Mom 2 Hudson and Cooper

You'll Never....

2012-02-09T18:48:00.002-06:00

hear Cooper read

give girl advice to the boys

witness a graduation

see our boys get married

become a grandpa

enjoy retirement

...... and that makes me very sad.

On the flip side of that, you'll never:

catch a cold

get your feelings hurt

battle cancer

stress about money

feel disappointed

know the pain of losing a spouse

...... and for that I'm grateful.

The Lasts

2012-02-07T19:38:00.005-06:00

I've mentioned before that the "firsts" have been incredibly hard. Lately, the "lasts" are proving to be equally as hard. Every day I'm moving further and further from the last time I saw him.

The other night I was using the last of the bubble bath he bought me for Mother's Day. Kind of sounds cheesy but as I poured the last bit into the running water, I got really emotional.

The other day, I used my last pedicure gift certificate he gave me this summer. He had gotten really good about buying gift certificates for me so that I'd force myself to go and make time for myself. I got sad as I handed her the paper and realized I'd never get another from him.

Thinking about the last family outing we had. We took the boys to the State Fair that Sunday, just 3 days before he died. We spent an outrageous amount of money that day on food and rides and tickets. Strangely, Jason didn't mind. He was typically pretty frugal when it came to money. That day he bought the boys everything they asked for and even spent a ton on one game in particular so that the boys could each get an Angry Birds stuffed animal......the last toy their daddy would give them. I'm so glad we had a fun day together. I wish so much that I would have taken some pictures. Why didn't I do that?

The last picture we took as a family....(Sept 2011)

... a couple of weeks before he died. We took the boys to the Ranger game. Some time during the game, he took Cooper walking around because he was getting antsy. He came back with a Ranger shirt for me because I didn't have one to wear that day. It's hanging in my closet, tags still attached. It will for sure be bittersweet next season when I pull it out. More than likely the last little gift he gave me.

All of these things are just a reminder that any day can be our last. We need to cherish every memory, every event, every day that we get to spend together. I'm constantly trying to remember this so that I don't take a single day for granted.

Room for Both

2012-02-06T07:57:00.007-06:00

A couple of weeks ago, I had someone make a comment to me (in a really sincere voice and with a sensitive heart) : "I'm so glad that you are still young and will be able to remarry one day."

While I know this comment was heartfelt and came from a good place, it really hurt. Are we able to just replace our loved ones that easily? I felt like commenting back, "well, if you lose a child then you can just go on to have another." Can we ever fully fill the void that is left behind when a person dies?

I would venture to say yes and no. While you can't ever replace that person, you can more than likely find joy again that makes that void less noticeable. It doesn't mean you can't love another spouse or love another child..........it will just always be different.

I remember talking to my counselor several weeks ago about this topic. She explained it to me like this:

There is a mom that has a child, her first born. She is so madly in love

with this child. Her heart is full. She can't imagine ever loving something this much. Down the road, she goes on to get pregnant and is about to have another child. She wonders if she will be able to love this child as much as the first. She doesn't know that it's possible. She has her second baby and....... somehow there is room in her heart for this new baby. It doesn't change the love for the first, but it is an equal amount of love. There is room for both.

I love this analogy. This can be applied to those that have lost a child or even a spouse. There will always be room for both. Sometimes we can't imagine that it's possible but God somehow allows this to happen. I am hopeful and thankful for this reality. Jason will always be a huge part of me and will occupy an enormous amount of my heart.

St. Thomas 2009

No Idea

2012-01-31T21:03:00.005-06:00

Got a sweet message from a friend tonight. She is a nurse at the hospital where Jason died. Her message basically told me that the other day she was sitting with a cardiologist and another guy that does echo cardiograms. Both of the guys started talking about Jason. They knew his name and knew his story even though neither had met him or worked on him that day. She said they talked very highly of him. These men didn't realize that Kelli knew him. She was able to tell them a little about him- that he had 2 amazing boys and a wife that miss him. They were so touched by his story and by all the things the surgeon and other doctors shared with them. They heard he was very kind and a real "stand up" guy. The cardiologist emphasized that the heart surgeon did absolutely everything he could do for him that day. She wanted me to hear this from another doctor's point of view.

My first thought was "wow." I was so thankful that she shared this information with me. It's just another little gift that I can give my boys one day. One piece of the puzzle that depicts how great he was. In all honesty, this actually didn't surprise me. He really was that great of a man.

We had no idea that day that others would watch how we handled this situation.

We had no idea that Jason's bravery would influence others around him.

We had no idea that lives would change.

I have to wonder if doctors watched us pray together. Did they notice him stroke my face and hold my hand as he told me he loved me and that we would be okay? Was Jason's ability to stay brave and calm during a horrific situation like this something rare and something foreign to them? Were they touched by his amazing smile that he gave every person that prepped him for surgery, even though he was in pain the entire time? I have to believe yes.

Doctors and staff were moved that day. They were inspired and influenced by a wonderful husband and father that lived 40 short years on this Earth. Just the way he carried himself in that emergency room gave those men and women a small glance at the great person he was. It's obvious that Jason made a huge impression that day ......or they would not be talking about him 4 months later. We had no idea that medical staff would be in awe over a waiting room that was often busting at the seams.....full of people huddled together in prayer.

This touches my heart and fills me up inside to know that people have not forgotten. I'm so proud that I was his wife and so thankful that I was by his side, during the last hours of his life.

Going from "we" to "me"

2012-01-30T07:54:00.005-06:00

Over the last few weeks, I've noticed myself saying "we" instead of "me" while having conversations with people. Obviously this is just automatic for me since I've been a part of "we"

for so many years now. I'm not sure exactly what made me even notice it but once I did, it started to bother me. I would hear myself say "we" when discussing something about my life or my house. Some times I would quickly correct myself and say "me" instead. So why does this bother me?

"We" is all I've known since I was 23 years old. I've been a part of a team for almost 13 years. I've jointly made decisions and taken someone elses opinion or needs into account with every decision I've made. Being a part of "we" brings security because you know that someone always has your back. "Me" is a very lonely place to be. For me anyways.

Some people thrive on freedom and independence. They love being single and making sole decisions for themselves. Not me. I love knowing I have someone to bounce ideas off of and love having a partner in every step of life. God wired me to be a "we" and I really miss it.

These boys make me so incredibly proud. I wish more than anything that I could still say "we are so proud of our boys." .........because we were and I still am.

It's Just "stuff"

2012-01-26T13:19:00.004-06:00

I'm sure you've heard the phrase, "you can't take it with you when you're gone."

How true is that?

Throughout our entire married life, Jason and I maintained a pretty simple life. We have a modest home, we drive modest cars, we live within our means. I can't tell you how thankful I am for that at this very moment. It makes going on without him that much easier. We have known people over the years that have done whatever it takes to keep up with others. They have gone into debt to have the latest and greatest things. They have worked themselves ragged in order to afford the best of the best. Not us. We did whatever we needed to do so that I could stay home to raise our boys and to live a simple life. We rarely had the desire to want more. Looking back, I wonder if God was whispering to us, "it's just stuff."

Quite honestly, Jason didn't leave much behind. Of course he had clothes and some personal belongings from growing up but for the most part........ he didn't really leave much. There are no big "toys" for me to mess with (boats, etc....) and there is no huge house for me to maintain without him. Even the things that are left behind are simple and unimportant now. He sure isn't missing them.

I'm very thankful that we were on the same page financially. I'm thankful that he chose family over climbing the big corporate ladder. I'm thankful that we realized that time together was way more important than "things." Now that I've experienced this loss, it puts even more of an emphasis on this very phrase, "you can't take it with you when you're gone." In the end, it's something we all know to be true but to actually live it is another thing. So, so thankful that we did.

Everyday Comfort

2012-01-20T08:56:00.003-06:00

I woke up this morning so very thankful for this day. Thankful that I don't have work or have any important meetings or errands to run. Today is a day for me to just be. I manage to fill my weekly schedule up with preschool, lunch with friends, errands to run........and very little time during the day to just sit and reflect. I do get this time at night, when the boys are in bed, but I'm usually so tired at that point that very little self reflection or quiet time takes place. So, this morning I decided that I would spend some time reading.

I looked through my nightstand and sifted through some books that are waiting to be read. I came across a book called Everyday Comfort by Randy Becton. I have no idea who gave me this book.......I was given/sent so many books on grief right after Jason died and that time was such a blur for me. I opened it and started reading the preface and there were lots of things that stood out to me. I'll share some here:

....Life does go on. Death is not reversible. People who have lost loved ones experience the wrenching pain between knowing one reality but desperately craving another reality. To know what is real does not mean to like it or even to be prepared at this moment to accept it.

....Your grief is a bridge between your loss (the now) and the direction in which you grow (the future)

....God will help you do the work of grieving and he will help you know when to stop. This will occur in His good time. The permanent room in your heart for this sweet sadness will be filled appropriately. Do not worry; you will never forget. When the time comes- and no one knows this timetable- you will be given strength to resume the gift of life but will feel no betrayal or disservice to the memory of your dear loved one.

....You will grow sad during events when you would normally be side by side. You will always have occasions when you think, "My spouse would have loved this." This sadness is natural, normal, and healthy. You may cry whenever you want to. Don't let anyone, even a friend, make you feel guilty. You must not concern yourself with pleasing others. Do what you need to do, not what anyone, no matter how close, expects you to do.

....Remember, the one you lost wants you to love, laugh, serve, cry, and fully participate in life. That person who trusted you is present in your memory and trusts you still. Your happiness was his goal. Remember.

....Your loved one wants you to live fully right now, burdened by no regrets about his death. Remember, he loved you, so honor him by living with meaning, not weighted down in regrets.

I'm so thankful for these words today. They are such a comfort during this period of loss and grieving. I need these constant reminders that life does still go on and that there is nothing I can do to change where I'm at. I can only focus on moving forward in a healthy and positive way. I continue to tell myself that Jason would not want or expect me to be consumed with sadness or guilt. I need to give myself permission to let these things go.......

First day of school- Aug 2011

For the boys

2012-01-19T20:43:00.008-06:00

I've said it before but I'll say it again: such a huge part of my grief and sadness is for my boys. Of course, there are personal bouts of loss and sadness for myself but with that also comes the peace and understanding of heaven. That is a concept my boys can't fully wrap their minds around.......therefore, they are left without the full peace that I have. I feel confident they will understand that one day when they are older. For now, I find myself in the mix of all the questions and it seems that my answers are inadequate. They just want their dad.

I hate that this is their story. I hate that for the rest of their lives they will tell people that their dad died when they were 5 and 8. I hate to think of all the things they missed out on and the amazing things Jason planned to teach them and share with them. I hate that no one will ever love them like he did.

In the past, Jason has participated in the Watchdog program at school. Hudson was always so excited and proud when his daddy did this for the day. I remember last year, Jason explained to Cooper that once he started kindergarten he would get a chance to see him do this since the boys would be at the same school. Unfortunately, he never got the chance. The Watchdog program started up for the year right around the time Jason died. The boys came home pretty upset that dads were starting to spend the day at school and they were very sad that they no longer had a dad to do it. Thankfully, they have a Papa that has agreed to fill in next week. I know they will be excited to have him there.........but still it's sad that it's forever different. It hurts my heart to see their pain and sadness in situations like this.

I came across this patch yesterday while looking through Jason's bathroom drawer. I immediately started crying because this was the Cub Scouts patch for Hudson's pack last year. Just another reminder of something the boys will not get to experience with him.

It makes me so sad to think about the fact that the boys will have limited memories of him. Will they remember the fun things we did together as a family? Will they recall hearing the words, "I love you" come from his mouth? Will they even comprehend how much joy they brought to their daddy's life? I will most likely spend my lifetime making sure they don't forget.

Parenting Alone

2012-01-17T17:36:00.002-06:00

I would probably have to say that parenting alone is one of the biggest adjustments and challenges I'm facing right now. Jason and I were a great team. We were completely on the same page when it came to parenting and discipline. He had the ability to come home from work and assess the situation. Most times, the boys and I were great. Other times, I had had it up to here and was at my breaking point with them (If you have young kids then I know you get that!) He was really good at recognizing my frustration or lack of patience some days. He would look at me and say something sweet like, "why don't you go take a bath" or "hey, let me take over."

I really miss that.

I no longer have a partner in parenting. And it's hard. While I often say that death and divorce from a spouse are similar, the one main difference is that most times the parenting duties are shared when a divorce takes place. Most (not all) divorced couples work together to guide their children. They even share having weekends with the kids.......which gives each parent a little "break" from their parenting duties. There are no breaks over here. I find myself tired and overwhelmed from having to do it all.

While my family lives close and is very helpful, the reality is: it's not their job to raise my boys. It's mine. I'm blessed that I have a family I can call and ask for help if I need to go somewhere or plan an evening out with friends. Some people don't even have that so I do know I'm blessed. The downfall is that I don't want to abuse that help so I don't ask that often.

I guess today I'm missing that second set of hands. That deep strong voice that can walk into the room and immediately demand respect and attention. I miss the daddy that loves his boys more than anything else. I miss the patient soul that steps in when I'm at my limit. The sweet man that reads a bedtime story, says a prayer, and lays in bed and asks the boys about their day.

I miss all of it.

Guilt

2012-01-16T14:53:00.004-06:00

A few weeks after Jason died, I was laying in my bed with my mom. Something happened and we started laughing. Not just any kind of laugh....but the laugh that causes you to hold your stomach and a big goofy sound comes from your mouth. I didn't even think about it until my mom looked at me and said "wow, it's so great to hear you laugh again." I sort of froze for a minute and realized that I immediately felt guilty for it. "I shouldn't be laughing", I thought to myself. My world has just been turned upside down. Why was I laughing?

I've had numerous situations like that happen over the last three and a half months. I feel like I straddle the fence when it comes to grieving and moving forward. What is the right amount of time for these kinds of things? Unfortunately, there are no rule books to follow. Even when you ask others that have experienced a loss.....you realize that there are still differences in answers. I'm slowly learning that my answer comes from prayer and what I feel God puts on my heart. I do know that in the end, I must make decisions based on what is best for us and that I can't and won't ever make every single person happy.

I'll be honest. I am often filled with guilt. Guilt for laughing. Guilt for clearing the closet out too soon. Guilt for not wearing my ring. Guilt for feeling that maybe I didn't do enough for Jason while he was still living. Guilt for hoping and wanting love again some day. Guilt for being jealous that he's in heaven and I'm left behind. I know this comes from Satan and not God. He doesn't want or expect feelings of guilt because I did nothing wrong. When I hear those words.....it makes complete sense. However, at times I begin to doubt myself and the guilt creeps its way in.

I can't think of an absolute explanation for this other than I'm a pleaser. I want people to be happy and proud of me. I don't like to disappoint. I know that many decisions I make have an impact on others around me. How I handle or respond to certain situations will often effect others. It's a lot of pressure. And I hate it.

I've tried my best to explain the range of emotions that I feel but I still believe that one can't understand to the fullest unless you have been here. It's weird. This is a whole new world for me. I am not used to feeling guilty. Or jealous. Or insecure. Lately, I have bounced back and forth between all of these and I'm working my way through them.

One thing I do know is that God and Jason and the people that love me do not want me to feel this way. I don't either. Like everything else, it's a process. One step at a time.......

A Softened Heart

2012-01-10T21:37:00.002-06:00

I was talking with a friend at preschool yesterday and she mentioned reading my blog and she made a comment like "I'm amazed at your strength. I don't think I'd be that strong and positive if that happened to me." My comment back to her was something like "I thought and said the same exact thing before this happened." You have no idea how you will react to a situation like this until you are put there.

I want to first say that this blog is not intended to inspire. The main goal of this blog is for me to have an outlet. A place to write my thoughts in a safe way. Second, I plan to possibly print the posts about Jason's death so that the boys will one day be able to read about the journey and see how I felt and why I did the things I did. If I inspire someone along the way, then that's great. But I certainly don't set out each week to write some fancy post to serve that purpose. I try to keep it real here and that often includes posts that are not so pretty and include zero inspiration.

Back to the "being strong and positive" comment. That got me to thinking about how my heart has really softened the last few months. When someone experiences a traumatic event, they really do have two choices about how they want to handle that situation. It's tempting to allow our hearts to harden towards God because we are disappointed. We are hurt. We feel alone. We ask "why" and realize we may live an entire lifetime without ever getting the answer.

I knew from the very beginning that I never wanted to be mad or bitter that Jason died. While I still have my "I don't understand- this doesn't make sense- this isn't fair" moments, I can honestly say that God did something to me that day. He softened me. In my most vulnerable moments, he pricked my heart and gave me supernatural peace and strength to walk this road.

During this time of softening, I'm listening to God's whispers to me. I'm beginning to feel a tug in my heart in certain areas and I'm waiting for Him to open doors so that I know the direction I need to go. I'm learning to slow down and listen.....to be more aware of what God is trying to tell me. I'm seeking a purpose for my life.

"Don't worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all he had done. If you do this, you will experience God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus." Philippians 4:6-7

What to do......How to help?

2012-01-09T22:56:00.003-06:00

I've had several people over the last few days ask me what they can do and how they can help someone that has lost a spouse. While I can certainly share what has helped me I know that what works for one doesn't always work for another. Here are some things I've learned the last 3 months.

Avoid cliches. Seriously. Don't say "it all happens for a reason" or "it was God's plan" or "time heals all wounds." I've learned that by saying those things....it's mostly for the benefit of the one saying them. Silence is uncomfortable. People want to fix. Saying something is less awkward than saying nothing and really dumb things tend to roll out of peoples' mouths. Just stick with "I'm sorry" or "I'm praying for you."

Continue to talk about the person that died. I've found that it's more uncomfortable when I can tell people are avoiding the subject of Jason. Even though he's gone, he was a part of my life for a long time and I never want that forgotten. I feel peace when people tell stories or talk about him in a loving way. It's more hurtful to wonder if people are forgetting him then to just include him in conversation at times.

Touch base from time to time. It's expected that people reach out right after the death of a spouse. I remember feeling overwhelmed every day when I'd get on Facebook or even email because I'd have literally hundreds of messages from people. As time goes on, that number begins to drop significantly (which is understandable) but I will say that it means so much and is actually remembered now (so much is a blur in the beginning) when people send me a message telling me they are still thinking and praying for us. I was once told to expect sadness when you realize people are going about their lives and you feel stuck in a time warp. Obviously, life does go on for all of us but taking the time to send a quick text or message several months after the death is much appreciated. I'm so blessed with friends that still (and will continue to do so) for months and even years to come.

Probably the biggest lesson I've learned in all of this is to avoid the phrase "please let me know if you need anything." I'm guilty. We've all said it. This blanket statement though actually put stress and pressure on me instead of making me feel good. When you say this, it forces the grieving person to have to contact YOU and ASK for something. If you know me at all then you know this is something I struggle with. I would rather do it myself or do without then to ask for help sometimes. I can't even tell you what a gift it has been to have a few key people in my life that have called me and said "hey, I know your grass needs cut so I'm sending my guys over to cut it for you. They will be there at noon." Another friend- "hey, I'm setting up a meal calendar so that you don't have to worry about meals. Any specific requests before I set that up?" Another friend calls from time to time and says "please tell me your needs at this very moment"......and he waits on the phone until I tell him something. These are the amazing people that have taught me and shown me that if you see a need, then you just go and do it. You don't ask and you don't expect them to come to you with a request. I will never again use this blanket statement with someone. Even though we all know the intention is sincere, it just usually ends up being lip service.

