another day

Shock is wearing off. Reality is setting in. Ugh, not ready for the stages of grief that are headed my way. Someone told me today that I'd soon be entering the mad stage. I've had bouts of questioning- wondering why God didn't answer my plea- but I can honestly say that I'm not mad. Not yet anyways. I really pray that I never get there. I don't want bitterness in my heart.

Every day since Jason died we have had a list a mile long of things to do. Today was no different. I look forward to the weekend, when I can't make phone calls or take care of "business." I really need a day to just be. I've been fortunate to have an amazing support system and people like my sister to take charge and make phone calls or do things that I haven't had the energy to do.

We've had so many people offer to bring us meals. What a lifesaver! Last night we didn't have anyone signed up to come so mom and I decide to order a pizza. Jason and I have always ordered from Mr. Jims. We live really close to one and for the last 11 years, Jason and I have been pretty regular customers. We don't eat out a ton but we would often let Friday nights be a night off in the kitchen for me and just enjoy a pizza. Most of the time, Jason would call it in on his way home and pick it up before he got here. This particular Mr. Jims is owned (or managed) by a really nice guy named Todd. Probably about the same age as Jason. They would talk and shoot the breeze and pretty much every time he would come home with pizza he would tell me that Todd would say "hey Jason" and they would talk. This always made Jason feel good that they recognized him and knew him by name. So, I called in the pizza and went to the drive-thru to pick it up. They came to the window and handed me the pizza. I handed him some cash but the guy wouldn't take it. He said "its the least we could do." I noticed Todd standing behind him and these guys stared at me with such sadness. They knew about Jason's death. Such a small gesture but it really touched me. Once again showing me how Jason touched so many people even in the smallest of situations.

I didn't sleep well last night. I had all kinds of weird and crazy dreams. Today I'm exhausted. I had zero appetite this morning and all day I've dreaded the call from the funeral home. Mom and I made a run to the grocery store and ran a few errands and then made the dreaded trip. I filled out a few forms and then was handed a reusable shopping bag. Inside, were the keepsake urns and the ashes. I couldn't even reach my hand out to grab the bag. My mom carried it for me and we walked in complete silence back to the car. So hard to realize that my 6 foot husband was inside that bag. So surreal. And so unfair.

I've had several people tell me that they were so touched by Jason's service. These people have sent me private messages just telling me that they were inspired to be better because of him. That makes my heart so happy. At least I don't feel that this was for nothing. The other day I had someone say something like "why couldn't God have taken a deadbeat dad or someone that abused his wife instead of taking an amazing person like Jason?" My response was "because very few people would have cared and lives would not have been changed." I have to tell myself that good will somehow come from this.

I've seen God's hand all over our family in regards to this situation.......even long before Jason's death.

• This time last fall, we put our house on the market. Jason was working far and had a really long commute. He was getting home late and our family time was suffering because of it. We didn't really want to move but thought we should at least try to get closer. We listed our house, had tons of showings, lots of great feedback but no offers. We decided to pull it off the market around the holidays so that we could enjoy ourselves and not worry about the condition of the house all the time. We said we would relist it in February or so. In the spring, Jason got a new job......one that is 7 miles from our house. At the time we were so thankful our house never sold. I'm SOOO thankful it didn't sell because this is the only house we've had together and we've created a life here. We have good neighbors, a church home, a wonderful school for the kids. All of those things would have changed if we had moved. God watched over our family and made sure we stayed put. He was protecting me.



• About a month ago, Jason decided he was ready for a new car. He was ready to trade in the 10 year old Accord and get something newer. We found "the car of his dreams" and went to Dallas to look at it. He fell in love immediately and we bought it that day. It had been a lease car and they had just gotten it the day before. It needed to be detailed and had a few scratches on the outside that they were willing to fix for us. They allowed us to take the car home over the weekend and we planned to drop it off on Monday for a day or two so that they could make it brand new for us. We drove the car back on Monday and on our way there I noticed that the inspection sticker was going to expire in about 2 weeks. Jason asked them if they could take care of it, which they happily agreed to. On Tues, Jason got a call that the car didn't pass inspection and there were some pretty big electrical issues. We talked about it and ultimately he didn't feel good about it so we backed out of making the purchase final. We decided we'd keep looking until we found another just like it. Wow, God was protecting me that day. Both of our cars are currently paid for. If we had bought this car, I would have been stuck with a huge car payment and a painful reminder of a car he had dreamed of for a long time that he never got the chance to enjoy. Thank you Lord for that protection.



• In the early summer, I was wanting to plan another vacation for our family. We had taken the boys to San Diego back in March for their birthdays and had a blast at Legoland, the San Diego Zoo and California in general. I knew since we had just done a big trip that Jason probably wouldn't be up for us doing anything during the summer. I got online and starting looking at a cruise in December. I proposed the idea and he thought it sounded good but needed to check with work first. He came home the next day or so and told me that work was discouraging people from taking vacation during Nov and Dec because of tax season. He said "let's plan something before school starts back for the boys." I got online and started looking for places we could go at the last minute, a place that was within driving distance, and somewhere we had never been before. I decided on Gulf Shores- we had a blast at the beach and even stayed at a campsite one night. It was a wonderful trip........our last family trip. So thankful that God orchestrated that for us. Lots of amazing memories were made that week.

I'm avoiding the closet. When I absolutely have to go in there, I sort of set my eyes towards the left and look directly at my things. I can't bear to see all his shirts hanging up and all the things that were placed there by him. On the floor is the white bag from the hospital that contains the last set of clothes he ever wore. I guess I'll know when I'm ready to go in there and face all that.

The boys are continuing to do well. Cooper seems to be much more emotional than he normally is but they haven't had any huge cry sessions over the death in the last few days. I tend to analyze this. Is it because we've kept them so busy? Is it because they still don't fully get it? Probably a little of both. I'm so scared that the boys will forget him. Especially Cooper. He's 5.5 and it breaks my heart to think he might not ever remember his dad. I'm going to try my best to keep his memory alive. We talk about him every single day and always will.

I booked an appointment for Dec for us to attend an orientation at a nearby grief center. They have evening therapy session for families (kids attend one while parents attend another) and I've heard great things about this place. While I can't say I'm excited about it, I can say that I'm happy to get the boys into something so that I make sure they are coping and that I'm helping them heal.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27

So thankful for sweet friends that send me verses when I don't have the strength to search.