A few weeks ago, the boys were wanting Shawn to do something for them. Once he did, he went into the kitchen to tell them. Cooper said "you are the best dad in the world!".......and then immediately corrected himself and said "um, the best second dad in the world." You could tell that he felt guilty for saying it. He realized that he sort of replaced Jason by that comment.
On our return flight from our Jackson Hole trip I caught myself saying...."wasn't that the best vacation ever?" But then I immediately corrected myself and said "the best winter vacation ever?" Because Jason and I never really took the boys on a winter/snow trip and by correcting that statement I felt like I brought Jason back into the loop. Stupid, I know.
Yesterday in the car Cooper said "I had to write 10 things about someone I love and I picked you, Shawn and Rudy." Hudson immediately snapped and said "what about dad?" Cooper quickly said "oh yea, and dad too...." but I knew that he told a little fib. He had not included Jason on that list. I glanced into the rear view mirror and saw the disappointed look on his sweet face.
I find that life is moving on and new memories are being made and our hearts are conflicted because life with Jason was wonderful. But the reality is that life now is often good too and that's hard because we must admit that it's good even though Jason is no longer in it. And that sucks.
I still have days where I struggle to wrap my brain around all this. I was laying in bed the other night talking with Shawn and I briefly had this "how did I get here?" moment. I just find it hard to always accept and process that he's gone and I'm with someone new.
I hate that we feel guilty when we say certain things that relate to Jason and/or our relationship with him. We are all so sensitive to this. I really do feel that my life is cut into 2 different parts. Life before Oct 5, 2011 and life after.
I saw this quote the other day and it really stood out to me:
While I don't feel I keep re-reading.... I do feel that I struggle because it's a chapter that I didn't want or expect to end. But on the flip side of that.....God has been so good to me. I'm thankful and blessed to have a new chapter to start.