Like mentioned above, the meals provided for my family have been such a lifesaver. I seriously LOVE to cook. However, since Jason died I have had little desire to do it. I am starting to come around a little more but for sure the first few months it was overwhelming for me to think about planning out a weekly menu. I have had meals provided for our family 4 nights a week (unless we have something come up that day and I have to cancel) and I usually use gift cards (also super helpful) in between on nights no one is planning to bring something. This has taken so much pressure off of me and I'm forever grateful for the precious souls that have stepped up and provided for our family.

Prayer. Kind of sounds obvious but it's so huge. People will often message me and say things like "I don't know what else to do to help so I just pray." That is perfect. Because there are days (especially in the beginning) when you don't have the words to pray and knowing that others are doing it on your behalf is amazing.

Invite the person out.....for lunch or coffee.........and keep asking until they say yes. I had so many offers in the beginning to meet up for lunch or coffee and honestly I couldn't do it. Some days it was a miracle that my teeth were brushed and contacts were in my eyes. Through this process, I've had to learn to say no at times. And that's okay. But I do remember telling my friends, "please don't give up on me." And they didn't. I have wonderful friends that didn't take it personally that they invited me out 4-5 times and every time they were given an excuse or a simple "not today." They gave me space but also stayed on me and eventually I started getting out. I've explained it like this: getting out socially for me has been somewhat like going to the gym: you hate the getting there part but once you are there, you are glad you are. I never regretted a single lunch or coffee with a friend once I got myself there.

Again, these might not be helpful for everyone but they are the first things that come to mind when I think about the support system that has taken care of me the last few months. The Lord has and continues to bless me with amazing people that know just what I need at exactly the right time.

Heartbroken

2012-01-06T18:36:00.002-06:00

I got word yesterday that a sweet friend from my preschool.....who also happens to teach in the 3's hall with me.....lost her husband yesterday. It was unexpected. I got an email that he had been taken to the hospital and that doctors were working on him. It didn't look good. I can't even describe how sick and how uneasy I felt. I kept coming into the study to see if a new update had been sent out. Nothing. Lots of waiting. I could imagine her sitting inside the same waiting room that I sat in a little over 3 months ago. Wondering and praying about the outcome of her life. We were asked to not come to the hospital at that time. I finally got word that he didn't make it. My boys were in the middle of dinner but I so desperately wanted to get into my car and drive there. I felt such a need to just hug her neck and tell her how sorry I was and that even though she can't imagine it, she will keep breathing. Even though she won't want to.

It was around 5:00 and I really didn't want to bother my friends....they have kids and were probably also juggling dinner and homework. I sent texts and left messages but wasn't able to find anyone. Finally my sweet friend and co teacher from preschool offered to come and stay with the boys so that I could make a quick trip to the hospital. She got to my house and I sent a simple text to my director (who was at the hospital with her) to make sure everyone was still there. She called me back and told me that everyone was heading home. She has 2 daughters that still didn't know and her only thought was to get home to them before they heard from someone else. My stomach immediately turned into a knot as I recalled the drive home from the hospital on Oct. 5. Even though it was such a blur, I do remember rehearsing in my head and wondering how in the world I would even begin to have that conversation with my boys. I literally ached for her. I stayed home and just continued to pray for her the rest of the night. I was disappointed that I didn't make it in time to see her.

Last night, I was laying in bed and thinking about her and her first night in her bed alone. Who knows, maybe she wasn't alone but she was without him. Either way, she was alone. I've mentioned that I've had situations where I've been surrounded by people but still felt so incredibly alone. I'm sure she felt that too. My heart started racing as I thought back to all the fears, the sadness, the overwhelming realization that everything was now on me. I hated this for her. I always will.

After running errands with my mom today, I was driving in and out of construction and trying to make my way back to the boys school in order to pick them up. I had to cut through the hospital parking lot in order to get onto the side road and up onto the street leading towards home. It was the first time my car had driven into or out of that parking lot since Oct. 5. I immediately started bawling. I was flooded with those emotions from that day and I lost it. I realized that God protected me last night and made it impossible for me to go to the hospital. Even though my heart wanted to go and show support, He knew that I couldn't handle that yet. I'm still too raw.

I really hate that she and I now have this bond and have the loss of a spouse in common. I can't help but believe that God placed me at this preschool this year for this very reason. Not to say that I'll in any way be a mentor for her- she will probably end up being a great source of comfort for me- but I do know how helpful it's been for me to see others that are a few steps ahead of me on this journey. I have seen others continue to live and breathe and smile despite the not so great situation they find themselves in. I hope in some small way I can be that person for her.

Please pray for this sweet family as they navigate their way around these first few days and weeks. Like me, she will look back at this time and be amazed that she has survived. Some days you really don't think you will. Because of God, we manage to do just that.

"Promise me you'll always remember: You're braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think." Christopher Robin to Pooh

13 weeks

2012-01-03T19:03:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow marks 13 weeks. I suppose I should start counting by the 5th of every month but by doing so, I jip myself several days. If I count by the 5th of the month, then Jan 5th would show that it's only been 3 months instead of 13 weeks and one day. Sounds kind of trivial but at this point, 8 extra days is a lot of time. Counting by weeks allows me to measure exactly the amount of time I've survived. And each day matters. Might sound dumb but it's made perfect sense to me.

I cleaned out the pantry this afternoon. While going through and sorting things out, I obviously came across several things in there that were just for Jason. The can of tuna fish. The flavored water packets. Iced tea bags. These are all things that I don't use and were there because they were his. I sometimes struggle with what to do with these kinds of things. Leave them there or toss them out? Is it more comforting to keep them as is or try to start fresh? Really depends on the day for me.

This weekend I replaced some pictures in the living room. Before Christmas, my friend took some pictures for us and I had several made for the house. I have 3 large frames in my living room that each hold a 12X12 picture. For the past few years, those frames have held family photos. A picture of the boys. A picture of Jason and me. A shot of our family of 4. I contemplated having new pictures taken this summer. I could kick myself for not making that a priority. Why did I allow myself to put it off? Why did I justify that we'd get new ones taken just as soon as these last 10 pounds were shed? Oh, how I wish we had taken the time to do that. I took down each frame, removed the picture, cleaned the glass, and hung the new pictures inside. I like the way they look but am trying to get used to my "new" family dynamic- A family of 3. What a difference 13 Wednesdays can make.

Lately I've been struggling with several things- a few that I'll wait and mention later down the road. One that has recently started is questioning whether I did enough while Jason was here. Did I love him enough? Did I do enough for him? Did he die knowing how proud I was of him? I sure hope so on all those. Do I doubt that or is Satan just messing with me? It's been so weird to see all the emotions, doubts and fears that have come from this death. In many ways the old Jennifer died that day too.

Grief is much like a yo-yo. One day you are on the upswing and the next day you are down. I'm fortunate that my days of down are limited but they are still there. Probably always will be to some degree.

www.paigepearsonphotography.com is my friend that took our pictures. She's really talented and if you live in the area, I'd encourage you to use her.

Will You Marry Me?

2011-12-31T10:53:00.004-06:00

12 years ago today, Jason asked the most important question of his life............

After our 2 week road trip (falling in love then and pretending to be married) we came back and continued our dating life. Things continued to go well that summer and into the fall. We were starting to make plans for New Years. It was 1999 and the Millennium New Year was a big deal at that time. We had some friends that were going down to San Antonio so we decided to go down there as well. We stayed in a really cool hotel (the name has slipped my mind but it was historical and very neat) not too far from the river walk. We woke up New Year's Eve morning and started getting ready for the day.

Let me back up - a month or two before, Jason and I had some serious discussions about marriage. Our relationship was very easy. I had always heard that when you find "the one" you will just know. And we did. We both came from divorced families so we didn't take this decision lightly but we were confident in our relationship and we were excited to start that next chapter together. Jason had taken me to look at rings. In fact, we went to a jeweler that was from our church and had a great reputation of providing beautiful rings at very honest prices. We looked around and finally decided to have my ring made. I found some rings that were pretty but none of them were "the one." We talked to the owner, he made some sketches and when we left I felt good that he understood what we wanted. I told Jason that I wanted a round diamond but that I wanted him to choose it. I wasn't sure how much exactly he wanted to spend and I knew that I'd be happy with whatever he wanted me to have. I had no idea when the ring would be made or when he would ask but at least we had taken the time to figure it all out.

Going down to San Antonio, I had a slight idea that he might propose that weekend. We were in a fun place, it was an exciting weekend and it kind of seemed like a good time. On the other hand though, I didn't want to get myself excited about it in case he didn't do it that weekend. He had kind of a playful side too and I realized that he could use this weekend to throw me off. I daydreamed about when and how it would happen. Where would we be? He knew that I was a pretty private person and would never want a big production made in front of a ton of people. I knew it would be simple and sweet and just us.

We started getting ready that morning- he showered and got ready first and then let me have my turn. We had some fun things planned for the day and I was excited to just be together. In the back of my mind, I told myself that this could be the night. I finished getting ready and I walked out of the bathroom. He was on the balcony, which overlooked this large outside area that was full of people. He asked me to come outside. I walked to the balcony....waiting for him to show me something and the instant I saw his face, I knew. He was so nervous and so excited all at the same time. He told me lots of wonderful things (that I won't share here) and got on his knee. He asked me the most important question of his life: Will you marry me? And I said yes.

Our Trip

2011-12-30T09:43:00.008-06:00

The boys and I got back from our trip on Monday. We are settling back in at home- catching up on laundry and enjoying some new toys they got for Christmas. Our little vacation served it's purpose. It gave us a chance to create some new memories and gave us a mental break from everything that's been going on here. Overall, I'm really glad we went.

I'd be lying if I said it still wasn't hard. This particular week, TONS of families were on this cruise. While I'm still surrounded by families here at home, for some reason it was harder for me this week. I guess it's because I had more time to look around and focus on the people around us. Many times throughout this trip I felt that people were trying to figure our family out. Wondering what brought us there. A young mom with her two kids and her mom. We kind of stood out a little bit. At least that's how I felt.

We all enjoyed the warmer weather and opportunities to play at the beach. We did some fun excursions in some pretty places. I think we all agree that playing with the dolphins was our favorite. It honestly didn't feel like Christmas while there. For that I'm extremely grateful. Even though the void was still there, we managed to survive somehow.

Christmas Eve and Christmas Day were brutal for me personally. I tried my best to keep the smile on my face but inside I was struggling. Despite the beautiful scenery and ongoing activities, I still felt such an overwhelming sadness. Christmas Eve evening I couldn't help but think back at what our family would normally be doing if Jason hadn't died. We would have attended our huge family Christmas party, brought the kids home and tucked them in bed, and then started getting gifts ready for the boys. Earlier that day, the boys and I would have made cookies for Santa and Jason and I would nibble on them that night as we assembled toys and set them out. We would take turns watching and listening to make sure someone didn't sneak out of bed and bust us. It was a fun time for us. Instead, I laid in bed with zero desire to do anything. My sweet mom set her alarm clock so that she could put the boys Santa gifts out and take a bite of the cookies once the boys were asleep. I didn't have it in me. Christmas Day started with two little boys squealing over what Santa brought and yet I still had no desire to take videos or even pictures. Almost like I wanted to pretend this Christmas never existed. I was hanging by a thread emotionally but still managed to get up and around. I made it until lunchtime ...... when while at the table eating Cooper said "mom, if dad wasn't dead would he be here with us on this cruise?" I lost it. My sweet mom looked at me and told me to go back to the room. I couldn't control the tears and the entire weeks worth of emotions were coming out. I'm learning that I can't be strong all the time- even when I try. I went back to the room and crawled into bed. I just laid there and cried. I had so many thoughts going through my mind. All I could pray was "God, take this from me."

The boys did good but still had a few moments of their own. They both enjoyed the kids club on the ship- a play place where the kids can go and do activities and meet friends. One night I went to pick them up and one of the teachers told me that Hudson had gotten upset. He started crying and the teacher spent about 15 minutes with him as he cried and told her that his daddy had just died. Even though I know this is normal, it's still so hard to hear. As a mom, it's so hard to know your kids are hurting and there is nothing you can do about it. All the love in the world from me will never fill the huge daddy sized void they have in their hearts.

I continue to be so thankful for amazing friends that continue to check in on us and especially checked in on me last week. I got so many sweet texts and emails from friends telling me how our family was being prayed for continually those days. While it doesn't fully take the pain away it sure does make it more bearable.

Well, I have now survived 12 weeks and multiple birthdays and holidays without him. I can't explain how relieved I am to have those behind me and to have a break from them for a while. I am not naive in thinking that 2012 with magically make life easier for me but I do know that there is something refreshing about a new year. Praying for peace and joy in 2012!

This Week

2011-12-16T21:43:00.005-06:00

Making cookies with dad- Dec 2009
This has been a busy week for us. The boys are officially finished with school until January. I think everyone is excited about no homework, no alarms and no schedules. Ask me next week if I'm still excited and we shall see! :)

The other day while I was working on the closet I was somewhat forced to look at the bag that contains Jason's ashes. I think I mentioned that I purchased 2 small keepsake urns for the boys. I plan to give them to them when they are older and can understand more. I bought one for myself- a simple pewter heart that has a small amount of ashes inside. Up until now, everything (including the large box with a majority of the ashes) has been inside that reusable bag- which has been inside the large gun safe in our closet. I stared at the heart for quite a while.....unsure what the next step should be for me. Will I ever really feel comfortable with it on my nightstand? I decided to get it out and set it on the small table next to my bed. It's been there a couple of days and I'm still undecided. I can't tell if it brings me peace, closure or what. I try my best to not think about what is inside but that has proven hard to do. The other night, I laid on my side and just stared at it. I kept thinking how crazy this all is and that I should be staring at him and not this. Even 10 weeks out I still have my moments when I have to remind myself that this is real.

The boys and I plan to get away for a bit over the Christmas break. Right after Jason died, I began to panic about Christmas. This has always been one of our favorite times and Jason was such a big part of the traditions and memories. I started to feel uneasy...... concluding that there was NO way I could wake up in this house alone on Christmas morning. So, I won't.

I braved the attic for the first time ever today. Let me tell you that I've never stepped foot in the attic. I'm scared of attics for some reason and honestly I've never had reason to go there. Jason always got things down and put things back away for me. Today, I realized that I needed a large suitcase from the attic. I pulled it down (all the while thinking about Christmas Vacation and praying it would not hit me in the face!) and made my way up. I got the light turned on and immediately spotted the suitcases. Lucky for me, we took that vacation back in August so they were right there. I didn't have to fully get in there. I stretched as far as could in order to reach it and I manged to get it down. Big accomplishment for me!!

I didn't see my large suitcase anywhere. Jason's big rolling suitcase was within reach so I decided to go with that one. I took it into my room and searched it high and low. I unzipped every pocket and looked inside every corner that might possibly store something. Nothing. He was so good about unpacking right when we got home. And he diligently unzipped every pocket to make sure nothing was left behind. Bummer for me. I was hoping to find something.....anything. Even a simple receipt would have been nice.

I began packing for a trip that I'm not super excited about and a trip that I wouldn't be taking if he was still here. That kind of takes the fun out of it. However, I do know that this trip is exactly what this little family needs. A change of scenery. A new set of walls. Distractions. New memories.

I hope and pray everyone has a Merry Christmas!!

The Closet

2011-12-13T07:55:00.002-06:00

I continue to see more and more how people grieve so differently. I have a new friend- a guy that suddenly lost his wife 12 days before I lost Jason. We check in with each other from time to time and share about our pain and what our days without our loved one looks like. He told me the other day about how when she first died, he searched high and low in every closet and drawer to see what he could find. He was hoping to find something he had not already seen. That gave him great comfort. For me.......I avoided all those things. It was too fresh and the pain was too raw for me to look. I felt that no matter what I found, it would not bring Jason back to me. Interesting how we all handle things in our own way.

Yesterday, I decided to work on the closet. For the past 2 months, my closet has served as the storage area for anything and everything I haven't wanted to deal with. I started just putting things in there and closing the door. Eventually, I couldn't see the floor and had to jump over piles in order to get to my clothes. It was quite ridiculous but I didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it. I decided that yesterdays task would be to clear everything off the floor and mostly focus on my stuff. I had clothes in there from 1994 (okay, maybe not that far back but waaaay back) in a variety of sizes. I'm sure most girls can relate to me on that. When I got married, I was tiny. Then you add two pregnancies into the mix and I had clothes in different sizes to get me through the different stages- the sizes got bigger before I wore maternity and then I had the bigger sizes to carry me after the birth until I lost the weight. Most of the clothes were dated and even if they fit, I wouldn't want to wear them today. Jason always called me a pack rat. Said I had a hard time getting rid of things. He was right. What if I needed that someday? :)

I started on my side and went through each piece- one by one. I filled 8 garbage bags full of shoes and clothes that I don't wear anymore. It was such a nice feeling once I was finished. The bad part is that I have very little left and I kept telling myself that I needed to go shopping to partially fill it back up. Ha!

I was able to get some of Jason's things off the floor and onto a shelf. This is when the emotions really started to take over for me. I would stare at something and think "this is the last spot he put that." For the first time in almost 10 weeks I had such a strong desire to feel and smell him again. I walked over to his dress shirts that were hanging up and just grabbed a big handful of the sleeves and buried my face in them. I lost it. It's probably the hardest cry I've had since Oct 5. One might classify it as howling. My body desperately needed to release those emotions. I continued to say out loud: "why?"... "how?"... "I don't understand" ...."this isn't fair." To my disappointment the smells had faded.

Before starting the closet, I found a scripture that stood out to me:
"Whenever trouble comes your way, let it be an opportunity for joy. For when your faith is tested, your endurance has a chance to grow. So let it grow, for when your endurance is fully developed, you will be strong in character and ready for anything." James 1:2-4

While in the closet, I had a pep talk and kept repeating to myself: "find the joy." I did. I looked at shirts and thought about places we went and the images in my head of him wearing those clothes. I am so thankful for wonderful memories with him.

I kept repeating to myself: "you are being tested." And I am. I feel like much of this nightmare is a test of my faith and that Satan is waiting in the wings to see if I'll fall. Sometimes it's hard to be strong and realize that God still loves me and wants the best for me. One could easily view Jason's death as a betrayal on God's part. Not me. I know better than that.

I kept repeating to myself: "you are getting stronger every day." Even when I can't see it at that moment, I do know that I've acquired an unimaginable amount of strength to carry me through this time.

The hardest part for me was looking inside the white hospital bag. Inside, were the clothes and shoes that Jason wore into the ER that day. I hugged his shirt and dug into his pockets to see what I could find. He had no clue that morning that it would be his last day to get dressed.

I'm starting to pull some things aside for the boys. I plan to have a large bucket filled with some of Jason's things and this will be something they can have when they get older. After Christmas, I plan to let his family and even close friends come and take dress shirts or anything else they might want of his. The rest will be donated.

