided to stop wearing my wedding ring. Six weeks sounds like an awfully short amount of time. I'm pretty sure I would have thought the same thing in the past if I saw someone remove their ring after that short time. You know what? Wearing it brings me pain. Let me say first that I adore my ring. Jason allowed me to be a part of the process of designing it with him. Once we had the band figured out, I told him that I wanted a round stone and that it was up to him to choose that. I was never the kind of girl that insisted on a certain carat size. I would have been happy with whatever he gave me. He chose a beautiful round stone and the minute he proposed to me I was in awe of my ring. Still am to this day. I told him several times throughout our marriage that I never wanted him to "upgrade" my ring or center stone in any way. I was just as happy with it as the first day he placed it on my finger. So one side of me is incredibly sad to not wear it. I love it and the marriage it represents. On the other side though it hurts me to know that that chapter of my life is over. Every time I looked at my hand, twirled it around or received a compliment about it........it took my breath away. It caused anxiety. I decided to not wear it one day and a huge weight was lifted from me. Do I miss it? Of course I do. I miss my pre Oct 5 life. But the reality is, I'll never have that back. So, I'm learning that I have to do what is best for me and my healing. For now, it's not on my hand and I have to be okay with that.

Tonight I changed my Facebook status to "widowed." I sat and stared at that for quite some time. It felt really weird and wrong. It's one thing to say it and live it but to see it written is another. I had a friend warn me that the first time she had to check "widowed" on a form that it really hurt her. In some ways I think maybe I was trying to deal with that before I found myself in a public situation where I'm forced to check that box.

All of these situations make me feel that others will judge me. Even though I haven't done anything wrong, I continue to question if these moves were made too soon? Again, there isn't a handbook to refer to. I feel like I'm walking in a pitch black room with my hands stretched out in front of me. I'm feeling my way around and have no idea what is up ahead. I do know that God is the light I'm seeking and I pray that decisions made will glorify Him in some way. I need to remind myself of that when I'm hard on myself or start to feel that others judge me. In the end, His opinion is the only one that matters.

Grief

Hard to believe it's already mid November. On one side I'm thankful that the fall and holiday season are passing by so fast but then I realize that this basically is like wishing my life away. Not exactly.....just kind of wish I could click my heals and be in January. The anticipation to next week is beginning to build for me. His birthday is next Tuesday and then Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Jason always loved Thanksgiving and all the food. Our family has decided to do something different this year. I think we plan to do the brunch at Gaylord and then walk through the ICE exhibit. Not a single person can imagine sitting at his mom's house and feeling the void. So, we are choosing to do something new.

I went to my first counseling session last Thursday. I really like her. She lost her husband about 15 years ago so understands much of what I feel. Her boys were older though (20 and 22, I think ) so she did mention that I don't have the luxury to grieve full time like she did that first year. I think kids are a huge blessing in times like this even though she's right- some days I'd love nothing more than to just stay in bed for the next 2 months. She asked me a lot of questions about Jason's death and focused a lot on the 24 hours surrounding it. Those are hard memories to share. The exact reason I haven't documented that on here yet. I am going again this Thursday. I can't really say that I'm excited about it but I do think I'll feel better after I've been going for a while. I tend to keep things inside and this will force me to talk and dig deep.

I got a sweet letter from a family member today. She was married to my great uncle and once he passed away, we sort of lost touch. We reconnected a while back on Facebook so she learned of Jason's death right away. She sent me a touching letter- basically describing so much of what I'm feeling. Even though his death was not unexpected and happened a little later in life (she was 53) she still managed to put into words much of how I feel. She pointed out that once everyone returns to normal life that it's then that the real grieving starts. It's the full realization that you will never hear their voice, see their face or feel their presence. While I feel that reality is already setting in with me, she does mention that God gives us the gift of "shock" so that we are able to function the first weeks after the death. Has the shock worn off yet? I think so but how do I know? Will I suddenly get slapped in the face with the harsh reality sometime later down the road? I pray not.

It's weird how it's often the little unexpected things that cause a flood of emotion in me. The other day, I made a quick trip to the grocery store. I was in the coffee section and decided to buy the smaller can of coffee since it's just me now. Can't explain why that hurt me but I immediately started crying. I have that happen often and it comes without warning.

The boys continue to do fairly well......with the exception of just being more emotional. They sometimes go a day or so without mentioning him and I'm still so unsure of how to handle that. Tonight, they were especially missing his presence since both of them mentioned him at bed time. It was hard to fight back the tears myself since I'm also feeling the void this evening.

