I got this in the mail the other day from the facilitator in my Warm Place group:
Consider how fire burns away impurities and refines a piece of silver to make it even more precious than before the process had begun. Grief is the fire that will redefine our lives, refine us and cause us to examine our priorities, burning away the unimportant things in our lives and making us stronger in the end, if we are willing to stay in the fire until the work is complete.
You will be a different person having experienced a significant loss in your life. You will shine in a new way and your interpersonal properties will be more valuable to those around you because of the person you are becoming. You didn't choose this path, but you do have a choice about how you will allow this loss to affect your future.
True. True. And true.
But there are just days that I don't want to be refined. I don't want to experience this loss. I don't want to shine in a new way. I miss my old life and the old me.
I was telling Shawn the other day that I am literally grieving the old Jennifer. I feel like a foreigner sometimes in my own body. I doubt that makes any sense to anyone that hasn't experienced this but it's exactly how I feel. And it's frustrating to say the least.
I'm just going to be blunt. I'm struggling. And that is frustrating too. One would think that almost a year and a half later I would be stronger and more accepting of this new life. The reality is that I'm just now beginning to thaw and the real healing is just starting.
I'm leaning towards going back to counseling.....one on one. While the Warm Place has been great for me (even though it's really geared for the boys) I think I need someone that will focus just on me. I find that I don't share much of my pain in my real life.....I'm a protector and I don't like to burden people or worry people or upset anyone. I hold back my feelings because I don't want to upset the boys, I hold back because I don't want to hurt Shawn, and I put a smile on my face so that my family and friends feel secure and think I'm fine. But it's a house of cards that is beginning to crumble.
The great news is that I know I will be okay. I'll actually be better than just okay because God is walking this journey with me. Even if it's a journey I would rather not walk.
8 comments:
I cannot begin to imagine what you are going through. I have been married 5 1/2 years & a mother for 16 months. You are an incredibly strong person. Counseling sounds like a step in the right direction, you have to be able to express your emotions & work through this. Best to you & your family! I know your boys are probably so very proud of you & that will just continue to grow as they grow older as well.
Praying for you in this new step, just for you. I wish my mom had done that so many years ago as it would have made a world of difference for her. My sister-in-law did do it and she would testify that it was a tremendous help, especially with a Christian counselor. She is much more at peace and healed today as a result. Take care.
I appreciate your willingness to post the ups and downs of this journey you did not choose. It is an encouragement to me. Mike Washburn has been in our sunday school class talking about his journey after losing his wife. He has been talking about being fit in your body, soul and spirit and how to achieve that. Do what God is leading you to do and you will find His peace that passes all understanding. God is good and faithful. Praying with you.
I have been following you for a while now. I will be praying for you and your heart. I pray for a peace that surpasses understanding. I am in the process of memorizing this scripture and I pray it helps you. " The Lord gives strength to His people. The Lord blesses His people with peace" Ps 29:11 please know you are covered in prayer even by those who have never met you! Blessings,
Jessica
All I can say is, I get it. I am grieving a deep loss and I feel like the person I am is completely different from the old me. It is really weird to feel like a stranger to yourself. Healing does not come easy, does it? Praying for you, and please pray for me!
I had a significant loss 6 years ago. I can say be patient with yourself. While every day isn't easier, every day does make a difference in your "recovery". I still have freak outs...six years later. I've just learned how to manage them and they are FAR less frequent. I think you should be proud of yourself, you are doing really well and you are entitled to feel and grieve, it's a process. You are a different person and you can't go back, so look forward. That's really all you can do. Hang in there! :)
You are constantly in my prayers!!
There is no amount of time to get over your grief or stop grieving. When we lose someone we love, they take a deep part of us with them. There will always be grief. Just take it day by day. It's expected to have good days and not so good days. We just have to learn to live a new "normal". We may not want to do it. Don't understand it. It's all part of a bigger plan. Sometimes we can't (or don't want too) wrap our head around what that plan may be but we have to be strong and know that God is carrying you through all this. I'm so sorry your struggling. Praying for you and those sweet boys!
Jenni Raygosa
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