I have such mixed feelings when thinking about an empty closet. Part of me thinks it will be easier to go in there and not see his things. The other part of me is crushed to know it won't be there and that life is moving on without him. I have to remind myself though that these are just things and that life on Earth is just a brief resting place.

"We fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen. For what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." 2 Corinthians 4:18

Easing In

2011-12-11T21:14:00.009-06:00

So like it or not, I'm slowly easing into this new life of mine. I'm accepting things like: I'm a 35 year old widow. I sleep alone in my bed. I ask for a table for 3 at a restaurant. I must rely on family and friends to help me. I can't take away the pain my boys feel because they miss their daddy. While each of these things bring about their own type of pain, the fact is I can't change it. I'm becoming comfortable without my ring. I'm sleeping in the middle of the bed. I invite friends to lunch/dinner so that the number 3 isn't quite so obvious. I ask for help (sort of) when I need it. I pray fervently that my boys hearts are protected. I'm easing my way in.

Today I found my scrapbook from our Montana trip. I thought I'd share a few pictures since my last post was about our trip and that sweet ring he purchased.

Just packed up the car and ready to leave Flower Mound.
In Colorado

Jackson Hole, Wyoming

Taking a break at a park in the middle of Jackson Hole

Grand Tetons in the back. Such an amazing day.

Jenny Lake

Full day of hiking.

Old Faithful

Paradise Gateway- Montana

Red Lodge, Montana. At an old movie theater. If you look close, you can see his ring.

Driving through the Beartooth Scenic Byway. Breathtaking.

When I was in the study today, I found the binder up in the closet. It had the full itinerary, maps, printouts of all the Bed and Breakfast places. I'm so thankful he kept this.

Another sweet treasure for me today.

"Yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery. Today is a gift. That's why we call it the present." Eleanor Roosevelt

Drawers and Sweet Treasures

2011-12-08T07:59:00.008-06:00

I'm sure if you asked 100 people that have lost a spouse - when they decided to clear out the drawers and closets, you would probably get 100 different answers. I knew in the very beginning that it was too fresh for me to tackle. I just had a feeling that I'd know when the time was right. This week, I decided I was ready to start some of it. Come to find out, I'm still not quite ready to do the closet so I thought I'd start off with going through his drawers and clearing things out. I hated it in so many ways.....once again feeling like I'm erasing him from my life. However, what does one do with all the socks and underwear and tshirts that are left behind? I did have some sweet friends come get several of Jason's favorite tshirts and they are having a quilt made for the boys. I'm so excited to see that.

While sifting through his things, I ran across several things that made me smile. And laugh. And cry. I was reminded that I'll never fold his shirts or match his socks again. Something so trivial yet something so big at the same time. That season is over.

One of the first things that made me smile was looking in his sock drawer. Several years ago, Jason was looking through a magazine and found a sock organizer. I can't remember the cost of it but I remember it was pretty pricey. I heard him say "I can make that" and if you knew Jason and how practical/frugal he was then you knew he would find a way to make it for practically nothing. And he did.

As you can see, this little organizer was efficient and was used daily. He was so proud of himself that he made it. It served it's purpose and he was happy about that. I've seen this organizer a hundred times over the years but today it put such a huge smile on my face.

I also found these pictures of us. Wow, we were babies back then!

This was taken when we were dating- sometime in 1999. At Medieval Times.At my mom's house- Jason's 30th surprise birthday party.

I found this birthday card hidden in a drawer. It was not signed yet. I could only wonder if he recently bought this card (my birthday is next week).......and if so, huge kudos to him for planning that far ahead. Or, did he buy it long time ago and forgot it was there? Either way, it touched my heart that he bought it for me with the intent of giving it to me.

This last one is my favorite. Let me tell you a story. I met Jason is the spring of 1999. I had just come off a couple of relationships that had not worked out so well for me. I had pretty much given up on love and was really ready to toss in the towel with guys altogether. I met Jason that spring (there is kind of a sweet love story there that I'll share another time) but I was not interested in starting a relationship. I let him know this on our first date, even though we spent hours together and things seemed to be clicking. We continued to see each other and spend time together and this sweet man honored my wishes and never tried to kiss me or take things any further. One night while talking on the phone I mentioned to him that I was really wanting to take a trip during the summer. I was a school teacher at that time and had my summers off. I mentioned to him that I'd love to go to Montana and explore the beautiful scenery there. He mentioned that he too wanted to go there. So in a joking way, I said "then let's go." And he said okay.

The next week or so, he came over with a binder full of information and a complete itinerary for our almost 2 week adventure. I was super impressed with him at this point. He had spared no detail and was like a kid in a candy store showing it to me. Ironically, we were still "friends" at this point. I knew that this trip would make or break us. I'd either fall in love or be so sick of him. I was curious to find out.

We left in late June that year and took the most amazing road trip ever. We stopped off in Colorado, then Jackson Hole, Wyoming..... we hiked the Grand Tetons, explored Yellowstone, and stayed at some wonderful places in Montana. We hiked, we went fly fishing.....had an amazing time. It was on this trip that we had "the talk" and realized we wanted to be together. It was the scene for our first kiss and it was on that trip that I knew I'd become his wife.

As part of Jason's planning, he booked us some really neat places to stay. We spent nights in quaint little Bed and Breakfasts and skipped the big hotel chains. With that comes getting to talk and visit with the "keepers" of the B&B. On the first night or so, I remember telling Jason that I felt kind of weird talking to these owners because they would ask us questions like " so, are you guys married?" and I felt weird when I'd say no. I was so concerned that someone would think we were sleeping together and that bothered me. We had already talked about that and knew we'd save that for our honeymoon. Still, I was uncomfortable with this image we were giving people.

On one of our stops, we went into this little country store to eat lunch. It was a really cute place- kind of a smaller version of Cracker Barrel. We ate lunch and started looking around. Jason found a cheap/fake ring that looked similar to a men's wedding band. After talking about it, he purchased it and placed it on his hand. I had a small band with diamonds already that I was able to wear and with that..........we decided to pretend we were married. We had fun discussing the details.....okay, so we got married on this date, we went here for our honeymoon, etc...... We had a full story prepared and every night going forward we were able to share that "story" with the keepers of the B&B. I felt a little guilty for lying but at the same time, I felt so good that people were not judging us or looking at us like we were shacking up together. I remember sitting across the table from him and listening to him answer questions and smiling. Several of those details came true- we did end up going to Hawaii for our honeymoon, we did end up having 2 kids like we said we wanted.... in many ways, that pretend story contained the dreams we had for our future.

So, yesterday while going through his drawers I found the ring. The cheap little ring that pinched his finger because it was one of those adjustable ones. The cheap little ring that sparked a fire in my heart for him. The cheap little ring that stayed on his hand for those almost 2 weeks and gave me a small glimpse of what married life might be like with him. I'm so thankful for this sweet treasure and for the wonderful memories that go with it. I miss him today.

The Story: Part 2

2011-12-06T08:14:00.008-06:00

The car ride home was a blur....much like the time spent in the hospital after I was told Jason had passed. You can't even properly explain the transformation a body goes through when this amount of shock consumes the body. I mentioned feeling robotic. It's like my body went into autopilot mode. My actions were void of emotion but continuing to go through the necessary steps in order to function. Once I left the private room where Jason was held I can't remember much after that. I do remember getting on facebook and updating my status to let friends know that Jason was gone. I can't recall exactly what I said but I do remember feeling peace about the words on the screen. I believe the Holy Spirit gave me the ability to share his death with others. I was already seeing lives begin to change in that hospital and I didn't even realize it at the time.

I walked out of the hospital exactly like I walked in: without Jason. Except this time I knew it was for good. Looking back, I wonder what everyone else was feeling. How strange to drive home and process the days events. Did everyone else feel the instant void like I did?

We pulled into my driveway and the boys were outside playing. I remember watching them and thinking that they had only moments left of pure innocence. A few minutes to savor the secure life we had built for them. I was about to shatter that security. I was about to tell them the worst news imaginable. We went inside and I sat them down on the chair. I was rubbing their backs and trying to love on them before I started. Once again, the Holy Spirit took over and allowed me to begin the story. I started to lay some ground work of the previous day.....about how daddy's heart was sick. Hudson looked at me with his huge brown eyes and blurted out "please don't tell me he's dead." I was crying and managed to nod my head. Yes sweet boy, daddy is gone. Cooper instantly covered his face and started crying. Hudson stared at me in disbelief while faint whimpers came from his mouth. I held them as we all cried and tried to assure them that we would be okay. Questions like "who will take us camping?" and "will we ever have a daddy?" began to pour out. The questions and answers seemed so foreign and so wrong to my ears. Were we really having this conversation? I've said it before but the entire scene was surreal.

The days that followed are hard for me to remember. I do believe that shock is an amazing gift from God- a natural way to protect the heart from the raw emotions. I continued to robotically go about the day and do things for the boys. I'm forever grateful for my mom and sister for being here and helping me out during that time. What would we do without family?

The other night I reread some of my earlier posts and it's amazing to me that in just 9 short weeks I'm able to see that I'm already stronger. I give God full credit for this. It certainly wasn't anything I did. It's the constant prayers that have been lifted on my behalf that have allowed me to make it here today. I know this season is just beginning and that hard days are still in my future. It's my prayer that I'll come out on the other end a stronger person because of this. Maybe one day I can minister to someone else that experiences a similar loss. God is certainly working in me and through me right now. Pretty excited to see what He has in store for me.

"I am trusting you, O Lord, saying 'You are my God!' My future is in your hands." Psalm 31:14-15

The Story

2011-12-05T08:30:00.005-06:00

I've put this post off for almost 9 weeks now. I struggle with going back to that day in my mind but I also wonder if down the road, I'll want to reflect back on what happened. There are still times when a new memory will pop up from those 2 days.....something I had forgotten. I'm sure I'll still continue to remember something new so I may even have to update this post from time to time. So, here it goes:

Tuesday, Oct 4 started like any other normal day around here. I got myself up and ready, got the boys up and ready for school. Dropped the boys off and then headed to preschool. I teach preschool 2 days a week in Southlake. I had a good day in the 3's class- just busy with those sweet kids. I gathered my things and headed to school to pick the boys up.

I got to school 5-10 minutes early and made my way into the pickup line. I turned my car off and rolled the windows down, trying to enjoy a few minutes of quiet before the boys piled in the car. I got a text from Jason about 2:57 saying something like "don't panic, I'm at the Baylor ER. Pains in my chest but they have run some tests and ruled out the heart and everything serious. Think it's an ulcer near my esophagus." Of course I panic and pick up my phone to call him. We briefly talk about what's been going on. He informed me that at around lunch time, he got a really deep pain in his chest. The middle of his chest, not over his heart. He said he got hot all over and the room started to fade to a white color. With it being lunch time and the intensity of the pain, he decided he needed to leave to have himself checked out. This is one of the reasons panic set in for me. If you knew Jason then you knew that he never made a fuss over himself. For him to drive himself there was a huge indicator that he felt something was wrong. He couldn't find his boss but he asked a few coworkers to let him know that he was heading to Baylor. He had to pull over once on his way. That white coloring was causing a distraction for him while driving. He made his way to Baylor- thankfully only had a short drive- and checked himself into the ER. He had been there about an hour and a half before he contacted me. I think he wanted to get checked out first so that when he did finally tell me, he could assure me that things were going to be okay. Sweet boy, always trying to protect me.

I immediately called my mom- who answered the phone and sounded like she had been hit by a truck. She was really sick and obviously was in no condition to come watch the boys for me so that I could make my way to the ER. Next, I called Jason's sister- who lives and works near us. This particular day, she was working off site and not really in a position to come keep the boys either. Thankfully Jason's step dad was home and was able to head my direction. I got the boys home and settled in- the entire time trying to stay calm and not let them know that something was going on. I actually told them that I had a "meeting" to go to really fast and that Papa Jim was coming to play with them. They were excited and thought nothing of it. I quickly made my way around the house- setting out pajamas, looking for something to throw together for the boys to eat, trying to make sure things were easily accessible in case Jim needed something. In my mind, I realized that we might not be home until after dinner so I tossed a granola bar into my purse and waited. Jim came and I made my way to the hospital.

Once I got there, I found Jason in an ER room and he seemed to be feeling pretty good. They had first given him a pain med that didn't phase him but they moved on to morphine, which seemed to be working. We talked for a bit but within no time his pain was coming back. He pushed the nurse paging button next to his bed. We waited for a few minutes. Nothing. I walked out to the nurses station and asked if someone could please come look at him. I went back to the room and waited. Nothing. Jason's pain was continuing to increase so he pushed the button again. Finally, someone came in and administered additional morphine. At this point, I was nervous.....I honestly can't stand hospitals.....but he had assured me that they had ruled out the really serious stuff. I wish I had asked him in more detail exactly which tests they ran before he called me. A male nurse came in and asked if they had taken Jason for his CT scan. We told him no and he left to go find out when that would take place. About 10 minutes later, a tech came in and started unplugging wires from the bed and explained to me that they would wheel him down for the CT scan and bring him right back. I was told that they were looking at the pulmonary area to check for ulcers or even blood clots in the lungs. I watched as they pushed him out of the room and was praying so hard that what they found was an easy fix. I used this time to text and update family. I really didn't have much info at this time but I wanted to let everyone know what was going on. His mom and sister were heading up there.

About 10-15 later, the tech brought Jason back to the room. I might be exaggerating here but I swear there were about 10 other medical staff with them. My heart sank. I knew. We had been begging for attention and additional pain meds a few minutes ago. Now, half the floor was in our room. I immediately started crying. The male nurse explained to us that "a suspicious area was detected around the aorta." Everything started running together at this point. There were nurses coming in and out, people reconnecting Jason to the wires, another nurse drawing a diagram on the dry erase board.....the answers to my questions were pretty vague. I heard snippets of information- "heart surgery", "aneurysm in the aorta", "heart surgeon headed here now" I really can't explain the panic that took over. I looked at Jason, who stared back at me with eyes that told me it would be okay. He never once cried. He grabbed my hand and whispered that we would be okay. He was so brave. He was being brave for me. I wonder if he was scared at all? Had God given him a peace?

I started texting his mom and sister telling them to get there immediately and that they were talking about heart surgery. The surgeon finally got there and came into the room to discuss the procedure. They explained that Jason had an aneurysm in his aorta and that without surgery, he would die. I felt that the doctor was only giving us part of the information. It wasn't until I pressed the issue that he told me there was a 30-40% chance he wouldn't survive the surgery. I went out into the hallway for a minute to make a phone call and was immediately greeted by the chaplain. He started talking to me and asked to pray with me. I remember saying, "do you know something that I don't know? Did they tell you that he would die?" I was begging for any information at this point. We stood in the hallway and prayed together and then I went back into the room. Things were moving fast and they were starting to prep him for surgery.

I'm not sure if the staff intentionally left the room for a few minutes or if it just happened to work out that way. Either way, so thankful for those few minutes alone. Jason motioned me over to his bed and asked if we could pray together. I was crying so hard and telling him that I loved him and couldn't do this alone. We held hands and prayed together and even though I don't remember everything he prayed that day, I do know that he asked that God's will be done, that God would protect the boys and me, and that God would forgive him for all of his sins. He looked at me and told me how much he loved me and how thankful he was for me. He told me what a great wife and mom I was and that he felt like the luckiest guy in the world to have had me. He looked me right in the eyes and told me that if he did die, that he wanted me to be happy. He said that he didn't want me to be alone and that if I ever found another Christian man that I loved, it was his blessing for me to remarry. I shook my head and told him no. No, I didn't even want to think about that!! Was I really having this conversation? It was so typical for him to think about me instead of himself. He wanted to give me the gift of freedom in the event he did die. What an amazing man.

We decided that Jason needed to call the boys. We certainly didn't want to alarm them but we did want Jason to have a chance to talk with them one last time before surgery. Jason called and asked about their day.....told them he was at the doctor and they were working to make him better. He told them how much he loved them and that he was proud of them. I sat in the chair and cried, thinking about these precious boys at home playing with Legos and completely clueless that this might be the last time they talked to their daddy. And it was.

Jason's mom, sister, and my sister made it to the hospital. Jason decided to update his facebook status- actually he asked me if that was corny or not but I told him no, that the more people that could be praying for him the better. A nurse was pushing forms in front of Jason and showing him where to sign. He was giving permission to be treated and permission to receive blood. In order to make light of the situation, Jason looked at the doctor and said "if you don't mind, I'd really prefer only UT blood because I love the longhorns." I was amazed that he could crack a joke at a time like this. Again, just his way of trying to keep me calm. The medical staff was finishing up and the anesthesiologist came in to begin his part. We kissed a few times and I whispered in his ear that I'd be waiting for him. And so the waiting started.

We were initially told that the surgery would be 6-8 hours long. I was told that the surgery is often successful but I was warned that what tends to happen is that the bleeding won't stop and that this is where the real issue is at. It was a waiting game for sure. We were moved to a large waiting area and family and friends started piling in. I can't even begin to express how thankful I was and am to have been surrounded by amazing people that love our family. We had moments of prayer, times of talking and moments of silence where we were lost in our own thoughts about what was going on. I had great moments of peace during this time. I was thankful for the distractions in that waiting room. It definitely made the time move along. The staff took my cell phone number and promised to call with updates. I received my first update about an hour and a half into the surgery. I was told that he was on full breathing and heart bypass but that he was doing well. A few more hours went by without any updating. The next update was that the surgery was over and that they were in the waiting period- trying to make sure the bleeding was under control. The hours marched on and the waiting room was never empty. I had friends and family that were there the entire time, never leaving my side. These are precious friends that have families of their own. They had jobs to work at the next day. They loved Jason enough to stay. I will never be able to express my appreciation for the time that was spent there and the personal sacrifices that were made.

I got another update that the bleeding would not stop. I don't even know what time it was at this point.....early in the hours on Wednesday morning. I had not slept and was still in my preschool shirt from the day before. I was functioning on full adrenaline. I had promised Jason that I would wait for him and I did. Waiting and praying. I can't really explain the transformation that took place in me during those hours but something was making me feel as if he wouldn't make it. I questioned myself and wondered if it was a lack of faith. I knew that God could heal him but for some reason, I felt that he wouldn't. Was God preparing me? We continued to get word that he was not clotting and that things were not looking good. The doctor came to talk to us and told me that he would not stop until there was nothing more to do. He did tell me that if this had been a 70 year old man that he would have already stopped. You could see in the doctors eyes that he was heartbroken to be working on a healthy young man like Jason. I trusted him and felt so great about this surgeon. He was honest and sincere and several people told me that his reputation was amazing. I knew Jason was in the best Earthly hands possible.

More family and friends piled in as the day started (wed, oct 5) and it was more of the same- waiting, talking, and praying. The surgery ended up lasting 20 hours. A nurse came down and called the family into a room. She said that they were closing him up and that the doctor would be in shortly to talk to us. I was confused- so the surgery was a success? Would they take the time to "close him up" if he had died? I asked questions and got very general answers and was told that the doctor would give us all the information we needed. We waited for what seemed like forever in a tiny waiting area. I sat there, waiting to hear the outcome and figure out the fate of our family. The doctor came in and started talking. I heard nothing. I wanted to know- dead or alive? He was talking in medical terms. I think I cut him off and asked "so, did he make it?" He shook his head and said no.