Today was a beautiful day so I decided to go for a walk. I listened to my ipod and made several laps around the neighborhood. The fresh air was good for me. While walking, I realized that I kept focus mostly on the ground. I've kind of inherited this habit the last 6 weeks. Mostly to avoid eye contact but also to avoid witnessing life around me. Selfishly, I will admit that seeing others continue to move forward hurts me, even though I know it's normal. Seeing families and dad's with their kids crushes my heart. While walking today, I thought about a saying I read the other day: You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down. It hit me that I just might miss out on the good if I continue to look down. I finished my walk looking up and finding things to be thankful for all around me. Some days those blessings are easier to find and other days I have to search for them. Grief is a crazy thing but I'm trying to get better at looking up.

A day of hope

This morning is the first morning that I've started reading. I was given a book- The One Year Book of Hope- by a sweet friend shortly after Jason died. I mentioned that I've been given some great resources on grief but the whole idea of sitting down and trying to make sense of my pain just seemed to overwhelm me. I've struggled to see past myself and my grief these last 5 weeks and the idea that some book could help me come to terms with my pain seemed ridiculous to me. Today it felt right. I scanned the book choices and decided on this one for now. Will I read them all? Yes. But for today, I start here.

Let my cry come right into your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word. Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise. Let praise cascade off my lips; after all, you've taught me the truth about life! And let your promises ring from my tongue; every order you've given is right. Put your hand out and steady me since I've chosen to live by your counsel. I'm homesick, God, for your salvation; I love it when you show yourself! Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well, use your decrees to put iron in my soul. And should I wander off like a lost sheep - seek me! I'll recognize the sound of your voice. - Psalm 119: 169-176 (the message)

Honestly, I think the title of the book is what drew me in. A book about hope. I will tell you friends that hope is one thing I didn't have those first few weeks. I was so devastated by the sudden loss that I'm not sure I even wanted it. I would often lay in bed at night and just pray that somehow, God would come and take the boys and me.....in a flash, just like he took Jason. I didn't want to be here alone, on this Earth raising these boys by myself. Unfortunately, I don't think that's God's will for my life. For some reason that I still don't understand, I was meant to continue this journey on Earth without him. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Is it frustrating? Of course. But thankfully over the last several days God has started planting seeds of hope in my heart. Even though this was not in my plan, it has always been in His.

"I weep with grief; encourage me by your words. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws."

Nov 4

I have people tell me a lot that I'm strong. Not really sure how to respond to that. I even sort of laugh to myself and think "boy, they don't see some of my hard moments." I definitely have times that Satan tries to get inside my head and put doubt and fear in there. It's a battle. Ongoing. He's always there but it seems that he strikes harder when he knows you are down. He wants to create bitterness, anger, never ending sadness...... I won't allow it. I can't allow it.

A friend from church sent me a small cross that was given to her when her husband died. It sits on my nightstand and every night it goes into the palm of my hand as I pray. Sometimes I feel like I pray for the same things. I often feel that I don't even have the words or know what to ask. Sometimes I just pray that God can listen to my heart and know what I need. I recently read a quote from Mother Teresa that said: I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. I think about this quote quite a bit and I know that God knew that somehow I could handle this. I question that every single day- can I handle this? But God knows that I can or he wouldn't have included that in my plan.

The other morning, Hudson was in his room getting dressed for school. I overheard him singing "I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul......." It was really sweet and happened to be just what I needed at that moment. Quite often, little things like that happen to me- I'll get a text from a friend at just the right time, someone will say just the words when my heart needs to hear it, or I'll get a sweet hug or I love you from one of the boys. I cherish those little gifts.

Yesterday, I got rid of Jason's car. On one hand, I've kind of gotten used to it just sitting here. But I mentioned the other day that there have been a few times that I've rounded the corner and for a split second thought he was home. I thought it would be harder for me than it was to let it go. Maybe there was a part of me that was relieved to have it gone. One less reminder that he's not here.

On Wednesday, I got my hair cut. I have been growing it out for some time now in order to donate it to Locks of Love. It was a bittersweet day..... Jason would often ask me how much longer I needed to let it grow and he'd get the measuring tape out and measure it for me. I am sad that he wasn't here to see me but I felt that he was with me and was proud of me that day. It's crazy short- actually shorter than I was hoping it would be but I've been losing a lot of hair this past month so I really needed to go ahead and do it. In the end, it's just hair and it will grow back.

Today I miss little things like hearing the garage door open, seeing 2 towels hanging on the shower, and getting a phone call from him at lunch to just quickly tell me he loves me. Simple things that I took for granted. But today I am thankful for all the love I've been given this last month. I said very early on that Jason had no idea how much he was loved. Fortunately, now I do know how much I'm loved. I have been loved on more this last month that I'd ever dream possible. It has blown me away at just how blessed I am with amazing friends and family.