A few weeks ago, the boys were wanting Shawn to do something for them. Once he did, he went into the kitchen to tell them. Cooper said "you are the best dad in the world!".......and then immediately corrected himself and said "um, the best second dad in the world." You could tell that he felt guilty for saying it. He realized that he sort of replaced Jason by that comment.
On our return flight from our Jackson Hole trip I caught myself saying...."wasn't that the best vacation ever?" But then I immediately corrected myself and said "the best winter vacation ever?" Because Jason and I never really took the boys on a winter/snow trip and by correcting that statement I felt like I brought Jason back into the loop. Stupid, I know.
Yesterday in the car Cooper said "I had to write 10 things about someone I love and I picked you, Shawn and Rudy." Hudson immediately snapped and said "what about dad?" Cooper quickly said "oh yea, and dad too...." but I knew that he told a little fib. He had not included Jason on that list. I glanced into the rear view mirror and saw the disappointed look on his sweet face.
I find that life is moving on and new memories are being made and our hearts are conflicted because life with Jason was wonderful. But the reality is that life now is often good too and that's hard because we must admit that it's good even though Jason is no longer in it. And that sucks.
I still have days where I struggle to wrap my brain around all this. I was laying in bed the other night talking with Shawn and I briefly had this "how did I get here?" moment. I just find it hard to always accept and process that he's gone and I'm with someone new.
I hate that we feel guilty when we say certain things that relate to Jason and/or our relationship with him. We are all so sensitive to this. I really do feel that my life is cut into 2 different parts. Life before Oct 5, 2011 and life after.
I saw this quote the other day and it really stood out to me:
While I don't feel I keep re-reading.... I do feel that I struggle because it's a chapter that I didn't want or expect to end. But on the flip side of that.....God has been so good to me. I'm thankful and blessed to have a new chapter to start.
8 comments:
No judgement intended, but every time I read one of your posts like this, I think to myself "she just married again too soon." In most cases like this, there is simply some period of time that has to pass before you're ready for the next chapter of your life. I totally understand why you did it (for the boys) but the bottom line is that perhaps YOU weren't really ready . . . and who could argue, given the short amount of time that had passed since Jason's death. Good luck, sweet Jennifer, it will all work out eventually but be kind to yourself in the meantime and tell your boys/man to hang in there with you. I know they will for they all love you very much!
Hi...just popping by your blog. Have on the beautiful necklace you made for me with my boys' names and thought of you. Praying for you today.
No judgement taken...and thank you for not being ugly while expressing your opinion.
I can honestly see how someone on the outside might feel I married too soon. I'm sure I would have thought that too. I think because of the dynamics though with out situation it was a little different. If Shawn had been a stranger......there is NO way we would have gotten married or even started dating when we did.
I honestly feel that I would be grieving the same way even if I had not remarried. The good news is that my grief doesn't effect my marriage too much. Of course, it has shaped the person that I am today. But it isn't a negative factor. In fact, it's brought Shawn and I closer together. I have still been able to keep it seperate for the most part (such a God thing) and I'm able to enjoy my new life in so many ways. I would agree with you if I sat in fetal position all day or didn't engage in life...but I don't. I find joy and have love and happiness in my life. It's just unfortunately tainted a bit with sadness. But that would be there now or in 10 years from now. Because Jason died so suddenly, I was and still am reminded all the time that life is so incredibly short. I found love again (very soon) and I decided to embrace this gift that God placed in my path. Sure, we could still be just dating (instead of married) but I'd miss out on some great opportunites of joy by not having Shawn here every day. I'm blessed that the boys are in school and Shawn goes to work and some days I just have to allow myself to be sad or upset or whatever I need at that time. I certainly hope that people don't feel I married for the boys. While they love him and have adjusted so incredibly well....I would never remarry just for that reason. (I'm not saying you meant that but I just want to clarify in case anyone else thinks that) My love for Shawn is real and all mine. Of course I love him even more because he loves the boys but that is just an added bonus. I honestly have complete peace over my decision to remarry and in the timeframe that I did. If given the chance to go back and change anything, I wouldn't change a single thing. The reality is that Jason is gone and life is moving forward whether I want it to or not. Thank you for your encouragement and you are right...it will all work out!! :)
Your reply was perfect! I hope you continue to find peace and I am so sorry this is such a hard situation. I think that is a good way to look at your life - before and after. Sometimes I feel like my past is a whole different life too and that it was not mine. Life has lots of chapters and the cast of characters changes with the plot.
When I think about your situation, I try to think of it from Jason's point of view...remember, he is in heaven, he is not plagued with a sin nature, or jealousy or insecurity. I know he is super excited that you had a great vacation, and that the boys have someone to love them and do "dad" things with them. And, he's probably so relieved that you have someone to take care of you.
When I think about dying and going to heaven, that feels really exciting. When I think about my kids not having a mother and Mark doing it all alone, it makes me really sad. So, from Jason's point of view, he knows you miss him, but it makes him happy that you are happy and moving on...I know it would me. My only fear in dying would be that my loved ones could not get over it. You have had A LOT of changes in one year...hang in there. <3
reading this reminded me of a quote from a Harry Potter movie. It is in the movie where Harry is looking into the mirror that shows you what you want to happen. Dumbledore says to him "Harry, it does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live..."
I think that applies in your case. You had a beautiful, amazing past with Jason but your future is with Shawn.
Your comment is such an honest glimpse into your unique life and situation!! Thank you for sharing... Everyone is different. Every fights their own battles and celebrates their own victories separately and in ways that no one else can understand or even should try to understand!!! Keep on Loving Jennifer, in every and any way you can!!!! Your boys (all of them) will be better for it and so will you!!!
((Hugs))
Always - Abbey
I bet it is so difficult for all of you. Hopefully it will get smoother with time. God Bless!
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