I remember thinking that I wanted to run out of that hospital as fast as I could. I wanted to yell. I wanted to beg him to keep trying, even though I know he tried way longer than he ever should have. I walked out of the small waiting room before he was even finished talking. I ran into the arms of my friend and lost it. I remember stomping my feet and feeling so alone and in disbelief. Why did this happen? How did we get here? Please Lord tell me I will wake up from this nightmare.

Someone came and told me that they were moving Jason into a private room so that we could go and spend a little time with him. I immediately said I didn't want to go. I've always been weird about seeing people in caskets at funerals. Every time I've looked I have always regretted it. I always remember saying that I wish I hadn't and that I wanted to remember that person alive. I stewed on that for a few minutes.....going back and forth. I knew it was either now or never and that I'd never get a chance to do it. I leaned against the wall and fervently prayed about it, begging God to give me a clear answer. The answer was yes, you need to do this. I went back and told the worker that I did want to go but that I wanted to go alone. They allowed me to go first. We rode the elevator up and I was led into the room where they had taken him. I have no idea how these feet managed to walk across that room and over to the bed. He was so swollen. The 20 hour surgery had taken it's toll on his body. The blanket was pulled up to his neck. I moved the blanket back and touched his arm. He was still warm. I stroked his hand and put my head on the pillow next to his. I whispered into his ear...I love you, I miss you already, I'm so sorry, how can I live without you? I was in shock. My body was so unsure how to act. I told him goodbye and robotically left the room.

My best friends offered to drive my car home and two sweet guy friends from church offered to drive Jason's car home. I rode back with my sister. I have no idea what we said during that drive, if anything. I just remember thinking and praying because I was faced with the most difficult conversation of my life. Telling my boys that their daddy was in heaven.

Choosing to Celebrate

2011-12-02T09:24:00.005-06:00

I mentioned this early on but something that continues to stick out with me is the fact that I'm mourning not only the loss of Jason but also the "dream" of our family. Sure, I miss the day to day things that involved him but I also miss the dreams I had for our future. I mourn the fact that we will never celebrate 50 years of marriage. That was very important to us. We will not rejoice together when our boys get married. We won't become grandparents together. We won't retire and spend the golden years traveling and going to see all the places we dreamed of visiting. In the big picture, I know these are trivial but some days it just stinks. On the other hand though, I know another dream we shared was the promise of heaven one day and he has already received that reward. So, today I'm choosing to celebrate the time we DID have and be thankful for it.

As for the day to day things....I certainly miss having someone to share things with. The past few weeks there have been things that have happened and I immediately wanted to tell him. We were outside playing one day and got to talking with our neighbors (who have had their house for sale for quite some time) and they told me the house sold. I immediately thought "oh, can't wait to tell Jason" and then realized I couldn't. Cooper's teacher told me 2 days before Jason died that she wanted to test him for gifted and talented. I never mentioned it to Jason. Why, oh why didn't I make the time to tell him that? He would have been thrilled to know our feisty little guy was such a smart little boy! This morning I discovered a leak under the boys bathroom sink. Jason was extremely handy around the house and was able to fix almost anything. I can no longer call him to ask him to fix it...and give him an opportunity to prove to me that he is important and that we needed him. Today, I'm choosing to be thankful for the years we had to share things and for the chances he had to provide for our family.

Choosing to celebrate is not a natural reaction for me right now. Nope, I often find myself in the "why, why not, what if" stage of grief. My counselor is continuing to help me change my thought process. If I want to heal (which I do!) then I can't live in the past or the "what should have been." I look forward to the day when my first reaction is to celebrate and not be sad. I know I'll get there. I'm already so much further down the road then I thought possible!

8 weeks

2011-11-29T21:29:00.003-06:00

Tomorrow marks 8 weeks since Jason died. In some ways it seems much longer than that. On the other hand it seems like it was just yesterday. In the beginning, I would measure time in tiny increments.

I survived 5 hours this first day without him.

Look, it's been 3 days.

Wow, a month has gone by.

At some point I'll start referring to months and then years that have gone by. Still so surreal some days.

I continue to be blessed by so many people that love our family. I could never have imagined how people would come together and do things for us like they have. Especially 2 months out, I expected all the attention to have stopped. It hasn't. On facebook today, I posted that I'm thankful that God knows what I need exactly when I need it. He does and He continues to provide. He has placed just the right people in my path. He has put things on the hearts of friends and they in turn have blessed our family by taking care of specific needs we have had. He has given me a crazy amount of peace these last 56 days. He provides and carries me every single day.

I am blessed.

Still Here

2011-11-28T18:31:00.003-06:00

So thankful for a new week....one without any special holidays or events. Last week was an emotional one for me. Birthday and Thanksgiving in the same week was a bit much for this little family. The boys, especially Hudson, had a hard time. Not only is the reality continuing to set in but just the realization that the holidays will forever be different made all of us a little sad. For Thanksgiving we ate lunch at the Gaylord and then walked through the ICE exhibit. I was thankful for the distractions but it was never far from my mind that our family was minus one.

I touched a pan for the first time since Oct 5. I've been so blessed by friends bringing us dinner or I have had gift cards to use on nights nothing is brought. This afternoon I picked up a rotisserie chicken and then made steamed edemame and couscous for dinner. It was nothing special but it just hit me as I reached in the cabinet to grab my pan that I haven't done so since his death. Such a shame because I LOVE to cook for my family. I know that I'll get back to it again but honestly I've had zero desire and just the thought of planning out a weekly menu is overwhelming for me. I looked at my pan and had a flashback to almost 2 years ago when Jason came home with a new pot and pan set for my birthday. The other stuff we had was the set we got when we got married. It was still okay but I was really wanting a stainless steel set so that I could get away from the Teflon stuff. He was so proud of himself because he had researched them and finally decided on the set he thought would be perfect for me. It was really sweet the day he gave them to me a few days early for my birthday. He was excited to see my expression. Sweet memories.

As we finished dinner tonight, I looked around at all the leftovers. Jason was SOOOO great about eating them. In fact, he was always more than happy to take leftovers to work for lunch. He didn't like going out to lunch that often and chose to save his money and just eat what I sent for him. It was so nice because the food didn't go to waste, he saved money, and it got ME off the hook from having to eat them. I'm not the best at leftovers. I got sad thinking about all the future meals we will have and no one to be excited that tomorrow's lunch is already taken care of. The other day, I found some frozen pot roasts in the freezer. I made a pot roast and veggies a couple of weeks before he died and froze single portions up for him. He was thrilled to have a stocked freezer of lunches waiting for him. Something so little but it was something he appreciated so much. And I was happy to do it. I cried at the sight of those lunches, knowing I'd never eat them (I'm not a red meat person) Just another reminder that he's gone and life is forever different.

Yesterday, I took the boys to Target to get a small tree and decorations. Even though I've been offered by countless people to get up in the attic to get the holiday things down, I honestly didn't have the emotional energy to deal with it. Do I really want to see the stocking with his name on it? Do I want to hang the ornaments that were special to him or those that had our names written on them? The answer is no. I've mentioned before that I'd love nothing more than to wake up on January 1, 2012. Thankfully I was able to convince the boys that a small 4 ft tree would look adorable in the living room. We are going out of town for 8 days over Christmas break so I kept reminding them that we will be gone over Christmas anyways. They decorated the tree and seemed to be happy with that. It makes me so sad that I'm not more excited or that I'm not trying to continue all the fun traditions that we once had. I just can't do it this year. It's not in me. I feel bad that they are kind of getting the short end of the stick but I'm learning to let some things go. It's my prayer that next year can be more like previous years.

The boys continue to feel the void of a male in the house. Cooper especially has been asking about a new daddy. The first time he mentioned this, it really threw me for a loop. I know that it's nothing against Jason or that he wants to replace him. I can't take it personally. I know that he just misses a daddy figure and is curious if he will ever have that again. Quite honestly I'm curious about that too. I'd be lying if I said I didn't think about it or even pray about it. Do I want to be alone forever? No. Do I want to fully raise these boys alone and without a Christian male influence? No. My life is 100% in God's hands and I feel confident he will provide for us when the time is right. He's already cared for us every step of the way these last 8 weeks and I know the future is no different. I am hopeful and thankful for every blessing that has come from this nightmare.

Two Roads

2011-11-22T22:12:00.003-06:00

The boys and I got away this weekend. Took a little road trip with my mom out to DeLeon, where my cousin has 26 acres. It's out in the middle of nowhere and is a very peaceful place. The boys love it there- they have horses, a tank, a workshop with lots of tools and gadgets, a go cart, a golf cart and lots of neat things that excite little boys. They were able to ride a horse, play outside all day, and do lots of things that we don't get to normally do here at home. It was definitely good for them. And good for me too. I was fortunate enough that my mom and aunt spent a lot of time with them so that I could have some down time. I was able to read from a book I'm reading right now. I had some quiet time with God. I was able to lay in bed and just rest. I took a long walk one day. The scenery was extremely peaceful and so good for my soul. I was walking up this road and this scene just stood out with me. I was listening to my music and stopped in order to take a picture. It made me think about my journey.....my walk so far in this grieving process and this picture reminded me of the choices I can make while on this walk. I see it sort of like this: I'm walking down this road, coming out of the fog/shock stage that happens in the beginning. I am nearing a dead end. I can only go right or left. To the left, I see a road of sadness and bitterness. To the right, I see the road of hope and joy. Which way do I go? I immediately envision myself making a sharp turn to the right........hoping to avoid bitterness altogether. In my real life, I've already turned towards the right and am well on my way. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes stop and turn my head and look back at the left. Those are the days when I struggle or when Satan really works his way inside my head. But I continue to pray and ask God to hold my hand as we walk down the road together. I'm so thankful that I've got a choice in this process and that I'm choosing hope. God has placed that on my heart and for that I'm grateful.

Today was Jason's birthday. I woke up this morning and could not control the tears. It was probably good because I'd had several good days and a couple of days with very little sadness. I think the tears had been building up and today was the day when everything seemed to release. I had such a mixture of emotions....like I often do. I was fortunate enough to have a therapy session this morning. I've really come to look forward to them. I feel so much better after going. I was telling her that I was sad about never getting to spend another birthday with Jason. She told me to instead be thankful for the birthdays we DID get to share together instead of focusing on the ones we won't share. The light bulb really came on for me when she said that. Once again I'm left with the choice of turning left or right on this road of grief. So today, I chose to be thankful for the ones we did have.

During our session, she asked me to tell her something funny about Jason. I did and managed to bust out laughing while the tears were pouring down my cheeks. It felt good. She encouraged me to text everyone that was planning to attend his birthday dinner and ask them to also think about a funny story. We were all able to share those stories tonight and I must say, the laughter felt good. I didn't feel guilty for laughing or for feeling content at that moment. I feel that's a benefit of being on the road of hope.

Before dinner, we all met and wrote messages on balloons so that the kids could send a message to daddy in heaven. I think it was a good visual for my boys. They had questions like "are you sure it will make it up to heaven?" and "do you really think daddy will get it?" It was good for all of us. I think it's something that we will do each year.

So, as I type this post tonight I realize that once again I've made it another day and survived another holiday without him. This is creating a peace inside of me towards Thanksgiving. I know it will be hard but because of Him, I'll make it.

Today is a New Day

2011-11-17T12:41:00.002-06:00

When Hudson was younger I remember there was a time period when he went through that "stinker" stage. You know, the good old 3's? He had a run where he'd get into trouble at preschool and he always knew that it meant a serious talk with mom later that day. At bedtime, I would tuck him and tell him that I loved him and was proud of him and that tomorrow was a brand new day. I wanted him to know that he got to start over....got a clean slate each day. How little did I know that those very words I spoke to my son were the words I would later be telling myself. Thank you Lord that tomorrow is a brand new day!

Even though today is only half way through, I can tell you that it's already better than yesterday. Of course I've had my sad moments and the tears have definitely been shed but my overall outlook on life is brighter. I know that there will continue to be days like yesterday sprinkled in here and there but I really want to focus and highlight the days like today- when I feel hopeful and thankful and loved. Because today I do feel that way.

I had a session with my therapist this morning. I mentioned my "feeling judged" concerns and she immediately said "why do you care what other people think?" She's right. But it's because I'm a pleaser and I want people to be proud of me. She reinforced what I wrote about how I can only make decisions based on what's best for ME and that no one has walked in my shoes so they shouldn't be judging anyways. Today I'm thankful to have someone to talk to that's been down a similar road.

Hard Day

2011-11-16T17:50:00.002-06:00

This has probably been the most emotional day in quite some time. It started off pretty good.....got some new running shoes yesterday and went for a brisk walk around the neighborhood. I was feeling good. I got ready and then went to the boys' school because Cooper had his Thanksgiving Feast. I guess I was more focused on going there for him and didn't really prepare myself for the parents I would see. Right after Jason died, the class took a collection and sent some money in a card for us. I was blown away by the generosity. I got to his classroom and instantly a mom introduced herself. Once I said my name, she immediately gave me a sad look and told me that she was sorry for my loss. This is the first time this has happened. I've either been surrounded by those that already knew or complete strangers that had no clue. While I appreciated her sincerity, my eyes immediately filled with tears and I fought the urge to bawl right there. I was in a fog the rest of the time and felt like everyone was watching my every move. Probably not, but just how I felt. I resisted the urge to watch all the dads film their child and smile as they watched them in class. It took everything in me to stay.

We had no dinner plans tonight and Cooper was asking for pizza so I called in Mr. Jims. Only the 2nd time since Jason died. I picked it up and brought it home. I'm not sure if the pizza sparked something in all of us but at one point all 3 of us were crying at the table. I've mentioned how great it is that kids are easily distracted. At one point, Cooper changed the subject and he and Hudson were discussing something other than their dad. I was already in the funk and I just sat there and cried. Pretty sad when your 8 year old has to tell you that everything will be okay. Cooper ended dinner with the comment "I sure wish all our family and friends could die so we could all go to heaven." I second that, sweet boy.

Today I wanted to stomp up and down like a spoiled brat and yell "This. Is. Not. Fair" at the top of my lungs. Because it isn't. I'm so mad today that I've been forced down this road. I just want my simple life back. Why me? I don't want this life. I don't want to be strong. I don't want to do this alone. I just don't wanna.

Another young guy that lost his wife a couple weeks before Jason died has also been writing on his blog to document his feelings. We've corresponded a little via facebook and will occasionally send a word of encouragement to each other. He's currently in Hawaii, by himself.......mourning without distractions. I wonder if that's something I need to do? Not sure that I need to go as far as Hawaii to do that but I'm feeling the need to just "be" and being at home makes that hard- even when the boys are at school. I'm praying that I'll know when and where I need to go in order to have some time for myself.

That's it for now. The other ugly side of grief....the days when it's nearly impossible to talk to God because I have nothing to say. All I can do is pray that tomorrow is a better day for me. It has to be.........

Feeling Judged

2011-11-15T20:38:00.003-06:00

I mentioned early on that I felt like I was under a microscope. I know it's because people honestly care and worry about me but either way- I'm being watched. This is new and uncomfortable but also brings with it the reminder that I'm so blessed to have family and friends that care enough to watch. Kind of a double edged sword.

Unfortunately, there are no rule books with grief. There are no guidelines or systems to follow because each journey is unique. This morning I was thinking about how grief is like a fingerprint....no two are the same. I find myself questioning and second guessing lots of decisions that I'm making. In the end, I realize that there really is no definite answer. I must pray and ultimately make decisions that are best for me.

I've recently decided to stop wearing my wedding ring. Six weeks sounds like an awfully short amount of time. I'm pretty sure I would have thought the same thing in the past if I saw someone remove their ring after that short time. You know what? Wearing it brings me pain. Let me say first that I adore my ring. Jason allowed me to be a part of the process of designing it with him. Once we had the band figured out, I told him that I wanted a round stone and that it was up to him to choose that. I was never the kind of girl that insisted on a certain carat size. I would have been happy with whatever he gave me. He chose a beautiful round stone and the minute he proposed to me I was in awe of my ring. Still am to this day. I told him several times throughout our marriage that I never wanted him to "upgrade" my ring or center stone in any way. I was just as happy with it as the first day he placed it on my finger. So one side of me is incredibly sad to not wear it. I love it and the marriage it represents. On the other side though it hurts me to know that that chapter of my life is over. Every time I looked at my hand, twirled it around or received a compliment about it........it took my breath away. It caused anxiety. I decided to not wear it one day and a huge weight was lifted from me. Do I miss it? Of course I do. I miss my pre Oct 5 life. But the reality is, I'll never have that back. So, I'm learning that I have to do what is best for me and my healing. For now, it's not on my hand and I have to be okay with that.

Tonight I changed my Facebook status to "widowed." I sat and stared at that for quite some time. It felt really weird and wrong. It's one thing to say it and live it but to see it written is another. I had a friend warn me that the first time she had to check "widowed" on a form that it really hurt her. In some ways I think maybe I was trying to deal with that before I found myself in a public situation where I'm forced to check that box.

All of these situations make me feel that others will judge me. Even though I haven't done anything wrong, I continue to question if these moves were made too soon? Again, there isn't a handbook to refer to. I feel like I'm walking in a pitch black room with my hands stretched out in front of me. I'm feeling my way around and have no idea what is up ahead. I do know that God is the light I'm seeking and I pray that decisions made will glorify Him in some way. I need to remind myself of that when I'm hard on myself or start to feel that others judge me. In the end, His opinion is the only one that matters.

Grief

2011-11-14T19:45:00.003-06:00

Hard to believe it's already mid November. On one side I'm thankful that the fall and holiday season are passing by so fast but then I realize that this basically is like wishing my life away. Not exactly.....just kind of wish I could click my heals and be in January. The anticipation to next week is beginning to build for me. His birthday is next Tuesday and then Thanksgiving is on Thursday. Jason always loved Thanksgiving and all the food. Our family has decided to do something different this year. I think we plan to do the brunch at Gaylord and then walk through the ICE exhibit. Not a single person can imagine sitting at his mom's house and feeling the void. So, we are choosing to do something new.

I went to my first counseling session last Thursday. I really like her. She lost her husband about 15 years ago so understands much of what I feel. Her boys were older though (20 and 22, I think ) so she did mention that I don't have the luxury to grieve full time like she did that first year. I think kids are a huge blessing in times like this even though she's right- some days I'd love nothing more than to just stay in bed for the next 2 months. She asked me a lot of questions about Jason's death and focused a lot on the 24 hours surrounding it. Those are hard memories to share. The exact reason I haven't documented that on here yet. I am going again this Thursday. I can't really say that I'm excited about it but I do think I'll feel better after I've been going for a while. I tend to keep things inside and this will force me to talk and dig deep.

I got a sweet letter from a family member today. She was married to my great uncle and once he passed away, we sort of lost touch. We reconnected a while back on Facebook so she learned of Jason's death right away. She sent me a touching letter- basically describing so much of what I'm feeling. Even though his death was not unexpected and happened a little later in life (she was 53) she still managed to put into words much of how I feel. She pointed out that once everyone returns to normal life that it's then that the real grieving starts. It's the full realization that you will never hear their voice, see their face or feel their presence. While I feel that reality is already setting in with me, she does mention that God gives us the gift of "shock" so that we are able to function the first weeks after the death. Has the shock worn off yet? I think so but how do I know? Will I suddenly get slapped in the face with the harsh reality sometime later down the road? I pray not.

