Getting Personal

I've had several readers (and lots of people in real life) ask us the "so are you going to have a baby together?" question.  I've held off from answering that here because the answer is complex:  We/I don't know.

I feel that this is a conversation best held in person because it gives me a chance to fully explain our situation and desires but I will do my best to tell you my side of this answer.  I apologize in advance for being all over the place!

In a nutshell.......I'm really not sure if I want another child.  Whew, there I said it.  The problem is that I'm very much on the fence.  One side of me wants to experience that with Shawn but also allow him to experience being a dad to his own biological child.  I know that he would be great because he's awesome to the boys.

Back when Jason and I were having kids.......I kind of wanted 3.  He was very much content with our 2 and it took me a while to be okay with that.  I had a hard time with the finality of "being done" and from time to time I would ask him to see if he had changed his mind or had anything tugging at his heart to add another.  He didn't and I fully believe that having kids is something that BOTH spouses need to be 200% on board with. I didn't try to push him or talk him into it.  If he wasn't feeling it then I had to try to get where he was.  And I did.  Over time, I prayed about it and was thankful for the two healthy boys God gave us.  I had peace with our sweet family of 4.

My boys will turn 7 and 10 this month.  We are waaaay past the baby stage and quite honestly things are getting easier around here.  They can feed themselves, they sleep through the night, they can dress themselves, buckle themselves up in the car........(you get the idea)  I'm selfishly not sure if I want to go back.

We are finally at the stage where they are easy to travel with....and you don't have to take everything but the kitchen sink on trips!  Travel and adventure is such a huge part of who I am and I know that having a baby would put all that on hold.  Obviously, Shawn and I have different past experiences......he was single until 41 and got to travel, sleep in, take care of just himself, ect.  I got married when I was 24 and had a baby at 27 and 30.  I have been a stay at home mom (not complaining!) and my life has been centered around taking care of other people.  The boys are just now starting to sleep in on Saturdays and it's wonderful.  I am the worst newborn mommy.......I require 8 hours of sleep and I'm a mess when I go too long without.

Plus, I'm getting old.

When school started last year (right before Jason died) I got to experience what life was like for both kids to be in school and I had the opportunity to meet friends for lunch, clean the house without anyone home, go to the grocery story without a little one pulling things off the shelves.  That phase lasted about 6 weeks because then Jason died and life turned upside down.  I really feel that I lost a full year while I was grieving.  I am just now really getting back to that phase and finding myself again.

I do feel selfish for feeling this way.....because I know there are lots of women out there that would love to be married and have children.  Or there are women that struggle with fertility and would give anything to have a baby.  I was there once.  Jason and I did struggle with infertility.  We had a hard time getting pregnant, had a miscarriage and did IUI with Hudson.  So, I know what it's like to have that burning desire.  I feel guilty that I have an amazing husband that wants to experience that with me.......but back to what I said earlier......I feel that having kids is a HUGE decision that both spouses should be equally excited about.  

So we are currently praying about this situation.  Unfortunately, we don't have years to stew on this.  Because of our ages, I feel this decision needs to be made in the near future.

For those of you that might be wondering.....yes, we did have these conversations before we got married.  I told him back in the summer......back before I knew we would even get engaged that I was on the fence.  I wanted to be fair to him and give him a chance to walk away if he wasn't okay with it.  He told me that it wasn't a deal breaker and that we would figure if out.  And so we are.......sort of. :)

So we just keep praying about it and are waiting to see what God puts on our hearts.  I have no doubt that we will hear our answer and feel peace about whatever decision we make.