I got this in the mail the other day from the facilitator in my Warm Place group:
Consider how fire burns away impurities and refines a piece of silver to make it even more precious than before the process had begun. Grief is the fire that will redefine our lives, refine us and cause us to examine our priorities, burning away the unimportant things in our lives and making us stronger in the end, if we are willing to stay in the fire until the work is complete.
You will be a different person having experienced a significant loss in your life. You will shine in a new way and your interpersonal properties will be more valuable to those around you because of the person you are becoming. You didn't choose this path, but you do have a choice about how you will allow this loss to affect your future.
True. True. And true.
But there are just days that I don't want to be refined. I don't want to experience this loss. I don't want to shine in a new way. I miss my old life and the old me.
I was telling Shawn the other day that I am literally grieving the old Jennifer. I feel like a foreigner sometimes in my own body. I doubt that makes any sense to anyone that hasn't experienced this but it's exactly how I feel. And it's frustrating to say the least.
I'm just going to be blunt. I'm struggling. And that is frustrating too. One would think that almost a year and a half later I would be stronger and more accepting of this new life. The reality is that I'm just now beginning to thaw and the real healing is just starting.
I'm leaning towards going back to counseling.....one on one. While the Warm Place has been great for me (even though it's really geared for the boys) I think I need someone that will focus just on me. I find that I don't share much of my pain in my real life.....I'm a protector and I don't like to burden people or worry people or upset anyone. I hold back my feelings because I don't want to upset the boys, I hold back because I don't want to hurt Shawn, and I put a smile on my face so that my family and friends feel secure and think I'm fine. But it's a house of cards that is beginning to crumble.
The great news is that I know I will be okay. I'll actually be better than just okay because God is walking this journey with me. Even if it's a journey I would rather not walk.