It's weird how it's often the little unexpected things that cause a flood of emotion in me. The other day, I made a quick trip to the grocery store. I was in the coffee section and decided to buy the smaller can of coffee since it's just me now. Can't explain why that hurt me but I immediately started crying. I have that happen often and it comes without warning.

The boys continue to do fairly well......with the exception of just being more emotional. They sometimes go a day or so without mentioning him and I'm still so unsure of how to handle that. Tonight, they were especially missing his presence since both of them mentioned him at bed time. It was hard to fight back the tears myself since I'm also feeling the void this evening.

Today was a beautiful day so I decided to go for a walk. I listened to my ipod and made several laps around the neighborhood. The fresh air was good for me. While walking, I realized that I kept focus mostly on the ground. I've kind of inherited this habit the last 6 weeks. Mostly to avoid eye contact but also to avoid witnessing life around me. Selfishly, I will admit that seeing others continue to move forward hurts me, even though I know it's normal. Seeing families and dad's with their kids crushes my heart. While walking today, I thought about a saying I read the other day: You'll never find a rainbow if you're looking down. It hit me that I just might miss out on the good if I continue to look down. I finished my walk looking up and finding things to be thankful for all around me. Some days those blessings are easier to find and other days I have to search for them. Grief is a crazy thing but I'm trying to get better at looking up.

A day of hope

2011-11-08T08:17:00.003-06:00

This morning is the first morning that I've started reading. I was given a book- The One Year Book of Hope- by a sweet friend shortly after Jason died. I mentioned that I've been given some great resources on grief but the whole idea of sitting down and trying to make sense of my pain just seemed to overwhelm me. I've struggled to see past myself and my grief these last 5 weeks and the idea that some book could help me come to terms with my pain seemed ridiculous to me. Today it felt right. I scanned the book choices and decided on this one for now. Will I read them all? Yes. But for today, I start here.

Let my cry come right into your presence, God; provide me with the insight that comes only from your Word. Give my request your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of your promise. Let praise cascade off my lips; after all, you've taught me the truth about life! And let your promises ring from my tongue; every order you've given is right. Put your hand out and steady me since I've chosen to live by your counsel. I'm homesick, God, for your salvation; I love it when you show yourself! Invigorate my soul so I can praise you well, use your decrees to put iron in my soul. And should I wander off like a lost sheep - seek me! I'll recognize the sound of your voice. - Psalm 119: 169-176 (the message)

Honestly, I think the title of the book is what drew me in. A book about hope. I will tell you friends that hope is one thing I didn't have those first few weeks. I was so devastated by the sudden loss that I'm not sure I even wanted it. I would often lay in bed at night and just pray that somehow, God would come and take the boys and me.....in a flash, just like he took Jason. I didn't want to be here alone, on this Earth raising these boys by myself. Unfortunately, I don't think that's God's will for my life. For some reason that I still don't understand, I was meant to continue this journey on Earth without him. Does it hurt? Absolutely. Is it frustrating? Of course. But thankfully over the last several days God has started planting seeds of hope in my heart. Even though this was not in my plan, it has always been in His.

"I weep with grief; encourage me by your words. Keep me from lying to myself; give me the privilege of knowing your law. I have chosen to be faithful; I have determined to live by your laws."

Nov 4

2011-11-04T13:14:00.002-05:00

I have people tell me a lot that I'm strong. Not really sure how to respond to that. I even sort of laugh to myself and think "boy, they don't see some of my hard moments." I definitely have times that Satan tries to get inside my head and put doubt and fear in there. It's a battle. Ongoing. He's always there but it seems that he strikes harder when he knows you are down. He wants to create bitterness, anger, never ending sadness...... I won't allow it. I can't allow it.

A friend from church sent me a small cross that was given to her when her husband died. It sits on my nightstand and every night it goes into the palm of my hand as I pray. Sometimes I feel like I pray for the same things. I often feel that I don't even have the words or know what to ask. Sometimes I just pray that God can listen to my heart and know what I need. I recently read a quote from Mother Teresa that said: I know God won't give me anything I can't handle. I just wish He didn't trust me so much. I think about this quote quite a bit and I know that God knew that somehow I could handle this. I question that every single day- can I handle this? But God knows that I can or he wouldn't have included that in my plan.

The other morning, Hudson was in his room getting dressed for school. I overheard him singing "I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river, I've got peace like a river in my soul......." It was really sweet and happened to be just what I needed at that moment. Quite often, little things like that happen to me- I'll get a text from a friend at just the right time, someone will say just the words when my heart needs to hear it, or I'll get a sweet hug or I love you from one of the boys. I cherish those little gifts.

Yesterday, I got rid of Jason's car. On one hand, I've kind of gotten used to it just sitting here. But I mentioned the other day that there have been a few times that I've rounded the corner and for a split second thought he was home. I thought it would be harder for me than it was to let it go. Maybe there was a part of me that was relieved to have it gone. One less reminder that he's not here.

On Wednesday, I got my hair cut. I have been growing it out for some time now in order to donate it to Locks of Love. It was a bittersweet day..... Jason would often ask me how much longer I needed to let it grow and he'd get the measuring tape out and measure it for me. I am sad that he wasn't here to see me but I felt that he was with me and was proud of me that day. It's crazy short- actually shorter than I was hoping it would be but I've been losing a lot of hair this past month so I really needed to go ahead and do it. In the end, it's just hair and it will grow back.

Today I miss little things like hearing the garage door open, seeing 2 towels hanging on the shower, and getting a phone call from him at lunch to just quickly tell me he loves me. Simple things that I took for granted. But today I am thankful for all the love I've been given this last month. I said very early on that Jason had no idea how much he was loved. Fortunately, now I do know how much I'm loved. I have been loved on more this last month that I'd ever dream possible. It has blown me away at just how blessed I am with amazing friends and family.

A new month and being thankful

2011-11-01T21:01:00.003-05:00

Several people on Facebook are listing things they are thankful for this month. I've seen this done in the past but never participated for the entire month. I think for me, it would be a great thing to do...so that on those days when I want to feel sorry for myself, I'll have to find something to be thankful for. Even in the worst of situations, we can all still find blessings mixed in. Today I was thankful for today. Thankful that God allowed me another day to be a mother to these 2 boys. It's something I pray boldly about. It's my prayer that God will allow me to see them grown up.

I picked the boys up from school today and Cooper was immediately complaining that his tummy and throat hurt. When we got home I felt his head and he didn't have a fever. The boys were chasing each other around and playing but he started asking to go to the doctor. I tried to distract him......he was acting fine but kept crying and saying he wanted to go. I finally bit the bullet and did the web check-in for Care Now since it was late in the afternoon. I realized that if he woke up sick at midnight that I'd kind of be hosed so I decided to not take any chances. Good thing I followed my gut. Strep. He still doesn't have fever, is eating and bugging his brother so the doctor felt we caught it early- before the yucky white puss pockets formed in the back of his throat. I asked the doctor to also give Hudson and me a prescription too so that we could hopefully avoid passing it around. He agreed to that and for that I'm thankful. I took the prescription to the Kroger drive-thru and was told it would be an hour before it was ready. My clock said 7:30 which meant coming back at 8:30= after the boys bedtime. It was the first moment in the last month where I really felt the "single parent" thing come into play. It was a huge inconvenience that we had to go home and then get back into the car an hour later but I prayed the entire time that my heart would not be impatient or irritated or upset. And I wasn't. I mentioned last night that I've seen changes in myself. This is a perfect example of not sweating the small stuff. Again, I'm thankful.

Tonight at bedtime, Hudson asked when he could see his dad. God is covering our family in a huge way. I was able to talk to him without huge tears streaming down my face. I was able to tell him that it's okay that we hurt and miss him. But I also told him that we have made it an entire month and have still been able to find bits of joy every single day. He nodded his head and realized that we are surviving. Some days are harder than others but we are making it. And for that, I'm thankful.

The First of the Firsts

2011-10-31T21:41:00.002-05:00

Halloween was the first holiday to celebrate without Jason. I was thankful that it was a crazy/busy kind of night. Not a ton of time to just sit around and think. The boys were running from door to door and having a blast. They seemed unfazed and for that I'm thankful. Several times on my walk I thought to myself that he should be here. Again that constant battle that I have with myself ........wanting him here versus wanting him in Heaven. Someone once told me that the buildup to the holiday is worse than the day itself. I felt it was true in this situation but again I'm not sure if it's because the evening was kind of hectic or if because I was no longer dreading the event. Speaking of dread, I really do dread the next 2 months. His birthday was in November, then we have Thanksgiving and then Christmas. If it were up to me, I'd skip right on over to January but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Bummer. I'm proud to say that I survived the first of the big firsts without him.

I was cleaning out my purse today and discovered Jason's wedding ring in an inside pocket. I had completely forgotten that it was there. I slipped it off his finger at the hospital right before he went into surgery and put it in that pocket. Of course it took me back to that day.....to all those feelings of panic as the surgeon was telling us our options and how brave Jason was trying to be so that I wouldn't freak out any more than I already was. I held his ring for a long time and tried to remember what his hands looked like with it on. I'm scared I will forget.

I've had so many people tell me that Jason's death has put so many things into perspective for them. They try to not take life too seriously or they are trying harder to appreciate the people in their lives. I'd have to say it's also true for me as well. This last month, I've seen changes in myself. Things that might normally frustrate me or get me upset........I'm allowing them to roll off my shoulders. Many times I've said to myself, "let it go.....it's not a big deal.......life is too short......in the end does it really matter?" Thank you Jason for showing us that life is short and we should not take a second for granted.

Lord Come Quickly

2011-10-30T21:07:00.004-05:00

So I tackled my first time at church. I cried most of the morning while I was getting ready. I was hoping to "get it all out" and keep myself composed while at church. I did pretty good at first. Once the singing started, I sort of lost it. It was my first time to sit in the pew by myself. (with the exception of the few times I went when Jason was either sick or out of town) It felt weird. I was surrounded by hundreds yet I felt so alone. The sermon today was about Jesus coming back. Before Jason died, I would have told you that I was excited about Heaven. However, there was a part of me that also enjoyed my life and was okay if Jesus didn't return during my lifetime. I think most of us are that way. Even as Christians, we get so tied to this Earth and we don't long for Jesus to return. I'm ashamed to admit that it's taken my husband's death to switch my view. I long for Jesus to come. I can't wait for heaven. Please, Lord come now. Maranatha!

I have a few more important meetings and things on my to-do list. I'm hoping that after this week I will feel more comfortable with my financial situation and future. Ugh, decisions and meetings that I never wish I had to make or attend. Still seems like a bad dream some days.

Thank you for all the prayers, emails and texts about today. I'm so blessed to have amazing friends that pray for me when I sometimes don't even have the words. I conquered something today....one of the many "firsts" that are headed my way. Even though it hurt, I survived. Jason would be proud.

Fall

2011-10-29T21:39:00.003-05:00

This was always Jason's favorite time of year. At the first mention of a cold front, he'd often ask me if I thought it was cold enough for him to wear a sweater. I'd smile at him and say "nice try".....I mean, didn't he realize we lived in Texas? We'd kind of joke around about that all fall because he would itch to pull out one of the many jackets he owned. So very sad that he's not here to enjoy the beautiful weather. I guess though when you compare this to where he is, there really is no comparison.

Earlier this week, I picked the boys up from school and Cooper's teacher mentioned that one of the dads in Cooper's class was the Watch Dog for the day. Jason had been the Watch Dog before and the boys were excited for him to do that again this year. The conversation came up in class and Cooper realized that his dad wasn't going to be able to do it. She immediately switched the focus and asked if he had a grandpa that could come. Thankfully he got excited at the thought of that and didn't seem to be sad about it. Don't you love how kids are so easily distracted? In the car, I fought back the tears as Cooper told me that T's dad was the Watch Dog and I hated the fact that his dad would never be able to do that for him. Breaks my heart.

On Friday I decided to take my car to get the oil changed. I was over in my mileage and it really needed to be done. While driving there, I realized that I've never gotten the oil changed in my car during my entire married life. Jason always did that for me. We definitely had our "roles" and ways of taking care of each other. This was one of the ways he took care of me. While I was waiting, one of the guys came and got me and wanted to show me something. He proceeds to list a few things that really needed to be done. Seriously? This information and these choices sent me into a silent panic. Were they trying to take advantage of me? Could they tell I had no idea what they were talking about? Would Jason have done any of these things if he had been the one taking it in that day? Of course my first thought was that I want to keep my car safe for my family. But, I do hear stories of places like this trying to up sell women. I caved and had them do some fuel injection flush but honestly didn't have time for the transmission flush because I had an eye appt right after. So, $100 later my car was ready. I started crying when I was paying. I felt like such an idiot for crying. I couldn't even look at the guy checking me out. I walked out and felt bad because I wondered if I made him feel bad for offering me all those things. It just really hit me that these "roles" are now mine and it's brand new territory for me. As much as I don't want to do or learn these things......I have to. It wasn't so much about the oil change as it was that I no longer have someone to take care of me. And equally as sad that I don't have anyone to take care of. (other than my boys of course)

Tonight we carved our pumpkins. Well, sort of. In the past, we have always painted our pumpkins at the beginning of October and then waited until a few days before Halloween to carve them. Somehow in the fog of the first week of Jason's death, I managed to purchase and have the boys paint their pumpkins. I'm a big believer in traditions and I'm shocked that I was able to even think about that 2 weeks ago. Anyways, the boys were wanting to carve them tonight but I honestly didn't have it in me to do the whole enchilada. Typically the boys would all search online until each one found a template they liked. We would print them off, tape them on and Jason would begin carving. Since the boys are so young, we would always allow them to help take the guts out but Jason always did the cutting. Once the insides were all removed, I would start working at the sink to separate the stringy goo from the seeds. Then I'd season them and pop them into the oven. Jason loved roasted pumpkin seeds. I somehow managed to skip the "template" stage with them tonight and we just spent lots of time with our hands inside the pumpkin. They loved pulling the goo out and thankfully that satisfied them. I fought the urge to cry the entire time. Our first holiday without him. It just wasn't the same.

My dad is here this weekend so the house doesn't feel quite as quiet as it does when it's just the 3 of us. Amazing how just another body can fill the void somewhat. He's been working on a list of some things that needed to be fixed so I'm thankful that my honey-do list will be completed in the next day or so.

I've had a couple other ladies that have lost a spouse reach out to me through email or facebook messages. As much as I don't want to be a part of this "club" I know it will be great for me to talk to someone that actually understands. I am thankful that they have taken the time to share their stories and offer me help. I really think that I am ready and need to start counseling for myself soon. Even though we are doing the family thing starting in Dec. I feel that I need something a little more personal. This week I hope to find someone and get something booked. I'm finding that I'm keeping a lot to myself.

Tomorrow, I hope to make it to church for the first time since Jason died. I'm really dreading it though. Seeing people and talking about it makes it more real each and every time. I know I won't be able to keep my emotions at bay. Once I start to cry, it's all over. I know it will be good for me........and good for others because there are so many people that I know want to see me. I can't put it off forever. Say a little prayer for me please.

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." Phillippians 4:13

21 days

2011-10-26T08:37:00.002-05:00

How has it been 21 days since I last kissed him, hugged him, spoke to him, loved on him.....? It honestly feels like a lifetime ago. I've often heard of people saying that they separate their lives into the "before the death" and "after the death" and feel that they have lived 2 different lives. I get it now. All I know is my life "before the death" and this second part is completely new ground for me. I'm amazed that I've survived 21 days so far. Doesn't sound like much time but it's huge in my book. I was questioning whether I'd survive 21 minutes that first day. God sure is taking my hand and leading me. I have no idea where we are going but all I know is that he is in control. He always has been.

I'm starting a pretty good collection of books on grief. I've had a few sweet friends mail me books that they have heard are good. Some are for me and some are for the boys. I'm looking forward to starting them soon. My mind continues to function at about half the capacity as it once did. At least that's how I feel anyways. My brain has been so scattered since all this happened. I can't tell you how many times I've been driving and all of a sudden I think to myself "now where was I going again?" I can have a conversation with someone and 10 minutes later I can't even remember what we talked about. This is driving me crazy. I know it's par for the course but I really feel all over the place right now. So, I haven't tackled any books just yet. I really don't think I'd comprehend anything at this point so I'm putting that on hold for a bit.

I happened to reread one of my first posts and discovered an error I made in my writing. (see, scattered brain again!) I mentioned something about making sure you had a will. While I do think it's super smart to have one, what I really meant to say was that you really need to have LIFE INSURANCE. You would not believe how many young families have told me that they either don't have any or that it's very limited in the amount. Sure, no one likes to pay those monthly premiums but let me tell you how thankful I am that we chose to make those payments each month. I can't imagine the added stress I'd feel if we didn't have any and I felt that I had to go get 4 jobs tomorrow in order to keep afloat. So, there are my 2 cents for the day. Go get life insurance today. Not tomorrow. You may not be given another day.

Yesterday I had my security system reconfigured and armed again. A couple of years ago we had some issues with a couple of the windows in our bedroom. The wires were off and it caused the alarm to go off for no reason. Instead of having it fixed at that time, we decided to just cancel the alarm system. We were naive in thinking that our neighborhood was safe (which it is) and that we know our neighbors (which we do) so it just wasn't a top priority for us. They came out yesterday and got everything fixed and working again. I do have piece of mind now......I just pray that this thing never goes off. I know I'm a big girl and all but I can honestly say that I doubt I'll ever get used to being the only adult in this house and that sleeping alone will never feel right to me.

I'm so thankful that I have a home......not just a house but one that has developed into a home full of love and memories. While this brings comfort to my life it also brings pain with it. This is the first and only house we have had together. We started building it the week we got back from our honeymoon. Two young "kids" making decisions like what color grout we wanted and the shape of the doorknobs for the doors. I look around and see so much of Jason in this house. It's a mixed blessing really. So thankful for it yet it's hard to look around and realize he isn't coming back. His car is still parked outside. My intentions are to soon get rid of it but for now it's still here. Yesterday I was out running errands and I turned around the corner and was about to pull into my driveway when I caught a glimpse of his car and for a split second had the "oh, he's home" feeling. Huge punch in the gut. There are still times throughout the day when I have to tell/remind myself that he's really gone. You'd think after 21 days I'd get it now but there is still a part of me that doesn't want it to be true.

"Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always" Psalm 105:4

A new day

2011-10-24T20:43:00.004-05:00

I've said it before but I'll say it again......I really have no idea how people that don't believe in God and heaven get through something like this. I can't tell you how many times a day I try to picture what heaven is like. I wonder what happened the moment Jason's soul left his body. This is a topic I hope to research and educate myself on better once things settle down a bit. In the meantime, what I do know about heaven gives me great peace and hope.

Our second night as a family of 3 went better than last night. It might have helped that we spent a good amount of the afternoon at the park- enjoying the beautiful weather. The boys ran and played, they chased ducks, they climbed rocks......for a brief moment they were 5 and 8 without a care in the world. I called in Chilis to go and brought it home. I allowed them to watch the new Clone Wars season 3 DVD that they just got while we ate. It's not something Jason and I would typically allow but it filled the void that I didn't have the mental energy to deal with tonight. I think I needed some distraction from the obvious and it seemed that the boys welcomed it as well. They were tired from a long day and neither fussed when it was time for bed.

