Monday, December 16, 2013

Being Me

When sweet boy and I went to the Steven Curtis Chapman concert a few months ago.....I was really excited, not only because I love SCC, but because Laura Story was also going to be there.

After Jason died, I had a few people send me the link or words to her song Blessing.  If you haven't heard this song, Google it because it's great.  I can't tell you how many times I've listened to that song, with huge tears rolling down my face, while trying to still look at my situation as a blessing.  It's been hard.

At the concert, Laura sang her new song "I Can Just Be Me."  I immediately loved it that night because I often feel that I fail in so many areas.  And I've loved it ever since that night when I hear it on the radio.

I've mentioned already that the last two months or so have been hard and emotional for me.  Putting my situation aside though, it's been hard for me in others ways because this time of year is when families are getting together to do things, my friends are all getting super crafty with their kids......and I don't feel that I measure up.

I've struggled the last few weeks with "have I been doing enough for the boys?" or "am I creating enough fun memories for them right now?" know all those thoughts and questions that most of us moms ask ourselves.  And my answer has been no.

I still have a hard time explaining to other people how different I feel from 2 years ago.  The inability to juggle lots of things at once, lacking the emotional energy to invest in other things or people, no motivation to do certain things.....the list goes on.  I'm just so different than I was before.  I feel like a watered down me.  It stinks.

Last night, I sat in our bathroom after putting the boys to bed and vented and cried my eyes out to sweet boy because I feel overwhelmed with this thing called life.  But he reminded me that I'm being too hard on myself.  And that I'm a great mom.  And that I'm doing a darn good job considering all the stuff I've been through the last 2 years.

I laid in bed last night and I started thinking about this song.  I honestly felt Him telling me that I don't have to be perfect or have it all together because He does.  I can continue to be scattered and broken and half of the person I once was because He's none of those things.  And He bridges the gap for me.  Why do we have  to be so hard on ourselves?

Anyways, I wanted to share this song in case you haven't heard it.  You might be experiencing a trial right, in your marriage, issues with your kids.....or maybe just the overall burden that this time of year can bring for us.  You know, the need to be perfect all the time and be the Queen of Pinterest and post nothing but perfection on our Facebook status.

It's my prayer today that I won't fall into this trap anymore.  I need to constantly remind myself that my God is who he is.....and that allows me to just be me.


Matt and Kristen said...

I love Laura Story. I can get pretty down on myself too that everyone else has it all together and I am the only one falling apart and not "measuring up." But my worth is in Christ and nothing else. I am a daughter of the Most High and there is nothing else to compare that to. Thanks for your comment on the medicines too!

Anonymous said...

My husband and I were able to attend the Louisville concert on that tour at the last minute with free tickets from friends, and what a blessing it was from the Lord. We have been dealing with lots of hard stuff this dad's diagnosis with congestive heart failure, a miscarriage, my brother-in-law's diagnosis with terminal brain cancer at the age of 20, inability to conceive again. It's been one thing piled on top of another, but God has been faithful and has given us the ability to praise Him even in the storm. And this concert came at a time when we were very discouraged, and SCC, Laura Story and Jason Gray all spoke words of encouragement and were so real about their own struggles. Our first baby was due this Friday, and just yesterday we found out that we are 6.5 weeks pregnant and God allowed us to hear the little heart beat. He's our strength when we are are weak and He loves us so much and has a plan even when we don't understand it. Praying for you today, sweet Jennifer.

Brandy R. said...

You are a real blessing!!! Thank you for always being so real and honest. I will be keeping you and your family in my prayers!

Jennifer said...

Thank you for sharing your heart!

Stephanie said...

It's five in the morning so I'm going to come back and watch the video. Thanks so much for sharing. I relate to your post so much. Even though I haven't lost anyone, I felt a lot of this after my daughter was born three years ago. I think I had post partum depression, although I was never diagnosed. I struggled so much with energy, making connections with people, etc. And I hear ya on the feeling like you don't measure up on the creativity front. I feel like I'm pretty crafty until I see a blog, or Facebook or Pinterest post and then it's almost like a balloon being wow, she's way better than me. I have to be very intentional about telling myself I'm good enough. And as far as worrying about making memories for your boys, I think it's very evident that your boys feel loved. When they become adults, they will realize just how much you loved them and pushed yourself through grief and healing to give them normal childhoods. Thanks as always for sharing, Jennifer. And happy belated birthday. I am 38 too and really try not to even think about my age. It truly is just a number!!!