For our entire marriage, Jason was in charge of the garage. He arranged things on the shelves. He made a spot for the lawn mower. His tools were all organized in his tool box. It was pretty much his space.
I realized the other day that our garage is like a time capsule. It looks almost exactly the way it did the day he died. Part of it might be that I wasn't in the habit of doing much there. A big part of it might be that I've avoided it.....just parking my car and walking inside the house.....trying not to notice all the little reminders of him. I want him to be here.
I walked into the garage briefly the other day and noticed a brown sandal on one of the shelves. Hudson's sandal....from 2.5 years ago. Way too small for him now. Just sitting there. It sort of took my breath away as I thought back to the end of the summer and early fall of 2011.
I glanced at other items on the shelf and sure enough.....not much has been move or touched. Broken sidewalk chalk. Half empty bottles of bubbles. Things that I've completely neglected to look at. It's just been too hard.
In many ways you could say that my garage has been frozen in time. And the sad part is that I still don't want to deal with it. I still prefer to park my car inside and quickly walk in.....instead of facing the fact that he will never use the tools or cut our grass.
I know there will come a day in the somewhat near future when I will be forced to deal with it. We plan to sell our house after the new year (hopefully) and that will definitely require me getting in there and organizing and going through stuff. It may sound weird but I'm dreading this so much. It still hurts so bad.
I am not sure how I will feel later in life.....I can't imagine that there will ever be a day that I'm okay he's gone. I find myself still longing to see him and talk to him. Just one last hug. Give me just a few minutes to tell you how great your boys are. If only heaven had visiting hours......