Hudson started pressing hard with some details of Jason's death. Did I see his surgery? Did I see him die? Where is he buried? When can we see his grave site? These are some tough questions for me because unfortunately the answers really suck. There are details that I feel are too specific for his sweet, innocent little heart. My boys have no idea that their daddy was cremated. It will be years I'm sure before I am able to have that conversation with them. In the meantime, I hope/plan to skate over the details and remain very vague about it. Please pray that Hudson will accept my answers and not press further. I don't like lying to him about it. I'm just protecting him right now. I'm at a loss really on what the best thing to say or do with these questions. Hopefully once we start counseling, I can get some insight on how to handle this.

I continue to be humbled by the sweet friends that check in on me daily. I get numerous texts, emails and Facebook messages with friends (or even people that don't know me) checking in or telling me they still pray. Friends, I can't tell you how much that means to me. It's wonderful to know that Jason isn't forgotten and that people still care that the boys are I are hurting. Thank you so much for loving us!

This past weekend, the boys went camping with Jason's stepdad. They had a blast and it was a great distraction for them. My mom and I went to Granbury for the weekend to get away. A change of scenery was nice for me. It helped me let my guard down a bit since I was in a town where I didn't know anyone. The last week or so I've been a bit paranoid. I feel that everyone knows my story (even though they don't) and that makes me feel really uncomfortable. I have no idea why I feel this way. If you know me, then you know that I HATE to be the center of attention. I hate eyes on me. I like to blend in with everyone else. This experience has definitely put the focus on me and the boys. While I'm thankful in so many ways, it's also brought about some uncomfortable feelings as far as the attention thing goes. So, being in a town where I didn't have a chance to run into anyone I knew was good for me.

I'm so thankful for down time. My boys are both in school and this allows me time during the day to just be. Last night was so emotional for me so today was spent doing a lot of nothing. I am grateful that I have this alone time right now and I acknowledge that some are not given this luxury. This allows me time to cry, think, pray, rest or whatever I need to do so that when 3:00 comes, I am able to get my boys and put the happy face on. I can't imagine if I had a baby to take care of at this moment. I sometimes feel it's a challenge to just take care of myself. Thank you Lord for allowing me time during the day to take care of me so that the rest of the day can be spent taking care of them.

I'm working on how to balance out the emotions I let the boys see. I want them to see me cry. I believe it shows them that crying is okay. It's a must actually. However, I don't want to over do it because then they worry. My sweet boys worry about me and I can tell Hudson gets upset when he sees me cry. It's definitely something I am working on and paying attention to. There are moments in the mornings when I just lose it.....but I'm able to hide it by pretending to look for something in a closet or turn my head while I pack lunches. I miss kissing Jason before he leaves for work and I miss the reassurance that he will be home again in the evening. I miss my former life.

"For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you." Isaiah 41:13

Today I Feel......

2011-10-23T20:21:00.002-05:00

* Overwhelmed. The thought of being a single parent and doing everything on my own completely overwhelms me. I never thought I'd be doing this alone. Jason and I both come from divorced families and it's one thing we talked about a LOT before getting married. We would do it once. For better or worse. No exceptions. Yet here I find myself, 35 years old with the weight of the world on my shoulders. Even though I'm blessed with so many family members and friends that are willing to help, at the end of the day it's up to ME to raise these boys.

* Scared. Completely scared about my life. While I pray daily and ask God to take care of the boys and me, the unknown really scares me. It's super easy to quote all the scriptures and ramble on about how God is in control, it's a different thing all together when it's your life that has been turned upside down. It's a weird thing because at times I do feel that God has me in the palm of his hands. Sometimes I feel lost at sea and really uncertain about my future. If you know me, you know that change is really hard for me. I've never experienced a change this big and it scares me.

* Cheated. Yep, I feel cheated. You see, 11.5 years ago when I said "I do" I had plans of a long life with Jason. We had dreams. We have things that we talked about doing that we will never get to do together. Even though Jason is in heaven (and I'm really happy for him) , I feel cheated that I'm left here....consumed by the feelings of being overwhelmed and scared and alone.

* Sad. Sounds kind of obvious but I am just that. Sad. I don't know that there is ever a good time to lose someone but the holidays have always been such a fun and special time for our family. I'd love to just fast forward the next 2 months. I know that wouldn't be fair to the boys but just thinking about getting Christmas things out just about sends me over the edge. How can I bear to wake up on Christmas morning without him here? That's when I remind myself that I can't think that far down the road. It's literally hour by hour around here. Just thinking about tomorrow makes me panic.

* Tired. I'm not sleeping great. I manage to fall asleep pretty fast but I am having really weird dreams. Although I don't really remember them when I wake up, I do think most of them are about Jason and are medical. I tend to wake up well before my alarm goes off and I'm just exhausted. Physically, mentally and emotionally.

Tonight was our first night to eat dinner here, just the 3 of us. A sweet friend from church brought us dinner. I was getting our plates made and I asked Hudson to please get 3 forks and napkins out and on the table. He said "why not 4?" We just kind of stared at each other. The empty seat at the dinner table was like the elephant in the room. We were all trying to avoid looking at it. This does not seem right. I hate the number 3.

After brushing teeth and getting ready for bed, I sent Hudson in his room to practice spelling on the laptop while I was putting Cooper down. I asked him to choose a book and he went to his bookshelf and chose his scrapbook from his 3's preschool class. My heart sank the minute he handed it to me. There is a "daddy and me" page and I was dreading it. Mid way through the book, we got to that page and we both looked at the huge picture of Jason and Cooper. I watched Cooper's expression and saw the sadness in his eyes, I begged the Lord to please help me be strong. I wanted to yell at him for taking him from us but I managed to keep it together. While tucking him in and saying prayers, Cooper started to talk about how much he misses his dad. He has a harder time verbalizing his emotions but tonight he was able to express his feelings. The other day he told me that he was worried that something would happen to the rest of our family. He said he was scared I would die. I can't even properly put into words the pain this causes me. This only adds to the fears I have. I am so worried/scared about my physical health and safety. I'm the only parent left. Did I mention that I'm overwhelmed?

Hudson has said on several occasions that he wants to die so he can go to heaven. He doesn't say this in a suicidal way. He just knows that the only way to see Jason is to get to heaven. I don't blame him. I feel the same way (in a non suicidal way)

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

Still Here

2011-10-20T19:00:00.002-05:00

I've made some good ground on the "business" front and feel like my to-do list is getting shorter and shorter each day. I'm feeling less overwhelmed now that I'm getting some things in order. A huge answer to prayers: they allowed me to get the contents of the safety deposit box on Wednesday. The old saying "it's all who you know" is so true. If it had not been for one sweet Branch Manager making a call to the other Chase location, I am pretty sure my documents would still be there. They would not allow me to take Jason's birth certificate though, which I thought was random, but I decided to not argue with that one since I'll probably never have a need for it. Unfortunately, everyone is interested in seeing a death certificate and I've yet had anyone ask me for his birth certificate. So, I took everything and left it behind. Huge weight lifted off my shoulders.

The boys are trucking along, although I do see some changes in both of them. Hudson tends to get really quiet, especially around bedtime. I can tell that his mind drifts off to Jason and he gets sad. He's been asking some pretty tough questions......questions that I don't really have answers for. I can't even put into words how hard it is to hear your child cry and beg for their daddy. To even say "rips your heart out" is an understatement. I'm a fixer. I want to fix things for them and this is something that I simply can not fix. Last night he asked me why daddy can't call us from heaven. Cooper is crazy emotional. Seriously, this child is breaking down all the time. It's really sending me over the edge since my emotional state is obviously less than where it usually is. He gets weepy, is throwing fits and cries at the drop of a hat. I know he is processing this death in his own way so I'm trying hard to be patient for him. Most times when he gets upset, there is very little I can do to console him. I'm exhausted most evenings just trying to keep him at bay. Please continue to pray for these sweet boys. They have lost something so precious to them. Jason was a very involved dad so this is making it that much harder.

As for me, I continue to have a mixture of feelings throughout the day. Early mornings are by far the worst for me. I wake up and my heart immediately pounds almost out of my chest. I instantly realize this is not a dream. It's my life, my reality. Thankfully I have a hundred things to do right after I get up so my morning does not usually allow for time to sit and think. My mom is still here with me, helping me finish things up. I've only spent one night alone (my choice) so I do understand that the full reality has not hit me yet. Evenings come and I'm so tired that I usually fall asleep pretty quick. I'm thankful for that.

I often feel God speaking to me. It's weird....I will randomly start singing some church song in my head and then I really focus on the words. It's like God is telling me something. I try to find comfort and view this as a "conversation" between me and God.

Family and friends continue to be such an amazing support system for me. Every day I'm blown away at how many people love our family. Jason had NO idea how much he was loved. I think that is so very sad. Honestly, I think we are all guilty of not showing or telling people how much we really love them. This has shown me to make sure I tell people how special they are to me. We never know if or when we will get the chance to do that. Go tell someone how special they are to you!

Blessed

2011-10-17T16:22:00.003-05:00

Trying to find blessings in all of this mess. All day today, I've tried to think about ways I've been blessed since Jason died. Here are some things that come to mind:

if Jason had not taken himself to the hospital that day, he would have more than likely come home and died in front of us. I can't even wrap my brain around that and how much worse that would have been for us.

right when I got to the hospital, Jason and I had some time to talk. We talked, prayed, hugged and kissed..... we had that final conversation that noone should have to have. I have a ton of peace because of things that were spoken that day. So thankful that "I love you" was the last thing we got to say to each other

Jason was able to call the boys before going into surgery. While he kept it lighthearted (I honestly think he felt he would survive) he was able to tell them that he loved them and was proud of them. I know that many people don't get that chance.

We never had to watch him suffer. I hear of stories all the time where people are forced to watch their loved one wither away and suffer. While the shock of how fast this all happened was a huge blow, I can honestly say I'm thankful that he didn't suffer.

Family- Jason and I have great families that are helping me in ways that only they can.

Friends- we are blessed with amazing friends. I can't even begin to tell you all the ways that I've been blessed. We have had people mow our grass, bring us food, raise money for medical bills, etc......

Strangers- I've been contacted by people that I don't even know telling me how much they are praying for our family. I'm very touched by this.

Prayers- I know without a doubt that prayers are the only thing that has carried me up to this point.

I'm thankful for 12.5 years together. While I feel our time was cut short, I know that some people don't even get that together.

I'm thankful for grace and the promise of Heaven one day. I am so extremely happy for Jason. He doesn't have to work, he won't ever be sick, or worried or scared.

I got a card in the mail the other day and I loved what the front said: Hope is like the sun, which, as we journey towards it, casts a shadow of our burden behind us.

the circus and stuff

2011-10-15T10:37:00.002-05:00

Most of yesterday was spent taking care of business type things. I won't go into a ton of details here but basically Jason had a safety deposit box (that was free each month as part of the premium checking account he had) and Chase will not let me have the contents of the box. It took several hours to be granted permission to even search the box but nothing could be removed. Every original important document we own is in there- birth certificates, titles to our cars, SS cards, passports, etc..... Because I didn't go with Jason when he opened it up, I'm not listed on the account. Even though the checking account clearly lists me as the beneficiary, I have no rights at this point. Please pray that this situation can be resolved soon. I will have to meet with a probate lawyer to get this resolved. A few of those documents are needed really soon since I have some meetings that will require them. To say this is frustrating is a huge understatement.

Call me weird but I've always been drawn to stories where someone has lost a spouse. When you are in the blog world people often share blog addresses while asking for prayers and lots of times I would bookmark those blogs and check in on them from time to time. I would read and get wrapped up in their pain, in their stories. I probably have 5-6 still bookmarked on my computer in the study of men and women that lost a spouse. I can't help but wonder if God had me do that intentionally. Did he want me to see and hear their pain so that today I could know that what I'm feeling is normal? Did he want me to see that families are still putting one foot in front of the other and actually making it? Was he trying to show me that there is hope? I do know that no matter how well I listened to their story, I never could imagine the amount of hurt they were feeling. You can't even begin to describe it.
********************************************************************************

Mom and I took a break while the lady at Chase was trying to figure out if I could even go in and take a look at the contents of the box. We stayed close and ran into Panara Bread to eat really fast. I ran into a mom and daughter that I knew several years ago- the daughter was in the class I student taught in and the mom paid me for almost a year to private tutor her daughter. That sweet second grader is now all grown up and a beautiful college student. Wonderful to see them but depressing that I had to quickly recap my last week to them because they wanted to know what had been going on in my life. About 5 minutes later, I saw a former teacher that I taught school with right when I began teaching. I didn't know her well- she taught kinder while I taught second grade but she seemed like a super sweet person. I eventually left that school and lost touch with her. I've always thought about her though because she lost her teen daughter the same day I had Hudson. They were driving together when a drunk driver caused them to lose control of the car. I remember 8.5 years ago feeling so guilty because I was rejoicing while she was heartbroken. Every March on or around Hudson's birthday I've thought and prayed for her because I imagined how hard that time of year was for her. She had heard about Jason and came over to hug me and talk for a few minutes. We talked about the pain, the shock, the waves of emotions you feel when someone dies. She then began to tell me about her son who is married and his wife just had their third child. His wife was diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer while pregnant with this third child. They began treaments and took the baby a little early but thankfully the baby is doing well. All of a sudden, I asked her some details (are their names this, did they work and live here,etc......) and made the quick realization that I had stumbled somehow on her son's church website where they were giving updates on his wife. I had bookmarked this site and almost every day since I found it I would look for updates and pray for this sweet family. I thought this was so weird that this ended up being her son. Crazy small world. But how wonderful is this blog world where we can share our lives and pray for each other? I know that many have stumbled on mine and are praying for us. Thank you for that. I know that running into this old friend today was not just by chance. God once again is showing me that their is hope and people do survive.

We took the boys to the circus last night. A friend of Jason's gave us box seats last year and again this year. The boys were really excited to go again. It was wonderful to see the smiles and excitment in their eyes. They continue to do so well. I couldn't help but look around and watch all the sweet families there. I had to wonder- do they even know how lucky they are? I think back to just 11 days ago. Did I know how lucky I was?

another day

2011-10-13T16:07:00.003-05:00

Shock is wearing off. Reality is setting in. Ugh, not ready for the stages of grief that are headed my way. Someone told me today that I'd soon be entering the mad stage. I've had bouts of questioning- wondering why God didn't answer my plea- but I can honestly say that I'm not mad. Not yet anyways. I really pray that I never get there. I don't want bitterness in my heart.

Every day since Jason died we have had a list a mile long of things to do. Today was no different. I look forward to the weekend, when I can't make phone calls or take care of "business." I really need a day to just be. I've been fortunate to have an amazing support system and people like my sister to take charge and make phone calls or do things that I haven't had the energy to do.

We've had so many people offer to bring us meals. What a lifesaver! Last night we didn't have anyone signed up to come so mom and I decide to order a pizza. Jason and I have always ordered from Mr. Jims. We live really close to one and for the last 11 years, Jason and I have been pretty regular customers. We don't eat out a ton but we would often let Friday nights be a night off in the kitchen for me and just enjoy a pizza. Most of the time, Jason would call it in on his way home and pick it up before he got here. This particular Mr. Jims is owned (or managed) by a really nice guy named Todd. Probably about the same age as Jason. They would talk and shoot the breeze and pretty much every time he would come home with pizza he would tell me that Todd would say "hey Jason" and they would talk. This always made Jason feel good that they recognized him and knew him by name. So, I called in the pizza and went to the drive-thru to pick it up. They came to the window and handed me the pizza. I handed him some cash but the guy wouldn't take it. He said "its the least we could do." I noticed Todd standing behind him and these guys stared at me with such sadness. They knew about Jason's death. Such a small gesture but it really touched me. Once again showing me how Jason touched so many people even in the smallest of situations.

I didn't sleep well last night. I had all kinds of weird and crazy dreams. Today I'm exhausted. I had zero appetite this morning and all day I've dreaded the call from the funeral home. Mom and I made a run to the grocery store and ran a few errands and then made the dreaded trip. I filled out a few forms and then was handed a reusable shopping bag. Inside, were the keepsake urns and the ashes. I couldn't even reach my hand out to grab the bag. My mom carried it for me and we walked in complete silence back to the car. So hard to realize that my 6 foot husband was inside that bag. So surreal. And so unfair.

I've had several people tell me that they were so touched by Jason's service. These people have sent me private messages just telling me that they were inspired to be better because of him. That makes my heart so happy. At least I don't feel that this was for nothing. The other day I had someone say something like "why couldn't God have taken a deadbeat dad or someone that abused his wife instead of taking an amazing person like Jason?" My response was "because very few people would have cared and lives would not have been changed." I have to tell myself that good will somehow come from this.

I've seen God's hand all over our family in regards to this situation.......even long before Jason's death.

This time last fall, we put our house on the market. Jason was working far and had a really long commute. He was getting home late and our family time was suffering because of it. We didn't really want to move but thought we should at least try to get closer. We listed our house, had tons of showings, lots of great feedback but no offers. We decided to pull it off the market around the holidays so that we could enjoy ourselves and not worry about the condition of the house all the time. We said we would relist it in February or so. In the spring, Jason got a new job......one that is 7 miles from our house. At the time we were so thankful our house never sold. I'm SOOO thankful it didn't sell because this is the only house we've had together and we've created a life here. We have good neighbors, a church home, a wonderful school for the kids. All of those things would have changed if we had moved. God watched over our family and made sure we stayed put. He was protecting me.

About a month ago, Jason decided he was ready for a new car. He was ready to trade in the 10 year old Accord and get something newer. We found "the car of his dreams" and went to Dallas to look at it. He fell in love immediately and we bought it that day. It had been a lease car and they had just gotten it the day before. It needed to be detailed and had a few scratches on the outside that they were willing to fix for us. They allowed us to take the car home over the weekend and we planned to drop it off on Monday for a day or two so that they could make it brand new for us. We drove the car back on Monday and on our way there I noticed that the inspection sticker was going to expire in about 2 weeks. Jason asked them if they could take care of it, which they happily agreed to. On Tues, Jason got a call that the car didn't pass inspection and there were some pretty big electrical issues. We talked about it and ultimately he didn't feel good about it so we backed out of making the purchase final. We decided we'd keep looking until we found another just like it. Wow, God was protecting me that day. Both of our cars are currently paid for. If we had bought this car, I would have been stuck with a huge car payment and a painful reminder of a car he had dreamed of for a long time that he never got the chance to enjoy. Thank you Lord for that protection.

In the early summer, I was wanting to plan another vacation for our family. We had taken the boys to San Diego back in March for their birthdays and had a blast at Legoland, the San Diego Zoo and California in general. I knew since we had just done a big trip that Jason probably wouldn't be up for us doing anything during the summer. I got online and starting looking at a cruise in December. I proposed the idea and he thought it sounded good but needed to check with work first. He came home the next day or so and told me that work was discouraging people from taking vacation during Nov and Dec because of tax season. He said "let's plan something before school starts back for the boys." I got online and started looking for places we could go at the last minute, a place that was within driving distance, and somewhere we had never been before. I decided on Gulf Shores- we had a blast at the beach and even stayed at a campsite one night. It was a wonderful trip........our last family trip. So thankful that God orchestrated that for us. Lots of amazing memories were made that week.

I'm avoiding the closet. When I absolutely have to go in there, I sort of set my eyes towards the left and look directly at my things. I can't bear to see all his shirts hanging up and all the things that were placed there by him. On the floor is the white bag from the hospital that contains the last set of clothes he ever wore. I guess I'll know when I'm ready to go in there and face all that.

The boys are continuing to do well. Cooper seems to be much more emotional than he normally is but they haven't had any huge cry sessions over the death in the last few days. I tend to analyze this. Is it because we've kept them so busy? Is it because they still don't fully get it? Probably a little of both. I'm so scared that the boys will forget him. Especially Cooper. He's 5.5 and it breaks my heart to think he might not ever remember his dad. I'm going to try my best to keep his memory alive. We talk about him every single day and always will.

I booked an appointment for Dec for us to attend an orientation at a nearby grief center. They have evening therapy session for families (kids attend one while parents attend another) and I've heard great things about this place. While I can't say I'm excited about it, I can say that I'm happy to get the boys into something so that I make sure they are coping and that I'm helping them heal.

"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid" John 14:27

So thankful for sweet friends that send me verses when I don't have the strength to search.

Hello

2011-10-12T19:18:00.002-05:00

It's been a long time since I've blogged. Life sure has changed a lot since my last post. In case you've never read my blog before: Hi, I'm Jennifer.......wife to Jason and mom to Hudson and Cooper. My husband, Jason, passed away a week ago today. I guess this will serve as my form of "therapy" for a while. My sister encouraged my oldest son to journal his thoughts so today I decided to do the same for myself.

I don't have the emotional energy tonight to go into detail of my husband's death. I will though, just so that I can walk myself through those 2 days and fully process everything that happened. For now, I'll just start with today.

Today (like all the others) has been a mixture of emotions. One minute I feel such peace. Peace that I know only comes from God. The next minute I feel so completely overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that I have 2 sons to raise. Happy. Happy that my husband is in heaven. Jealous. Jealous that my husband is in heaven. Pissed. Pissed that my husband is in heaven. See the roller coaster ride of emotions? This has been what the last 7 days have been like for me.

Yesterday I spent some time with my financial planner. Let me first say this: IF YOU DO NOT HAVE A WILL, GET ONE TODAY. I can't even fathom how overwhelmed I would be if Jason and I had not had a will. DO NOT put it off. My husband was 40, in the best shape of his life, did not smoke, exercised 3 times a week and weighed 177 pounds when he died. I cooked almost every meal we ate. We ate very healthy. There were no warning signs. This too could be your reality.

Today I spent some time making phone calls to various companies to have Jason's name removed from our accounts. This has been extremely painful. I feel like I'm erasing him from our family. I don't want just my name there. We've been married for over 11 years and it's always been Jason and Jennifer. How in the world did I get here?

The early morning and late at night are the hardest for me. In the morning, my eyes open and my heart immediately begins to pound out of my chest. This is not a dream. This is my reality, my living nightmare. The daytime has been somewhat bearable......one because my mom is here but also because I'm kind of use to being alone or doing my own thing during the day since I'm a stay at home mom. Evenings are hard. This is when Jason would come home and things were whole. We would eat dinner together. Talk. The boys would all wrestle. Build Lego's. Make memories. Jason and I would take turns each night with the boys. One night I'd put Cooper down while Jason put Hudson down and the next night we'd flip flop. We would read, talk and pray with the boys. It gave us some alone time with each of them. I'm so thankful that we had that routine but again, overwhelmed that now it's just me. Once my mom leaves, I try to envision what my nights after the boys go to bed will look like. I feel my blood pressure rising at the thought of it. I always told Jason that I never slept good when he wasn't home. And that was the truth. But I would tell him how wonderful it was to have the entire bed to myself and to not listen to his snoring.....but I'd endure constant snoring and no part of the bed to have him back. Weird that some of the things that annoyed me are the things I miss most.

The funeral guy called me today. Really sweet guy but he started the conversation out "hello, the cremation has been done and the urns are ready to be picked up." Sorry, but this sent me into full on cry mode. Although I was comfortable with the choice to cremate (we discussed this prior to his death) it still hurt really bad to hear the words that it had taken place. One more thing to remind me that this is real.

The boys have had their moments (usually morning and night like me) but I would say that today was a good day for them. They started back to school on Tuesday and I can't even begin to say how awesome the staff has been to us. When we first met the boys' teachers, Jason and I felt so good about them. It just felt right. I 100% know that God's hand was all over the placement in the classes. They are both amazing and are loving on my boys when I can't be there. Hudson's class put a HUGE basket together with Lego kits, star wars stuff, books, movies, treats and a sweet book about what the students loved about him. They were so excited to get home and open it up. It was really the first time in the last week that I saw and heard the normal laughs and smiles.

All day, I've had the words from the song "No Tears in Heaven" playing around in my head. It was one of the songs we sang at his service and one that I picked because it gives me great peace to know that there are no tears there. He isn't sad. If given the chance, he wouldn't come back and I honestly wouldn't expect him too. I've always known that this is not our home and that we really are just passing through. This past week has made that more evident to me. I just wish this had been his home a little longer.

2010-06-25T14:57:00.003-05:00

Our second week of summer was pretty lazy since the first week we were getting up early for music camp. Lots of hanging out, playing outside and getting wet.

Running through the splash pad. Cooper was unsure at first.

These boys could play with the water hose for hours if I'd let them. Looking forward to a fun summer!

Fish Tales Music Camp

2010-06-25T14:52:00.002-05:00

During our first week of summer, Hudson participated in the music camp at our church. This year it was called Fish Tales and it was super cute. The first day or two, he wasn't so sure. He isn't a huge fan of being up on stage so it did take him a bit to get used to the idea.

A few of the boys did a little solo dance act and he did a cute job. I was shocked when they told me that he agreed to do it. I think the skeleton shirt convinced him!

End of First Grade

2010-06-17T11:05:00.002-05:00

I can't believe that this year is over. Hudson has grown and changed so much this year!

On the last day of school, the kids got to bring a game from home to play with. Hudson was excited to take his new Lego game.

Swim Lessons and Water Fun

2010-06-17T11:01:00.003-05:00

The boys have been so excited to get the Slip and Slide out.

Cooper put his own shoes on. Guess we need to work on this over the summer.

At the end of May, the boys both took swim lessons. I was amazed at how well they did. Neither of them are great swimmers yet but both feel so much more comfortable in the water and Hudson will actually put his head under which is HUGE. We plan to do another round or so later in the summer.

Mother's Day

2010-06-17T10:52:00.006-05:00

For Mother's Day, we went to church with our moms and then out to eat at El Chico. I got to spend the rest of the day with my mom- going to a movie, the mall, and dinner. It's our yearly tradition and I'm so blessed to have such an amazing mom!

One of Hudson's new gadgets-

Relaxing after a long day.

Strawberry Picking and Ranger Game

2010-06-17T10:44:00.006-05:00

In Early May, we headed to the strawberry field to pick some strawberries. If you know my Hudson, then you know that he could eat his weight in strawberries. The boys had so much fun picking them.

Looking for just the right ones.

Love my boys!

Brotherly love.

A hunting they will go........

Jason and Hudson.

Jason and I got the chance to go to the Ranger game with his work and we had a good time. We had amazing box seats.

Shaving Cream Fun

2010-06-17T10:39:00.002-05:00

Back in January, the boys had some shaving cream fun. It was cold out, they were bored, so I decided to pull out the shaving cream and let them play.

Making prints of their hands.....writing their name.........drawing pictures.

Simple pleasures!

Hudson's voice amplifier

2010-01-11T17:00:00.003-06:00

This kid cracks me up!

Fanboy and Interview with Hudson

2010-01-03T19:15:00.003-06:00

What can I say? Now that I've figured this video thing out I guess I'm a bit addicted to it.

Anyone out there have kids that watch Fanboy & Chum Chum? My boys stumbled on it a couple of weeks ago and they LOVE it. Jason and I think it's funny because it usually has some sort of adult humor or imitation of a well known movie. It's clean, so that's the best part for me. Unless you count the "Precious Pig" episode..... and that's another story! (let's just say that there was a ton of tooting going on and howling from all 3 of my boys, husband included! They kept rewinding it. ) I must admit that the opening song is pretty catchy and it's hilarious to watch the boys dance to it.

Here is a quick interivew with Hudson. See what I mean? .......always electricity and cords on the brain!

December Fun

2010-01-03T14:44:00.018-06:00

December was a fun month for us! Here are a few highlights:

Hudson and his dad constructed the tin can robot from the kit he got for Christmas.
With my hubby on Christmas Day.

Cheese!

Opening gifts at Mimi's house. Snap circuits......just what he wanted.

This boy loves cars and trains!

The hat that he saw in Disney. Aunt Pearl was so nice to go back and get it for him.

Christmas morning at our house.......checking out what Santa left us.

Hudson was so excited about his air compressor.

The large Lego blocks. The boys have played with them a ton already!

Our cookies and milk for Santa.

Santa came to visit at Grammy's house on Christmas Eve. It's been a tradition since I was a little girl.

Playing in the snow. Daddy helping the boys build a snowman.

Hudson was curious what snow tasted like.

Hudson had a Christmas party at his school. They got to play lots of fun games. He was trying to unwrap a piece of candy while wearing thick gloves. It was harder than you might think.

Making bell/bead necklaces.

With some friends.

I turned 34 on December 17th. Hudson had a program at school that night but my mom and sister took me out to eat afterwards. Cheesecake Factory= Yum-O!

Our yearly girls-only dinner with college friends. Of course we love getting together with our kids but we also treasure the time alone to catch up and laugh. I'm so blessed to have these girls in my life!

My handsome boys.

Freezing at the tree lighting ceremony.

Grammy let us borrow her big Frosty- who happens to sing and dance. The boys enjoyed him all month long.

In the Christmas tree box.

Grammy and Papa had the grand kids over to decorate the grand kid tree.

Abigail and Annabelle

Colton and McKenzie

Cousins!

Grammy helping Cooper hang an ornament way up high.

I am kind of sad to see December and Christmas go, but I'm also ready to get back into a routine again! Until next year.......

Christmas Morning Video

2010-01-01T21:02:00.005-06:00

Five minutes of cuteness from my kids on Christmas morning. Mostly for the grandparents, as I'm sure the rest of you will be bored to tears!

Video Post

2010-01-01T20:45:00.004-06:00

This was the boys first carousel ride!

December

2010-01-01T19:32:00.010-06:00

Wow, not a great month to have your camera/computer messed up! We had so much fun in December but I was unable to get the pictures downloaded and onto my computer. This was quite frustrating for me since I planned to blog each day to document our "25 Days of Christmas." So, looks like I'll just do a condensed version right now. (and unfortunately, now I've forgotten all 25....so it looks like you'll get 20 of my ideas!)

I made a list this year of some things that I for sure wanted to do this holiday season. December gets so busy and it's really easy to let the month pass by and you end up saying, "man, I sure wish we had done that." I took pictures of some activities, some I didn't, and some were on my other memory card that won't download. (sigh)

Anyway, here we go......

1. Play in the snow/build a snowman- this month has been unusually cold and snowy. The boys enjoyed playing and building a snowman.

2. Attend a Christmas program- Hudson had a Christmas program at school this year. They sang some super cute songs and we were so proud of Hudson for participating. He sang and did all the hand movements.

3. Read Christmas books by the tree- We didn't do this every night but pretty close. The boys loved to get into their jammies and then sit under the tree and listen to Christmas stories before bed time.

4. Get a Nativity Set- I'm embarrassed to say that I just turned 34 and I've never owned a nativity scene. We got the Fisher Price Little People set and the boys loved it! I know this will be a favorite every year.

5. Adopt an angel from the Angel Tree- We really feel it's important to show our boys that they are so blessed by all material things they have. We have talked to them about how there are other kids that don't have as much as we do and that it's so important to give back to those in need.

6. Make Christmas crafts and homemade ornaments- We made some homemade snowflakes (those pics were on my other card) and the boys enjoyed putting those on the tree this year. We had some other crafts that we did throughout the month as well.

7. Take a family picture by the tree- These should have been for our Christmas cards this year but since we were not able to get them downloaded, it didn't happen. I had to let that go and realize that it was out of my control and that it would be "okay" if it didn't get done.

8. Make a gingerbread house- Our Grammy is so nice because she offers to make the gingerbread house with the boys each year. She is much more patient than me when it comes to this activity.

9. Attend a local parade/festival- At the beginning of December, our town hosted a tree lighting ceremony and parade. It was freezing that night so we didn't stick around for all of the festivities but I think we will make this a yearly tradition too!

10. Pray for families as we get their card- This was something new for us this year. We didn't do it every night but we tried really hard to do them as we got them. Each day, we would pray for the families that mailed a card to us. We asked for God to bless them this coming year.

11. Make homemade Christmas Cookies- Jason was kind enough to do this with the boys on a night that I had to be gone. What a guy!

12. Write a letter to Santa.

13. Watch Christmas movies- we had our fair share this year. The boys enjoyed watching movies such as How the Grinch Stole Christmas, Home Alone, and Polar Express. Jason and I also watched our annual Christmas Vacation together after putting the boys to bed one evening.

14. Drive to see Christmas lights- My boys love this.....especially looking for the various blow-ups in the yards.

15. Play a game by the tree- Many evenings we turned the TV off and spent time by the tree playing games.

16. Advent countdown- each morning the boys would do the countdown calendar.

17. Elf on a Shelf- My boys LOVE to wake up each morning and find Cronko. He's always in a different place!

18. Talk more about the real reason for Christmas- This year our emphasis was much more on Jesus then gifts. Don't get me wrong, our kids made out like bandits between all the grandparents...but, we talked a lot more this year about the birth of our Savior.

19. Decorate the tree together- Let's be honest. This can be really frustrating with small kids. A majority of the ornaments were hung on the bottom of the tree (and on the same 3 branches) but luckily I was able to move them without them really noticing. It's all about the memories and experience, right?

20. Spend time with family- Jason and I are blessed with a big family and we made sure that we got to spend lots of time with each of them. Although the few days surrounding Christmas and Christmas Eve are nuts, we do try our best to spend quality time with everyone.

Cooper's Thanksgiving Feast

2009-12-01T22:08:00.004-06:00

Right before Thanksgiving, Cooper had a feast at his speech school. We got to go and watch the class and see what a typical morning looks like for the kids.

Cooper at circle time.

Singing songs with his sweet teacher.

Monkey boy is thankful for his family and Rudy (our dog).

And I'm thankful for such a sweet boy and for the ability to be home so that I can attend events like this at their school.

Hudson, Hudson, Hudson

2009-11-13T21:18:00.010-06:00

I know I've said it before and I'll continue to say it......Hudson cracks me up. I'm constantly in awe of the things that he comes up with and of his ability to see things from a different point of view. The other day he wrote his first letter of the season to Santa.

In case you can't read it: "Dear Santa, I want a motorized gearbox and a visible laser module."

Wow, Santa may have a hard time this year!

One day after school he spent a couple of hours on his "spooky carnival booth." I really wish pictures would do it justice but it just doesn't. He first poked tons of holes into the top of the box. He then pushed orange lights into each hole. He got the clear bag (that holds a newspaper) and tore it into strips to create the spooky cobweb look. The tissue box holds the bottom "door" closed. He then filled the bottom of the box with candy and treats. The idea was to stick your hands through the cobwebs without touching them. He was so proud of his creation.

With the lights on.

Playing school with Cooper. He was doing a circle map with him and trying to teach him new words.

After a few days he was tired of the Spooky Booth so he transformed his box into something else. You know those little ticket m*ncher m*chines at Ch*ch E. Che*ses? He cut slits into the side of his box and had me label them "paper, ticket, card."

He then got a long strip of tape and put it into the "ticket" slot. He reached his hand around to the inside of the box, pulled the tape in, and made the munching sound. It was priceless!

This "card" slot was for our old water park passes from this summer.

I've always loved my boys in j*mmies. They just look so sweet and cuddly! Hudson looks especially sweet in these ......... did I mention that I bought them for $3 at a local consignment sale and they look brand new? Score! Anyways, I could just about gobble him up right here.

Hudson goes to the library every Thursday with his class at school. I would love to just one time see the librarians face when Hudson walks up to the desk to check out. I'm sure by now that she's used to him and his interests but I assume that those first few weeks were humorous. While most first graders are checking out books like Thomas, Cat in the Hat, or Clifford the Red Dog......my son is checking out books on electricity, batteries, inventions and space exploration. He really has such a fascination for science.

The other day he told me that he played "leaf expert" at recess....by himself. Sweet boy. I pray all the time that he'll find a friend that likes the same thing as him. Fortunately, he's pretty clueless when it comes to social situations and peer pressure. He hasn't really caught on that most kids don't like what he likes. That's okay though. God has some amazing things planned for this boy.

Hudson is really adjusting well to school and I think he actually looks forward to it. That's a huge improvement from last year when we had daily battles in the morning to get him to school. He's learning so much and is doing great.

I thank God every day and night for this wonderful gift of a son. He teaches me and is such a joy to our family!

Leaves.....Leaves......Everywhere!

2009-11-13T21:02:00.009-06:00

We have absolutely loved the weather lately. I've tried to take the boys out as often as I can since we have no idea how long it will last. Yesterday, we went outside to the cul-de-sac and raked leaves in front of our neighbors house. The boys had a blast jumping in the leaf piles.

I think the pictures speak for themselves. We LOVE being outside on days like this.

Oops, can't forget the pumpkin carving pics

2009-11-09T09:08:00.004-06:00

A few nights before Halloween, we picked our biggest pumpkin to carve. Hudson requested a ghost design- so after a quick internet search for a template, we were ready to go.

We taped the paper onto the pumpkin. Can you tell that they are a tad excited?

Then we cut the top off and let the boys put their hands inside to feel the pulp.

They both had fun playing with the insides!

While the boys were busy carving away, I was prepping the pumpkin seeds for roasting. We heart roasted pumpkin seeds.

Our finished product.

Pumpkin Patch and Halloween

2009-11-05T16:04:00.009-06:00

Trick-or-Treating around the neighborhood

Shaggy and Scooby-Doo

On Halloween afternoon, we finally made it to the pumpkin patch. October was such a wet month and every time we had the chance to take the boys, it seemed that it was raining. Then we were on vacation and came home to two sick boys. I panicked when the days were dwindling for us to go but we managed to squeeze a trip in on Saturday. We love this place because the boys enjoy the train ride.

Happy Halloween!

Day 5 & 6

2009-10-29T20:47:00.006-05:00

On our last day, we drove over to Sapphire Beach. It's a really pretty beach (that's also free) and we had a good time there. By this point we were really not wanting this vacation to end. There was still so much we wanted to do and see but unfortunately, all good things must come to an end. We all agreed that if we had had another day, we would have for sure gone back to St. John. Guess we will just have to go back again one day!

The sunset at our hotel on our last night. So sad to be leaving!

The morning we left, there was a cruise ship docking at the port.

Overall, we had an amazing trip and we feel so blessed to have been able to go. I look forward to the next time we can get away!

Day 4

2009-10-29T20:40:00.004-05:00

On Day 4, we spent most of the day shopping and driving the island. We went to some shops in Havensight and Charlotte Amalie. Jason found a really nice watch he has been wanting......and got it much cheaper and no tax. There were some pretty good finds!

For lunch, we ate at a neat sports bar type placed called the Green House. They had a huge projection screen and even played the UT game for us. We ate lunch, had a few drinks, and watched some of the game.

When people would find out that I was going to St. Thomas, lots of them would tell me to go to Megan's Bay. Here we are. I will say that Megan's Bay didn't impress me like I had expected. We had to pay to visit this beach. It was super crowded and not nearly as pretty as some of the others we went to. I'm glad we went ( I guess just to say that we did) but in the future I'd probably stick with some of the others instead.

For dinner we went to a really nice seafood restaurant called Mims. It was right on the water and had a really cool atmosphere.

There were no windows.....and literally on the other side of the wall was the ocean.

St. John- Day 3

2009-10-28T21:18:00.010-05:00

On Friday, we took the car ferry over to St. John. If you ever have the opportunity to go there, I highly encourage you. It's breathtaking. Not to say that St. Thomas isn't. Oh my, it's gorgeous but St. John is smaller, a little more quaint, a large part of it is national forest so it's very lush, etc. It just has a little different feel.

Here is the Jeep we rented. Well, this is actually the second Jeep we rented considering the first Jeep they gave us died within the first 12 hours of us having it. Jason and Amy went for coffee one morning and on their way back to our hotel, the transmission went out. Completely. The boys had it towed back and they gave us another one. One thing we had to get used to was the fact that they drive on the left side of the road. It took some careful thought while driving since the natural instinct is to drive on the right side. The boys did great though and Amy and I were not too bad being the "backseat drivers."
Loading the cars up on the ferry.

It was about a 20 minute ride. Lots of beautiful views on the way.

Jason and I on the ferry ride.

Driving on St. John- so green and pretty!

Lots of winding roads.

Overlooking Trunk Bay.

Trunk Bay, St. John

Cinnamon Bay........aka THE. MOST. BEAUTIFUL. PLACE. ON .EARTH. Okay, so maybe I'm exaggerating a little but this seriously was one of the prettiest places I've ever been. Pictures do not even do this place justice. Looking at them myself, I am sad to see what a huge difference there is from the actual place. You just can't even describe it.

This beach was very remote. Not at all touristy......in fact you couldn't even buy a drink here. If you didn't bring it then you were not going to get it! We swam and walked the beach for quite some time.

Tons of coconuts. Jason tried to knock one down without any luck.

You could see all the way down to the bottom of the ocean- as far as your eye could see.

The island has lots of bays just like these. You could just pull off and head to the beach.

What a fantastic day!!!.........even though we didn't run into K*nny Chesney (who happens to live here) I kept my eyes out for him though! Maybe next time?

St.Thomas 2009.......Day 1 & 2

2009-10-22T13:35:00.010-05:00

We just returned from an amazing vacation with some of our friends. In the spring, Amy and I started planning this trip and let me tell you......it was fabulous. And much needed. I can't think of the last time I took off my mommy hat for 6 straight days in a row. I need to give a HUGE shout-out to my mom. She stayed at our house with the boys, took them to school, packed lunches, made dinner, gave baths, did homework, kept my house clean, laundry maintained, and loved on my boys. So much so, that they hardly noticed we were gone. I wouldn't have it any other way!! Thanks mom for making this all possible.

At the airport in St. Thomas. We left our house at 3:40am (yes, you read that correct) to head out to the airport to head to Miami. Two airplane rides later.......we were in paradise. Once we landed, we went to pick up our rental Jeep and then headed to our hotel. After we got settled into our rooms we decided to walk around and get to know the area.

We stayed here while in St. Thomas. The villas are practically brand new and had everything we needed. While the customer service wasn't the best (hey, they all operate on "island time") the views and overall experiences made up for it.

The kitchen. We ate breakfast here every morning but ate lunch and dinner out each day. We really wanted to experience the local restaurants and I must say that every single meal I ate was wonderful. (thankfully since it all cost a small fortune!)

Our dining/living room.

The morning of our first full day. About to head downstairs- to become a huge beach bum for the day! Our first day was spent at our pool and at the beach. We swam, laid out in the lounge chairs, went to the beach and completely relaxed.

Our pool area

An iguana that took over a lady's chair. They are EVERYWHERE on this island. Seriously, we would be eating lunch somewhere and a random iguana would just walk by our table. Crazy!

The view from my chair. Ahhhhh.......

A whole clan of them.

Waterfall at the hotel next to ours.

Jason and Amy before dinner. You can't really tell but the entire mountainside behind us shows all the city lights. It was really pretty.

We ate dinner at The Fat Turtle in Havensight. It was a neat little restaurant right on the water. All of the restaurants were mostly open- meaning that they were not fully contained and most did not have air condition. This wasn't a problem since there always seems to be a breeze.

The four of us at dinner. It was so nice to have an adult conversation and not cut food into bite sized pieces!!

Painting Pumpkins

2009-10-12T08:55:00.004-05:00

We planned to go to the Pumpkin Patch today but it was so rainy and yucky outside that we decided to wait for another time. The boys were pretty disappointed so we knew we had to find something else fun for them to do. We had not yet painted our pumpkins so we decided that it would be a perfect inside project for the day.

They each picked out a pumpkin (they actually wanted the small ones instead of the big ones)
Hard at work

Notice the paint on the tummy......hence the lack of sh*rts.

Our little pumpkin family. Once it gets closer to Halloween, we will turn one of the bigger pumpkins around and carve it into something the boys have decided on. The others will be cut and we will then have lots of pumpkins seeds to roast. I love October and all the fun activities for us to do as a family. Happy Fall Ya'll.

Muddy Toes & New Games

2009-10-08T08:53:00.005-05:00

The other day, the boys were playing outside (mostly jumping on the trampoline) and enjoying the cooler weather. I told them to stay on the patio since the grass was pretty wet from all the rain we've had lately. They played outside for a good hour and got along so well......it allowed me to get dinner made the the kitchen cleaned up. When I went to get them, I found that one little monkey had taken his shoes off and had muddy toes. This is Cooper for sure! He plays hard and gets dirty! Look at those little piggies.

After school yesterday, Hudson created a new game for himself. It kept him entertained for quite some time.

Trying to toss my bangle bracelet onto the ruler.

Got it!

Who knew that a shoe, a ruler and a thick bangle bracelet could provide so much entertainment?

Disney 2009

2009-10-06T13:28:00.015-05:00

At the airport.....Hudson was so excited to fly on a plane for the first time. During takeoff, he asked Jennifer if they were flying to the moon!
Disney Bound!

The awesome hotel they stayed at. I'm quite jealous.

Hudson and Mimi

Hudson LOVED Epcot center. A fabulous place for my science kid.

Fun at the pool.

For the Mickey Halloween Parade, the girls were Minnie Mouse and Hudson was a skeleton.

Not even sure. I'm guessing it's a result of sugar overload?

Look at Hudson's face. Everything was made from Legos.

All Legos.

A wall of nothing but Lego pieces. Hudson's version of heaven I'm sure.

Taking time to build something fun.

Hotel Lobby.

Hanging with his pal, Wall-E

Eating at the 50's Cafe.

Heading back to the airport. Not too happy that his trip is nearing an end.

On the way back home.

Hudson had a great time at Disney with Aunt Pearl and Mimi. We are so thankful that he had the opportunity to go! Thank you both for making wonderful memories with Hudson!!

Hudson's First Grade Bible Presentation

2009-09-21T09:28:00.005-05:00

With my favorite boys!
Hudson and his Bible.

Our church has a tradition that all first graders at get a new Bible. They have a presentation in front of the congregation.

Our church is blessed with lots of awesome kids!

Plano Balloon Festival

2009-09-21T09:20:00.004-05:00

This past weekend we took the boys to the Plano Balloon Festival.
Watching them "air" them up

Hudson found some cords and electrical things to admire along the way.

We were pretty disappointed that they cancelled the balloon launch due to the weather.

Our family.

They did a Glow Show once it got dark and that was pretty to see.

Who Are These Kids......And Why Are They Calling Me Mom?

2009-09-21T09:03:00.008-05:00

Cooper is so funny these days! Not only does he say things that keep me laughing but this boy has some funny ways. For example, he still sleeps sideways in his bed. I wonder how much longer he'll be able to curl himself up and fit?
He doesn't have any favorite blankies or stuffed animals but he does roll his sheets up and hold them when he sleeps.

Do your kids ever do things that make you go "hmmmm?" My Hudson is constantly doing things that have me scratching my head and wondering if we even share the same DNA.

One of his latest creations.

One day they got real goofy and put soccer balls under their shirts. I started snapping away and figured I'd have a good file of blackmail pictures for the future.

Could we make a crazier face? No dull moments around here my friends!

There you have it......a day in the life of our family!

Cooper's First Day at Preschool and Grandparents Day for Hudson

2009-09-21T08:57:00.003-05:00

Hudson and Mimi
Hudson is the luckiest kid in the world to have 2 grandmas that love him dearly!!

Hudson and Grammy

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Cooper's first day at preschool.

With his teacher. He's not really sure about this school thing....notice the expression on his face. He kept asking me when I'd be back to pick him up. I think being home all summer has made going back to school a bit hard for him. He still cries some when I leave him. I know he'll have a great year though!

This and That

2009-09-21T08:50:00.004-05:00

Jen invited me to the Bass Hall to see Grease. It was really good!

One day after school, Hudson and I made homemade cookies. He is patiently waiting for them to bake.

Almost done?

This is what happens when I'm on the phone for a few minutes and my children find a pen laying around. Seriously?

It's a Small World After All

2009-09-21T08:32:00.006-05:00

Several months ago, Jason's sister (aka Aunt Pearl) asked us if she could take Hudson to Disney World this fall. She's been several times and loves to go.......she wanted a fun trip so that Hudson could look back and one day remember his aunt taking him somewhere fun. At first, we were a little unsure. This would be the first time for him to fly, the first time for him to experience Disney, etc.....but we quickly came to the conclusion that he needed to go on this trip. We know that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow and we didn't want to hold him back. We are still a few years away from going as a family (my rule is that all my kids must be potty trained and able to function without a nap before I'll personally go!) So, in two short days.....they are Disney bound!!

Aunt Pearl planned a neat little scavenger hunt to tell him. We waited until the weekend before school started so that he wouldn't be bugging us all summer about it. (you know kids and their sense of time?)

He had to find the clues.......

Still not sure.......

All the clues finally led him to the mailbox.........where he had a huge stack of shirts and a note telling him that Mickey would see him soon.

He's got a shirt for every day he's there.

Another bonus: Mimi is going too! Hudson gets undivided time from Mimi and Aunt Pearl, he gets to fly on a plane, miss 4 days of school, and have a blast!! I'm so excited for him!

Of course, Disney shaped muffins to celebrate! Thank you Mimi and Aunt Pearl for making wonderful memories with Hudson!

Grapevine Annual Grape Stomp

2009-09-21T08:25:00.004-05:00

While Hudson was spending some time at his Mimi's house.......Jason and I decided to take Cooper to the Grape Stomp at a local vineyard. I wish we would have gotten there earlier because they had a huge vat of grapes and you could actually "stomp" on them (remember the I Love Lucy episode?) The line was crazy long so we opted out of that this year. We still had fun though walking the vineyard and cutting off the grapes.

Looking forward to next year!

Hudson's First Day of First Grade

2009-08-25T14:18:00.006-05:00

Here are the boys in their daddy's white shirt. The weekend before each new school year, I take a picture of them to see how they have grown. It's crazy to think that one day they will fill this shirt completely in! Hudson's first day of school.

Our Mini Vacay

2009-08-14T08:17:00.018-05:00

We didn't have a big family vacation planned for this summer so we decided to take the kids at least to Sea World before school started. We went down to the river with our small group friends and had a really good time.

Finding all kinds of cool things

This stinker was pretending to put rocks in his mouth.....just to get a reaction out of me.

Such a monkey!Jason and the boys

Taking a walk with daddy.

Jason gave the boys mohawksLater that night, we started the fire and made Smores for the kids. It was a big hit.

Me, Julie, and Tammie

Jason & Hudson, Scott & Brayden, Jared & LandryThe next day, we headed out to Sea World. It was a lot of fun but really hot and really crowded.

With Hudson at the Viva showCooper was in awe of all the animals. It was so much fun watching his expressions.

Riding the Shamu Express

Cooper checking out the fish food for the sea lions.

Sea World 2009

The day we left, we let the kids play outside a bit. I don't think any of us were ready to come back to work, laundry, school, etc.......

Overall, it was a great trip with friends!

We are still here

2009-07-30T15:50:00.006-05:00

I've been getting some comments lately about my lack of blogging. We are still here.......just nothing crazy exciting to report. We have had a wonderful summer so far......it's been busy but also laid back, if that makes any sense. We are filling our weeks with fun activities but it's laid back in the sense that we decide what to do each day. Our typical week looks something like this: go to the water park, meet friends at a bounce house/jumping place, library, our weekly movie on Thursday, the park, or hang out at home. Most of these places I don't take my camera with me so we really don't have much documentation of our summer. We are heading down to the river house in a couple of weeks with our small group and we plan to do a day at Sea World. I'll have lots of pics to share then!

In the meantime, I've enjoyed hanging out with the boys. Summer is going way too fast. I can't believe it's almost time for school to start!

Cooper still tries to keep up with brother and is even interested in tinkering around with gadgets at home. He has mastered such phrases as "I need a phillips screwdriver" and "I think the batteries are dead." (sigh)

Some days I wonder just how I'll ever be able to handle 2 kids with interests like this......but thankfully, Cooper still has some interests of his own.

Hudson still continues to be.....well, Hudson. His love of wires and cords is just as strong as ever. This kid continues to amaze me with his understanding of electricity.

And once again, monkey boy doing just as brother does.

This week, Hudson got this solar panel kit and has been in hog heaven ever since. They also both love this lightning lab and Cooper got a great remote control robot (not pictured) that has kept them busy this week since it's been rainy and we've spent lots of time at home.

Today, Hudson told me that he was "quite the science guy." Not sure where he got that from but he's right! He also informed me that he. is. not. excited. about. first. grade. He claims that he's just not excited about "all the work." Poor kid. Has no idea how many years are in store for him. We won't pop his naive bubble just yet.

So, that's about it. Just laying low and enjoying these last few weeks that we have left. Hope everyone is having a good summer!

4th of July "Wireferks" and Ice Cream

2009-07-06T14:40:00.012-05:00

We had a great 4th of July weekend! On Friday, Jason had a work party so we had a few hours to relax (in the sweltering heat!) without the kids. Later that night, Jason took Hudson to the Ranger game with some of my family and he loved every minute of it......especially the firework show at the end. Saturday, we headed out to Granbury to hang out with some of my extended family.

They had blindfold golf cart races......which was hilarious. One person had to instruct the driver, who was blindfolded, how to go through the obstacle course.Mom giving Mike some directions.

Hudson and Cooper with GrammyOur family......hot and sweaty!!

We headed back home and later that night we set off some "wireferks" (as Cooper calls them) and sparklers on our driveway.When Jason first started lighting them, Hudson ran away because he was scared.

He finally came around and realized they were not so bad after all. (notice the facial expression- he wants to enjoy himself but is still a little nervous about the whole thing!)Not this monkey boy....he grabbed those sparklers like a champ and had himself a good ole time!

Jason shooting some Roman Candles in the street. The boys really liked those!

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On Sunday evening, we took a walk around the neighborhood. During our walk we heard the ice cream man driving through our neighborhood. Since we were already outside and since our kids have never had the "ice cream truck experience" we decided to let them order something.

I love his face. If I could only know what he's thinking.......probably something like "Dear God, thank you for letting my mommy say yes to ice cream!!"

Savoring every single bite!

We had 2 happy boys on our hands.This picture cracks me up! Hudson finished his ice cream bar before Cooper finished his cone. He watched Cooper like a puppy dog.......

........until sweet brother decided to share. Aww!!

Girls-Only Weekend

2009-06-28T21:37:00.009-05:00

This weekend, I headed out for a girls-only trip with my sister and my mom. We went to Granbury, where my mom and step dad just purchased a lot for their RV. It's in a little quaint gated community with other RV'ers. We celebrated my sister's birthday and did some shopping, lots of eating, went to a show (Gr*nbury Live), a movie, and stayed up WAY.TOO.LATE. What an awesome time!

Having a yummy birthday dinner at a local Mexican restaurant.

This coming weekend, lots of our family members are heading out to the lake so mom put up her 4th of July banners.Relaxing on the covered patio. It was such a peaceful weekend.......no food to cut up, no sippy cups to refill, no diapers to change!. I'm reenergized and ready for a new week! I sure missed my boys but am so thankful for the small break.

With my mom.

With my sister, Julie.

I had such a fun weekend! I love you girls!

Friday's Favorites

2009-06-19T06:55:00.004-05:00

1. Etsy. - I've purchased several things lately from Etsy. I love this site because everything is handmade and I love to support small, mostly home-based businesses.

2. My new wet bag. (this is actually not the design I ordered but I'm too lazy to take a picture of mine. I got the XL size) This bag is awesome because you can store wet towels, bathing suits, toys, etc...... I take it with me every time we go to the pool or water park.

3. My reusable coffee cozy. What an easy way to go green! I carry this with me all the time and any time I get a coffee (hot or iced) I use this instead of the cardboard ones.

Wouldn't these also make a great gift? Just pair it with a Starbucks gift card and you are done! I'm pretty sure I'll be buying more of these for teacher gifts in the fall.

4. Here is one of our new favorite recipes. Jason recently switched jobs and has a longer commute to and from work. He eats breakfast on the way to work in the mornings now and I wanted to find something that was simple to make and still somewhat healthy for him too. I came across this Breakfast Burrito recipe and it's been such a huge hit around here.

Breakfast Burritos

6 bacon slices, cut into small pieces (you can use turkey bacon or nitrate-free bacon to make it even healthier)

2 cups frozen hashbrowns (Orelda potatoes w/ peppers and onions is what I use- found in the freezer section)

12 large organic eggs

2 tablespoons hot sauce (I use quite a bit more.....probably about 1/2 a cup)

Flour tortillas (depending on how full you stuff them, it makes 12+)

2 cups shredded cheddar cheese

Foil

In a large skillet, brown bacon and hash browns, about 10-15 minutes. In large mixing bowl, combine eggs and hot sauce, beat well until combined. Pour into skillet with bacon and potatoes and cook over medium heat, stirring occasionally, until eggs are set (scrambled) Cut enough sheets of foil for each burrito. Lay a piece of foil flat on the counter and place a tortilla on top. Spoon egg mixture into tortillas, sprinkle with cheese, and roll up. Place individual foil burritos into a large freezer bag. Label the bag and place into the freezer. Cooking times will vary depending on the type of microwave you have. We defrost ours for a bit and then cook for a few seconds to heat. Just make sure you don't overcook because the tortilla will become tough.

That's it.....super easy! Not only does this recipe save us time and money (each burrito costs about half what we would pay at a fast food place), it's so much healthier. Now you have a freezer stocked with a quick and easy breakfast.

Happy Friday!